^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. email@example.com .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. firstname.lastname@example.org ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #75 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
Hello, and welcome to the seventy-fifth issue of Farm Macheenery
(exploding) Magazine. This issue marks absolutely nothing except
1. It's July 13.
2. There's a thunderstorm in Wisconsin.
3. There was one yesterday too.
4. The number 75 coincides with the last two digits of eener's birth
year, which of course is NOT as good as 76, melvan's birth year
--- little things to be happy about ---
Last week I went to Fleet Farm. For those of you who have never heard of
it, Fleet Farm is a store. Right. It's a store that specializes in farm,
auto, and household stuff. ("stuff", hmm, my English teachers would be SO
proud of me...) My mom asked me to buy some eyeglass cleaner while I was
there. I looked in the aisle she specified three or four times, and they
didn't have it. Anyway. I went on to the auto parts section and bought a
funnel. Yes, a funnel. Funnels are nice things, you know. You can put
them in a hole in your car so that the fluid goes into the hole instead
of around it. The last time I poured transmission fluid in my car
(well, actually it's not MY car, but it probably will be soon) I spilled
half the bottle trying to get the stuff into the stupid hole. This time
was no problem. I put the funnel in the hole (after removing the nice
little caps on both ends to prevent spiderwebs and such getting inside the
funnel) and poured the contents of the transmission fluid container INTO
the hole, and didn't spill a drop.
And then I drove back to River Falls.
= OH SNOP!! =
life's little annoyances...by melvan
Saturday night I was at work again. I stayed later than usual because we
didn't have enough cooks. Anyway...this lady ordered some mild wings. So
we made them. When she got them, she thought they were hot wings. So we
put in another order of mild wings for her. When those came out of the
oven, she thought THOSE were too hot. So the manager put one hot wing and
one mild wing through the oven so the lady could see the difference. Then
when she looked at them, she said "My Pizza Hut never had anything like
this." One of our drivers (Tom) said he wanted to go out into the dining
room and just stare at the lady. Or pretend to be a mobster. The scary
part is that he'd be really good at the mobster role.
= As the Tractor Burns... =
Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy
Hmm...if I could remember what happened last time on ATTB, I'd write a
sequel. But since I can't, I won't.
Or maybe I'll just look up the last issue.
Or maybe I'm just too lazy to do that.
Or perhaps BANG thud
This episode of ATTB involves a paper clip, a Buick, and a pink flamingo
lawn ornament. Not in that order.
Last week, Raul, Al, and the Evil Taxi Driver disappeared in poofs of
gray, purple, and greenish bluish pinkish smoke, respectively. This week,
we'll find out where they've gone. And they have ended up in none other
Al: What the heck? We're in Iowa?
Raul: Apparently we are.
Taxi Driver: But didn't we click our heels three times and say "There's
no place like home?" Is Iowa really my home?
Raul: Home? Iowa? I never thought I'd use both of those words in the
(Al, Raul, and the Taxi Driver get into a Buick and drive away.)
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...I mean the crashed submarine...
Esmerelda: OK, now what do we do? Al and Raul and the Taxi Driver have
disappeared. Should we follow them?
Buffy: Nah, let's have a party instead.
I.M.: Yeah, what she said.
Howard: Yeah, what they said.
Barney: I love you, you love me...
Esmerelda: SHUT HIM UP!!!!!!
(Barney disappears in a poof of beigeish white smoke)
Buffy (chewing on a paper clip): I'm serious. Let's have a party.
Esmerelda: Why? We're missing two of our friends and a taxi
driver...come to think of it, are they really our friends? If they just
ditched us like that...
Buffy: Thanks, now you've gotten me depressed.
(Buffy starts sobbing uncontrollably)
I.M.: sniff They just left us?
Forrest Gump: Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates...you
never know what you're gonna get.
Howard: Oh...do I finally get a line again?
(Esmerelda beats Howard over the head with a pink flamingo lawn ornament)
So#m queen: Wymin rule and male-types drool!
Howard: Yeah, what she said.
Buffy: I'm going to legally change my name to Shoula.
And with that, we'll end ATTB forever.
We're kidding, of course. Or "of source."
= Editor's Reccomendations... =
Do not, I repeat, do NOT buy "Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs." Although
this is a very funny book, if you read it I can guarantee you'll walk away
from it with all the world's dumbest songs bouncing around your brain.
Seriously, I left this book in the middle to go get some ice cream. While
I was in the kitchen, the only thing going through my mind was "Feelings,
nothing more than feelings" over and over and AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!
= URGENT FME NEWS =
eener is going to be an old married lady in only a month and a half!
= Wise Sage =
** The Wise Sage never rests! Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it? Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to email@example.com
Dear Guru of Sage
Does the company that makes Zambonis have a monopoly?
Signed, question person
(**a generic name invented by us, cuz the person didn't sign their name)
Dear question person,
Monopoly comments: get both Boardwalk and Park Place....and be the
Dear wisest of Wise Sages,
What is invisible fencing???? Is it a fence you cannot see or is it a type
of fighting that could get very nasty??? Can you use spam to make/do
A not so wise questioner, Saturn
Invisible fencing is a marvelous product! You can get yours today if you
send 3 low, low easy payments of $39.95 to eener and melvan today! Just 3
easy payments!!! And if you act now, we'll throw in a tractor Christmas
tree ornament ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!! This marvelous product vaccuums your
carpet...organizes your finances...and cooks breakfast for you every
morning!! Don't miss out on this fabulous offer!! Buy some today!!
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
A poem from lucy1 (aka melvan's "little sis")
there once was a cat named face
who ran an incredible race
he went off the road
and killed mr toad
then folded his paws to say grace
Poems from wowness (aka Nina Garden)
and endless orange flurescent dots
Lost in a pile of unmatched socks.
Frying Chryslers serenade
through broken headphones
telling of the death of Phil Long.
We pause to throw a keyfob on his grave.
The polyethaline dot trees grow rapidly.
Funnies printed silly putty
Through polluted air
Into the faces
Of unsuspecting mmmboppers.
The Illogical Song
Parody of Supertramp's "The Logical Song"
Parody by Weird Alex (who's been away from school too long)
When I signed on, it seemed that chats were so wonderful, a miracle, oh
they were musical, magical
And all the nicks on the chan, well they'd be sinfing so happily,
joyfully, dizzily typing me
But then I went home to a world that's so sensible, logical, responsible,
And I work in a world that makes me so dependable, clinical,
There are times, when IRC's asleep,
The questions are too deep
For such a shallow man
Won't you please, please have me reassured,
No matter what I've heard,
There is a 'Net of Spam?
Now watch what you say, or they'll be calling you a radical, elliptical,
oh, quadratical squarical
Won't you write down your name, we'd like to think you're editable,
eraseable, oh grammatical-in-place-able!
At day, when IRC's asleep
The questions run too deep
For such a silly man
Won't you please, please have me reassured,
No matter what I've heard,
Spam tastes like Klik or Kam
Klik or Kam
Klik or Kam!
Klik or Kam!!!! (Spam whistle)
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
I'm so bored
I don't know what to write
I'm almost falling asleep
I've eaten two bowls of ice cream today
I'm listening to an 80's radio show
My fan makes awful noises when it's sitting on my desk
My printer sounds like it's falling apart
I haven't had a Dr Pepper in over a week
I'm totally bored with caffeine free beverages
They all taste the same
Especially since they're all 7-Up
The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at
This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
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