Issue #9, 11 December 1995

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #9
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper
renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Howdy, and welcome again to the online version of Farm Macheenery
(exploding) Magazine!  If you're having difficulty trying to
decide what to get that "special someone" in your life for Christmas,
how about a subscription to Farm Macheenery (exploding)?  It'll keep
them amused all year long, and you won't have to pay anything!!
Well, that ends our intro for this week, so on with the magazine!

DISCLAIMER:
part of this week's fme issue was written in a basement
where the temperature is approximately -50 degrees.  Te-he!
Just kidding.  The temp is maybe 60000 degrees.  Oops.  I mean
40 degrees Fahrenheit.  Brrrrrr.  This cold temp. may be responsible
for freezing our brain cells.  You have been warned!!

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Coming soon:  The Official Farm Macheenery (exploding) Web Pages!!!
--as soon as DP finishes 'em and sends them to the guys at her
new internet place.  Or something.

*********

INTRODUCING DUMBSPEAK!!!

Some important phrases in Dumbspeak:

"Norin ya Quorin Pooc Hin" means "My best friend stole the hamper"

"Vimp e'roy snickrot" means "I have buried my uncle's earwax"

"Snip snip snip" means "My business associate has a plaster
clarinet on his wall"

"Fink j'ello whoopa diz" means "Our guest has clogged the toilet again"

"Ki wok e newt hin" means "My best friend ate the hamper"

*********

Follow these directions:

Go down First Street until you come to the squat green house and
turn left, then go due east for one mile until you reach Snich
River.  Then get out of your car and swim to the other side.
Leave your left sock in the river and take the trail to Boop's
Cabin.  The problem is, you wanted to get to the Eiffel Tower.

--XX was inspired by Dave Barry's writing
to write these delightful directions. If you haven't
read any of Dave Barry's books, go get a copy, but
be sure to have Kleenex, because you might start crying if you
laugh too hard!!

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************

wISE sAGE,

mY CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS BROKEN AND i CAN'T FIX IT.  dO YOU HAVE ANY
SUGGESTIONS FOR ME?

cAPLESS IN kALAMAZOO

Dear cAPLESS,

My suggestion to you is- buy a new computer.  Ha-ha!  Just kidding.  If you
can't fix your caps lock button any other way, follow these three steps...
1) Glare maniacally at your keyboard
2) Pound on it with your fist
3) Repeat steps 1 and 2 until the problem is fixed,
   or until your hand falls off

Wise Sage


Wise Sage,

Everytime I try to submit a "Dear Wise Sage" letter, my modem
breaks and my carrier is dropped.  What can I do to prev...

NO CARRIER

Dear NO CARRIER,

It's funny, but when I tried responding to your letter, my computer just
locked up, and I couldn't offer you any sugges...

Wise Sage

--If you have any questions that keep you up at night, wondering...
  ask the Wise Sage!  Email renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu with
  your questions:-)

***************

And now, for DP's and XX's 10 ideas on what Hell could be, other than
fire and brimstone... (with occasional ideas being tossed in by the
deranged, tortured, twisted, depraved Marvin the Magnificent)

1)  Being locked in a very small room with just
    a tv.  The tv would show continuous "Barney" videos
    forever and ever..."I love you, you love me..."
    Aaaaah!
1.5)Having to watch Brady Bunch episodes forever and ever
    (this idea originates from Marvin the Magnificent's spleen)
2)  Having the enter key on your keyboard stuck.
3)  Being in a neverending cueue line that goes
    nowhere
4)  The neverending root canal.
5)  Two words...Ford Granada (this idea comes
    from the tortured mind of Marvin the Magnificent)
6)  Trying to run Windows on a Mac (this idea also
    comes from the tortured, twisted mind of Marvin
    the Magnificent)
7)  Being forced to attend country music and polka
    festivals every day for eternity!!!!!!  Hahahaha!
    (...but DP & her brother have it in their blood and
    can't help but sorta like polka!!)
8)  Having every week of the year be "finals week"
    (for all college students, and former college students, you
    can appreciate the horror of this scenario)
9)  Being hired by a large airline company to clean all
    airplanes in the fleet with...a...toothbrush!!! (this idea also also
    inspired by the ummmm... for lack of a better word-
    mind of Marvin the Magnificent)
10) Never ever ever ever being able to read FME again!!!


************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************

Postcards from Potato Land

Potato Land is calm today.  The sky is blue.  The frogs are croakin'
beneath the house.  It's cold.  Dust is flyin' every time a green dump
truck passes by.  The purple banner of Love from Cowtown, New Jersey, is
blowin' in the wind.  How many years must a banner blow?  The answer, my
friends, is for only God and you to know.
 We're astute philosophers in Potato Land.  We have our favorite sayin's
like "only fools and newcomers predict the weather in Potato Land" or a
"cow is a cow is a cow unless she's a sow.  And if she's a sow, she ain't
no good to plow."
Of course, who can plow now,  Brown cow?
School kids and teachers are all mad here at the home of the Potato High
Spuds cuz we got short-changed on the Christmas vacation.  Just one week.
Everybody's grousin' and moanin' and moanin' and grousin'.
So's if you all could send us some Christmas cheer, we might just send you
some hash browns.
Next week, we'll talk about Potato Guns.  Til then.

May your spuds go thud in the mud.
PG

From someone named AA...

"12 FL OZ"

Cream and crimson cylinder
Coca-cola can
In a thousand years someone may dig thee up
And think thee Ancient Art.

AA

Submitted by The Other One...

This is a REAL personal ad listed in the New York Review of Books...

Petite, attractive, intelligent WSF, 30, fond of music, theatre, books,
travel, seeks warm affectionate, fun-loving man to share life's pleasures
with view to lasting relationship. Send photograph. Please no biochemists.


--Submit your original stories, poems or whatever else
  to "The Section Where Other People Write" by
  emailing melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

IMPORTANT NOTICE:  "Snop" is the official "bad word" of FME.

Snop
----

snow
in my shoes
snow
up my nose
snow
down my pants
snop...
snow
in my earholes
snow
in your face
snow
thrown by me
snow
zooming thru the window screen
snow
formed to resemble Ross Perot
snow......................................
snop.

XX & DP & MM

The High-tech Redneck song
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My text is purple...
my enter key is stuck...
my fingers are freezing...



and there goes my enter key again...
and my brother's beating on his monitor...
so the text isn't purple anymore...
oh woe is me...
oh...
snop.
and my text is purple again...

DP

Cheeto Gravity
--------------

Marvin says the earth sucks
Cheetos drop from my fingers...
Bink!
Oreo* slurps them up.
Slurp. Slllllllurp. Sly.
snop

XX, DP
(and fresh bananas)
(and credit to Marvin the Magnificent's
 pancreas for the first line)

*Oreo is DP & MM's dog.

***************
We hope you've enjoyed this week's FME!
To subscribe to Farm Macheenery (Exploding),
email melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu

Unfortunately, now we have to end this week's
compilation of XX and DP's collective brilliance:-)
So...in keeping with our last 2 issues-
Elephant!
}:?) <----elephant dressed as a reindeer

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