Farm Macheenery (exploding) - 5

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #49

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): eener@juno.com

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@wildstar.net



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--mel's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!  This is the email version of the first anniversary

issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine!  Aren't you proud of us?

We kept it up a WHOLE YEAR!!  Hey, what are you doing?  Put those white

coats down!  We don't wanna go to the Funny Farm!  AAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!



Well, anyway...This is the email version of the first anniversary issue of

Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine!  Wait, I said that already, didn't

I?  Oh.  Sorry.  Not only do you get to view a brand new ATTB, you get to

read twelve seriously pathetic poems.  And a story about a possessed gate.

And some other stuff we'll throw in along the way.  (Can you tell we just

started most of this Tuesday night?)



This is only half of it, folks.  The other half is on the web!  We have

created this email version for you poor folks who don't have web access

(and because it's kinda habit forming to send one every week).  The web

version is at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/anniversary/ and it

contains some of our BEST moments in the last year.  For example, sure to

be everyone's favorite, the Best of the Wise Sage!



And now, without any further babbling, on with the zine!



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



It doesn't really matter what happened last week on ATTB, because it has

absolutely nothing to do with what's going to happen this week...



The scene:  All of the characters are trapped in a surrealistic

painting...



Raul:  screaming  Helllllp!!!  Helllllpppppp!!!  We're trapped in this

really weird painting!!  Can anyone help us??!!!

Buffy:  putting her hand over Raul's mouth  Shhhh!  Be quiet...I want

to stay in here!!

Raul:  removing Buffy's hand WHY???

Buffy:  Because if I'm here in this painting, everyone that comes into

this art gallery, can ogle my beauty!  I always wanted to be a model!

Al:  rolling his eyes  Oh puleez...that is sooo self-centered, Buffy!

Arnold Schwarzenegger:  suddenly appearing in the corner of the

painting  I told you I'd be back.

Esmerelda:  Oh look!!  It's my hero, Arnold!!  Will you autograph my

forehead, Arnold??

Raul:  howling Anybodyyyyyyy...help us out of this painting!!!!!

A person walking by the painting:  turns to the person walking with her

Hey!  Did you just hear something???

Person walking next to the person walking by the painting:  No, I think

that cough syrup you had earlier is really getting to you!

(both people mosey on by to look at other works of art)

Arnold:  I'd love to autograph your forehead.  Does anyone have a pen?

Granny*:  If your dog poops in the closet, your mother will yell at you

and make you eat it.

(*Granny disappears in a brilliant orange blast of smoke*)

All of the characters:  Granny, granny, she's our gal!  If she can't do

it...*everyone stops, looks around*

Esmerelda:  what rhymes with gal??

Arnold:  If someone doesn't give me a pen, I'm going to get very angry.

(*smoke starts trickling out of Arnold's ears*)

(A smoke detector in the art gallery suddenly starts to beep loudly)

I.M.:  Great!  Now maybe someone will come rescue us!

Howard:  Uhhhh...yeah, what he said.

Announcer:  The plot thickens!!!  Will Granny return with further words

of wisdom??  Will the smoke detector bring someone along to rescue

them?????  Am I using too many question marks?????????



.....join us next week for further delightful plot twists!!



Granny:  a character melvan and eener invented years and years ago when

they were much, much younger...when they were still doing 'zine stuff on

paper...she always dispensed strange words of wisdom...and even stranger

words of wisdom when she wasn't wearing her dentures.





**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,

  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email eener@juno.com with your question



THE BEST OF THE WISE SAGE is at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/anniversary/



So...uh...go there!













************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

*************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this

  section, email melvan@wildstar.net



Here is a little similarty of your pizza hut experience:



I was taking out the trash to the curb today because today is the day they

(the trashmen) pick up the trash. We keep the trash cans behind a wooden

gate with a latch that is supposed to latch automaticly like the latches

on a noramal door. well anyway, I take all the cans out except one and,

-(click)- the gate latches behind me, I slowly try to unlatch the gate

because I thought my neighbor and best friend was trying to trick me, and

scare the wits out of me, so I tried to counterattack his plan and scare

the wits out of him. I looked around the bushes - nobody.  So I finish

carrying out the last can and swing the gate as I go back in the house

hoping the force of the swing will close the latch -(SLAM)- instead the

gate bounces back open.



Now what is really spokey about this is I keep a small chunk of concrete

as a doorstop to keep the gate from swinging and there was no wind.  My

gate is possessed.



(Contributed by WallPhone)





------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



You already know the news.  FME is one year old today!  Woohoo!!



The web page will be ready sometime later today...watch

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/anniversary/ for lots of really

cool stuff!





----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------





And now, to continue in this wonderful wackiness...melvan and eener

decided to pick out some of their favorite dumb poems.  melvan picked her

five favorite poems by eener...and eener picked her five favorite poems by

melvan.



***Disclaimer:  There are oodles of great dumb poems out there...it was

hard to pick just five of each!! Whew!  Also...there are a couple poems we

wrote together that we both liked.  Enjoy!!













Firstly...eener's favorite poems by melvan....



The Cow

-------



A flower in the garden

grows.

The cow in the pasture

poops.



melvan



Billow

------



Defeated.

Lawn ornaments

are defeated.

Nothing can

stop it.

Don't try.

It's useless.

The billowing billows

billow in the billowing billows.

I sleep on my pillow.

My pillow is punctured.

Defeated lawn ornaments.

They die soon.



melvan



Drugged

-------



Chewing

Wagging

Panting

Running

Chasing

Barking

Peeing on fire hydrants

Is it a dog?

No, it's you after 50 Dr. Peppers.



melvan



Boxer

-----



Pounded.

Pummeled.

Knocked Out.

Punched.

Hit.

Brain damaged.

Dead.



melvan



Calculator

----------



I saw

a toad

today...



melvan



And now, the five poems picked by melvan as the best that eener has

written.



The BGT Poem

------------



The sunset

fades on the

distant shore

the abstract

designs

rippling

as if undecided...

You come to my

mind, as you

wave your big green

thing.



eener



The Cemetery

------------



The tears fall

unchecked

from my eyes

as I stare at the cold

slab of cement that

marks your final

resting place...

I recall the times we

spent together...

the hideous pink lawn

ornament screams in

pain...



eener



Introvert

---------



The young pine tree

Quivers.



eener







Sewer

-----



I feel the pain

deep down...

I have felt this pain

before...

it is indescribable,

but I know you have

experienced it also...

It calls to me in an

exquisite voice, and I

know I must go--must

go and find a bathroom immediately.



eener



Pepperoni and Sausage

---------------------



My tennis shoes

are an environmental threat

crustless little triangles

hop on the piano keys

performing "Chopsticks"

the end of the world is coming

while teethless hockey players

attack skaters.

Goodbye.



eener



And now for two hilariously funny poems we wrote together...



Mental Hygiene

By eener & melvan

May 5, 1996



Today I bought some mental floss

And stuck it in my ear

It came right out the other side

And now I cannot hear

I then got in my little car

And tried my best to steer

To my chagrin into the road

There ran a stoopid deer!

I swerved and swerved and missed him but

I stripped the steenking gears

I swerved again, and Boom-de-boom!

I knocked a mailbox clear

Into Iowa, where all the corn

Blew into a pier

The farmer wipes away a tear

Sips a beer

And jumps off the pier

The end is near

The end is here

Do not fear

Sit on your rear

And turn that bug

Into a smear.



melvan & eener



Ode to Duct Tape

----------------



Duct tape...

Holds the bumper to the car

Keeps the Spam in the jar

Covers the crack in the car seat

Keeps my brother's shoes on his feet

On the seat of my bike

It's the one thing I like

Sticks the flag to the pole

Covered the hole in the cabin wall

On the bass drums in the band room

Without it we'd be surely doomed

Fixes book bindings

And holes in the siding

Sitting on the TV

A trophy for all to see.



melvan & eener



That's everything!  This is the END of the email version of the

anniversary issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine.  We would like

to take this opportunity to thank EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!!!! (except

Elkvis...haha, just kidding)  Without the subscribers, this zine wouldn't

be where it is today.  It'd be...somewhere else, I guess...



ONCE MORE (blatant reference to our high school band director)...the web

edition is at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/anniversary/



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not

changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in

(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #48

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): eener@juno.com

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@wildstar.net



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--mel's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Hello folks!  This is the last issue before the big anniversary issue next

week!  Please let us know what your favorites are soon!



Once upon a time, there was a tractor.  It was a nice tractor.  It liked

everyone.  Everyone liked it.  The tractor was out in a cornfield one day,

and it spontaneously exploded.  The end.  The moral of the story:  Don't

eat peaches.



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



Last week on ATTB, nothing happened.  The week before, nothing happened.

The week previous to that, again, nothing happened.  Nothing has happened

on ATTB since we started writing it.  This tradition will continue.



This week on ATTB, nothing is going to happen, aside from a slight

incident involving a package of braunschweiger, which, despite the fact

that it's liver sausage, actually tastes somewhat decent.



Scene:  Howard is about to open the package of braunshweiger, to which

Buffy is objecting.



Howard:  Look, nothing you say is going to stop me!  I'm hungry!

Buffy:  But that poor braunschweiger!  You'll kill it!

Howard:  I can't kill the *&%^$^&%#$ thing, it's not alive!

Al:  steals the braunschweiger  Haha!  I've got it!  I'm a hero!  Save

the braunshweiger!  I'm going to tell the ASPCA about you!

Howard:  Come on, give it back!

Raul:  Howard, you're sick.  Picking on a poor, defenseless braunshweiger?

How cruel!

Esmerelda:  sobs  I thought you were my friend!  Friends don't go

around picking on people littler than them!

I.M.:  Hey!  What the heck are you talking about?  Braunshweiger is an

inanimate object!  It doesn't have feelings!  It isn't alive!  It's just

a hunk of liver!

Howard:  Yeah, what he said.

Buffy:  You guys just don't get it, do you?  Braunshweigers are people too!

Esmerelda:  Just think of all those poor braunshweigers that people eat

every day!  It's horrible!  It has to stop! sobs

I.M.:  Oh, puh-leeeeaze...

(Meanwhile, Howard has been stalking Al, who has the braunshweiger...)

Howard:  steals the braunshweiger back  HAHAHA!!  I have the

braunshweiger!  I'm going to cut it open and put it in a sandwich and eat

it and there's nothing you can do to stop me!!!  cuts open the

braunshweiger

Esmerelda:  sobs  I can't watch this! runs out of the room

Al:  gasps  How dare you!

Raul:  disgustedly  You are one sick little puppy, Howard...

Howard:  Shut up, or you're next points the knife at Raul

Buffy:  Now you're threatening Raul??  It's not enough to kill an innocent

braunshweiger, you have to go after your FRIENDS now?  Sheesh, you think

you know somebody...

I.M.:  takes a bite out of his sandwich  Mmmm!  This is a good

sandwich, Howard!  wipes braunshweiger off his hands

Howard:  Um, I.M., shouldn't you be wearing gloves?

I.M.:  Gloves?  Oh yeah!  Gloves!  tries to put the gloves on, but they

don't fit  Uh, they don't fit...now what?



Join us next week, when once again, nothing will happen.





**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,

  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email eener@juno.com with your question





Dear Wise (and wonderous) Sage,



what exactly is the weeble incident?



Dazed and Confused One



Dear Dazed and Confused One,



The weeble incident occurred in a camp in Ontario, Canada.  Eener and

melvan were hanging out in the cabin, and eener got in a wacky mood (yes,

it does happen occasionally) and made up a song* about melvan being like a

weeble.  That, in a nutshell, is the weeble incident.



Wise Sage



*this is a song you will NEVER hear...









------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



This is your LAST CHANCE to vote for your favorite FME stuff!  The

anniversary issue comes out next week!  Email melvan@wildstar.net with

your favorites.





----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------





Untitled #295

-------------------



Two boll weevils

in the spice cabinet...

climb into the oregano

tip over the pepper and salt

as they scurry towards the chopped

cloves...

they chase each other

as the spices mingle in the air

thyme flies when you're having

fun



eener



General protection fault

--------------------------------



Frustration

as my computer misbehaves

again...

I try to run the program

but all the computer

will say is

general protection fault

Anger

towards the collection of

bits and bytes

I sit and stew

in my chair

smoke

curls from my ears

just like in the cartoons

and then

an anvil falls

onto my head



eener









The Abode

---------



77 empty root beer bottles on the floor,

77 empty root beer bottles

if one of those bottles should happen to fall

77 broken root beer bottles on the floor

and socks

and root beer cartons

and junk

Enter if you dare

but don't

touch

the guitar...



melvan



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not

changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in

(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #47

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): eener@juno.com

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@wildstar.net



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--mel's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



sigh Well, it's official.  Summer in the midwest is over.  Football

season has started.  School is back in session.  We actually had a frost

advisory last week.  Before long you'll be hearing melvan complain about

snow, ice, road salt, stupid snow plow drivers who can't plow snow, etc.



A somewhat funny story (or:  Yet another Oh Snop! column) by melvan



I was working yesterday (if you hadn't heard yet, I work at a Pizza Hut).

It was early afternoon, there was nothing else to do, so I was working on

some dishes.  I was scraping cheese off pans before putting them in the

dishwasher, when I heard the washer start.  I looked behind me...there was

nobody there.  There was nobody else in the area.  I hadn't touched the

machine in about 5 minutes.  I am serious.  I thought "Whoa...this is

weird..."  I continued scraping pans & throwing loads of dishes in the

washer.  Everything else went fine until I drained the dishwasher &

refilled it.  I put a load of dishes in, I shut the door...nothing.  It

wouldn't start.  I opened it & shut it again, because that sometimes

works.  Still nothing.  I turned the stoopid thing off & turned it back on

again.  STILL nothing.  I banged on the thing for a while (because that

actually DOES work sometimes too) and STILL NOTHING!  I was getting pretty

frustrated with the thing by this time.  I opened the door and was going

to shut it again...when all of a sudden, I feel this jet of water in my

face and hear the washer come on...



That dishwasher is possessed...





####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



No ATTB this week...we've both been pretty busy...it WILL resume next week...





**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,

  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email eener@juno.com with your question



Dear Wise Sage:



How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

(And if, perchance, the woodchuck wore dentures, could it chuck as much

wood as a nondentured woodchuck?)



Ring O' Tar



Dear Ring O' Tar,



If you employ the formula for wood-chucking, which is W=tyn*4, where W is

the amount of wood chucked, T is the denture/non-denture constant where

the denture value is 2 and the non-denture value is 1, Y is the air-speed

velocity of an unladen swallow (African), and N is the age of the

woodchuck in months, you will get your answer.  However, in this case, we

were unable to find the answer.  We asked the woodchuck her age, and she

wouldn't tell us.  However, there is the formula you can use for your

wood-chucking needs.  Also, for all practical purposes, the air-speed

velocity of an unladen African swallow is 120 mph.



Wise Sage



Dear Wise Sage:



Do you know the way to San Jose?



Itsee-Bitsee



Dear Itsee-Bitsee,



Drive North for fifty miles.  If you see the Eiffel Tower, you'll know you

went the wrong way.



Wise Sage





Dear Wise Sage,



Ive Gfot this severe typining problem of wuse and wundephull sage, Every

time I try to laugh out loud it comes out Klik, and people are begging to

think im crazy....can you help?



Severe IRC Addict



Dear Addict,



First of all, you could try drinking some molasses.  This might slow down

your typing enough to make it come out correctly, with no typos.  Another

thing you could do is throw your keyboard out the window, and try

communicating with your computer by ESP.  If both of those options fail

you, try typing with your toes- but BE SURE to take your socks off first.



Wise Sage





************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this

  section, email melvan@wildstar.net



Diputs (Me and my friends' word for stupid)



         



A man sat on his rooftop

thinking.

"Why don't I fall through?"

he pondered to himself,

And promptly landed

in the living room.



Conclusion: Do not ponder on rooftops.(Duh.)



Thank you.



Ring O' Tar





------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



NOBODY has voted for their favorite FME stuff yet!  You have ONLY 7 DAYS

LEFT to do this!  Please email melvan@wildstar.net or eener@juno.com and

vote for your favorites!



----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



Untitled #239

-------------------



Crying

she slices an onion

Flying

she chomps on roasted peanuts

Sighing

she waits in a traffic jam

Spying

she is 007

Then she stops doing rhyming

verbs because it is becoming annoying



eener



Crazy feline

----------------



I crumple a piece of paper

the cat comes running

Expectant

he waits for me to toss it across

the room...

With wide brown eyes he watches me

intently

I fake a throw

but he is not fooled

Crouching

he waits...

I throw the wad of paper

he runs madly towards it...

batting it between his paws

he bites it like it was a

wiggling, dying cockroach

(Well, I could have said he bit it

like a mouse...but it wouldn't have

been as interesting)



eener



Oops #59

--------



i innocently mow the lawn

with music blaring in my ears

the tractor is behaving itself

and i'm almost done mowing

when all of a sudden, this culvert

jumps out from nowhere

and knocks the front wheels

out of alignment

the next thing i know

i'm banging on the tie rod

with a large mallet

and going deaf



melvan



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not

changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in

(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #46

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): eener@juno.com

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@wildstar.net



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--mel's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



HELLO!!!!!  This is the intro!



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



The Evil Taxi Driver (Batman): played by Beldin



Last week on ATTB, we discovered the cause of Batman...picking up women

(isn't that the case with most superheroes though?)  Howard asked the

blonde receptionist to go out with him...to which she replied, "Sure!

I'll go out with you....is your last name Gfot?"



At the theater, Howard is impatiently waiting for his friends to tell him

how to answer the blonde receptionist's question...because he doesn't have

a brain to figure it out himself...



Howard:  What should I say??  I've been on the phone for a week, and you

guys haven't told me what to say yet!!  Should I tell her my last name is

Gfot?

I.M.:  I don't know...Buffy, do you know?

Buffy:  Listen, for all I care you can tell her you have purple hair and

a blue mustache!  Just leave me alone!

Esmerelda:  Get a green tattoo.

Buffy:  Um...ok...

Howard:  But should I tell her my last name is Gfot?  Is it a good thing

or a bad thing?

Raul:  I really don't care, Howard...tell her whatever you want to tell her.

Receptionist:  Well??  Is your last name Gfot?

Howard:  Um...er...uh...yeah, my last name is Gfot.

Receptionist:  It is??  Marry me!  I wanna have your last name!

Howard:  Marry you?  Sure!  screaming  HEY GUYS!!  I JUST GOT ENGAGED!



Meanwhile, in the taxi...



Al:  But what does this mean about my Presidential campaign?  I am

running for president, you know.

Taxi Driver:  Hmmm...this is a problem.  Well, let's not worry about that

right now...let's worry about getting you a superhero costume.

Al:  Ooh!  Do I get a cape and everything?

Taxi Driver:  Of course you get a cape!  All superheroes get capes!

Al:  What color?

Taxi Driver:  You get to pick that.

Al:  Cool!  I want a pink & purple one!



Join us next time...or not...





**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,

  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email eener@juno.com with your question



Dear Wise Sage(tm),



What is a "Sage"?  Why are they called "Sages"?  What does that have to do

with the sage plant?  Y'know, I like sage incense.. only really good kind,

though, but that doesn't matter, really.  Actually, there's sage in my

shampoo, too.  So, does this mean that I have wise shampoo?  Does using

wise shampoo make my head more wise?



-Confused about sage and Sages.



Dear Confused,



In last week's issue, I revealed that "Sage" was derived from the name of

a strange type of Eggplant found in Tasmania, the SageEggplant.  This may

come as a shock to you, but the ingredient "sage" in your shampoo, is

actually eggplant.  Overuse of thiat shampoo may cause your hair to turn

purple.  The shampoo will only cause you to become wiser if you find a way

to get the purple out of your hair.



Wise Sage





Dear Wise Sage,



I've been wondering.  Why are the big bags you store garbage in black?

Why not for instance neon red?



Signed, Teemu M{ki



Dear Teemu,



The Garbage Bag Foundation (GBF) was able to purchase a large amount of

black dye at a very low price.  Calculating the current number of garbage

bag users times the number of boxes used per month....the black dye won't

run out until the year 3014.  I have heard the rumor that they were

offered some neon red dye, but didn't accept the offer, due to the idea

that the garbage bags might enrage bulls in Spain.



Wise Sage





************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this

  section, email melvan@wildstar.net



Just about fell over when I (melvan) found this in my mailbox on

Tuesday...it's been a while since we heard anything from Potato Land.



Dear Editors:



It's early in the morning here in Potato Land, and I am alive.  Just

wanted to check in with you and all the readers.  This is a subliminal

attempt to get you to vote for my column in the Best of FME.  So if you

read that last sentence before going on to this one, you know what you

have to do.

PostcardsfromPotatoLandPostcardsfromPotatoLandPostcardsfromPotatoLandPostcar

dsfromPotatoLandPostcardsfromPotatoLandPostcardsfromPotatoLandPostcardsfromP

otatoland



Well, anyway it's nice to have a moment to write and say hi.



I wish to thank you editors and all you people out there who so sorely

miss reading Postcards from Potato Land for inspiring my second book

title.  Rather than contributing to FME over the past few months, I have

been right here at my computer screen compiling about 220 pages of classic

literature which is sure to make the New York Times Bestseller list.  And

guess what I named it.  Yup, you got it.  Postcards from Potato Land will

be out in March if all goes well.  So pass the word around the world and

when I make my millions, I'll invite all FME subscribers to my house here

in beautiful North Potato Land for a baked potato party.  In the meantime,

remember me when you vote.

PostcardsfromPotatoLandPostcardsfromPotatoLandPostcardsfromPotatoLandPostcar

dsfromPotatoLand..................................



PG





------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------





Once again, we ask you to vote for your favorite stuff of FME!



The categories are:

--Favorite ATTB episode

--Favorite Dumb Poetry

--Favorite Wise Sage letters

--Favorite section of the magazine

--Favorite stuff from "The Section Where Other People Write"/"Fruit Bats

in Your Toilet"



PLEASE respond by September 30!!  The anniversary issue will be ready on

Wednesday, October 9.



----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



Utopia

---------



The Trix Rabbit

would get the Trix...

Wile E. Coyote

would catch that durn Road Runner....

There would be a roll of duct tape

in every home in America...

and I

would have pixi stix coming out my ears...

Alanis

would suddenly get laryngitis...

The four basic food groups would be

Pizza, Sugar, Pixi Stix

and Macaroni and Cheese...

and everyone

would know what "wutg" means!



eener



MCI*

---



Massively

Cancerous

Internet.



melvan



*In case you hadn't heard or experienced it yourself, MCI had some big

problems on Sunday, which royally screwed up a lot of the internet.



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not

changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in

(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #45

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): eener@juno.com

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@wildstar.net



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--mel's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++





Hello again!!!  We have a great project that we desperately need your help

on!  We are compiling some of the best FME stuff from the last year for

our 1 year anniversary edition, and we need YOU to tell us what you liked

best from the last year!



VOTE for your favorites!



The categories are:

--Favorite ATTB episode

--Favorite Dumb Poetry

--Favorite Wise Sage letters

--Favorite section of the magazine

--Favorite stuff from "The Section Where Other People Write"/"Fruit Bats

in Your Toilet"



PLEASE respond by September 30!!  The anniversary issue will be ready on

Wednesday, October 9.





Another installment of



Oh Snop!

(life's little annoyances)



....or whatever the heading for this category is 



For those of you who are relatively new to FME, "Snop" is the official bad

word of this publication.  This section is devoted to complaining about

life's little annoyances, and I (eener) have a gripe about something,

sooo...hey!  Wait!  Where are you going?  Ok...I'll complain

nicely....NOT!  



This is a complaint about what a pain in the rear it is to get a license

here in Georgia, where I recently moved.  I lost my license in Wisconsin

before I moved and couldn't find it!  If I would have known what a royal

pain getting one here would be after losing my WI license...I sure

would've gotten a replacement before I left.  Ahh...but hindsight is

always 20/20.  To begin with, I have to take my driving and written tests

again.  I'm not TOO worried about that part of it...all except the

parallel parking part.  I hate parallel parking, and I certainly don't

think I'm the only one   The worst part of it all, is that I need

"proof of residence" before I can get a driver's license here.  I don't

have ANY of the things on the list that you can use for proof of

residence.  You can use several things, such as a bank statement with your

address on it...but it has to be a LOCAL bank (which of course it doesn't

specify on the list ).  And in order to get an account here, you need a

job here....geez!  Of course, I am set now, because I just got a job at

Delta Airlines here...and they can write a letter stating that my address

is such and such.  Woo woo!!  But a warning to all....get a replacement

license BEFORE you move....and avoid the hassle!!!  Of course...you still

might need proof of residence..but you probably won't need to take the

test again!  Ok...I'll shuddup now...I can see you advancing towards me

holding that duct tape.  Nooo!  Don't duct tape my fingers!!  I won't be

able to type!  Ack!  Ack!  Ack!!!  aosdiugp;osai;odifu;asdodifu;asf.....





####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di

GUEST STAR:

The Evil Taxi Driver:  played by Beldin



Last week on ATTB, Al discovered that the "evil taxi driver" that

kidnapped him, was in fact Batman in disguise!!!  His plan was to get Al

to be his sidekick....



Taxi Driver:  Al...I now dub you my new sidekick..."Sir Laffsalot"

whonks Al on either side of his head with a large foam noodle

Al:  Ouch!

Taxi Driver:  I expect you to be faithful to the cause of Batman, which is

to get as many babes as you can to fall in love with you!

Al:  Uh...I think I can go along with that!

Taxi Driver:  Good, I'm glad you like the idea...because the pay sucks.



Back at the theater, Howard is having a phone conversation with the blonde

receptionist...



Howard:  Wanna go out Saturday night?

Receptionist:  Um...where do you wanna go? dabs white-out on the phone

receiver Oooops, sorry, I didn't mean to say that.  What I meant to say

was "Sure!  I'll go out with you....is your last name Gfot?"

Howard:  with his hand over the phone mouthpiece  Hey guys!  She asked

me if my last name was Gfot...what should I say?  And what's a gfot???



Join us next week...when you may or may not find out what a gfot is...







------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



In case you care to know, MELVAN FINALLY GOT HER HARD DRIVE!!!!!





**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,

  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email eener@juno.com with your question



Wise Sage,



Do you get your name from the sage brush that grows in the wild or are you

a decendent of the family Sage (Pronounced saw-gee, greek for "Let his

cereal sit too long")?



M. Parsons



Dear M. Parsons,



Actually, I am named after a strange variety of eggplant from Tasmania

called the SageEggplant.



Wise Sage





************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this

  section, email melvan@wildstar.net



Splat

-----

the

 noise

  of

   spam

    hitting

     a

      linoleum

       floor



--qaz1



----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



Malaprops up the wazoo

---------------------------------



Hey people!

Go out today

and kick a gift horse in the teeth...

and

while you're at it...

plug your nose

because...

something stinks in Denver....



eener



Jingle Bells (seriously revised version)

-----------------------------------------------------



It's Christmas '96...

fa la la la la la la la laaaaa

Buy Renee some pixie stix

fa la la la la la la la laaaaaa...

Kill Alanis Morisette

Fa la la la la la la la laaaaaaa!



Iiii just realized...

the title of this poem...

should be...

Deck the halls....

seriously revised...

Isn't it ironic...

don't you think?



eener



Sloooooooow...

--------------



once

upon

a time

the mail came at noon

and

now

it

comes

at 2 pm.



melvan



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not

changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in

(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon.

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #44

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): eener@juno.com

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@wildstar.net



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Oops.



It seems that some people got last week's issue more than once.  One

person even got it THREE times.  While we know that you all LOVE the

magazine, we also know that too much of a good thing can be harmful.  So

if you've experienced any strange symptoms in the last week as a result of

getting two or more copies of FME, shove a roll of duct tape in your

mouth.



Also, after sending out last week's issue, melvan realized that there were

in fact two poems in the DPIACTT section that were also in FME #42.  Oops

again.



Third, melvan is gonna try sending this from her shell account this

week...so we'll see how it goes...



And finally...we have a case of the missing issues.  We seem to have

misplaced issues 40-42.  If you happen to have one of them sitting around

somewhere, please send it to melvan@wildstar.net so she can put them on

the web where they belong.





####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@





The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



GUEST STAR:

The Evil Taxi Driver:  played by Beldin





Last week on ATTB, Al got ticked off at everyone and ran away in a taxi.

This taxi was, in fact, driven by the SAME taxi driver that "kidnapped"

Raul & Esmerelda in Scene 1.  One of our readers has asked to play the

part of the evil taxi driver (since he's a taxi driver in real life).  So

we're gonna let him.



This week, we will learn just what the taxi driver plans to do with Al...



(In the taxi)

Al:  Hey, you took a wrong turn!  My house is the other way!

Taxi Driver:  I'm not taking you home.

Al:  looks closely at the taxi driver  Hey, you look familiar...didn't

I see you back in Scene 1?  You're the same taxi driver who kidnapped my

friends!!  Take me home!!

Taxi Driver:  Shhh!!  Be quiet! looks around nervously  I'm going to

tell you something, and you have to keep it a secret!  All right?

Al:  whimpering  Uh...ok...

Taxi Driver:  stops the car, looks around, and whispers  I'm Batman.

I'm taking you to the bat cave.  I need a new sidekick.  Robin has

decided to be a shoe salesman.  You're perfect for the job.  We'll call

you...call you...uh...help me out here...

Al:  You'll call me "uh help me out here"?

Taxi Driver:  Yes!  That's perfect!  Now don't tell anyone!  starts the

car & drives off into the sunset, towards the bat cave



Meanwhile, back at the theater...



Esmerelda:  It's all my fault!  I threw the gfots!  I sinfed!  This never

would have happened if I'd behaved myself!

I.M.:  But then you wouldn't be Esmerelda!  You'd be...uh...someone else.

Buffy:  gasps  Wow!  That's amazing, I.M.!  You should be a philosopher!

I.M.:  Why, thank you Buffy!

Raul:  looks at his watch  You guys are so boring.  I'm calling the

taxi company.

Howard:  Last time we tried that we got a blonde receptionist.  She was

stupid.

Esmerelda:  Oh, you've got LOTS of room to talk, Howard.

Howard:  Yeah...what she said.

Raul:  calls the taxi company  Hello?  I think one of your cab drivers

has kidnapped a friend of mine.

Receptionist:  I'm sorry, I can't help you.  I just answer phones and get

coffee.

Howard:  grabs the phone away from Raul  Are you the blonde receptionist?

Receptionist:  Why, yes, I am!  Why do you ask?

Howard:  Are you single?

Receptionist:  Um...I think so...let me check my calendar...



Join us next week, when we find out just how silly Al looks in his new

super hero costume.



**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,

  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email eener@juno.com with your question



The wise sage is contemplating your letters and will have answers for them

in the next couple of weeks.



************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this

  section, email melvan@wildstar.net



The first person to respond to our challenge!  In case you didn't get last

week's issue, we want you to send us funny stuff that you or other people

you know have said.  This one is from Ed Dickey:



I have a friend who has, to say the least, a unique view of the world. For

some reason I haven't quite connected yet, the Cornerstone fest seems to

bring out the best/worst in him. The following are among his observations:



(while walking to a show, eating a green pepper much like normal people

would eat an apple, and noticing for the first time that peppers were

hollow): Hmmm... I wonder how they get the air inside there.



(while staring up into a star-filled sky): Look! Sky dandruff!



------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



Basically, the same news applies as last week.  New addresses for

everything.



The Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

melvan's email:  melvan@wildstar.net

eener's email:  eener@juno.com



----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



Cool song lyrics nowadays

-------------------------------------



Iiiii recommend

getting your heart

stomped on by

Macarena!

Heyyy Macarena!

Well- my boyfriend was out of town

and his friends were so fine...

so I gave them

millions of peaches!

peaches for free...

peaches on a tree

flowing down a mountain

They were all in love with dying

they were doing it in Texas

Isn't it ironic

don't you think?



eener



Spitting

----------



Pttttooooey!!

Ptoooeyyyyy!!



eener



Help I kan't tipe

---------------------



wutg...

gfot...

klik...

speeling is so much fun!

May as well take your

keyboard and throw it out

the window!

But

be sure

to

open it

first.



eener



Dang

----



computers

telnet

irc

hangups

ping timeouts

linenoise

typos

out of Dr Pepper

AND fresh bananas



melvan



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not

changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in

(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #43

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): eener@juno.com

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@wildstar.net



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Attention all FME subscribers!!!



We have been made aware of the fact that the silliness council is closely

watching us, the writers of FME and all our subscribers.  Watch your back!

And laugh quietly!  If they discover our silliness overload, they'll duct

tape us to the floor AGAIN...and we wouldn't want that to happen!

Sssshhhh......



ATTENTION!  We are sorry that FME did not come out last week...if you have

experienced any withdrawal symptoms, please eat a bag of cheddar cheese

Combos.  The zine may have some more lapses...due to computer problems on

both of our ends...so please be patient.  This SHOULD all be done when

melvan finally gets a hard drive for her computer...



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



Last week on ATTB, the entire cast appearred as guests on the Oprah

Winfrey show to talk about how it felt to drown in a can of Mountain Dew.



Scene:  A theater.  The characters are rehearsing a scene from "Monty

Python and the Holy Grail."  Al is trying to direct them.



Howard:  I wanna play the French guard!!

I.M.:  No, let me!!

Al:  Raul is going to be the French Guard.  Howard will play King

Arthur.  And I.M. will play Galahad.

Esmerelda:  What about me & Buffy?

Al:  You can be the understudies.

Buffy:  Cool.  That means I don't have to do anything.

Raul:  Wow, I got a decent part!    Je suis

le poisson rouge.

Al:  What?

Raul:  Je suis le poisson rouge.

Howard:  What the !#$@#$ does THAT mean?

Raul:  I don't know.  It's just fun to say.

Al:  Allllllllrighty then...let's get started. passes out scripts to

everyone  Ready, Howard?  You have the first line.

Howard:  Halt!  Hallo!



Sound effects guy:  Hey, you never told us this horn was broke!

Al:  I didn't?  Uh...sorry.  Just forget the sound effects for now, ok?

Raul:    Allo!  Who is eet?

Al:  Cut!  Cut!  Raul, that accent is pitiful.  You sound just like

you're from France!  Make it more fake!

Raul:  Uh...ok.    Allo!  Who is it?

Howard:  It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table.

suddenly gets a clue  Hey, where are the knights?

Al:  Well, you've got I.M....

Howard:  There's supposed to be more than one, you @$%$^(* director!!

Who do you think you are, anyway??

Al:  I think...I am a chicken fajita.

Esmerelda:  Guys, SHUT UP!! throws gfots at the guys

I.M.:  picks up a gfot What the heck is this thing?? tastes it  Hey,

this isn't too bad!  It sorta tastes like cat food!

Buffy:  You're disgusting.



Raul:  What the heck are you doing???

Esmerelda:  I'm sinfing.

Al:  AAARGH!!!  throws the script in disgust  You guys are lousy

actors!  We can't get anything done without somebody throwing gfots at

everyone!  That's it...I'm going home.  yelling TAXI!!!!!!!!



Buffy:  rolls her eyes That moron...

I.M.:  screaming frantically  HEY!!!  Did you guys see who that was in

the taxi???  That was the evil taxi driver that kidnapped Raul &

Esmerelda way back in Scene 1!!  Somebody has to stop him!!

Howard:  Whatever, whatever.

I.M.:  Hey, that's MY line!!



Join us next time, when yet again, they will try to track down the evil

taxi driver...





**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,

  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  email eener@juno.com with your questions



The Wise Sage blew up her computer real good because a) she didn't get any

letters in the last couple weeks, and b) part of her puter was broke

anyway, so she figured "what the hick, I'll just pretend it's a tractor."











************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this

  section, email melvan@wildstar.net



This is a story that Spazzy, an IRC friend sent to us.  He has graciously

allowed us to include it here.  Enjoy!



This weekend we took the boys out to see a movie.  We saw "Jack" with

Robin Williams.  He makes a great 10 yr old kid.    Anyway, during the

movie, my 5-yr-old son Nicholas made a comment during one scene that

cracked up everyone in the theater.



In this scene, Jack's father (a photographer) was on a photo shoot for

some kind of farm or produce or growers advertisement or calendar or

something like that (no, I don't remember exactly).  In the scene he was

shooting were some HUGE carrots (looked like large rockets or missiles)

and sitting on them were these ... ahem ... buxom blonde beauties wearing

somewhat revealing attire (you get the idea).  Anyway, when this scene

came on, it was very quiet and Nicholas said in a LOUD 5-yr-old voice

"WHOOOOAAA!"  He of course was referring to the giant carrots, not the

cleavage (yes, we confirmed this after the movie was over).    But, the

rest of the people in the movie theater thought he was referring to the

ladies, and the whole place busted out laughing.  I had tears in my eyes

from laughing so hard, but I also kinda slid down low in my seat, too.

  Sheesh!!!  Kids!!!  I still chuckle now when I think about it.



Something funny Darin said that NEEDS to be printed!!! lol



We were talking about warts...and he was saying how when he was little he

had one on his foot, and the doctor was "farting around with it, taking

his time, making money off it...he just put some WD40 on it."  I burst

into hysterical laughter!!  Of course, what he meant was Compound W...not

OIL!!





ACTUAL QUOTES BY EENER



"Something stinks in Denver."

"It wasn't missing, I just didn't know where it was!"



WE ISSUE A CHALLENGE!  Send us funny stuff that you or other people you

know have said.



------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



PLEASE SEND anything for melvan to melvan@wildstar.net.



Not only has melvan's email address changed, but so has eener's!  To send

anything to eener, please address email to eener@juno.com.



And, in case you haven't noticed, or in case we forgot to mention it last

time, the FME web page has MOVED to

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/.  If you have a bookmark on the

page (yah, right!) please update it.



AND...the 1 year anniversary issue is underway...well, at least the web

pages are...We have yet to figure out just what we're going to put in

it....



AND...we heard a rumor recently about a NEW EZINE coming out pretty soon.

It is called Prophet Online Electronic Magazine (POEM) and can be reached

at http://personal.solutions.net/cog/poem/.  The two guys who will be

writing this are IRC friends of ours and we're SURE that it will be

HILARIOUSLY FUNNY.



AND fresh bananas.





----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------





Broken Record

----------------------



I sit back

I relax

I turn on the radio

I hear Alanis

I howl in terror

and shoot the radio.

Bang!



I get in my car

To go shopping

I turn the key

and Alanis's voice

fills the speaker

I blow up my car.



I walk to the store instead...

and when I

get to the shopping center

Over the speakers

I hear

Alanis's voice...

Iiiiiiii recommend blowing

up this shopping center

for anyone....



I get home...

and on the tv...

Guess what I saw?

Yep....a commercial

for disco music.



Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?



eener



Addiction

---------



there are two

questions

in

life

that will

never

be answered...

"What the hick is a gfot?"

and

"What's an eener?"



melvan



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not

changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in

(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #42

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++





This is an intro... 





AND NoW for....The DucT TaPe Dream!!! (by eener)



Well, folks...guess what??  I actually had a dream involving duct tape

recently.  I also had a dream that same night about having a purple

police car come to melvan's house, but that's another story 



The duct tape dream started with me at work at Rockwood Research (where I

worked for years before I moved to Atlanta.)  I was calling someone on the

phone, and for some reason the phone broke, and I tried to put a new phone

in.  Ya know those little phone jacks where you put the phone line it?  I

tried putting the phone line in...but it was too small and wouldn't stay

in the hole!!  Jinkies...it was a job for duct tape!  So...I told my

supervisor we needed to fix it with duct tape.  He said "ok, I think it's

in the basement somewhere.  Could you go find it?"  And hence began the

QueSt for the DuCt TaPe.  I ventured down into the basement...(it's beside

the point that I don't even think Rockwood has a basement...these things

are irrelevant in dreams.)  It was filled with cobwebs...*huge* cobwebs!!

I kept getting them in my face as I walked through.  I finally found the

duct tape hanging on a peg on one of the support beams.  I inspected it

closely, fearing mildew from the basement may have harmed it.  Then I went

outside, where I was all of a sudden near a cliff of some type.  Water ran

under it.  Some of my coworkers were on the other side, and they were

urging me to throw them the duct tape.  I tried to throw it and jump over

at the same time, but I could tell it wasn't going to work.  They said

"Throw the duct tape over, then come!!"  I threw it towards them, but it

came up short and landed in the water, so I leaped in to rescue it.

Hmmm...and I don't remember much more...soooooo I'll end it here.  THE

END.















####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



Last week on ATTB, the entire cast drowned in a can of Mountain Dew.



Scene:  The entire cast is appearing on the Oprah Winfrey show...



Oprah:  Today, our show's topic is..."How it feels to drown in Mountain

Dew!"



Audience:  applauds



Oprah:  (turning to Raul)  Our first guest is Raul!!  Raul...how did

falling in a can of Mountain Dew make you feel?

Raul:  pondering  Well...I'd have to say...it made me feel very wet.

Audience:  applauds



(Oprah walks over to an audience member)



Oprah:  Yes, do you have a question for a panel member?

Audience Member:  Yes...this question is directed to that large, muscular

man sitting behind Raul....Have you ever rescued anyone from martians?

Arnold Schwarzenegger:  No.

Oprah:  (turning to Esmerelda)  Moving along, our next guest is

Esmerelda!

Audience:  applauds and cheers

Oprah:  How did you feel after drowning in Mountain Dew, Esmerelda?

Esmerelda:  It upset me very much...

Oprah:  Because you felt like you were too young to die?

Esmerelda:  No, because I would much rather have drowned in Dr. Pepper!



Audience:  wild applause



(Oprah looks up at the clock)



Oprah:  Oops!  We're out of time for today's show!  Our topic for

tomorrow is..."Elvis impersonators singing Alanis songs...the craze of

today."  Join us then!  Until then..remember!  Help control the pet

population- have your pet spayed or neutered! G'bye everybody!



Join us next week on ATTB, when Howard chokes on a gfot....

















**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up

  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!

  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions



Dear Wise Sage,



We know it's true for n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true for every

natural number less than n.  N is arbitrary, so we can take n as large as

we want.  If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is trivially

equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n.  We can take n = n

(from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.



So, what the heck is n?



From Mr. Sharky





Dear Mr. Sharky,



To discover what n is...you must first take the natural logarithm of it.

Of course, if you feel uncomfortable doing that...you can take the

UNnatural logarithm of it.  Once you've performed this step, take n and

put it in a Ronco food dehydrator and hit the "power" button.  If, after

this, the n has not disintegrated, insert it in a power outlet and listen

for the sound it makes.  If it hisses, then n is one.  If it explodes...it

won't matter, because you'll be dead.



Wise Sage





************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com



"A cow is just a cow...but duct tape is forever."

--Courtesy of Dave Hart





------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



Um...Nothing this week...





















----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



Sesame Street song...revised

-------------------------------------------



Sunny day...everything's a-ok

On my way to where the air is clean....

Canya tell me how to git

how to git to Sesame street?

How to git to Sesame street?



Rainy day...everyone's in my way....

I feel crabby..I'm gonna kill someone..

Canya tell me how to mix...

how to mix a poisonous drink?

How to mix a poisonous drink?



Sunny day...everything's a-ok...

'cept the policemen in my houseeee...

Canya tell my mom to bail..

bail me outta jail today?

bail me outta jail today?



eener



Pig Bat

-----------



When pigs fly...

exactly.



eener



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed

in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in

regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #41

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): djwerner@netime.com

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Welcome to yet another fun-filled issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding)

Magazine!  We do hope that you enjoy your weekly dose of stoopidity as

much as we enjoy writing it!



First up this week, a story melvan wrote about working at Pizza Hut:



"A Short Essay (with a long title) about Working at Pizza Hut"



The short version:  Sometimes it sucks.  Sometimes it doesn't. Like on

payday.



The slightly longer version:



OK, some background.  The make table is where we make the pizzas (hence

the name "make table").  In this table are about 20 pans of different

sizes for the sauces, cheese, and toppings.  Health laws require us to

flip these pans every night when business slows down - so the stuff on the

bottom of the old pan goes to the top of the new pan and it all gets used.

Then there's less chance of food spoiling.



Cool, eh?



Anyway, this has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of what I'm going

to write - except that one night while I was flipping these pans, one of

the other cooks decided to re-write a certain song: "Someone's flipping,

Lord, Kumbayah...Someone's flipping, Lord, Kumbayah...."



This particular co-worker of mine has a - er, um, STRANGE sense of humor.

Never a dull moment when he's around.  A particular favorite pastime of

his while at work is making fun of any song that comes on the radio - or

saying things like "You know, I sang backup on this album....Yeah, me and

Bob Dylan go waaaaay back...."



He's also a drummer in a band, so that might have something to do with his

personality - when you beat on things all the time, it's gotta do

something to your brain....







Just my two cents...and some of your mom's meatloaf - sorry, another Pizza

Hut inside joke....



The long version:  Wait for the movie!!



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



Last time on ATTB:  I don't even remember, so I'm not even going to try to

pick up where we left off.  Why should that surprise you?



Oh yes!  Of course!  The entire cast is going to drown in a can of

Mountain Dew this week!!  Now I remember!



Entire cast:  Help!  We're falling into a can of Mountain Dew!!



The End.



**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up

  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!

  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions



Due to eener moving last week, the Wise Sage column is not here this week.

It will return again next week, or whenever we have questions to be

answered.



************************

Fruit Bats in your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com



Yikes!  We have more fruit bats than we know what to do with!



French Toast



Warm, moist,

Smothered in sweetness

A fork gently slicing a buttered edge

Aunt Jamima!

Log Cabin!

Running sap flowing from the silent Maple.

More PLEASE!

More French Toast...



Marvin of 41



the other day my friend got a job at the dollar store and everyone made

fun of her.  she was not ashamed however, she said, "Nothing bad has ever

happened to anyone at the dollar store."  The next day, a dollar store

employee was found completely duct taped in the storage room of the store

and all the money had VANiSHED!!!!  My friend quit.



--Indiegyrl



A response to FME #39, in which we stated that the fruit bats died:



I had a pet fruitbat,

but he died.

To say I didn't love him,

I'd say I lied.



I'm sad he's gone,

but my heart will mend.

Cause when we played hide'n seek,

He'd always get me "in the end".



IUDTG





----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------





Hunger

------



I rush out the door

I would eat more

breakfast

if only I had

a mouth.



eener





Smile...

--------



because the sky is blue

because the grass is green

because of a Hershey's candy bar

because of the Energizer Bunny

because you're not eating lutefisk

because you have a mouth

because.



eener









Sleep Deprivation

-----------------



bloodshot eyes

sore muscles

yawning constantly

weird poetry

and zucchini.



melvan



Heating Pad

-----------



Spock raises an eyebrow

as I

mutate.



eener & melvan



Jellybeans

----------



In my Easter basket

I see jelly beans

In my Easter basket

I see Easter grass

In my Easter basket

I see chocolate eggs

In my Easter basket

I see marshmallow birdies

In my Easter basket

I see William Shatner

and realize I'm

not in Kansas anymore

Toto.



eener



NOTE:  if you read last week's issue, in which melvan put the list of

stuff found under eener's bed, then you'll understand why we put this poem

in this week's issue





Dissertation on the Meaning of Life

-----------------------------------













MM (Marcel Marceau)











Conflagration

-------------



Microwave oven

to bake

my potato...

flames shoot

from the spud...

it is now

coal...

I wonder if it could

become a

diamond

if I

broiled

it?



eener



NOTE:  This DID actually happen to eener once when she put a potato in

the microwave....



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except

for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel free to

distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any

way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to

punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #40

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



This is the issue we were supposed to send last week, but misplaced.  I

FOUND IT!!  HAHAHA!!!  You thought you were safe, didn't you?  HA!



FME turns the big 4-0 this week!!  40 issues!!!  Woohoo!!  I (melvan), in

all honesty, didn't think we'd last this long with it...yet another proof

that I don't know it all....



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



Last week on ATTB, the characters were shocked by the confession of

Buffy...she was secretly in love with Howard, whom, as we discovered, had

done prison time for impersonating Barney, and I'm adding on to this

sentence, just to make it a very long run-on sentence...



The scene:  a small antiques store in Iowa (because the special f-x budget

is low, and we've used this scene before...)



Buffy:  sobbing  Howard, Howard....I don't care that you are an

ex-con...I love you!  I want to marry you!!

I.M.:  But you left me at the altar when you found out I'm named after

the metric system...why him????



NOTE FOR NEW SUBSCRIBERS:  I.M. stands for "In Metric"....



Arnold Schwarzenegger:  How frustrating...why do I keep popping up here?

(Raul shoots Arnold with disappearing fluid, and Arnold fades into

nothingness)

Esmerelda:  Hey!!!!  I have an idea!!!  Let's go to Disneyworld!

Special FX guy:  Sorry...we can't afford to send you all there.

(Arnold begins to glimmer back into existence)

I.M.:  I still love you Buffy...you can't marry Howard!!!

Buffy:  Hmmm...maybe I should forget you all and go after Arnold!!

Arnold:  Um...I'm already married, actually...

Al:  What about my presidential campaign?

Raul:  This is so weird!  I feel like all these plots, present and past,

are colliding!!  Plot collision extroadinaire!!

I.M.:  Whatever, whatever.

Esmerelda:  I have such a bad headache!!

Narrator:  Use Nuprin!  Small, yellow, different.

Raul:  It's LITTLE, yellow, different.

I.M.:  Whatever, whatever.

Howard:  I think I.M. likes that song...

Esmerelda:  Type the text of your message here.

Howard:  asdffdkja;jkla;jkldfasjafdsjkffdasjjkdfdadfsfdfdsfjkj;kjk;;afdsj

Esmerelda:  WOW...where did you learn Swahili, Howard??

Buffy:  Awwww...what a talented guy..I must snatch him up before

someone else realizes how wonderful he is, and steals him out from under

my nose!!!

Esmerelda:  Ewwwww...you keep him under your NOSE????

I.M.:  That's DISGUSTING

Raul:  Whatever, whatever.

I.M.:  Hey, that's my line!!!

Buffy:  When you just spoke that weird language...what were you saying

Howard?

Howard:  I'll tell you next week.

Buffy:  I want to know NOW!!!

Howard:  I'll tell you next week!!!!!!

Esmerelda:  Yes...he was saying, that he'll tell you next week!!

Buffy:  frowning  I wanna know what he said!!!

Howard:  I'd rather not say in front of everyone else...

Buffy:  (suddenly realizes) Ohhhhhhh......you'll tell me next week...

alone?

Raul:  Somehow...this reminds me of Sesame street...remember that time

when one person was learning Spanish...and he learned how to say "no," and

the other character wanted to learn how to say "no" and the guy says..

"no," and the girl keeps asking, how to say "NO???!!"

Buffy:  Er...no...all I remember from Sesame street is how they always

taught us how to say "water" in Spanish...

All the characters:  AGUA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Narrator:  This episode of "As the Tractor Burns" has been sponsored by

the letter P, the letter X, and the number 309846123897461293876423198674.



Join us next week...when everyone drowns in a can of Mountain

Dew...OOOPs!!!  We gave away the ending!!



**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up

  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!

  email melvan@pressenter.com with your questions



Dear Wise Sage



Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?



From, Frobean



Dear Frobean,



The people who made up the terms for these objects had obviously been

sniffing kool-aid dust when they labeled them.  Most likely, it involved

several people together, in a strange mood, who decided to call the strip of

road where we park a "driveway" and where we drive a "parkway."  These people

were bored and wanted to do something to make the human race wonder.  These

were most likely the same people who invented the "Syntax Error" in the

computer.



Wise Sage



************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com



hey, I found this on one of the mailing lists I subscribe to, reminded me

of some of your back issues.



From the Personals:

-------------------



SBF Seeks Male companionship. I love long walks in the woods, riding in

your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips.  Cosy winter nights

spent lying by the fire.  Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of

your hand.  Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work.  Kiss me and I'm

yours.  I'm a svelt good looking girl who loves to play.  Call 565-2121

and ask for Daisy I'm an eight week old black labrador retriever.



Patty





------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



Well, now that you all know what 'wutg' is all about...we at FME are proud

to present



THE OFFICIAL WUTG PAGE!!



Yes, that's right!  Last Saturday night when melvan had nothing better to

do, she searched the web for pages that said wutg...and found plenty of

them!  So all the pages that have that particular typo on them will be

linked on this page - as soon as mel gets around to writing it up....



And now, of course, the official radio station of FME will be WUTG....if

there is such a station....and if there is, and you know about it, you'll

tell us, right?



Oh!  I suppose you're waiting for the URL, right?  OK...

http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/wutg.htm





----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------





Plague

------



Hic.

Hic.

Hic.

Hic.

Hic.

Hic.



melvan





Erp

---



If you chug a can of pop

cold as a snake in July....

You will burp...



eener





Ant Poison

----------



Little black ants

scurry into the trap

and die.



eener & melvan





Modem

-----



Screeeekkk!!

eeekkkkk!!!

Scrrttchh

Screeekkk!

duct-taped

to

a

speaker.



eener













Pop-tarts

---------



Strawberry

pop-tarts

Breakfast food.

My brother

craved

them

for his very own...

so he hid them

in a

speaker.

true story.



eenker (just felt like adding something to my name)



Brain constipation

------------------



Help.

I can't think of an idea for this poem...

I try to think of topics to

write

about.

I try to think of things that will be

silly

and

nonsensical.

But I have brain constipation.

And...

I hate it when I get Alanis songs stuck in my head..

Luckily I don't

now...

I wonder...should I write about Spam?

Duct tape?

Fish heads?

Big green things?

Superman's underwear?

Lawn ornaments?

I struggle for a topic...

But nothing comes to mind...

nothingness...

nothingness...

There is an

electric

staple gun box

by my

feet.

I yawn and transmit

myself

to the top of the page.

Whoops.

I think I should end this

here.

wutg.



melvan & eener



Milk Van

--------



the strange noise

just reared its

ugly

head

again...

"My slip is still connected"



melvan



Nooo...

-------



Don't

you

know

anything??

Mac's slip is still connected.



eener



But...

------



The

frog

ball's

legs

grew

back...

then I

pulled them off

again

accidentally.

wutg.



melvan



Liar, liar, pants on fiar

-------------------------



That

was

no

accident.



eener



Untitled #39281

---------------



Was

too.



melvan



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except

for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel free to

distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any

way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to

punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).