^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #76 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^

This is the last issue of FME. That is, the last issue before eener's
wedding. And just for the hick of it, and because of the fact that we
haven't had a survey for a while, we're going to put a survey in this
issue. Please send answers to melvan@wildstar.net or eener@juno.com

1. eener can't find a good lipstick. She's mentioned this before. So
she wants to hear from everyone on this list who uses lipstick...which
kind and color should she buy?

2. Who put the bomp in the bomp ba-bomp ba-bomp?

3. WHAT is your name?

4. WHAT is your quest?

5. WHAT is your favorite color?

6. Have you ever eaten a gfot?

7. Have you ever been eaten BY a gfot?

8. Where do the streets have no name?

9. Will you send us money?

10. Why not?

11. Do you have allergies?

12. Don't you hate them?

13. How many cats have you owned in your life?

14. Have you driven a B. E. L. lately?

15. Did it explode?

16. Why not?

17. Who shot JR?

18. In your own words, why is FME only coming to you once a month (or
less frequently) instead of each week?

19. Where HAVE all the cowboys gone?

20. Define the word "akoukahouma" (pronounced a-KOO-ka-HOO-ma)

Thus endeth the survey.

= OH SNOP!! =

life's little annoyances...

by eener

Here's a tidbit of advice to all you readers out there: Do NOT...I
repeat...Do NOT tumble dry a feather pillow. The clothes dryer here is
now full of feathers...ack!

Another OH SNOP!

by melvan

Yesterday morning I went shopping in Woodbury with my parents. Woodbury
is a city about 20 miles from where I live. They have just about
everything there, so I try to go there often. Anyway, when we came out of
Best Buy and were getting in the car, I opened my door and just barely
bumped the car next to us. Its car alarm started screaming.

Don't you just LOVE car alarms?

Yes, I really did only bump it, I was NOT trying to break into it.
Really. I was using the crowbar to...uhh...I was using it for an antenna!
Yeah, that's it.

= As the Tractor Burns... =


Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

Last time on ATTB, the Evil Taxi Driver, Raul, and Al ended up in Iowa.
Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is planning a party. But we've decided to
scrap that plot and transport them to somewhere else. The somewhere else
in question is, in fact, eener's wedding.

(The entire cast appears in a poof of borrowed bluish oldish newish smoke
in the back of the church)

Esmerelda: How'd we get here?
Al: Whoa...those special effects again...
(Al goes into a trance)
Howard: What's going on here?
Raul: Hmmmm...there's lots of people, they're all dressed up, and there's
flowers everywhere. This could only mean one thing...
Everyone: What?
Raul: My toupee is on backwards.
Buffy: Raul, your toupee is ALWAYS on backwards.
Usher: Quiet please! Follow me.
(The usher leads the gang to their seats)
I.M.: So what's really happening here?
Usher: It's a wedding.
Buffy: A wedding? Who's getting married?
Al: Haven't you been reading FME for the last few months?
Buffy: No.
Al: Well, if you had, you'd know who was getting married.
Buffy: Why should I read that stuff? It's so pointless.
Raul: gasp How dare you say that, Buffy! FME is full of relevant
information, you just have to dig a while to find it.
Esmerelda: SHHH!
(The organ starts to play "Here Comes the Bride")
I.M.: Hey look! It's eener!
Everyone: SHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I.M.: Oh, right. Sorry.
(The Evil Taxi Driver takes something out of his pocket)
Howard: (whispers) Hey, what's that?
Taxi Driver: It's a pie.
Howard: Oh. What are you going to do with it?
Taxi Driver: You'll see.
(Suddenly, the Evil Taxi Driver stands up and throws the pie toward the
front of the church. eener ducks just in time, and the pie hits the
Howard: Wow! Cool! I wanna try that!
(Howard takes a pie from his pocket and hurls it toward the front of the
Usher: Hey! Stop that!
Al: Whoa...you guys are just TOO cool.
(Al pushes a pie in the usher's face)
Usher: That's it! You want a pie war? Well, you've got a pie war!

(The usher takes several pies out of his pockets and throws them at
wedding guests, and a world class pie war breaks out. Ten minutes later,
the church is a mess of whipped cream, blueberry, apple, cherry,
chocolate, and gfots.)

Buffy: Wow...cool.

Join us next time, when a large elephant is dropped from an airplane onto
the entire cast of ATTB!

= Editor's Reccomendations... =

We reccomend that you send us stuff to put in the 'zine! Otherwise we
have to write it all, and you know what happens when we do that....


Next Saturday, August 30, is eener's wedding.

melvan is drinking hot chocolate and cooking fish at this very moment.

It's raining in Wisconsin.

= Wise Sage =

** The Wise Sage never rests! Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it? Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com

Dear the wisest of the wise sage,

What does Spam smell like? I have never come into contact with it and it
bothers me that I don't understand the obvious joke that surrounds it. By
the way, the wise Sage is the wisest sage I know!!!!!!!!!!

Another wise something,

Dear Saturn,

Spam smells like ham that has been bathing in pink slime for approximately 2

Doo Wah diddy diddy dum diddy do,
Wise Sage

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

I glued my finger
that was dumb
I glued my finger,
and now its numb.

thank you, thank you very much.

Next is a contribution from "George"

hi melvan. ive got some lunacy for ya. theyre some of my "specail"
jokes. my friends say they dont make sense, and i say thats what makes
them funny. so here are some goodies for ya:

so there were two ducks in a bathtub and one said to the other, "pass the
soap" and the other said, "what do you think i am?.... chocolate ice
cream?" ha ha ha! was that funny or what?!

here goes another one: whats the difference between orange juice and dog
bones? jackets have no sleeves!

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

Bubble Wrap




The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh

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