Farm Macheenery (exploding) - 7

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. issue #69 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^



Uff da...it's been a while since we sent FME...

(for those of you not from the midwest, that's pronounced "oof duh")



But anyway, it is now officially spring in Wisconsin.  I (melvan) have

seen robins with my own four eyes.  The snow is melting and making our

driveway a mud pit.  You can actually go outside with just jeans and a

T-shirt at times.  Hornets are coming out of somewhere in my bedroom, and

I can't figure out where, so I have to swat one once in a while and flush

it down the toilet.  You can roll the windows down in your car and not

freeze to death.  Heck, you can roll the driver's side window down on my

car and actually be able to roll it up again!  The car doors don't freeze

anymore.  You don't have to wear gloves when you go outside.  You do,

however, have to wade through mud to get from the house to the car.  The

grass over the septic drain field is turning green again.  It's only a

matter of time before they start planting stuff in the field across the

road from my house.  They're beginning road construction on Heggen Street

in Hudson, so the delivery drivers at work have to go waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

around just to get downtown.



And I'm rambling.



=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= As the Tractor Burns... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



STARRING:



Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew

Roseanne - as Esmerelda

O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty

Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern

Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen

Princess Di - as Buffy



This week on ATTB, the cast is vacationing in Alabama.  And they have all

decided to add something to their names.  Thanks to Mugsy (aka Margaret

Vitalis) for the suggestion!



Raul Bob:  It's so warm here.

Al Bob:  Yeah.

Howard Bob:  Why is it warm here?

Buffy Mae:  Because it's Alabama, you idiot!

Howard Bob:  Oh.

Esmerelda Mae:  Hey, is there a taxidermy & cheese shop around here

somewhere?

I.M. Bob:  I thought those things were only in Wisconsin.

LifeBot Bob:  GO PACKERS!

Buffy Mae:  Lifey, shut up.

LifeBot Bob:  Buffy Mae, Over my dead body.

Esmerelda Mae:  That could be arranged...

Raul Bob:  Hey y'all.

Al Bob:  What?

Raul Bob:  Nuthin'.  I just like sayin' "Hey y'all."

Buffy Mae:  Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaawwww!!!!

I.M. Bob:  Hey, who stole my grits?

Al Bob:  burp What grits?



Don't join us next time, because nothing at all will happen.



=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  URGENT FME NEWS  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



You may have noticed that FME comes out less often lately.  That's because

we are slackers.



MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE...



It seems we have misplaced issue #26.  This was written almost a year ago.

The Issue #26 at the Macheen Shed is incomplete, as it is missing the

DPIACTT.  If you still have it sitting around in your mailbox, would you

please send it to melvan@wildstar.net.  Thank you!



=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send

any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

melvan@wildstar.net



The following two items come from WallPhone...



Ok my first poem, I thought of something humerous but it turned out kinda

pretty... I better try Spam next time.



Where the Chia pet(tm) Grows Green



The Chia Pet(tm)

Stands on my window

I fill it with water

It drinks.

I dont know what it thinks.

It grows slowly

It grows slower than on the commercials

I dont see it grow, alas, it happens.

I think it is a lamb

It said so on the box.

I dont know its gender

I dont know its pedigree

Still, my lamb grows for me.

The Chia Pet(tm)









Sardines

--------



(chourus)

Saa-rd-eens sardines for me

Saa-rd-eens sardines for free

(repeat chorus)



Sardines come in a can

They were crammed in there bay a man

In a factory down town



If I could have my little way

I would eat the fisheis every day

On a pizza, cracker or just plain!

The whole oceans bounty in a 3 ounce caAAnnn

(repeat chourus untill you run out of time or till it turns annoying)





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY STRANGE...



A short time ago (a year), melvan and eener wrote some poetry.  melvan

recently found these antiques in her computer desk drawer when she was

looking for a Monty Python & the Holy Grail script, and she decided they

were worthy of publication.  So, uh, here they are.  One has already been

published and got us in serious legal trouble with one Matthew Dale Prins.



Hmmm...

-------



I traded my

nose

for a new

model

and now I

smell like a

stranger.



eener



Hmmm... II

----------



I comment on artwork

I watch

as they dissolve into laughter...

distorted pictures of

Kelly the babysitter --

with four rows of teeth.



eener







Contagious Yawn

---------------



Yawn

Yawwn

Yawwwwn!

Yawwwwwwnnnn!



eener





Kangaroo Spew

-------------



Would it be orange?

blue?

green?

With chunks?

Methinks I need sleep.



eener



Nonsense Syllables

------------------



Winkle

Wankle

Tribble

Trabble

Oonker

Boonker

Exploding

Parakeet.



eener



Useless Trivia

--------------



And on the

left

we see

the

Statue of

Liberty.

Don't stand

on the

pig.



melvan



BGT Revisited

-------------



The sun rises

on the distant horizon...

the birds fly

in the blue, blue sky...

You come to my mind,

as you wave your mutilated

Michael Jackson tape...



eener



Untitled #532

-------------



I wrote

with ink

until

Spam juice

came out of my pen.

I gave you a gift.

The gift of

an electrical outlet.

This is pointless.

There is an earplug

in my belly button

Do you think I am high?

I am not.

I am snot.

I am Flem, the great Emperor.

beep

beep

bwaaaap!

OK

I'll shuddup now.

bang

thud



eener



----



The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa

Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and

whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the

right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),

regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh

bananas.

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. issue #68 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^



Little things to be happy about...



 Unbreakable pet food dishes.  Especially if you have outdoor animals and

live in a cold place like Wisconsin.  The water freezes in the dish, you

throw the dish on the cement, the ice pops out.  Yee-haw.



 Keys.  They lock & unlock your doors so you can keep people in or keep

people out.



 Duct Tape.  What's to say about duct tape that you don't already know?

Heck, if you have duct tape, what more do you need?



 Being home alone.  This means you can do cartwheels in the kitchen and

not have anyone look at you like you're from another planet.



 When the power goes out at work.  Because when this happens, you just

stand around for 25 minutes until someone tells you to go home.





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= As the Tractor Burns... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



STARRING:



Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew

Roseanne - as Esmerelda

O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty

Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern

Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen

Princess Di - as Buffy



ATTB will return next week (or whenever it is that we send another issue

out).





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



We reccomend that you do absolutely nothing.  That's right.  Ignore

everything & everyone and just read back issues of FME.













=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  Wise Sage  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise

Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,

now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com



Dear Sarge



Why do they put 12 buns in a bag but only 8 hotdogs in a package?



WallPhone



Dear WallPhone,



Atten HUT!!  Okayyy...march it, folks!!! Left, right...left,

right...left, right...



Wise Sage



Dear Soccer Sage



Why, in soccer, you cant use your hands?



WallPhone



Dear WallPhone,



It is a little known fact that soccer was developed by aliens with no

hands.  Back in the  15th century, the world was invaded by a troop of

UFOs filled with alien sports fanatics from outerspace.   These aliens

introduced the world to the sport of soccer, which is still played by

humans today.  Following the tradition of these aliens, we cannot use

our hands!



Wise Sage



Dear Sage



What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of steel?



WallPhone



Dear WallPhone,



A ton of feathers.  Why?  Because the chickens had heavy hearts when they

lost their feathers.



Wise Sage



Dear Wise Sage,



ok. why is it that you can hurt your feelings but not your thoughts?



the girl stuck in the wardrobe





Dear girl stuck in the wardrobe,



Thoughts can't get hurt because they don't have feelings.  If feelings

were thoughts, then they wouldn't get hurt.  Feelings, however are

feelings, just as thoughts are thoughts.  If thoughts had feelings, then

I'm sure they would get hurt at some point.



Wise Sage





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send

any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

melvan@wildstar.net



The following was brought to our attention by a reader who will remain

anonymous.



Just when you thought the Macarena was finally gone, what do they do?

Some one makes a screen-saver parody called the Macaroni.  I'm sure some

of you have seen it since it's been out for quite a while, but for those

who haven't, I'll give you the (short) lyrics:



  (to the tune of the Macarena, duh!)



  My name is Mary-Anna, I'm an elbow macaroni

  People say I'm better than a bowl of fried bologna.

  They all want me

  I'm so tasty

  So they boil, strain and eat me.



  Rigatoni, Fettuccine, Ziti or Spaghetti,

  Ravioli, Manicotti, Shells or Tortellini,

  Macaroni is the best when it's cooked aldente'.

  Hey, Macaroni!



OK, my apologies to those how are now violently ill from hearing or

reading or seeing this for the billionth time.  But if you just can't

get enough of this, try http://www.risoftsystems.com/macaroni.shtml





"Electricuted" parody of "Disappointed" by the Cranberries

(parody by Nina Garden, aka wowness)



Electricuted---

I shouldn't have done,

I shouldn't have done,

I shouldn't have stuck my finger in there.

I could have been normal,

But the socket I found,

The socket was round,

And so was my finger.



And I won't get any dimmer,

So I'll light your house today.

And I'll always have an Afro,

And It all can happen from sticken your finger



Chorus:

In-------stick it

In-------fry your

Brain-------stick it

In--------- (repeat chorus)



In the night

I glow

It shows

You're right

It's luminescent me,

Yes, I am all you see,

'Til it's light out,

I shine out,

My hair-do

Is weirdo

Hey------



The truth is,

In the night,

It drew,

Me in,

And then,

I stuck my finger in,

I stuck my finger in,

Are the lights out?

The light's out.

The light's out.

The light's out.



And it only gets still harder.

And I hope you listen to what I say.

Never stick your finger in there,

Or you might end up like me.



Chorus



Electricuted, Electricuted, Electricuted (chorus echoes and fades)



I Want To Have A Clone

----------------------

By Weird Alex, orginally by Steve Taylor



I'd gone through so much other stuff

That joining IRC was tough

But now I know it's not enough

I want to have a clone!

I installed Linux as a start

Got my host prog to do its part

And now I know deep in my heart

I want to have a clone!



Have a clone, and talk to myself all night

Cloneliness is next to godliness, right?

I'm grateful when the show the way

Cuz I don't really know the way

To do this on my own

I want to have a clone!



They told me my clone'd fall away

Unless I followed what they'd say

You need two servers anyway if

You want to have a clone!

Or else you might get a k-line

and then you wouldn't feel so fine

Oh, yes, it's in this heart of mine

I want to have a clone



Chorus



Send in the clones!  "I wanna tell my friends and neighbours about this."

"What?  You're still a babe, you have to grow, wait until you have about 10

clones or so.  Cuz if you wanna be cool like these, you gotta clone like

one of us!"



So now I see the whole design

And open windows, eight or nine

My friends tell me I'm doing fine

At generating clones

I've learned enough to stay afloat

Have enough clones to fill a boat

I'm glad you /msg'ed that note

On how to have a clone!



Everybody must get cloned!



=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



How to Make Fish in a Microwave

-------------------------------



get some sticks

duct tape them together

throw it in a pan of water

cook it in the microwave

for 50 hours

instant fish...



melvan, who thinks maybe you had to be there to get the joke...



----



The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa

Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and

whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the

right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),

regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh

bananas.

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. issue #66 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^



YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!  The temperature in western Wisconsin at

this moment is 40 degrees!  If there wasn't so much snow on the ground,

you'd think it was April.



melvan is proud to announce that she is now free to tell as many Iowa

jokes as she wants to, since her aunt who lived there moved to another

state.





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= As the Tractor Burns... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



STARRING:



Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew

Roseanne - as Esmerelda

O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty

Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern

Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen

Princess Di - as Buffy



That's right.  We have procrastinated yet again and left out ATTB.  But

next week we WILL have an episode.  Also, if anyone would like to try

writing an episode themselves, do it, send it to us, and if we like it,

we'll use it.





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  URGENT FME NEWS  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



There are two Q-tips sitting on melvan's desk.



We don't know if there's any news this week because it's not "this week"

yet.  We're writing this a week ahead of time.  Wow, we're soooooooooo

organized.  (eener cuts in:  ORGANIZED???!!  Aaaah!!  I'm definitely not

organized.  I sometimes wish I was more organized like melvan, who even

has her sock drawer organized by color...er....just kidding.)



wutg.





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  Wise Sage  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise

Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,

now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com



Dear Wise Sage,



Is it possible to become addicted to Duct Tape?  And if it is....Is there

a cure for the addiction?



Stuck in Atlanta



Dear Stuck,



Addicted to duct tape?  Yes, yes...it is a very common affliction in

today's society.  While I was driving home from work, a talk radio guy

told a story about a race car driver who repaired his car with duct tape.

My guess is the driver was addicted.  Are you addicted?  Here are a few

tell-tale signs....



1.  You start to pile spare rolls of duct tape around your abode, for

example on your shelves or on top of the tv.



2.  When something gets broken, the first thing you reach for is that

lovely roll of silver tape.



3.  You have dreams involving duct tape in some way.



4.  Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy do.



As for a cure...none has been discovered yet.



Wise Sage





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send

any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

melvan@wildstar.net



Moronic

-------

To the tune of "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette

Inspired by melvan



An old man eating piles of hay

Turned real green and died the next day

It's like eating black flies mixed with Chardonnay

It's a bologni sandwich turned a mottled gray



Isn't it moronic, don't you think?



Like singing rain with three syllables

A free ride to where you don't wanna go

That bad advice, you just had to take

You should have thought, cuz it figures



Mr. Play-It-Safe was afraid to fly

Until one day he thought he'd give it a try

The problem is, he forgot to note

He didn't have wings..."Splat" was his final quote

And wasn't he moronic, don't you think?



Chorus



Well stoopidity has a way of sneaking up on you

Just when you think you're pretty sharp and OK

And you think you're doing something right

Yeah, stoopidity has a funny way of making you look dumb

When everything goes wrong and then it all just blows up in your face



A traffic jam you caused while you were late

A no smoking sign on a barbecue display

It's like 10000 moons above the earth tonight

Meeting the man of your dreams... then realizing he's someone's wife



Now isn't THAT moronic, don't you think??? A little too moronic... yeah,

I really do think!



Chorus



Stoopidity has a way of sneaking up on you

Stoopidity has a funny, funny way of helping you out...

To look like a lout



Comment from a reader:



IN GRATITUDE FOR YOUR GENEROUS DELIVERY OF OUR WEEKLY SUBSCRIPTION...GTPM

(this actually stands for george the pepsi man) WOULD LIKE TO OFFER THE

FOLLOWING JOKE:



SO THERE WERE TWO DUCKS IN A BATHTUB....ONE SAID TO THE OTHER..."HEY,

PASS ME THE SOAP" AND THE OTHER ONE SAID..."WHAT DO YOU THINK I

AM?...CHOCOLATE ICECREAM?"



-----------

The following is what my husband hears when his family wants his

attention...anonymos (it was amazing to find it embeded in eener's poem!



Scritch...scratch

Hum hummm...

whine...

Fuzzzzzzz....

Fuzzzzz....

Whine....

"It is...."

Hummm...

Scritchh...

Whine....



Another comment from a reader...



The national organization know as S.E.T.I. (Search for anEone using ducT

tape in an Interresting manor, not to be confused with the more-widely

known 'S.E.T.I':  the 'Search for Extra Tasty Intelligence'), may have

issued this official advisory at some point:



Someone is making music with duct tape.  That's right, there's a guy who's

both a woodsmith and a musician.  His name is Woody Phillips (yes,

really.), and my friend got a Woody Phillips CD for Christmas, featuring

all your favorite Christmas tunes all performed with various woodshop

things (eg:  tuned 2x4's, pnuematic nailer, etc..).  The man actually uses

duct tape in a few songs.



Thought I should alert you.

-S



=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



Coffee

---------



Steaming

Aromatic

Hot

Dark

Rich

Creamy

Coffee

Caffeinated

Beverage

of the morning

Brewing in

the coffee pot

Why do I like

my java?

I'll give you

three

good reasons...

Caffeine

Caffeine

Caffeine



eener



Skipper thinks back

-------------------



The old man

sat on a rock

by the edge

of the lake.

Staring

across the vast

expanse of water

his mind wandered

back to the days

of his youth.

"What should I have done

differently?"

he asked himself.

"Nothing"

he replied.

If I could go back

in time

I wouldn't change a

thing.

Except for one.

I wouldn't have

picked Gilligan

as my first mate.



eener



----



The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa

Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and

whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the

right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),

regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh

bananas.

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. issue #65 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^



WELCOME TO ISSUE 65!  YES, WE'RE TYPING IN CAPSLOCK THROUGH THE WHOLE

ISSUE!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!  JUST KIDDING.  Okay, I'll turn off capslock now.

GUESS WHAT?  (whoops)  eener and melvan are together at her place to write

this one!!  Are you scared yet?  Yep, that's right.  eener hopped on a

plane from atlanta to visit fiends...well, friends and relatives from this

area.  That's the cool thing about working for an airline!  Woo hoo!

(yeah, eener had to type "woo hoo" cuz Darin, her sweetie-poo likes to see

the word "woo hoo" in type for some reason or another.  I guess he just

likes the way it looks.  And this parenthetical statement is getting quite

long, isn't it?  It could just go on and on and on forever until your eyes

bug out, but we're not going to do that to you, because we don't want to

pay your optometry bills!  Or is that Optician...or optimist...Hmmmm...

shall we end this madness now???  Aaaaaah!)  ATTENTION!!!  ATTENTION!!!!

THIS IS THE END OF THE INTRODUCTION!!!!!





=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= OH SNOP!! =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=



life's little annoyances...by melvan (and side comments by eener)



Once upon a time, melvan thought it would be really cool to work at Pizza

Hut.  She was wrong.  (***comment from the peanut gallery...actually,

le5t's make it the cashew gallery, cuz eener likes 'em gbetter, and she's

typing tyhis parenthitlcal statmehtnement, and leaving all typos

in...aaaah!  well, i'm trying to type from the side, which sucks scissors.

anyway, now i forgot what i was origimally going to say...oh yeah!  I keep

asking mel is she (oops, that was supposed to be "if" not "is"  wow, this

is a parenthesis inside oa parenthisis!!) ever poisons anyones pizza...and

she hasn't yet!!  This has been a parenthetical statement, now back to

melvan...)))



Friday night at work, I got stuck with doing the pasta (everyone's most

hated job).  One particular order nearly made me lose my mind (as if I

hadn't lost it already).  First of all, it was a meatball sandwich.  You

have to cut the meatballs while they're hot and burn your fingers & get

them all full of pasta sauce.  Second, everyone forgot to tell me about it

until (****eener cuts in tto ty0p something...ACK!!!  Both of us backspace

more than we go forwards...if we left in all our typos, this would be a

wild looking publication now, wouldn't it???  By the way, this is a

parenthetical statement) the rest of the order was out of the oven.  And

THEN, just when I got it into the oven, one of the other cooks tells me

"By the way, that sandwich isn't supposed to have onions on it."  So when

the sandwich came out of the oven, I tried picking the onions out of it.

The waitress was not pleased that it had onions and went out to the

customers.  She came back and said "Forget about the meatball sandwich,

they don't want it anymore."



AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= As the Tractor Burns... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



STARRING:



Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew

Roseanne - as Esmerelda

O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty

Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern

Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen

Princess Di - as Buffy



This week's episode of ATTB is brought to you by Bubba Bob & Jimbo's

Mental Floss.  For those tough mental blockages, always choose Bubba Bob &

Jimbo's.



Last week on ATTB, nothing happened.  The week before on ATTB, nothing

happened.  The week before the week before on ATTB, still nothing

happened.  The week before the week before the week before (or

something like that) on ATTB, nothing happened at all.  This week on ATTB,

everyone is going to die.



Scene:  Buffy is listening to Perry Como records.



Buffy:  Whoa, these are sooo boring...I might just die of boredom.

(Buffy dies)

Howard:  What?  She's dead?  How can she be dead?  She's blonde, she's not

supposed to die!  I'm going to die of loneliness now!

(Howard dies)

I.M.:  What's going on?  Why is everyone dying?

Raul:  I dunno.  I'm too depressed to live anymore. drinks shampoo and

dies

(Raul dies)

Esmerelda:  OK, that leaves me, I.M. and Al.

I.M.:  Not for long it doesn't! shoves Esmerelda into the lake

Esmerelda:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH splash

(Esmerelda drowns)

Al:  What did you do that for?

I.M.:  I didn't do anything.

Al:  Yes you did, you shoved Esmerelda in the lake!

I.M.:  I did not!  I'm innocent!

Al:  I've heard that befo--aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggghhhh!!!!!

(Suddenly, velociraptors from Jurassic Park run in and eat Al alive)

(Al dies)

I.M.:  Am I the only one left? waits for response

I.M.:  I SAID, Am I the only one left?

(Imperial storm troopers rush in and vaporize I.M. with their blasters)

(I.M. dies)



Join us next week, when we introduce a whole new cast.  Not really.  These

guys will never die.





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



Iiiiii recommend...



absolutely nothing.





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  URGENT FME NEWS  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



NEWS FLASH!  melvan and eener drank Dr Pepper before the writing of this

issue.  Be warned...or beward?



NEWS FLASH IN THE PAN!  eener is now becoming addicted to Coke, because

she lives in Atlanta, the placw where Coke was invented.  Did you know,

they even have a Coca Cola museum there????  Well, anyway, I'm sure you

all are glad to know that.  By the way, melvan has a mouse pad with an

Escher drawing on it.  Bye.



NEWS FLASH IN THE CAT LITTER BOX!  This issue is also known as "The Typo

Issue" and melvan is going to sneeze pretty soon....whoops, nevermind.



THIS ISN'T A NEWS FLASH, BUT IT'S A COOL STORY!  eener went to visit her

Grandma and Grandpa Peterson, and got to meet all the cats that are

currently inhabiting their abode.  (according to my Grandpa, about 42, but

I counted about 4)  They have two cats that have initials for names.

After they were talking about their cats and rattling off their names,

finally I asked them "what are your cats' names again???"  They informed

me one of them was "O.C." which stands for orange cat, and one of them is

"L.C." which stands for little cat.  When they rattle off that name fast,

it sounds like "elsie" but REALLY it's L.C.!  Well, anyway, I think it's

pretty cute 



=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  Wise Sage  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise

Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,

now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com



O, Intelligent Kitchen Spice:



What is it that makes you so much more knowledgeable than any other

kitchen spice?  Is your looks?  Your aroma?  Your potency?  Whatever it

is, continue in your unending journey for knowledge.



Your devoted follower,

A fan from Canada.



Dear fan,



It's my cute smile.



Wise Sage



=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send

any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

melvan@wildstar.net



Hello, it's me again, Scandalon, the one who mourned the death of the

fruit bats...Just reading FME tonight, when this message popped up,

"Cannot change that to text". With only one button*, "OK". So I pressed

it. I then continued reading...a few minutes later, the same message

appeared....IT'S POSSESSED!!!  -The End



Here is a comment we got in response to the changed format of the zine.



>This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa

>Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and

>whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the

>right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),

>regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh

>bananas.



You left out the BACON. That was the best part. You see, last year, in my

AP english class, we discovered that all the evil in the world is caused,

indirectly, by BACON. Actually, the problem occurs in BoogerFling. As soon

as you try to order a Whopper(TM) thingy (not TM), they ask "Would you like

to try bacon with that?"



Typical exchanges:

"Hello, may I take your order?"

"Yes, I'd like a wa-

"Would you like to try bacon with that?"

-ter."



"Hello, may I take your order?"

"Yes, I'd like a wopp...

"Would you like to try bacon with that?"

pper meal, w/cheese, no pickle.  No, I don't want bacon, if I had wanted

it, I'd have asked for it.  If I wanted mustard, I would ask for it. It's

not standard, but did you ask me if I wanted *mustard*?  No.  Extra onion?

NO.  Fried Wombat?  NOOO!  Because that's not the standard configuration,

and you want everyone to assimilate bacon into your ham-borg-ers!!!!  Yea,

I see Mr. Baldie Locutus back there!!!  Okay, so what if I raise a little

Hue-and-cry?!? I've seen your "manager", what a spineless wimp!!  If you

don't stop, I will turn to the dark side and go to the clown accross the

street!!!  Yea, I bet you didn't know, Ronald is my father!!!  He will

crush your little burger-rebellion like pickles under a steam-roller!"

"Umm, someone get security"



-The End (You should see what happens when I go through the drive through!)



Until next time*, same bat-time, same tab-channel. (fewer calories that way)



*send money, and I'll wait longer.





Head Over Feet

--------------

Parody of the song of the same name by Alanis Morissette

By Weird Alex



I had a choice and went with you

You took me to the games at the fair

I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess

We went to all the great games

And when we'd finished

Chorus:

You'd already won me a Grover, in spite of me

Though I'm so clumsy I'd fall head over feet

So don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

Though I couldn't help it

You won after all!



Your aim was straight, right to the goal

You're more accurate than I gave you credit for

That's not lip service



(Chorus)



You are the bearer of trinkets and things

You held your breath and won some more for me

Thanks for your patience!

(rubber duckie solo)

You're the best marksman that I've ever met

You're my best friend

Best friend with benefits

Didn't take you too long



I've never felt this wealthy before

Of little stuffed and furry animals

I'm quite aware now

Of your great flair now



(chorus)





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=





Scooby Doo

----------



Remember

the cheesy villains?



eener











Scooby Doo Too

--------------



Yup

I remember

the

cheesy villains



melvan (who almost signed her poem "eener" for some odd reason)



**eener notes:  and you should've seen how many times she backspaced when

she typed that line to get rid of typos!!!



Cat

---



Meow.

Purr.

Meow.

Purr.

Beg for attention.

Rub on people's legs.

Meow.

Scratch.

Claw.

Hiss

Sleep

Bite

Chase mice

Sleep

Ignore people

Look cute



melvan



----



The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This collection of lunacy

doyoueverreallreadthispartofthemagazinedownhere????  is copyright 1997 by

Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies,

poems, stories, and whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.

FME reserves the right to edit any material sent for publication (if you

can call it that), regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure

earrings, AND fresh bananas.







































Scroll up.















































NOW!!!!



















Secret hidden message.





































"it's a sekrit."---quote from Spazzy









































Bye.

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. issue #64 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^



This week we start out the 'zine with a new scientific discovery.  This is

called the Earwax Theorem.  It is stated thus:  "If a carbon-based life

form exists, then it develops earwax between its toes and in its spleen."



Interpret it whatever way you so desire....



Still more Priceless Quotes



"These bananas are so fresh they're not even ripe yet!" - Elkvis

"Just because we're part of Wisconsin doesn't mean we're not part of

Minnesota." - Elkvis





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= As the Tractor Burns... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



ATTB isn't here this week.  The actors are on strike.





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



We reccomend the following books:



"Pook Bit the Dust" by Gordon O. MacNutt

"Green Spots on the Wall" by Pickett & Flikit



NOTE  These are not real books...





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  URGENT FME NEWS  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



ATTENTION!  It's time for the first annual New & Strange Music Awards!

Here's a list of nominees.



Note:  This is also something that was written several years ago before we

were online.



Best New Artist



1.  Art the Posterior Breeze

2.  Lantern Eyes

3.  , or the artist formerly known as

Princess



Best Album



1.  "Mouthwash Behind the Piano" - Various artists

2.  "Itch My Chin (or I'll Kill Your Mother)" - Snort Smith & Band

3.  "Bloated and Green" - The Hot Water Heater Band



Best Song



1.  "Plaster Clarinets Keep Falling on My Head" - The Extraterrestrials

2.  "Area Code to Hell" - Joe Psychoflute

3.  "Float My Boat (Down the Sewer, Darlin')" - Psycho Auctioneer





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  Wise Sage  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise

Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,

now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com



Hey subscribers!  Another tidbit from Dave Hart...he sent this awhile back

in regards to a couple of wise sage questions and answers. Unfortunately

eener, being the procrastinator that she is, neglected to print it 'til

this week!



Dear Wise Sage,



Speaking of all that breaking - for that matter, I've never actually seen

or heard the dawn breaking. But water must break, because the waves and

the surf in California are constantly breaking. I think that there must be

regular water (news, dawns, etc.) and an extra-delicate kind, because

these things are said to be breaking all the time!  Which is probably why

God invented Duct Tape to fix all these things when they break. But

because duct tape fixes them so good, we just don't notice that they're

broken.



And speaking of driving on parkways and parking on driveways, how come

freight sent on trucks and railroad cars is called a shipment, but stuff

sent on a ship is called cargo?  Hmmmmmmm.......?



And one more thing. If a cow was flying off a ski jump and his pants fell

down, would that be a case of the cow mooned over the jump!?!  Hmmmm?????



dave "the wise guy" pastor



The wise sage reponds to this question.



Dear Wise Guy,



If you ever see a cow skiing, please report it to your nearest tabloid

publication.  And when they pay lots of moolah to you for this, you'll get

preoccupied and totally forget to wonder if it was a cow mooned over the

jump.



Wise Sage



Dear Wise Sage,



Is there really any point?



signed,

Pointless



Dear Pointless,



There used to be one...but unfortunately, it was misplaced years ago.



Wise Sage





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send

any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

melvan@wildstar.net



Helloooooooooooo everyone!! Here's a funny note that subscriber and good

friend of eener wrote in an email to aforementioned person...that

aforementioned person, when she read said email got a major kick out of

this particular thing, and so decided to include it in this week's issue

of fme!  (how's THAT for wording?)



"I just thought of a name for your funny little jokes and stories:

Eenerisms!  Kinda like anurisms, only not as painful!  As in, "Ha, Ha,

that joke was so funny I almost had an Eenerism!"  What do you think?"



From- Dave Hart



We have yet another parody...this is a parody of "Nobody Knows You When

You're Down and Out" by Eric Clapton.





Nobody Knows You When Your Server's Out

---------------------------------------

(From Eric Clapton's Unplugged album)

by Weird Alex



Once I surfed the Web like a millionaire

Chatted IRC like I didn't have a care

Helped all my good friends to go online

Taught them JAVA, FTP and MIME

Then when I saw my connection was slow

Took longer to get me where I wanted to go

If I get my hands on an ISDN

I'll begin my mass downloads again

because



Nobody knows you when your server's out.

As for bots, you don't have any,

As for friends, can't chat with many

When you get back on the net again

Everybody wants to be your email friend

I'll say it straight, without any doubt

Nobody knows you, when your server's out



(modem solo)

(repeat chorus then)



Nobody knows you

Nobody knows you

Nobody knows you when your server's out





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



Once upon a time (in high school), eener wrote a computer program (in

BASIC, for those of you who are interested) that would randomly spit out

dumb poems. Here are a few that we printed out during lunch hour one day.



Wheezing

A garbage can squashes Chicago...

Sasquatch!

The end approaches...



The toilet flushes for one last time

Wang dang!

The toilet burps forth a snake

As the last moonbeam fades...



The lone antenna sings in the night

Bang!

Her eyeball pops gracefully from the socket

The end approaches...



Dead.

Polka dots explode randomly -

Turtles relentlesly smash Deetroit -

Ever to stare into your empty eyes



Pink slime clings to the surface -

Whiz-bang!

The wind erodes it away...

Quoth the raven nevermore





Geometry Folder**

---------------



The holder of this book is legally dead

So go plant a vegetable garden in

Regurgitating squatoons

The courageous twink approaches Roopert's grave

As he contemplates his discovery of the

Earwax Theorem



melvan





AM radio

------------



Scritch...scratch

Hum hummm...

whine...

Fuzzzzzzz....

"We not interrupt to report that

Elvis has been spotted at...."

Fuzzzzz....

Whine....

"ATTENTION!!  We have discovered

the secret of life!  It is...."

Hummm...

Scritchh...

Whine....



eener



*She really spelled it that way, with two E's

**Inspired by the folder melvan used for her Geometry class in high school



----



The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa

Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and

whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the

right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),

regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh

bananas.

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. issue #67 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^



QUOTE OF THE WEEK:



"Well, mred, what it amounts to is that everything is gonna be fine, fine,

fine, cuzz I got one hand in my pocket, while the other hand waves a Big

green thing."



qaz1, aka "Weird Alex" Klages



And now for Storytime...with eener



One day, not so long ago, I was at traffic court to pay off a ticket.  I

drove there in the car early in the morning.  My fiance Darin surprised me

by showing up there to keep me company.  I saw his truck in the parking

lot, then I saw him, standing outside, waiting for me.  I thought that was

pretty sweet of him!  After we paid the thing off, we headed outside,

discussing the possibility of going out to breakfast.  Eventually, we just

decided to head home and eat breakfast there.  We walked over to the

truck.  He opened the door for me and I hopped in.  He then got in the

driver's side and started up the truck.  We headed out of the parking lot,

but then noticed we were heading out the "in" side of the parking lot! We

turned around and headed for the exit.  It was only then that we drove by

the car, sitting there in the parking lot.  We had been about to leave in

the truck, leaving the car behind!!!!!  We had both completely forgotten

that we came in two separate vehicles.  Gosh, we are just too much

alike!  Hee hee! 





=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= OH SNOP!! =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=



life's little annoyances...



Hello.  I (melvan) have just come back from the kitchen with a cup of hot

chocolate.  What makes this so interesting (and snoppish) is that when I

went to retrieve it from the microwave, there was hot chocolate all over

the bottom of the microwave and the side of the cup.  I didn't leave it in

there so long that it would have boiled over.  The cup wasn't broken.  The

microwave is just possessed.





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= As the Tractor Burns... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



STARRING:



Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew

Roseanne - as Esmerelda

O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty

Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern

Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen

Princess Di - as Buffy



Forget everything that has ever happened before on ATTB - because it has

absolutely no relevance to what's going to happen this week.



This week, the entire cast has been hired to work at Pizza Hut.



Howard:  Uh...why are we in a restaurant?

Al:  We're supposed to be working, I think.

I.M.:  What's work?

Howard:  I don't know, but it beats drowning in Mountain Dew.

Buffy:  Hey, where is the Mountain Dew?

Esmerelda:  Men suck.

Raul:  What did we do to you?

Esmerelda:  Everything.

Raul:  What did I personally do to you today?

Esmerelda:  I didn't say you were a man.

Raul:  But I'm part of the sub-species.

Buffy:  I just lost a screw!

Manager:  OK, Al, take this pizza to the prison.  You have to go down a

hall, and at the end of the hall there's a door.  Go through the door, and

there's a pay phone on the wall.  Call 911 and the lady will come out and

get the pizza.

Al:  Uh...okay...

I.M.:  You see, I was born with a big rake in my head...*

Buffy:  Wow, your mother must have been in a LOT of pain...



That concludes this week's issue of ATTB...join us next week (or whenever)

when Buffy eats a paperclip and sets off a metal detector in the airport.



Actual quotes from people at Pizza Hut (most of them on the night of

March 5, 1997)





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



We reccomend that you force your friends, family members, enemies,

co-workers, teachers, students, and/or parole officers to subscribe to

FME.



We also reccomend that if you live in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area in

Minnesota that you check out a local band called Pegtop.  They have a new

cd called "The Great Reverse" which melvan just got in the mail yesterday

and can't quit listening to.  Perhaps it would help if she turned off the

cd player...





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  URGENT FME NEWS  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



You may have noticed that FME hasn't dropped into your mailbox in the last

few weeks.  There is a very good explanation for this, and as soon as we

make it up, we'll tell you.



=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send

any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

melvan@wildstar.net



The fruit bats have, once again, died.



=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



Soda

----



Bubbly

Sweet

Caffeinated

Mega-carbonation

WHOOSH!

Why do they always

explode on me????



eener



Workout

-------



Ouch!

Ouch!

Ouch!

I did aerobics

and there are muscles

hurting

that I didn't even

know

I

had!

Ouch!



eener



----



The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa

Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and

whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the

right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),

regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh

bananas.

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

^.^. issue #63 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^



ATTENTION!  We have changed the layout of the zine for this week and this

week only!  (unless you like it, in which case it'll be like this every

week)  Please email us your thoughts on how it looks.



We would like to present to you the Mental Stability Test.  This appeared

in an old issue from pre-internet days.  This is a test we have both

failed; we hope you do the same.



Question 1:  If you had to choose from the following list of TV shows,

which would you watch?



A.  Underwater Bingo for Teams

B.  Full Contact Wheel of Fortune

C.  500 Ways to Cook Bananas

D.  Jeffrey Dahmer's Clubhouse

E.  A show with all new main characters every week, since each episode

    ends with all main characters being killed by an exploding toilet



Question 2:  Which of the following would you eat first if you were

starving?



A.  The nearest roach

B.  Your pet pirhana

C.  Candlewax dripped on the stereo

D.  Your toes



Question 2:  Which name appeals most to you?



A.  Posey Miller

B.  I.M. Madd

C.  Ban Van Tran

D.  John Hancock



Question 2:  Which word most accurately describes your checking account?



A.  Abundant

B.  Dead

C.  Overdrawn

D.  Boing



Question 2:  Which of these book titles capture your interest?



A.  50 creative uses for an eyelash curler

B.  How to kill your siblings with a paperclip

C.  The Energizer Bunny unmasked:  the unauthorized biography

D.  Jeffrey Dahmer sautees Bill Clinton





How to interpret the results of your Mental Stability Test:



1.  Make an appointment with a psychiatrist.

2.  At the appointed time, bring your answers to the test to the

    psychiatrist.

3.  Chop off the psychiatrist's head.



=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= OH SNOP!! =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=



life's little annoyances...by melvan



Gripe, moan, complain, whine.  My car won't start.  I went outside half

an hour ago and stepped on the pedal.  It was like a brick.  I turned the

key.  I stomped down hard on the pedal, and it stuck to the floor.  I

turned the key again and it tried to start.  Then nothing.  I tried again

5 minutes ago.  Same thing.  I'm supposed to be at work in 15 minutes.

It's a 20 minute drive.  The other two vehicles we own are in use.  I'm

stuck here.



I'm beginning to wonder if I really want to buy that car from my

parents....



----



We now introduce a new column for fme!!  It's called "Reverse-snopisms!"

As you might guess, this column is about the good things in life, rather

than the bad.  eener's contribution to this week's column....



My little piece of joy for today is this:  hearing the birds singing in

the middle of January.  As many of you know, I recently moved here to

Atlanta from the Minneapolis/St. Paul area.  It's such a pleasure to me to

look at the thermometer and see it read "60" in the middle of January!!

I'm writing this at work right now.  On my break at about 4 am or so, I

took a walk around outside.  The air smelled fresh from the recent

rainstorm, and I could hear birds singing.  Mmmm...life is good.  I just

wanted to share that simple pleasure with you folks.  Have a nice day!!





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= As the Tractor Burns... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



STARRING:



Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew

Roseanne - as Esmerelda

O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty

Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern

Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen

Princess Di - as Buffy



This week we're doing something a little different.  As you know, the ATTB

characters' love lives have been slightly....pathetic?  So they have

decided to run personal ads in FME this week.  If you are interested in

any of them, contact attb@desperate.com



Raul Hackenspew, age 31, male.  Likes square dancing and golf.  5'12",

brown hair, beard down to his ankles, glasses.



Esmerelda, age 29 (for the 5th year in a row), female.  Likes being bossy

(though not as much as Buffy).  Looks exactly like Roseanne.



I.M. Gilty, age 35, male.  Likes white Ford Broncos and football.  The

I.M.  stands for "In Metric", which got him in trouble with Buffy when

they were suppposed to be getting married.



Howard Stern, age 40, male (he thinks).  Likes cussing and generally being

a nuisance. 7', purple, green belly, kids flock to him.



Al Rightithen, age 23, male.  Loves facial contortions, saying

"Allllllllllrightythen", and cable TV.  6'1", green hair.



Buffy, age 26, female.  Likes yelling at people and being in charge.

Blonde.  Need we say more?



----





WE ARE VERY PROUD TO BRING YOU something that appeared in "The DPIACTT,

Duh!, Weirdly, & Kazoo Treasury" two years ago.



Quotes From Your Parents

------------------------



"You'll poke your eye out with that thing!"

"Are you happy now?  You broke it!"

"This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you."

"Quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"

"No."

"Because I said so."

"If you keep making that face, it will freeze that way!"





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  URGENT FME NEWS  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



RED ALERT!  Caution:  Xavier Xerxes [you know her as eener] is in serious

condition at Oopsi, Iowa Mental Institution.  She has been saying REALLY

weird things.



For example:



"Activate PMS!  Activate CMT!  Activate MTV!  Activate TNN!  Caesar* in

the key of C!  We all have our own built-in juicers in our rear ends!

Yes, folks, just stick a carrot or an orange back there and squeeze,

squeeze, squeeze your way to delicious juice and a firm rear end!  This is

a regular insect mortuary!"



This satire of infomercials and et cetera is brought to you by the letters

Q, Z, and the number 3287642387465.



Actually she said "seizure", but I (melvan) thought she said "Caesar", so

that's what I wrote.



=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

=  Wise Sage  =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise

Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,

now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com



No Wise Sage letters this week.





=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send

any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

melvan@wildstar.net



The Fruit Bats are on vacation this week.  They will be back next week to

flap in your face.



=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



List #53847

-----------



Manner boy

Eagle boy

Bubba

Peachy toilet powder

Purple peas

Starving artists

Duct tape

The Earwax Theorem

The red shorts

Candlewax on the Stereo**

The, A, An, etc.



melvan, who is hoping that eener remembers some of these jokes...



*Whatever happened to them, anyway?

**Are there still traces of it?



----



The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa

Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and

whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the

right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),

regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh

bananas.

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE

F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery

F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)

FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #62

F               M   M   M       E

F               M       M       E

F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Writers (in no particular order):

Renee Elrod (aka eener): eener@juno.com

Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@wildstar.net



Extra Staff:

Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)

--mel's brother & computer expert



FME on the web:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



We begin this week's issue with a story about something that happened at

the Pizza Hut Christmas/bowling party last week.



One of our waitresses was showing off at the party, bowling like a little

kid, an old lady, whatever.  At one point she sat down in front of the

lane, with the ball in front of her, ready to roll it down the lane.

Someone from behind me yelled to her "You're not at work!  Get off your

butt!"



Hmmmm.......



Here I (eener) am at work.  (and there was much rejoicing)  I was looking

at the overtime postings on the computer...on the list for Jan 14th, it

said "0900-2300...including YUL" and when I first looked at it I thought

it said "including you." which I thought was quite silly...usually the

folks who input stuff in the computer are so serious you know!  I wasn't

expecting to see a silly comment like that in there.  So I look closer and

I notice it really said "YUL" which is the city code for Montreal.  Oh

well...I guess you had to be here!  grin



Doh!!



This morning, I (eener) woke up bright and early (mostly because I went to

bed bright and early...) and decided to put some coffee on.  I always like

a little caffeine kick in the morning.  Sooo...I put the coffee filter in,

and put the hot water into the pot and clicked the switch to "on."

Several minutes later, I look in the coffee pot at clear coffee!  It is

then that I realize...I forgot to put the COFFEE GROUNDS in...aaaaah!





####################

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The Characters:

Raul:  played by Jim Varney

Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne

I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson

Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur

Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey

Buffy:  played by Princess Di



This week on ATTB, we have a guest writer...none other than Mr. Nathan

Rische (aka Nate, aka etan, aka YoursTruely) himself!



BTW...if anyone else would like to write an episode of ATTB, send it our

way and we might just use it. 



SPECIAL GUEST STARS FOR THE WEEK:

Captian James T Kirk: played....by...will...iam...shatner

Spock: logicly played by Leonard Nimoy

Dr. "Bones" McCoy: played by DeForrest Kelly...and dangit Jim, I'm an

actor, not a doctor!

The Voice of Scotty: played by teh voice of James Doohan

(aren't these all just a little to familiar, redundant, repetative and cliche?)



who cares what happened last week in ATTB? ITS STAR TREK WEEK ON ATTB!



We join our characters as they are engaged in a deep discussion of the

explosive capacity of cattle's spleens.....





Raul: .....Now when we transmography the deligaeter with a friction

co-efficiant of pi to the pi power and add in the third gravitational

constant of the universe......

I.M.: Where the heck did you learn all this???



Kirk: Kirk...to...enter..PRISE...we..have...ar..RIVED...phasers....

set..on...STUN....

Spock: Captian, we seem to have six unidentified life forms staring in our

direction. It is only logical do assume they're looking at us.  However,

should that initial assesment be incorrect, it would be a logical desicion

to look behind us.

Kirk: What...are..they...Bones?

Bones: Dangit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an enclyclopedia.

Buffy: Huh?

Kirk: Kirk..to..enter..PRISE..we SEEM...to...have...en..countered...

non-intelligent...life...FORMS

Al: What in allllllllmighty creation are YOU doing here?

I.M.: I work here.

Al: Not YOU you dimwit!  THEM!



Kirk: Bones! See....to that...man!



Bones: He's dead Jim!

Esmerelda: Who's dead?



Bones: I.M. dead

Kirk: You're dead bones??

Howard: Who's "Your" and why are they dead?  And how the heck did so many

extras get into this issue??????

Bones: NO! He's dead! I.M. is dead!

I.M.: My name is "Your?"

Spock: This is highly illogical

Bones: Shut up you pointy eared vulcan freak!

Kirk: Bones...be..HAVE..yourself!  I'm.....very...dis..aPOINT..ed...in

you!

Howard:  AH HAH! You're I'm and YOU'RE dead!!!

I.M.: NO! MY name is "Your" and I'm dead!

Buffy: Someone's dead?

Howard: Who's this "Someone" character and how did THEY die???

Spock: Three people, I.M., Your, and Someone have all died and we have no

motive or method or even two of the bodies. This is highly illogical!

Bones: Dangit Jim, I'm a doctor not a detective!

Raul: I know! Mrs.Peacock did it in the Library with the Revolver!!!!



Esmerelda: You got it Raul!!!!! Congradulations, you win!

Kirk: Kirk...to enter....PRISE....get us...out...of here...now!

Voice of Scotty: Ay Cap'n!





Stay tuned for next weeks issue of ATTB where our heros resume their

normal roles and battle the evil Computoman for control of the planet!!!

Oooo Ahhh Ohhhh!!!!!



Guest ATTB author, etan/YoursTruely (Nathan Rische)





**************

  Wise Sage  

**************

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,

  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email eener@juno.com with your question



Once upon a time, the Wise Sage sent us an answer to a reader's question.

The staff misplaced this question and completely forgot about it...UNTIL

NOW...when melvan was cleaning out her various mailboxes and found it in

a very unlikely place.



Dear Wise Sage,



How hot could a gfot snot if a gfot could snot snot?



Yours Truely



Dear Yours Truely,



That would be 30 degrees Calvin & Hobbes, the new temperature scale, which

is somewhat related to the Kelvin scale. (Actually, it's its uncle)



Wise Sage



Dear Wise Sage,



Why don't I have a girlfriend?



Johnny





Dear Johnny,



Most likely it's because of your name.  I advise you to change it to "Mel

Gibson" or "Brad Pitt"



Wise Sage





************************

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet

************************

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this

  section, email melvan@wildstar.net



Bugs

----

A Parody of "Smug" by Steve Taylor



Find them in your clothes

Maybe in your hair

Crawling in your nightie

Tromping down the stairs

Almost anywhere

(Ooh, just like mice!)



Practice in a mirror

Hunting them like deer

Very sincere

A promising career could begin right here at home

If you like them bugs, them bugs...



Hey mama, hey mama look at what your little babies all gone and done

Hey mama, hey mama don't you ever wish you'd gone and been a nun?

Not vain, not fickle, maybe weaned on a pickle

Must be in our blood

Rome's flambeeing, we're okaying bugs



Find some more of those

Little gnats and ticks

Smother them with ketchup

Get your buggy fix

We love the nightcrawlers

We love the bugs underneath the hedge

Find some more bugs

Eat them like a man

One part little spiders

Two part drosophilan

Or is that more than you can stand?

My, my, don't you like bugs?

Scary, scary, scary, scary



Hey mama, hey mama look at what your little babies all gone and done

Hey mama, hey mama don't you ever wish you'd gone and been a nun?

Not vain, not fickle, maybe weaned on a pickle

Must be in our blood

Rome's flambeeing, we're okaying bugs





All you bug-starved millions just a looking for more

Welcome to our store!

What you wanna munch?

We can help you eat lunch from little sugar ants to great big bugs

Bugs from the homes of our country club brethren

Scraped fresh from a tomb

Or maybe from the bottom of a locker room broom

Now what's the matter? Hey?

Looking for cheese? That part don't come till later!

The chef will not be pleased...



Hey mama, hey mama look at what your little babies all gone and done

Hey mama, hey mama don't you ever wish you'd gone and been a nun?

Not vain, not fickle, maybe weaned on a pickle

Must be in our blood

Rome's flambeeing, we're okaying

Rome is frying, we're all trying

Rome is heating, now we're eating

Bugs.



(Voiceover on fadeout:)

"I wanna talk to you about bugs, people.  You think they're so good? No,

they ain't good, and I wanna tell you why.  You wanna eat a good bug, you

come to me. You lookin for some insects? Cuz I got 'em.  You lookin for

some arachnids? Cuz I got 'em.  They're good, they're crunchy, they're

better than yours!  You look at me and you say, brother, how can I find

such bugs. Well, I'll tell ya.  It took me a long time!  I've arrived!

I'm alive! I've got the best bugs!..."



(By Weird Alex)



And here's a song that got started on IRC on Thursday morning...er,

afternoon when I was telling some friends about a skunk that invaded our

shed once.



Oh, the cat's locked in the pickup

The cat's locked in the pickup

The cat's locked in the pickup

And Dad got out his gun



Maybe you had to be there...





------------------

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

------------------





A letter from Marianne Love



Dear FME folks,



I'd like to announce that Postcards from Potato Land, the title of which

was inspired by FME, will be released March 1.  Please pass the information

along to all the loyal readers.  If they want their personally autographed

copies, they can write me at mlove@digital-cafe.com for more details like

how much it's gonna cost and how much they're gonna love every one of its

195 pages.  Thanks for your inspiration.  I'd like to borrow from a famous

quote:  One Farm Macheenery Exploding can make a difference.  Your

publication certainly did that for me.





----------------

Dumb Poetry in a

Card Type Trash

----------------



Odor

----



Like the smell of 5,000 dirty gym socks

left out in the rain...

Like the smell of a garbage heap

rotting in the sun...

Like the smell of a culture that hasn't

yet discovered deodorant...

This is the smell of my little brother's winter

snow boots after he takes them off.

Wheeeeeyoo!



eener



**disclaimer:  this is from a long time ago...I vividly remember

the funny odor his boots used to emanate.  I'm thinking his boots

probably smell much better now!  (at least I hope they do...I don't

live at home anymore, so I haven't had the pleasure to smell my

brother's boots for awhile!)



:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)



Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/



This document is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,

except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel

free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not

changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in

(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).