^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@win.bright.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. werner) .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #77 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^

ATTENTION! If you did not want this magazine, please email
melvan@win.bright.net. I lost the subscriber list, and the last backed up
copy of it that I have is six months old. If you've unsubscribed since
then, please tell me to delete your address again. If you know someone
who has subscribed recently, please tell them to subscribe again. I
apologize for any inconvenience.

*** Quote from Elkvis (brother of melvan): "Needing help is okay as long
as you never get it."

Before we get on with the 'zine, we have an announcement. FME is two
years old today, the 9th of October. And there was much rejoicing (yay).
And yes, this issue is about 4 days late, but so what? At least it's been

This is the third attempt at FME Issue #77. Why? The reason deserves a
column all its own.

= OH SNOP!! =

life's little annoyances...

by melvan

Once upon a time I bought a new hard drive from my brother. And I had so
much space, I didn't know what to do with all of it. So I decided that in
addition to Linux, I'd put a DOS partition on the drive. I asked my
brother if formatting a partition of one drive would affect the rest of
the drive and he said "It shouldn't." So I proceeded to format the
partition. Not only did it format that one partition, but the whole hard
drive...and the whole other hard drive. So I lost everything I had.

By the time I got all the stuff back that I'd lost, I decided to try it
again. This time, I was a little more careful and did only format the one
partition of the one drive. But when I rebooted the computer and switched
back to Linux, I discovered that it had corrupted a very important
directory, that is, the /home directory. This is where half of my stuff
is stored, i.e. issues of FME, the subscriber list, my mail, parodies,
pictures, wav files, web pages that I'd been working on, Beward (an irc
bot), and more stuff that I've forgotten because I lost it.

Not only am I having hard drive problems lately. Here's more...

My cdrom drive won't work. So I took my computer apart to see if I had
any loose connections, and I cut my finger taking out the cdrom controller
card. So I'm trying to type with a band aid on my left middle finger. So
if you see any extra Cs, Ds, Es, or 3s in this issue, please excuse them.
And when I put it back together and started it again, the cdrom drive
STILL doesn't work.

The new-old soundcard I just got isn't working yet.

I dropped a 3.5 pound can of green olives on my foot at work last night
and have a big bruise on it (the foot, not the can). Later that evening
my manager told me I could leave after I'd put some stuff away. Ten
minutes later, just as I'm getting it finished up, he comes to tell me
"You're gonna have to stay for a while, there's a bus of 50 people coming

My "new" car has a leaky tire. And a radio that needs to be replaced.
That's right, I finally bought a car. For those of you who care, it's a
black 4-door 1980 Chrysler LeBaron with reddish maroonish interior. And
as soon as my license plates arrive in the mail, I can drive anywhere I

Only days after my mom put plastic in the air conditioner to insulate it
for winter, guess what happened? We got a heat wave and broke a 100 year
old high temperature record.

And that's all I have to say about that.

= What Happened at eener's Wedding +

Actually, a funny thing happened this week. After I (melvan) had already
written my version of what happened at the wedding, I received in an email
from eener her version of the same thing. So here we have two points of
view of Renee's wedding.

--- eener's version ---

Yes...I am now an old, married lady! :-) And loving every minute of it!
You can call me eener Werner. The wedding was great! Wish you all could
have been there. For those of you who didn't know, melvan was my maid of
honor. She looked just be-yoot-iful in the pink bridesmaid dress with
roses on it! [melvan notes: How dare you say such a thing about me!]
Here's a much abridged version of the wedding....

The day before the wedding....Yiiiiiiiiii! Freak out time! There were
several people from the wedding party who were flying in on the standby
passes that Darin (my hubby) and I get for working for Delta. In fact,
the preacher and the best man were a couple of those people! Yikes! To
make a long story short, the preacher got there late the night before
the wedding, and the best man got in about an HOUR before the wedding.
(or somewhere near that) Darin's sister and brother in law also flew in
on a pass, and by the time they got there they said we oughtta pay 'em for
coming! (they did get there in time for the wedding, luckily! Heh
heh...) I think we were possessed to have people flying in standby on
labor day weekend. Aw well! Happily, everyone who was supposed to get
there, got there! Hooray! (And there was much rejoicing) Oh! One more
note...the rehearsal was interesting, without the pastor...and without the
best man! Hahaha! We had Darin's dad be the preacher's stand-in...and my
cousin's boyfriend was the best man....whew! What a night!! (har!)

The day of the wedding went VERY fast! For any of you who've gotten
married, I think you'll agree with me here...it goes super fast. Friends
and relatives everywhere...and trying to talk to 'em all! It sure was
good to see everyone. Another special thing was that my grandparents sang
a song at my wedding! It was a very happy day! I married a very
wonderful man- caring,considerate, loving (*insert romantic violin music
here*)..and he's just as wacky as me! I told him I never would have
married him if he had been sane! (oh-and he's cute too! *wink*)

We went to Stuttgart, Germany for our honeymoon...very beautiful! Parks,
fountains, castles....very romantic!! The only things that we didn't like
about Stuttgart: Coke costs an arm and a leg over there! No...not coke
the drug, silly! Coke the beverage! (har har...) Also, in some places,
you have to pay to use public toilets! Phooey. Other than that, we
loved Germany! There was one experience that I should write up for the
"Oh snop" column though...naw, I'll tell you about it right now. (aren't
you excited?) We took a train all the way to Fussen, Germany to see a
beautiful castle. We got there in plenty of time before the castle tours
closed. However, by the time we figured out where to go to get to the top
of the mountain to see the castle, it was too late! And we rode on a
train for hours! Eeeek! Nevertheless, we made the best of it. We walked
up the mountain, on the road, and saw the outside of the castle. It was
beautiful...and we took lots of photos and video! Well, I could ramble on
some more, but let's get on with the rest of the 'zine!!

--- melvan's version ---

This is actually the third time I've had to write this (or maybe the
fourth? Whatever.) But anyway, I'm sure you'll all want to hear about

The wedding was Saturday, August 30 at 1 pm. I arrived at the church
Friday afternoon at about 4:30 to help decorate for the reception. Darin
was just leaving to pick Renee up from the motel, and he told me the

The best man was stuck in Dallas.
The pastor was stuck in Cincinatti.
Darin's sister & her husband were stuck in Cincinatti.
Darin's tuxedo hadn't arrived yet.

The rehearsal was to begin at 6 pm. We actually did have the rehearsal.
Darin's dad stood in as the pastor, and Renee's cousin Erin's boyfriend
stood in as the best man.

The pastor (Dave Hart, a FME subscriber) and Darin's sister arrived later
that night.

The best man arrived fifteen minutes before the ceremony started.

During the ceremony, Darin and Renee were supposed to light a unity
candle. So they took the matches and lit two separate candles, then they
attempted lighting the unity candle. But the candle had other plans. It
did not want to light. The base of Darin's candle fell of and made a nice
THUD on the floor. Finally after much trying, Darin turned around and
said "I hope we unify a little better than our candle." A few minutes
later, when Renee's grandparents were singing, Renee and Darin were facing
the audience and acting silly. And I heard Darin say "I'm glad they wired
me for the video, they're gonna LOVE this."

At the reception, Todd (the best man) stood up and gave a toast. He
finished it up with "Long life, long love, many children" to which Darin
responded "Can we talk about that last one?"

Renee threw the bouquet, and Amber (also a FME subscriber) caught it.
Later Darin said that when he tossed the garter, the only single guy he
could find was Amber's boyfriend....

After everything in the church was cleaned up, Darin told me "You haven't
lost your best friend, you've gained a pain in the butt."

And then when we all finally left the building, we spotted the rental car.
Renee's sister made a "Just Married" sign, and her brother blew up some
latex gloves and taped them to the back of the car. When they left the
parking lot, it looked like the gloves were waving.

And there was much rejoicing.


I (melvan) looked at a box in the freezer at work the other day, and read
"Grilled Cooked Dead Chicken." I thought that was kinda redundant, and
then I looked again, and it said "Grilled Cooked DICED Chicken." Silly

Then tonight (Friday), I looked at the name on an order I was making and
it said "Melissa." Hmm...so I'm ordering pizzas behind my own back now?
What the hick? And since when do I like mushrooms and black olives
anyway? I'll have to have a nice long chat with myself about this....

Oh...this column is for news, isn't it? Well, here's news...melvan's new
address is melvan@win.bright.net

= Wise Sage =

** The Wise Sage never rests! Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it? Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com

The Wise Sage has recently had a lobotomy...we appreciate your patience
while she grows a new brain....

This wasn't a Wise Sage question, but it was asked, so it deserves an
answer. Sean asked what the initials in our names stood for.

Renee Fred Werner
Melissa Cletus Hoffmeyer

Wait, that doesn't look right...

Renee Farley Werner
Melissa Caesar Hoffmeyer

Hmm, still not quite right...

Renee Faith Werner
Melissa Carrie Hoffmeyer

There...that's better.

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

Many many many thanks to Weird Alex, who sent me the following parody
three times after I'd lost it....

Cyber Geek
A parody of Jesus Freak by dcTalk
Parody Lyrics by Weird Alex

Separated, I cut myself free
From the network that lags me when I download big things
Been understanding this new IRC force
And a setup that replaced all the servers of course!

Saw a man there next to me with a big fat belly
It wiggled around like marmalade jelly
It took me a while to catch what he said
Cause I had to synchronize with the lag in my head
Download .wav's is what he raved
In a typical cyber-means
He hooked up to the net in the middle of the city
And he started having dreams...

What will people think when they hear that I'm a cybergeek?
What will people do when they find out it's true?
I don't really care if they label me a cyber geek
There ain't no disguising the truth

Kamikaze... it split again
So now I have to start downloading again
The athletic-minded see me as weak
Cuz I'd much rather be just a dull cyber geek, yeah

There was a man from the desert with spam in his head
He connected himself to the Net from his bed
The chats that he made made people assume
There wasn't much firing in the upper room
With crumbs on his shirt and crumbs on his face
He was a disgrace by the way that he ate
And everybody tripped when they heard him speak
Cuz then they too wanted to be cyber geeks

People say I'm strange, does this just make me stranger
That I surf the web like a lone ranger
(repeat bridge)
(modem solo)
(chorus out)
What will people think?
What will people do?
I don't really care
What else can I say?
Hacking is the way....

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

I wrote this poem twice already, and this is the last time I'm going to
write it.

Car Ownership

Hello, rearview mirror I never again have to adjust...
Hello, driver's seat I never again have to move forward...
Hello, armrest I never again have to raise...
Hello, car I can drive anywhere and anytime I want...
Goodbye, money...



The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Werner and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh

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