Farm Macheenery (exploding) - 4

Stoopid         M       M       Issue....

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #39

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



This issue may be late...as if you cared....computer problems...



Hoooo boy...We had a really great issue written up for this week, but we

seem to have misplaced part of it (like, 90 percent of it).  Not to

mention the fact that Elkvis put Win95 on his computer & now we can't do

anything useful with it....  So we're starting over.



This is what happened the last time I (melvan) took eener to the airport.



Hello...here's the duct tape story as I originally typed it...I thought

I had emailed it to Darin to give it to you, but I never heard back from

him, so maybe it got lost or something...



Could you pass this story on to somebody by the name of eener?  Pleeez?

I'll show you my deodorant container collection!!



BEGIN STORY HERE



"What Happened After We Dropped You Off (a cliff!!)"



by melvan 



OK...so ya know that the car was overheating all the way up there.  It

kept overheating, so I kept turning on the heater, which helped for a

while, then I'd shut it off again & the temp would go right back up

again... (we really shoulda taken your car...)  So we got all the way back

to Woodbury & Best Buy (took a wrong turn...remember when you said not to

go on Hwy 5?  Guess what...I did...DUH!!!  )  Anyway...the car was

still doing that rollercoaster temperature gauge thing, so when we got

to Best Buy (sheesh...  I typed "Best Guy" first...hehehe) I popped the

hood & we looked at the water level...which had dropped considerably since

we left home...then I noticed that the radiator hose had a BIG LEAK in

it!!  So I asked Andy if DUCT TAPE would work on that...he said "yeah,

DUCT TAPE would probably work on that"...  soooo...we put some more water

in it & I turned the heater on again to let the engine get cooled down

before I shut it off...then we went into Best BUY to look at stuff...Andy

got a new joystick for his computer...then we went over to Target...Andy

filled up the milk jug, I went & bought DUCT TAPE...  then we went out &

filled up the reservoir AGAIN (which had drained A LOT for just going 3

blocks)...and DUCT TAPED the leak in the hose.  Then we went over to

Barnes & Noble, where I bought the "Real stories of DUCT TAPE"  book...and

then we went over to Northwestern Bookstore (I got the NTTCBT video)...the

car did fine the rest of the way home...thanks to DUCT TAPE!!!!!



And now for...

the constellations according to FME!



Have you ever looked at the sky and wondered how on earth they named the

constellations because they don't look AT ALL like their names...except

for the big dipper, which is the only constellation we know anyways....



Here are some constellations according to us:



1.  Ducttaped poodle majoris and ducttaped poodle minoris:  These two

constellations are visible in the northern sky...three stars constitute

each of these obscure constellations.  They occasionally drink out of the

big dipper, which they mistake for a toilet.



2.  Big Dip Head:  This constellation is part of the Snickers galaxy, and

is only visible to people wearing "Beavis and Butthead" T-shirts



3.  Cat hornking a hairball:  Yes indeed...this lovely constellation is

visible just below the ducttaped poodle minoris.  The tail of the cat is

made up of Halley's comment. (Yes, Halley made a comment, it's just not as

well known as his comet.)



4.  Exploding tractor:  This fabulous constellation is just a mass of

unrelated stars, spread out all over the entire sky.



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



We had a great episode written for this week, and now since we temporarily

lost it in cyberspace...here's this week's episode.  This week's priorly

written episode will (hopefully) come next week!



Scene:  A large tar pit



All:  Help!  We're falling into a tar pit!



The end.















**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up

  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!

  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions



Dear Wise Sage,



How did these stupid writers manage to lose issue number 39?



Signed, tarpitbrain



Dear tarpitbrain,



Uh oh...I can't answer your question, because I just lost it.



Wise Sage



Dear Wise Sage,



What does WUTG mean??



luthien, Haxiem, bourgeois, mred, and ALMOST everyone else we know on

irc...



Dear people,



WUTG=Writers Use Tape Gratuitously



actually...'tis just a typo we left in here because we knew you all would

wonder about it.



Wise Sage(s)





AND NOW...THE WRITERS OF FARM MACHEENERY (EXPLODING) MAGAZINE BRING TO

YOU...



"What We Found Under Renee's Bed"



First of all, we would like to point out that eener is going to be moving

to Atlanta very soon (like, in the next 2 weeks)!!!  Soooo...that means

FME is going to be no more.  JUST KIDDING!!!!!  We will continue to write

this for as long as we possibly can...but it will be going through some

changes, only if we told you what they were, we'd have to kill you.

Actually, the truth is, we don't know exactly what kind of problems we may

run into while trying to write the magazine with the two of us in two

different time zones.  But we can guarantee you that they will be

interesting....



So this Sunday afternoon, I (melvan) was over at eener's house, helping

her pack up her stuff.  She told me to look & see what was under the bed

so we could get all that stuff sorted/packed/thrown away.  And this is

what I found.  This is a TRUE STORY!!!  As soon as I saw Item #1 under the

bed, I knew I had to make a list!  I was literally ROTFL (I was already

on the floor actually...looking under the bed...)



 1.  An unopened can of Cream of Potato soup, with a November 1996

     expiration date on it

 2.  A book called "They Shoot Canoes, Don't They?" by Patrick McManus

 3.  A baseball-type cap so covered in dustballs that we couldn't tell

     what it said

 4.  A ripped suitcase

 5.  A brand new stocking cap

 6.  Renee's senior party ticket from 2 years ago

 7.  Some admission stuff from Northwestern College in St. Paul, MN

 8.  Photo mailers

 9.  1 box of check carbon copies

10.  A book called "The Bluebird and the Sparrow" by Janette Oke (btw,

     she's a good author...if you ever see any of her books around & you

     like prairie romance type novels, read one of them!)

11.  A blue notebook

12.  A puzzle

13.  A 16-month optical illusion calendar from 1995

14.  A bag of buttons & pins

15.  A hammer (which I used to drag out other stuff that I couldn't

     reach)

16.  A 1995 Far Side calendar

17.  A flowered suitcase

18.  A small, plastic hourglass

19.  MORE photo mailers



On the other side of the page...



20.  An empty Christmas Coca-Cola can

21.  An Owls at the Movies poster

22.  An 8th grade American History textbook that she never returned

23.  A box of keepsakes--pictures, diploma (yeah, she did actually get

     one!!), etc.

24.  A toy mouse

25.  An Easter basket with Easter grass & VERY old jellybeans

26.  A bent Slinky

27.  A bandana covered in dustballs

28.  A broken Fisher Price blood pressure thing (sphygmomanometer, if you

     wanna be technical...)

29.  A lunch menu from high school

30.  The other half of the Easter basket

31.  An empty Dr. Pepper can (only one, believe it or not!!)

32.  Santa socks

33.  Another flowered suitcase

34.  STILL more photo mailers

35.  A Pac-Man Atari game

36.  A container of Flea & Tick spray for cats (without a cover)



And you thought I was weird for having an Energizer Bunny flashlight....



************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com



The fruit bats died of malaria.





------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



The news is this:

someone, somewhere in the world, died.

someone, somewhere in the world, was born.

someone, somewhere in the world, is wearing

A Dr. Seuss hat.

someone, somewhere in the world, is picking

their nose.

someone, somewhere in the world, is clipping

their toenails.

someone, somewhere in the world, is listening

to a band named "Believable Picnic."

someone, somewhere in the world, is saying WUTG

and everyone else in the world is wondering

what the heck it means...



----------------

Dumb Poery in a

Card ype rash

----------------



Help

we

lost

the t



eener



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed

in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in

regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

Fourth          M       M       Demention

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #38

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



"I try to think, but nothing happens!" ---the 3 stooges



We are doing this issue ahead of time (hears audience gasp)...  because we

are going to be unavoidably detained in the next couple of

weeks...Specifically, we will be duct taped to poles for the next two

weeks.



ACTUALLY...eener is going to California...and then next week we're both

going to Sonshine, a Christian music festival in Minnesota.

AND...*drumroll*...we MAY see the Twine Ball!!!  You know....the biggest

ball of twine in Minnesota!  It's near where Sonshine is...  And, ya know

what else?  Dr. Pepper doesn't taste all that much different after you've

brushed your teeth...just for your general information- thank you for your

kind attention.



Byyyyy the way, if you happen to be anywhere near Shakopee, Minnesota, I

(eener), highly recommend that you stop by Valleyfair, the amusement park

there.  New this year is Wild Thing, a completely awesome ride.  The first

drop is 200 feet at seventy miles an hour...  what a trip.  It's even

better than sniffing kool-aid dust!  Wild thing...I think I love you.

Haha!



And now for.....

THE FME MOTTO PROJECT



Okayyy...herez the deal.  We've decided that our demented publication

should have a motto.  We, the writers have come up with a few

alternatives, and we would love for you all to vote for the best one.  We

will then tally up the votes, and use them for our lucky lotto numbers.

Haha...just kidding!!!  We will use them to select which motto we will

use.



You may vote by email, or there is a spot on the web page to vote

also...http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



1.  "If laughter is the best medicine, we must be on drugs"

2.  "CAUTION:  You are now entering the fourth demention.  Anything you

say, can and will be laughed at."



3.  "Farm Macheenery (Exploding)...it's like three women cooking in the

dark." (thanx to eener's brother)

4.  "We're a 10 on the Barbie Bedwetting Scale."

5.  "The ONLY internet e-zine that tastes like chicken."

6.  "wutg."

7.  "I don't care if I just brushed my teeth, golldurn it...I'm still

gonna eat this chocolate chip cookie."

8.  "We are nuts, but we can't be walnuts, because we are off the wall."

9.  "Help!!!!!  My brain is on fire!!!"

10. "The ONLY official e-zine of STHQ, DTUA, FBI, CIA, IRS, IRC, WUTG,

FCC, FTP, HTTP, BBC, NAACP, AFL-CIO, NRA, and Depends Undergarments."



Okay!  Please vote for just one, or we will simply count the first one you

list.  We will let you know, in the next couple of weeks, which motto

out-mottoed the others.  The deadline on voting is July 14th.





####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



Last week, we found the characters at a Steve Taylor concert...



The scene:  after the Steve Taylor concert...the characters and the rest

of the crowd are slowly filing out of the concert area.



Esmerelda:  wipes the sweat from her forehead  Whew!  I am tired now...I

think I am going to go home and sleep...sayyyyy, where do I live?

Al:  NOOOO!!!!!  She said the 'T' word!!

I.M.:  What...'to'?

Al:  No, you moron!!  'tired'.  Oh no!!!!!  Now I said it!!

(Al washes his mouth out with soap)

Buffy:  Everyone...I have something to confess.  I am in love with Howard!

I have kept it inside so long...I had to tell!!

Howard:  looking around  Hey, did I miss something?

Al:  Say, wait a minute, Buffy!  Didn't you know that Howard has a prison

record for that...incident?

Howard:  SHUT UP!!  Don't talk about that....incident.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:  I told you I'd be back.

Al:  Shoves Arnold out of the picture...get outta here, we are in the

middle of an important scene!

(Arnold falls off the edge of the frame)

Esmerelda:  in a threatening manner  I know what happened to Howard...

and I'm gonna tell Buffy!!  Hear that?  I'm gonna tell her!!  Because....

singing I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all

day...

(Buffy raises her eyebrow)

I.M.:  Ummm....ok?!

Esmerelda:  Howard committed a felony, by impersonating Barney!!!!

(Howard hangs his head in shame)

Howard:  There's not much I can do, is there?  If these writers wanted

me to dress in a bikini and rob the local bank, while singing "I've got

one hand in my pocket...because I'm holding a gun...but I have no pockets,

because I'm wearing this !@#*&^$*&$ bikini" There ain't a thing I can do

to prevent it!!!



Join us next time...when we MAY ACTUALLY find out what happens next!!!



**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up

  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!

  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions



Dear Wise Sage,



Did Adam have a belly button?



From, Frobean



Dear Frobean,



I don't know if he did, but I do.



Wise Sage, who thanks Swavek for the suggestion





************************

Fruit Bats in your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com



This conversation was stolen from the FBI by the CIA, from whom the tape

was in turn stolen by the intergalactic not-so-secret police. It has been

made open to the public, primarily in order to embarass certain

not-to-be-named (STRIPES AND TMD) individuals. The FBI agent recording

this conversation now has a permanent case of stretched toes from hanging

upside-down in a tree, outside a french cafe. Stripes and The Magic Dragon

sat in this tree, passing comments and other things about people in the

cafe.





Dragon : Who are you?

Stripes : Me? I'm a perfectly harmless racoon who got attacked by a dye

	maker with screwed colour co-ords.

Dragon : Oh? To me you look like a racoon with blue and yellow stripes,

	and pink spots!  But I have a hangover, so don't trust my

	judgement on the pink spots.

Stripes : Don't worry I don't, I've just met you, but I already know I'm

	not going to like you!

Dragon : I swear this is some kind of universal conspiricy. First NO-ONE

	trusts me, Its like they think I sunk Atlantis or something, and

	now NO-ONE likes me. Is this personal?

Stripes : No, not at all personal. I mean can you blame  people for not

	trusting you? And you  did sink Atlantis didn't you?



Dragon : NO, I did not. That was Numbers. I was just trying to get some

	candy out of that blasted vending machine. Numbers pressed the

	button. By the way, how did you find out about that. I thought

	the narrator shot himself before he told anyone.

Stripes : Yeah, well, you always blame somebody else, esspecially when

	they aren't there to defend themselves. Anyway, Atlantis is the

	topic for my PhD in Ancient Mythology. So just watch what you say,

	I know what you're talking about.

Dragon : Kewl, so how did you get here. I'm on my break. I'm the cook in

	the cafe.

Stripes  : Now I'm really glad I didn't come here to eat -

Dragon : No you idiot, I mean I am the OVEN. I breath my superheated

	flame breath over all the food that needs to be cooked. For some

	reason though, all the customers always complain that the food is

	burnt.

Stripes : Why am I not suprised?

Dragon : Wait .... Wait ... Its coming to me *put his fingers to his

	temples in a semi psychic style*... No ... lost it.  Oh, now I get

	it, you were being sarcastic.

Stripes : Holds his hands up in the air in despair No really?

Dragon : pulls an acorn off the the tree and drops it

Voice    : from below Hey waiter, whats this acorn doing in my coffee.

Dragon : Oops.

Stripes : Why does that sound so familiar.



(For those who are totally lost, suffer, or read last issue. ATLANTIS.-Ed.)



	You've just taken my sadistic idea for the day. I wanted to

	drop acorns, but Nooooo, you have to do it first. Stripes points

	to a pile of acorns sitting next to him

Dragon : Say do those tatse like mushrooms?

Stripes : No they taste like acorns.

Dragon : Right fine, but I'll try one anyway. *Dragon lifts Stripes up,

	and places him on another branch, then proceeds to systematically

	eat through Stripes' pile of acorns.

Stripes : Stripes picks more acorns and throws them full force at

	Dragon's head.

Dragon : Starts swaying Hey man, I've got to try more of these thi -

	OWWW. Stripes' latest attempt hits dragon on a sore tooth.

Stripes : Tee hee hee

Dragon : That was my sore tooth!

Stripes : Laughs harder You realy think I care, you ate my acorns.

Dragon : Yes, but you spiked them didn't you.

Stripes : Me? Spike them, with what?

Dragon : Food dye.

Stripes : quotes from memory  The surgeon general has warned that food

	dye can be dangerous to your health, especially when wielded by

	crazy dye makers with wierd taste in coulors. unquote And you

	fell for it, maniacal laughter

Dragon : But I feel fine, Dragon throws up suddenly

Voice : from below Waiter, I didn't order mushroom sauce.

Dragon : I feel sick!

Stripes :Not my problem.

Dragon : ...

Dragon : ...

Dragon : I still feel sick.

Voice : from above Argggggrgggg

The FBI agent falls from the tree

Voice :*from below* Hey what's with this tree anyway?

Stripes : Hey Dragon, do me a favour and throw up on the lady, and not

	just on her food.

Dragon : Never, I'm never helping you again!

Stripes : But why not, I never did anything to you.

Dragon : Noooo, only made me sick, gave me a headache, (oops sorry,

	headache wasn't part of the script), and made my sore tooth even

	... wait a minute, where is it?  Hey now I cant pay this month's

	rent you fool. I was relying on the tooth fairy for assistance.

	And now I've lost my tooth. But... I do feel better.

Voice : from below Hey waiter, there's a tooth in my soup.

Waiter : Shhh... not so loud, or everyone might want one.

Stripes : First, You wanted to eat the acorns, second, I was only

	defending myself -

Dragon : From what?

Stripes : ... and third, I think you should fetch your tooth!

Dragon : looks down But that's not my tooth, its all white and shiny. I

	bought the green version.

Stripes : I, the master of  dyes, can definetly say you were ripped off.

	That was a clever, well actually really obvious, fake attempt

	which could fool only an idiot into thinking those teeth were

	green. Besides the tooth fairy doesn't pay for green teeth.

Dragon : So who's been paying for them all this time?

Stripes : Well how many teeth have you lost?

Dragon : Errr.... only this one really!

Stripes : exasperated So how do you know you're going to get paid.

Dragon : Father Christmas told me.

Stripes : You know, for a dragon that's supposed to be magical, you realy

	are DUMB.

Dragon : What,... oh I'm sorry I wasn't listening. I was trying to use my

	ACME Incredible Magic Dragon Tail Extention Hook to get that

	tooth back. And now you interupted me. You know you're realy

	lousy company. And you critisize my spilling.. (spelling-Ed.)

Stripes : How can I critisize your spelling when you're talking to me?

Dragon : Blame Ed.

Stripes : Blame Who?

Dragon : Ed. Don't you know anything about cheaply produced attempts at

	comic relief?

FBI agent stands up, shakes his head and says to the customers :

FBI guy : Don't worry folks, FBI business. Everythings under control. Now

	please don't panic. As long as none of you know that there's a

	purple dragon, who want's to cause a hostage situation, and has a

	nuclear bomb strapped to his tail up in that tree ...

Dragon : I do? I mean I DO. ARGGGGG.

A purple tail with an ACME Incredible Magic Dragon Tail Extention Hook

can be seen hanging from the tree

Half the crowd runs, the other half get out cellular phones and call the

papers, their friends, the police, and the local mental asylum, in that

order

Half of Crowd : ARGGGGGGG

FBI guy : Hey where you all running to?

FBI guy attempts to walk, and trips over his stretched toes

Stripes : Revenge, Revenge!

Dragon : Hey, who did put this nuclear bomb on my tail?

Stripes : smiles

FBI guy : crawls slowly away, the sound fades on the recording

Dragon : Stripes, don't you want to help me get this bomb off?

Dragon : STRIPES?

Dragon : Stripes?

Dragon : stripes?

Screech of wheels

FBI guy :  Oops, Note to self, red light means stop, NOT go.

CRASH

FBI guy : Ouch!



Ok so we lied about passing comments, only acorns this time -Ed.



Stripes is an addition to our band of writers on this end of the

deppresion scale.



Hope you enjoy it etc.

Magic Dragon.



------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



Same news as last week...



wutg.



Oh!  There was a festival in Austin, Minnesota over the weekend called

"Spam Jam".  I know someone who went to it!  Unfortunately, I was working

and couldn't go.



----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



The tower of Snapple

--------------------



Some

man

decided to build a tower of Snapple.

He collected bottles all his life.

Strawberry kiwi...Pink Lemonade...

all of the flavors in the rainbow.

He took the bottles one day,

and a roll of duct tape.

God spaketh saying...

thou shalt not build a tower of Snapple...

thou shalt not attempt to reach heaven

with thy tower.

The man disregarded these words...

and built the tower all the same...

He windeth the duct tape all around

the snapple bottles.

Around and around the bottles

he windeth the duct tape.

The tower got higher and higher...

and then he ran out of duct tape.

The end.



eener and melvan



Psychiatrist 2

--------------



"I am frustrated...I want to kill my sister"

"I hear you saying you are frustrated and want

to kill your sister..."

"Yes...I am crazy and insane."

"I hear you saying you are crazy and insane."

"I want to kill people and turn them into lampshades."

"I hear you saying you want to kill people and turn

them into lampshades."

"I am going to flip off your power switch."

poof



eener



New Talent

----------



I balanced

an empty

Mountain Dew can

on

my

forehead.



melvan



Newer talent

------------



melvan typed

a

poem

about

balancing

an empty

Mountain Dew can

on

her

forehead.



eener



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed

in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in

regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

melvan...       M       M       finally has

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

her...          M  M M  M       own...             Issue #37

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       computer!!!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



WEATHER REPORT FROM WISCONSIN (by melvan)



At the time of this writing, the temperature is quite high.  This morning

when I looked out the window at our thermometer, it was already about 90

degrees F.  It's so hot...



Subscribers: HOW HOT IS IT?



It's sooooo hot that when you step out of an air-conditioned car, your

glasses steam up. (if you have glasses)



And now...



THE STORY OF BEWARD EXPLODING LAWNMOWERS (by eener)



I was in the irc channel #soundworks, happily chatting with friends, when

the idea of Beward exploding lawnmowers was born, quite by accident.  I

tried to make a topic line titled "Beware exploding Lawnmowers," but I

typo-d and instead typed "Beward exploding Lawnmowers!"  Soooo...someone

in the channel (Mugsy, I think) remarked "What...is Beward the brand

name??"  And...the idea went from there!  Some details on this wonderful

piece of macheenery:  it runs on explosives...not gas, and is the official

lawnmower of STHQ, the headquarters for Steve Taylor as prez in '96.  We

hope this wonderful piece of equipment will soon be available on the

general market.



SOMETHING STUPID EENER SAID:



She wuz having a conversation with Darin....her sweetheart, and said, in

regards to something they were discussing..."Something stinks in Denver!!"

Darin laughed quite a bit at this exclamation...and explained that the

proper statement is "Something is rotten in Denmark!"  Welll...  I think I

should send this one in to Bulletin Board!!!  BB is a part of the St. Paul

Pioneer Press newspaper, full of funny stories of the every day lives of

people...I urge you all to check it out at www.pioneerplanet.com.....

buttttttt I think you may have to subscribe to it to get it....but it is

worth it, believe me!!!  You'll laugh 'til your head needs to be

re-attached with duct tape!



SpEaKiNg of DuCt TaPe.....

(ohhh...who cares if the intro gets over-long...)



Here are some duct tape recent events we have come across!!!!



1.  In Eau Claire, Wi, which is quite close to here, someone actually

committed suicide by wrapping their head in duct tape!  True story!!!



2.  Today on Prairie Home Companion, Garrison Keillor said it was

sponsored by the American Duct tape association (or a similar-sounding

name)



3.  In the newspaper recently, there was a column entitled "ValuJet took

Duct tape book too much to heart."  This column told the story of a flight

attendant who saw duct tape on the seat of a ValuJet craft and wondered

about her safety...if there is duct tape on the seat...  what is in the

engine????



4.  Found in a catalog, there was mentioned a new kind of "military"  duct

tape....supposedly stronger than duct tape!  gasp The catalog claims

that this new military duct tape has even been used to patch bullet holes

in aircraft....



5.  My (melvan's) cousin Victor & his family came to visit on Sunday

afternoon, and when they were leaving, Victor popped the hood on the car

and noticed something amiss...Some wire or something was broke...  So I

ran in the house and got the duct tape...and he fixed it.



***Thanks to Darin for contributing the military duct tape item and the

suicide by duct tape story!  And thanx to melvan's dad for mentioning the

ValuJet article...



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



In the immortal words of melvan's cousin Victor, "Pour a little more

gasoline on that tractor...make sure it keeps burning."



Last week on ATTB, we discussed Al's addiction to duct tape...and also

mentioned that if any of you are addicted to duct tape, you should join

DTUA (duct tape users anonymous.)  We understand how an addiction may make

you feel confused...guilty....misunderstood...sticky....soooo....join

DTUA!!  Check out www.pressenter.com/~melvan/dtua/ for more information!



Anywaysssssss....on with the show!



Scene:  All of the characters are at a Steve Taylor concert.  Steve Taylor

is a Christian music artist/producer/music video director who sings the

most awesome alternative tunes.



Steve: singing Hey momma, hey momma lookit what yer babies all have

become...hey momma, hey momma...don't it ever make you wish you'd been a

nun?



Esmerelda:  Ouch!  That had to hurt!!!

Steve:  singing Vain and fickle, were we weaned on a pickle????



Howard:  Macaroni & Cheese.

Buffy: What???

Howard:  I just heard one of the writers, eener to be specific, say she

would like to make some macaroni and cheese....

Buffy:  Er....I think you are hearing those voices in your head again....

Steve:  singing  Smugggggg.....



Howard:  I know I heard eener say she was going to make some macaroni

and cheese!!!

Raul:  Argh!!  melvan can't type on this weird Mac keyboard!!

Al:  Er....am I the only one who isn't having psychic messages from the

writers?

thinking  Ohhhhh...it must be that the duct tape on my ears blocks

these messages from entering my brain...

Bourgeois:  Vote for Steve Taylor in '96!!!!!



I.M.:  headbanging  I love this song!!

Al:  bawling  It's not faiiiir!  I want to be like Hillary Clinton and

hear psychic messages!!!

Howard:  Wait!!!  Wait...I hear a message coming from the writers again...

what does it mean?????  It's.....wutg.

***Raul is now known as Wutg

-Lifebot-I like Wutg...good choice.

Wutg:  Hehehe...this is a cool nick 

eener:  LOL

***Wutg is now known as Raul

Al:  These writers are irc addicts!!!!

Howard:  I got another message from the writers!!!!  It

says.....*confused expression*  melvan ripped off the frog ball's legs????

Steve:  singing And I gasped when I saw you fall, in his arms....at the

finish lineeeeeeeee.....



I.M.: falls over  Whoa...

Michael Jackson:  I am innocent!  I am innocent!  Would you like to meet

Bubbles the chimp?

I.M.:  Hey!  That's my line!  I'm innocent!!



Arnold Schwarzenegger:  Hey everybody, go see my new movie, Eraser.



Arnold:  Hey, what is this junk...I want my money!!

Guy in suit:  There is no difference.  The frog ball is green...money is

green.

(note to all the clueless, cuz we'd hafta tell you sooner or later...the

frog ball ACTUALLY exists...It's a small green ball with black markings...

and if you cut its legs off...they grow back...and we don't know

why....should we call "Unsolved Mysteries?")

Esmerelda:  Those stupid writers, filling valuable space with

parenthetical statements like that...sheesh.

Steve:  singing Oooh Ohhh  Ahhh Ahhh...Easy listening!!!



Steve:  singing  Y...M...C...A!!!!!  Hahahaha...just kidding!

(Al suddenly jumps up on the stage)

Al:  Hey...you keep falling over!  Here...duct tape yourself to the

speaker.

(Al hands Steve a roll of duct tape)

Steve:  Well...thanks!



Join us next time....when the writers may or may not make macaroni and

cheese.



**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up

  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!

  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions



sigh The wise sage has your questions, she just hasn't answered many of

them yet.  Stay tuned for the answers to your questions....



************************

Fruit Bats in your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com



I have some Spam haikus. the mail thing I have is messed up, so I decided

I'd send 'em this way.



"Pink, slimy, moving,

I hold the glob in my hands.

it feels good, the Spam."



"if you need a key

to open its container

you should not eat it"



"like a tresure chest,

you need a key to open

pink goo and jelly"



"the Father said, 'son

here is the key to my spam

it is ten years old'"



"I listen for the sound

to tell me that it's ready

then I eat my spam"



"colors aplenty

in a blue and yellow can

with jelly on top"









These were all written by me (PattyT) tonite (Monday the 20-sompin in

June)  because I'd been doing the Monty Python Spam skit all week at camp,

so a boy from my youth group bought me a can of spam, which served as

great inspiration!





------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



We have no news to report...EXCEPT THIS:  wutg.

Thank you for your time.





----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------





Excuses, excuses

----------------



Why

did I

take so long

to reply

to your email?

Well...

My computer blew up...

No...actually...

I'm lagged...

WELL...truthfully....

A monster ate all my fingers.

A monster......with a face like

the face of Robert Tilton...

without the horns.



eener and melvan (with apologies to ST)





Predicament

-----------



I cannot

find

a decent chair

to sit on

at my computer.



melvan















Cuckoo clock

------------



Look...

my cat is sleeping

on the suitcase!

A blue ribbon hangs on the wall..

as a fan blows through my hair...

I wonder about that frog ball

whose legs keep growing...

this is even stranger

than the

electrical outlet

poem.

good-bye.



eener





Post script

-----------



Well...

it does take a few days

for the frog ball's

legs to grow again.



eener



Post post script

----------------



melvan ripped his legs off...

expecting immediate results...

but...

Rome wasn't built in a day...

and the frog ball's legs

weren't

either.



eener



Screape

-------



A screape

is a sound

like fingernails

on a chalkboard

somewhere between

a scrape

and a screech.

wutg.



melvan



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed

in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in

regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #36

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



For those of you who were wondering why there was nothing in last week's

issue...you're right...we ARE nuts!!



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



Last week on ATTB, nothing happened.



As if you'd notice.  Or care.



Al:  You know, guys, I have a problem.

Raul:  We know.

Howard:  Yeah--what he said.

Esmerelda:  Tell us!!  Tell us!!  Inquiring minds want to know!!

Al:  Well...you see, it's like this...

Buffy:  SPIT IT OUT ALREADY!!!!

Al:  Takes a deep breath Ok...you see...I have an addiction...

I.M.:  What, have you been sniffing Kool-aid dust AGAIN???

Al:  No, it's much more serious this time...

Buffy:  Er...do you think he's o.d'ing on Spam again?

Raul:  Shut up!!  Let's just listen to what he's got to say for once!!

Al:  I confess!!  I'm addicted to duct tape!!  I just can't hide it

anymore!! (rips open his shirt to reveal a duct taped chest)

Esmerelda:  Oh, that's sick!!!

Buffy:  Gee...that looks like it'd hurt to remove!

Howard:  Uhhh...yeah...what she said.

I.M.:  looking confused ...and this is a *problem*??







Al:  Well...when I first started using duct tape...it held my life

together...held my car together...held my house together!!!  But

then...the addiction took ahold of me...and now...I want to duct tape

EVERYTHING!!!  My cat didn't appreciate it...

Buffy:  YOU DUCT TAPED YOUR CAT??????  What the heck is wrong with you???

Al:  Well...noooo...I didn't duct tape the cat...I fed him duct tape.

Buffy:  Oh...well, ok.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:  Hi!  (Arnold then walks away holding

$4,000,000.00 for making a cameo appearance in this cyber-soap)



I.M.:  You know, if they're gonna hand out $4 million checks to people,

you'd think they'd start with the REGULAR cast first...

Producer:  Duh...get a clue...you all are NOT regular....you all need

Metamucil.

Announcer:  Buy Metamucil!  On sale this week at all drug stores near

you.  Enjoy our new Spam-flavored Metamucil!

Buffy:  Hey!  I gotta have some of that!!



Buffy:  widens her eyes  WOW!!!  I guess they decided those puffs of

smoke weren't enough special effects for this high-class publication!

Al:  Can we get back to the issue here?  What do I do about my duct tape

addiction???

Raul:  Join DTUA.

Al:  What the heck is a DTUA?

Esmerelda:  That's Duct Tape Users Anonymous.

Al:  Well...how do I know it exists if it's anonymous?



Join us next week...when the plot will be completely changed...YET AGAIN....



**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up

  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!

  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions



Dear The Wise Sage,



How and why do cockroaches always die on their backs? And why do their

legs fold up?



Wallphone



Dear Wallphone,



Firstly, I will adress the question of why cockroaches always die on their

backs.  The government has hired a large force of people called

"Turnovers," who actively seek-out dead cockroaches (who don't naturally

die on their backs!), and these folks turn the cockroaches over on their

backs.  Why, you may ask???  It's because the government does things that

make us wonder.  Secondly, I will adress the question of why their legs

fold up.  A large majority of cockroaches have a small system installed in

their body called "Leg-Fold-ups-R-Us."  This system is designed to fold up

the bugs legs when it is dead, to conserve space in the environment.  Bugs

care about the environment too, you know!



Wise Sage



Dear (O' great) Wise Sage,



My toenail seemes to be growing! It seeem to be getting longer, and

longer-- but never when I am waching. Is this normal? How can I get it to

grow when I am waching? Is it really growing or am I just forgetting how

short it was previeously? Don't tell me I need help, because my mom is in

the other room, darning my socks. (I don't kneed you to do that.)



left toe



Dear left toe,



As the old saying goes..."A watched toenail never grows."  It is

impossible to make your toenail grow while you watch.  The toenails follow

a strict behavior code, which does not allow them to do this.  And yes,

your toenails are growing...they grow the instant you look away, and

especially while you are sleeping.  You may then ask "Well...what if I

stay up all the time and stare at my toes...will they grow then??"  The

answer to that, my friend is a solid, resounding "No!"  In fact, when

experiments were conducted with this...people stayed up for days and

stared at their toes.  The toenails became intimidated, and disappeared

altogether.



Wise Sage



Dear Wise Sage,



Why does David Letterman wear a hairpiece in public but not on his show?



mookie



Dear mookie,



Unbeknownst to most people, David Letterman and the Hair club for Men

president are ONE AND THE SAME person!!  So...in public, he becomes the

hair club president, who has to wear a hair piece, because the hair club

sytem is just a hoax where they give you a really expensive toupee.  He

doesn't wear it on his show, because he doesn't want people to recognize

him as the hair club president.



Wise Sage





************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com



Well can ya believe it?  We actually got some stuff to put in this section

this week!!



Hi there, Another one from Numbers & TMD









Not another episode, we're out of Dr. Pepper for creativity currently, but

maybe you'll enjoy this!



----------------------

To haunt the shadows of the night,

To fill the demon's heart with fright,

To roam where moonlight doesn't shine,

Can no-one ever end this rhyme?



To open fire on the dead,

To lie with Juliet in Romeo's stead,

To smash a wall in reverse,

Will no-one help me end this verse?



To wander in the Sun King's park,

To listen to the songs of dark,

To drink the Devil's cup of tea,

PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY (Sorry to D. Pirner for the quote!)



To frighten all the dogs of hell,

To make all illness feel unwell,

To dress poverty in a tux,

Man, this poem really sux!



To be or not to be   (Sorry to W. Shake... for the quote)

Let's go on a killing spree,

To fight and lose on Custer's side,

I think our inspiration died!

---------------------------



Oh yeah, just arb thanx to Carmen Wortmann for the inspiration of the last

verse.



WHY JIM CARREY DID NOT GET PICKED FOR THE ROLE OF FORREST GUMP:



Jim looks around pouts his lips, and mooves his face in really weird

expressions that are retarded and undescribeable (the only good point for

his beng Forrest) he exclaims: "Did you know that my buttoxs?" He then

looks around quickly, bends over and playing with his cheeks, voices "My

momma always said: 'life is like a box of ca-ca's you never know which one

stinks really bad." He then dons a green body suit with a big question

mark on it (?) and says "Stupid is stupid does." Then picks up a actient

wooden and metal mask, turns into a party animal with a green face and

huge clothes, then moons the president and tells him "I GOT to go PEE!"

Next he gets pooped out of a rhino completely naked and I wont tell you

how THAT happened!  he then proceedes to run all over the country in the

middle of a highway, gets killed by a semi truck and lives to tell about

it. (I wont tell you how that happened either)



--Contributed by WallPhone



------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------









----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------





What is it again?

-----------------



Gimme a 'G'

G!

Gimme an 'A'

A!

Gimme a 'T'

T!

Gimme an 'E'

E!

Gimme a 'space'

SPACE!

Gimme another 'A'

A!

What gate is that?

GATE F!!!



melvan





Dr. Pepper (the beverage)

-------------------------



Ahh...how sweet it is...

running down the esophagus...

which I don't know how to spell for sure...

I love my sweet Dr. Pepper...

healer of all sickness...

Winner of all wars....

Winner of all presidential elections....

Lowerer of our taxes....

I love it...

almost as much as I love duct tape...

Ahhhh...how sweet it is...

Sweet sweet Dr. Pepper...

running down my esophagus...

Gee, I wish I knew how to spell that word...

I s'pose I could look it up in the dictionary...

But...

I'm duct-taped to my chair...drinking Dr. Pepper.



eener & melvan



















Subliminal message

------------------



This isn't

a subliminal message

because if it were

you wouldn't know

it

was.



eener





My Turn

-------



Never thought it would happen to ME...

'cuz I have a good German name...

but the other night...

this guy...

called me 'Hoffmeister'

Go figure...

wutg.



melvan





Song

----



Odd...

but this song

soundz

somewhat

like

the

Sesame

Street

song.



eener





Song 2

------



Sequels

are

stoopid...so...

I'm not going to

write

this

poem



eener







Song 3

------



I want

to

be

a song.



melvan



Song 4 (the speculation)

------------------------



melvan

must want to be the song...

Champagne Supernova.

Don't try to figure that out...

You wouldn't understand...

Because....wutg.



eener



Song 5

------



Did you know...

that the song

"Lead On O King Eternal"

if sung wrong...

sounds like

"Lead on o Kinky Turtle"



melvan



Song 6 (the conclusion)

-----------------------



My cat

can

gallop.



eener



Aaaaargh!!!  It's that time again...we gotta get outta here...



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed

in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in

regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #35

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++





####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di





**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up

  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!

  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions





************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com





------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------





----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed

in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in

regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

Hahahahah...wescrewedupthetoplinethisweek

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #34

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Before we start this issue...eener would like to share a quote with you

all...

"Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb"--from Spaceballs, the

movie.



Remember that stoopid survey we took 10 issues ago?  Well, we finally got

around to assembling those responses...and here are some of the most

interesting answers to the questions...



1.  Where did you hear about FME?



"I wish I could remember so I could track them down and put their eyes out

with a soldering iron."--Tom W.



"from a chicken faijita"--Jessica O.



2.  Why do guys always wear white socks?



"I don't. Right now I am wearing black ones with little bitty green

stripes across the toes. What is the point of these? No one sees

them."--Alan S.



"Simple, Black socks + White hightops + shorts = a real dork."--Sir John



EDITORS' NOTE:  Most of the guys who answered this question said something

along the lines of "I'm not", while most of the gals tried to explain it.



3.  What do you like about FME?



"it's funny and talks about spam"--Shanna



"It makes me feel happy, despite how bad of a mood I'm in."--Mark



"ASK WISE SAGE!!!!!!  Sage ruuuuulz....dude."--Curtis D.



"Um....um....I had something somewhere...um...um..."--Matt P.







"The shear stupidity."--Chris



"The general hilarity that ensues throughout the entire mental institution

everytime we open up the Nursing station computer and read this crazy

thing.  Plus the deep philosophical questions it evokes!  Like: why are

you out there and we're in here?"--Dave H.



4.  What could be improved on?



"If you get around to it, a plot for ATTB. Just a thought. ;-)"--Erik R.



"The shear stupidity."--Chris



"I think you guys are far too serious.  Lighten up a little.  Enjoy life.

Don't try to talk about the implications of NAFTA on the EEC in _every_

issue.  Tone down the big words."--Matt P.



5.  this sentence ends with a preposition.



"this one does not end with a preposition...well, it does end with

"preposition," but it doesn't end with a preposition...confused yet? I

am."--Rick B.



"well the word preposition is not a preposition so the sentance is false

and therefore you are all lyers."--Jessica O.



6.  disregard #5



"Fine; Short Circuit was an inane, plotless movie anyway."--Tom W.



7.  disregard #7



"7# dragersid  .7"--Mark



8.  What is your favorite section of FME?



"The .sig file"--Haxiem



"WISE SAGE, without a doubt."--just about everybody



"ATTB"--a couple people



9.  What country are you from?



"Denmark.  No, Australia!  Aaaaaauuuggghh...."--Tom W.



"mars"--Jessica O.



10.  If the answer to #9 is USA, which state?



"I don't know that!  Aaaaaauuuugggghh...."--Tom W.



"The State of Confusion.  (Actually, it's spelled C-a-l-i-f-o-r-n-i-a, but

it's pretty much the same thing.)"--Dave H.



"the big red spot"--Jessica O.





####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



Last week on ATTB, Norin ya Quorin Pooc Hin.



This week on ATTB, Wimble Borg Oompus Electrus.



The scene///////////////////////////////whoops. Er...the scene is in Al's

campaign office, because, as you may remember, he is running for

president.



Raul:  You know, guys, I'm getting really sick of not having a plot on

this stoopid internet soap opera.

Al:  Why?  Plots are overrated.  All the successful movies & tv shows have

plots.  We wanna be different.  Go against the flow. Know what I mean,

Vern?

Raul:  Er...somehow that line seems familiar!

Vern:  Um...nevermind...I don't exist.

(Vern disappears in a plaid poof of smoke)

Buffy: I think we should mutiny against these StUpId writers, and try to

create our own plot!!!!!

I.M.:  Hmmmm....*looks around* I think we lost the plot!

Esmerelda:  Well, if we lost it, wouldn't it be in the lost and found?

Raul:  I want to take over the world!!!!!

Howard:  looks around  Where are Pinky and the Brain when we need them?

Buffy:  runs up to Raul  I have always loved you!

Raul:  Let's get married!!

Howard:  flares his nostrils  Gee....I didn't know I could flare my

nostrils...*raises his eyebrow*  Gosh...I can raise my eyebrow!!!!  does

a stomach transplant on himself  Wow...I won't even comment on that

one...

Al:  HOWARD can do SURGERY??????  Do you know what this means?????

Buffy:  Um...I know!!  I know!  waves her hand  Howard can open a

medical practice, make lots of money, and marry me, and we can live

happily ever after!!!!

Buffy:  Wait, I just had a line...I'll let someone else go here.

Esmerelda:  Nooo...I wanna marry Howard!

Raul: Er...I thought you loved me Buffy!  sobs

Howard:  You can BOTH marry me!!  We'll move to some country where that's

legal!

Al:  No, you guys...that's not what I meant...remember those aliens we

saw a couple years ago?  They said that when Howard could do surgery,

they'd come back and suck out all our internal organs!!!!  We gotta go

hide somewhere!!!!



Join us next time on ATTB, when we may or may not find the plot in a lost

and found box...





**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up

  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!

  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions



Dear Wise Sage,



Why do men have nipples?



mookie



Dear mookie,



They are there, so if the guy runs out of other areas to get pierced, they

can pierce them.



Wise Sage





************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com



GeeeeEeeeeEEeeee...ya know, we thought you'd all flood us with cool poems

and stories and stuff when we changed the name of this oh-so-awesome

column...we thought the absolute spiffiness of the name change would

spur you all to such heights of inspiration, we would not be able to keep

up with the flood of email, containing marvelous writing.  Alas, it was

not to be so.  A cat I used to have went insane when he smelled Ben Gay.

The cat I have now doesn't do that, which is cool, cuz then he won't drive

me bonkers when I have sore muscles.



Send stuff in to us!  (and money, of course)





------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



Okay guys...the news is...nothing.  Actually, remember a few weeks ago

when we said that melvan's email address would be changing after a while?

Well, she finally got the software in the mail...only it turns out that

you need a credit card to register, which melvan does not have (yet)...so

this address will be in use for a while yet....





















----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



Calculator

----------



I saw

a toad

today...



melvan



Electrical Outlet II

--------------------



Bzzt

Bzzt

I'm dead.



eener



Another

-------



This poem

is

three lines long.



eener



ST

--



"Hold the mustard on those tacos...."

With two small tacos in his pocket...

He heads out to the plane...

with toothpaste still on his shirt...

Later,

Hair flying...

Cartwheeling across the stage,

Insane.



eener & melvan



A REAL poem that actually rhymes

--------------------------------



Rhyme

Rhyme

Rhyme...

I'm a

Sublime

Mime...

Mime with a

Lime.

Time

to Climb.



melvan & eener (wutg)



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed

in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in

regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

Thewriters      M       M       arestoopid

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #33?

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Okay guys...this week we don't remember which issue this is, so if you can

tell us...YOU WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!!!!  Just kidding.  We can't afford

that kind of prize money.  This is a free zine, remember?



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



Last week on ATTB, we don't know what happened because we don't have last

week's issue anywhere near the computer we happen to be writing this issue

on...something having to do with Al's Presidential campaign...  So, I'm

sure you'll understand if this week's episode doesn't quite follow what

happened last week...not like it would have anyway...



FLASHBACK TO 1965...ALL THE CHARACTERS ARE BABIES OR TODDLERS...



Raul:  Do any of you know what's going on?

Buffy:  looks around Um....nope!!

Al:  WAAAAAAH!!!!!!

Howard:  You all are poopy heads!!!

I.M.:  (whining) I am not!!!

Howard:  Are too!

I.M.:  Am not!!!

Howard:  Are too are too are TOO!!!

I.M.:  Am not am not am NOT!!!!

Al:  throws a stuffed pig at Howard   You're stupid!

Howard: grabs the pig and tears its head off  Wow!  Everyone look at

this...there's money inside this pig!

Esmerelda:  That's not money...

Al:  I kin use this money for when I become president, when I'm a

grown-up!



FLASHFORWARD TO 1996...ALL THE CHARACTERS ARE BABIES OR TODDLERS...



Howard:  Hey you **%&$&$& people...let's get moving on this campaign work!

Al:  What, is it time for the bus tour already?  Yippee!!!! singing We

get to go for a ride, we get to go for a ride...

Buffy: slaps Al with her purse  Grow up, Al...we've already got a

lunatic for a President.



Join us next week, when we actually figure out what happens...or not....



AND NOW...ELEPHANT ICONS!!!



:?)     Basic elephant

      Elephant without a trunk

        Elephant without a Face

!;?)    winking French elephant, wearing a beanie

:?))    Elephant with a double chin

:?P     Elephant sticking his tongue out

:o)     Elephant that morphed into a human after falling into a vat of

        chemicals

:?)>>>  Elephant with a goatee

@@@     This is not an elephant icon.

(?:     Backwards elephant

  )     The Cheshire Elephant





************************************

The Section Where Other People Write

************************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com



Okey dokey...remember us writing those lists of how to know if you've been

on irc too long?  We got another one sent to us by mookie!  Here it is:

"Hey i think another way to tell you've been on IRC too long is 'you start

to smile side ways'"



------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



Our news for this week:  qwertyuiop.



----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



A poem...I think

----------------



Barney

sucks

canal

water.



melvan (thanx to Darin!)



Sing to the tune of "Blue Danube"

---------------------------------



I have a cold

Sniff sniff

sniff sniff

I have a cold

sniff sniff

snort snort

I have a cold

snort snort

honk honk

I have a cold

sneeze sneeze

wheeze wheeze

I have a cold

cough cough

snort snort

I have a cold

ACHOOOOOOO!!

'Scuse me...



melvan & eener (wutg)



Something eener wrote the other night...

----------------------------------------



There are three tractors sitting in a field

One explodes...

There are two left.

There are two tractors sitting in a field

One explodes...

There is one left.

One tractor,

alone in a cruel world

It becomes depressed and seeks counseling.



eener (with help from melvan's memory) (wutg)



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed

in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in

regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

eenerisan       M       M       mk3goddess

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

melvan          M  M M  M       is an              Issue #32

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       irc addict

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



To kick off this, our thirty-second issue, I (eener), thought I'd tell you

all what is located on a shelf in melvan's room.  This is no ordinary

collection of junk...one of the things is an Energizer bunny flashlight.

Ok, that's not too weird, you may say.  But this flashlight is nestled

up next to a large ceramic pink piggy bank.  AND the piggy bank has duct

tape stuck to its stomach.  Ok...and over on the other side of the shelf,

there is a roll of duct tape, sitting there like a trophy of some kind.

(And get this:  I saw her put her Dr. Pepper in the hole in the duct tape

roll...yeah...)  Behind the duct tape is a box of Animaniacs Macaroni and

Cheese.  She doesn't plan to eat this mac n cheese, mind you!!! I think

she plans to keep it just in case it becomes a collector's item, or

something.  Next to the mac n cheese is a stuffed Wakko doll. (Wakko is

one of the Animaniacs.)  And get this:  she has two miniature tractors up

there...  signifying this lovely E-zine, of course.  (I, too have a small

tractor at home, which melvan gave me as a kewlio gift....)  To top off

this lovely ensemble, melvan has a miniature pool table on her shelf,

which I so ceremoniously gave her as a gift once. Well, that basically

covers it...



Rebuttal by melvan:  Oh yeah?  Well...well...eener eats salt & vinegar

potato chips!!!!  AND...um...uh...er...hmmm...nevermind.



Reply by eener:  Is that it?  70 cents!  (note to folks:  don't even try

to get this one.  It's a joke between me and mel from wayyyyyyyy back!)



Next from melvan again:  Hmmm...that window looks like there's another

room over there...Oh...and...PLLBBP!  (more inside jokes)



Special note to Darin in GA:  Welllll...paint the doghouse black!!!!!



Note to all you kewl subscribers from eener and melvan:  We love all you

WaCky subscribers...keep on laughing!!



"It's like 3 women cooking in the dark..." --actual quote from eener's

brother



note from eener:  Geeeeee mel, do ya think the intro's long enough yet?





note from melvan:  Nope, add a couple more pages to it....



YET another note from eener:  There's one more thing I have to say one

certain Matt Prins......Yaaaa...JUST KIDDING!!!



AN IOWA JOKE A WEEK...ALL SUMMER...



This one was contributed to us by mookie:



Iowa:  Idiots Out Walking Around



eener notes: I've heard that one before!! Heh heh heh



Okay!!!!  Okayyyyyy...on with the 'zine, ferpete'ssake!!



...And now for something completely different........

(Yup...Monty Python all de way)



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



When we last saw our ATTB characters, they were putting Al to bed because

he was saying...uh...weird things.  Note to the new and/or clueless:  Al

Rightithen is running for President of the United States.



Al (waking up):  Ah...(y*wns)...that was a good nap!  I should take them

more often.

(Bill Clinton appears in a poof of green smoke)

Bill:  Heyyyy...what's going on?  looks sadly at his empty hands  Where

did my Big Mac go?

Buffy:  Uh...I think you're on the wrong stage, pal.

Bill:  I feel your pain...

Esmerelda:  Ack!  Get out of here!!!!!

(Bill Clinton disappears in a poof of striped smoke)

Howard:  slightly bug-eyed  Wowwwwww...the special effects just keep

getting cooler and cooler!  Either the special effects budget has been

increased, or the editors are in a good mood.

Buffy:  with a thoughtful expression on her face  They must have been

drinking Dr. Pepper...just what the doctor ordered.

Howard:  What, aren't you going to attribute this to the metric system?

Buffy:  Uh, not this time.

Raul:  Whew!  I'm glad Bill disappeared quickly!  We wouldn't want him to

pick up on any of our campaign secrets!

I.M.:  Yeah, whatever.

Al:  Who cares?  I'm going to win!  The polls don't lie!  I'm right at the

top!  When I get to the White House, I'm gonna have a party!

Raul:  Uh, Al...that's what every President does when they win...



Join us next time when the characters may or may not eat Spam.



**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up

  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!

  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions



Da Wise Sage has questions, but due to some circumstances (namely, the

computer lab at the university being closed), the questions will be

printed in next week's issue....



************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com



Hmmm....how come nobody's sending stuff?  Surely somebody must have

something of importance to say....



------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



Are you having a hard time trying to think of a birthday gift for that

special someone?  Or, is there just someone you'd like to give a gift to

for no particular reason?  Or do you just want to annoy the heck out of

someone?  Buy them a gift subscription to FME!  They'll thank you for the

rest of their lives...er, we hope!  And best of all...it's free!  If there

is someone you want to subscribe to this illustrious publication, send us

their email address, and we the FME editors will do the rest!





----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



Da Family Bizness

-----------------



I've worked there for

two

long

years...

and now...

my brother

just got a job

doing the same thing...

in a different Pizza Hut...

in a totally different town.......

This poem looks sculptured somehow.....

Bye.



melvan





Yet another identity crisis

---------------------------



Someone told me

I was a pez dispenser

because

I had a pony-tail

Yankyankyank



eener



------



melvan:  Okay...iz we done with this issue?

eener:  Before we end this, I want to say "Live long and prosper...and use

lots of duct tape."



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed

in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in

regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

The young       M       M       pine tree

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #31

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       quivers...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Welcome to an ABBREVIATED issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding).  In this

issue:



1.  An Announcement

2.  As the Tractor Burns

3.  The Wise Sage

4.  A letter explaining the legal rights of one Mr. Matthew Prins

5.  100 ways to turn your foot into a gun



But first, melvan has something to say:  I purposely misspelled

"macheenery" in last week's issue's subject line, and NO ONE (except

eener) noticed it!!!  I am hurt.  I am going to go pout in a corner.

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms....



AN ANNOUNCEMENT:  We would like to offer a CONGRADUATIONS (and yes, we

misspelled it on purpose) to all of you who are graduating from high

school, college, and kindergarten this month.  Good luck in whatever you

pursue, and don't forget, it was FME that got you this far!  Just kidding.



And now for a commentary by eener on exploding farm macheens...



I recently went on a date with someone to see the movie "Twister."  I

enjoyed all the eye-popping special effects (though they don't even come

close to the special effects we employ in As The Tractor Burns...)  As I

was observing this movie, there was a particular part where a tornado hits

a field that has several tractors in it.  The twister picks up the

tractors and deposits them on the road where they CraSh to the ground.

I leaned over to Ryan (the guy I was with...the air hockey god...hehe) and

say, "Pssst, Ryan...exploding farm macheenery!!!!"  I think you all should

see the movie, just to see that...and the flying cows, of course.



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



We hate to disappoint all you hardcore ATTB fans, but due to many things,

ATTB is not here this week.  Sorry for any inconvenience...





**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up

  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!

  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions



Dear Wise Sage,



When peeling a banana, is the banana supposed to split into three or four

seperate peel sections.  I seem to alternate between the two and it

confuses me.



Sincerely,

Curious George



Dear Curious George,



The number of the counting shall be three.  No more, no less.  Two shall

you not count, unless you then proceed to three.  Four shalt thou not

count.  And five is right out!



Wise Sage



************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com



Yet another complaint on behalf of a certain M. D. Prins...



To Miss Elrod and Miss Hoffmeyer:



I have recently been informed of your unqualified, absurd overuse of the

word "yawn" in recent issues of your magazine, Farm Macheenery [sic]

(Exploding), in an attempt to try to disrupt the peaceful, tranquil life

of one Matthew D. Prins.  This disruption of Mr. Prins's life falls under

the statue of the new stalking law (HR19.1-470) recently passed by the

Republican congress and signed in to effect by President Bill Clinton.

The local authorities in your area have been contacted of this obtuse

violation of Mr. Prins's rights and will therefore be monitoring your use

of the word "yawn" in e-mail, IRC, and other electronic transmissions for

the next 90 days, to insure that a violation of Mr. Prins's rights in this

way does not occur again.  If you are caught breaking this probation, your

privilege of using the word "yawn" or any group of letters similar to the

word "yawn" will be taken away for up to ten years.  I have included a

copy of the law in question for your convenience.



Thank you for you cooperation in this matter.



Janet Reno

Attorney General of the United States of America



EDITORS' NOTE:  All right, we can take a hint...we promise not to y*wn at

this Mr. Prins anymore....  Since he's soon going home to Iowa for the

summer (or maybe he's already there?), we'll just start in on our vast

collection of IOWA JOKES!!!!!



Q.  Why don't Iowans drink Kool-Aid?

A.  Because they can't figure out how to get all that water into the

little packet.



If you know any other good ones, let us know.



Here's a piece that we found quite humorous...



Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation.  After a while one of

them said, "You think you have family problems?  Listen to my situation.

A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got

married.  Later, my father married my stepdaughter.  That made my

stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.  Also my wife

became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.  Then the daughter of my wife,

my stepmother had a son.  This boy was my half brother because he was my

father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him

my wife's grandson.  That made me grandfather of my half-brother.  This

was nothing until my wife and I had a son.



Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is also the grandmother.  This

makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my

father's wife.  I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own

child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and

you think you have family problems."



from: Chicken?





----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



Procrastination

---------------



I'm delaying

writing a paper

that's already

3 days late...

I'm meaning to

pay that parking ticket

that's several weeks

overdue!

And someday I'll do

my laundry

that's piled 3 feet high

And perhaps I'll finish

this poem

tomorrow...



eener











The meaning of "Kapoot!"

------------------------



living on one hour of sleep...

getting run over by a jeep

Having your house crushed by a tree...

Getting stung by a golldurned bee



Falling into the Grand canyon...



Running out of Dr. Pepper...



Being duct-taped to a cactus....



...and liking it.



eener



Goodbye.



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed

in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in

regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

Yaaawwwwn       M       M       Hahaha!!

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #30

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--DP's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Yikes!  It's Issue #30!  You know what that means, don't you?  That's

right...FME is getting old.  It ain't a youngun' anymore.  FME online is 7

months old.  If FME was a human being, it would be crawling by now...if it

was a cat or a dog or a rabbit, it would be old enough to have its own

little FMEs.  But it's just a stoooopid internet magazine, so it doesn't

have to do anything of that sort.  All it has to do is sit on your hard

drive and gather dust.



BEGIN LOYAL FAN RECOGNITION TYPE ARTICLE



OK, this is a new section.  It will only appear when absolutely necessary.

And we will try not to get mushy over this type of stuff.



We would like to offer a special thank you, congratulations, good luck,

and all that to a certain Dorothy Elrod...who just happens to be eener's

mom.  She got a new job about 100 miles from here and is moving there with

eener's brother & sister very soon.  She has been a very loyal fan of FME

right from the beginning.  She prints out a copy of each issue and keeps

them in a file cabinet.  She hasn't thrown us into the looney bin yet,

even though we're sure she's had several opportunities to do so.  Thanks

for being a loyal fan...we hope you have email at your new job 



END LOYAL FAN RECOGNITION TYPE ARTICLE



And now...eener would like to tell you all a little story!  It's called

"The story of the cuticle boy"



A couple of weeks ago, I was at church with a date (Darin from GA)  and a

good pal of mine (melvan, to be more precise.)  The speaker was a

misisonary from Africa, so he was a bit hard to understand.  We three

were sitting there, listening, when Darin leaned over to me and said

"Psst...look at that boy over there!"  I looked over at the young boy

sitting to the right of us, on the other side of Darin. (melvan was

sitting to my left-- isn't that a vital tidbit of information??)  The

boy was holding his dad's hand, pushing back his cuticles with his

fingers!!  He was pushing, pushing, pushing on his dad's cuticles with

intensity.  As for his dad...well he was snoozing!!  When I saw this, it

was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud.  I was sitting there

shaking with silent laughter.  I hadn't laughed so hard in church since

melvan and I used to sit together and write notes back and forth and get

in trouble with our parents.  (this was when we were younger-- last

year...just kidding...it was quite awhile ago)  This little boy then

reached over for his mom's hand, and was inspecting her watch and such.

Well...I just thought I'd share that with you all.  End of

story....well...not exactly...Darin commented after that he'd like the boy

to do his cuticles, and his toes, while he was at it! Hehe...have a good

day y'all!  Note from melvan:  I didn't have a clue what those two were

laughing about...I was actually laughing because eener was laughing so

hard...it's kinda contagious...like a YAAAAAAWWWWWWNNNN!!! (So there, Mr.

Prins...again!!!!! hehehehehehehehehe)  Oh...and this boy's dad....he's

running for representative or something this fall....



####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



Last time on ATTB, we discovered that Al is running for president!

Well...that basically covers it!



Scene:  the campaign office



Reporter:  Al, exactly how do you plan to raise money for the National

Society of Barn Door Builders if you take the taxes off Spam?

Al:  Uh....I didn't inhale?

Reporter:  What?

Al:  Uh....I feel your pain?

Reporter:  What the heck are you talking about?

Raul:  Al is a bit...er, confused...

Al:  Uh....Read my lips...No new taxes!!!

Buffy:  Oh boy...

Esmerelda:  Sheesh...Al will never get elected this way!!

I.M.:  Sure he will...I'm his runningmate!!

Esmerelda:  You are what, I.M.??  I didn't know he had selected a

runningmate yet!!!

Al:  Uh....Speak softly and carry a big stick?

Buffy:  Ahem...I think Al needs a nap.

Al:  Uhhh....Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can

do for your country!

Buffy:  raises her left eyebrow

Al:  gesturing wildly  I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!!

Raul:  Come on Al...You're in a presidential time warp...

Al:  Fourscore and seven years ago--

(Raul duct tapes Al's mouth shut)

Al:  Mmmmmph!

Reporter:  Ooh...This will look GREAT on the front page!!!  I can see the

headline:  "Presidential candidate Rightithen duct taped by campaign

staff!"

Buffy:  glaring at the reporter Get out of here before I call the men in

white coats!!

(Raul drags Al out of the room, intending to force him to take a nap)

Al:  Mmmmmph!!  rips duct tape off mouth  Okay, okay...I'll take a nap!

(Buffy tries in vain to lower her left eyebrow, but it's stuck there)

Buffy:  Oh no...my mother warned me this would happen...



Join us next time when Al wakes up from his nap.



**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up

  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!

  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions



Dear Wise Sage,



Is it true that girls are impressed by guys who can yo-yo?



Sincerely,

The illegitimate son of Tommy Smothers.



P.S. I would have used the word "illegitimate", but I don't know how to

spell it.



Dear T.I.S.O.T.S.,



In most cases, a girl wouldn't be too impressed by a guy's yo-yoing

abilities.  However, if a guy had a ferret that could do Ross Perot

impressions-- I'd venture to say that most girls would be impressed by

that.



Wise Sage



Dear Wise Sage,



You know that word... what's that word... it starts with an A...  Like

your taste in something...



Agnostic... no...

Athletic... no...



Can you figure out what word it is?



...the Grammatically Contorted



Dear Grammatically Contorted,



That is actually one of the lesser-known definitions of the word

"antidisestablishmentarianism."



Wise Sage



+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or

  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com



------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------



eener:  Hmmmm.....lemme think...do we have any urgent news for this week,

melvan??

melvan:  Umm....I don't think so...lemme think..........

eener:  Naw, don't bother to think.  Why don't you "tink" instead! It is

easier!

melvan:  Eh?

eener:  TINK!!!!!  Aw...nevermind.



----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



Mental Hygiene

By eener & melvan

May 5, 1996



Today I bought some mental floss

And stuck it in my ear

It came right out the other side

And now I cannot hear

I then got in my little car

And tried my best to steer

To my chagrin into the road

There ran a stoopid deer!

I swerved and swerved and missed him but

I stripped the steenking gears

I swerved again, and Boom-de-boom!

I knocked a mailbox clear

Into Iowa, where all the corn

Blew into a pier

The farmer wipes away a tear

Sips a beer

And jumps off the pier

The end is near

The end is here

Do not fear

Sit on your rear

And turn that bug

Into a smear.





:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed

in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in

regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).





























Um...why are you reading waaay down here?  There's nothing down here, you

know.



































I told you...there is NOTHING of importance down here!!! Didn't you

believe me???

















































































sigh  You just must not believe me, huh??





































Okay...I lied...look down further...there is something of importance...



























































something of importance













































Have a nice day.

































yawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawn

yawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawn

















































Byebye.