Issue #8, 4 December 1995

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #8
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order): alias DP or Dr. Pepper alias XX or Xavier Xerxes

Hello!  This is the intro section.  Aren't you excited??

Yes, this is the intro section, and I am exited!!

CAUTION:  Contents under pressure.  Sudden exposure to intense heat
may cause violent bursting.  Cap may blow off and cause serious eye


This is a list of different things the letters
S.O.S. could stand for.  Enjoy!

1.  Stepped-on spider
2.  Spit on St. Louis
3.  Stake out Somalia
4.  Smelly old socks
5.  Squished octopus spleens
6.  Sneaky old snotface
7.  Scream often, spleenbrain
8.  Give me the purple pea


Howdy, folks.  It's that part of the magazine where we explore
the unusual, usual, and anything else that comes across our path.
This week, we have a commentary by DP entitled "What is a car?"

What is a car?  That question has confused many scholars for a
very long time.  I have the answer.  To define a car, we must
first discuss the different aspects of cars and "notcars".

Cars have gas tanks.  Notcars do not.  Cars have steering wheels.
Notcars do not.  Cars have tires.  Notcars do not.  Therefore,
since cars and notcars are so different, we have come to the
conclusion that notcars are not cars.  Don't start thinking that
cars are notcars, or that notcars are not notcars, because cars
are not notcars, whereas notcars are notcars, since they are
not cars.  If something is a notcar, it is not a car.  If something
is a car, it is not a notcar.  Notcars and cars are not the same.
Cars are cars, not notcars.  Notcars are notcars, not cars.  An
object cannot be a car and a notcar at the same time.  It can,
however, be a notcar and not be a car.  However, a car can be a
not notcar, while a notcar can be a not not notcar.

I hope this essay has been of help to you in figuring out whether
what you have is a car or a notcar.

Here are some interesting and out-of-the-ordinary
Personal ads...
(note:  these are not REAL personal ads, unless
you live in the fourth demention)
(sorry, but these are all guys- next time
around we'll add some females)

Wisconsin-DWM, 42, 122 lbs
Well Hi!  My name is Frank-
Small man but big heart.
Looking for a petite lady
with resources who suffers
from Turrett's Syndrome.  We
could have such fun together!

Iowa-SWM, 53, 300 lbs
I am Fred.  I would like to
meet a large lady who enjoys
maniacal men.  I have an unusual
talent for bongo drums.
Call soon.

California-SBM, 23, 160 lbs
Cheerful, "mad scientist" type
seeks a lovely lab partner for
late night dissections

Oklahoma-DWM, 35, 190 lbs
Farmer Joe's ma name.  Ah
plan on settlin' down on ma
lovely ranch with Miss Right.
Ma bloody phone hain't been
ringin' for a week and ah'd love
to hear from anyone in Deer Lick, KY.
Let's bring the cows home together.

Kentucky-SWM, 25, 188 lbs
I'm looking for a cute little blonde
to bring me my slippers and cook
my supper.  Hobbies include:
football (watch on tv), flea markets, and
gardening (my friends say I vegitate).  Please
respond.  My name's Dr. Hackenspew.

Mars-SGM(single green martian), 142, 55 lbs
Greetings Earthlings- I'm Ed.  Looking
for evil Earth lady to help carry out plan
to conquer the world.  No dependents please.
I might eat them.

*  Wise Sage  *

Dear Wise Sage,

Sophie the squirrel, she gave me a whirl, and now I can not see,
for I am so dizzy.  I can't see!  Do I see an optimist, an optician,
an opthamologist?


Dear Clark,

See a psychiatrist.

Wise Sage

***The Wise Sage has gotten pretty bored lately with no questions
to answer.  Please send your unique, thoughtful questions to

The Section Where Other People Write

Hey, if you want your interesting, intelligent article, list, poem,
story, or other such nonsense included here, send them to


Postcards from Potato Land
by PG

We're bracing for snow here in Potato Land.  Weather forecasters on all
the channels are usin' their new pointin' toys to make magic snowflakes
appear on the map right on top of where we live.

Black Rambo and Baby Horse will be happy cuz they've been sloggin' through
half-foot deep mud the past week.  And Ebony, the beeyoutifal black
Labrador, who's come in from the road, has been gettin' in trouble for
plantin' abstract mud swirls on everbody's pant legs and coat fronts.

It's been so warm.
And how warm has it been?
Well, since ya asked, I'll tell ya.
It's been so warm that those orange twine loops that usually sprout in the
spring around the barnyard have been poppin' up all over.  We hope they
don't grow too much and die, cuz we'd surely miss havin' a crop of them to
trip over next summer.

We need a good snow, cuz it would hide a myriad of bad-looking things that
blend in with the dead grass and the crumpled up leaves.

We're looking forward to snow because snowdrifts are always our banner
crop.  And since our snowblower exploded like all the other farm
macheenery, our neighbor Larry will be happy.  He will harvest the
snowdrifts and stack them up next to the road.  And people will drive by
and wonder if we're still alive in here.
And we'll be real happy because then we'll know the world cares.


May your spuds go thud in the snud!

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

These first 2 poems are quite appropriate
for the cold winter weather we are experiencing
here in Wisconsin...

I don't know

I don't know
Why it happens
It's nothing we can stop.
It comes again.
There are more than one.
Two hundred or more.
I cough,
I sneeze,
I cry,
As the cold germs invade my body.


Wisconsin Version of "Little Boy Blue"

The pigs got out of the pen
The cows broke the fence
The sheep are in the corn
Where's the boy who
looks after the sheep?
He's under a haystack
Froze to death.



A ripe red strawberry
Hangs from the
Lush green plant
In the middle of a field
In the middle of a farm
in the middle of a town
in the middle of Iowa



Knocked Out.
Brain damaged.




Diddley-Womp Porch Missiles!

1.  Cures Twisty Delirium
2.  Rids your yard of Coonzils
3.  Inverts all aardvarks within a 20 mile radius
4.  The explosion of one diddley-womp porch missile
creates 99 Dole banana stickers.
5.  Blowing up farm macheenery, of course!


We here at Farm Macheenery (exploding) came up with a brilliant
(yeah, right) scale to measure....uh, XX, what does it measure?
We never did figure that out.  Oh, well, we'll include it anyway.


Step 1:  Burn the bed.
Step 2:  Examine the color of the ashes.
Step 3:  Add up the points as follows:

Color           Points

Clear           1
White           2
Yellow          3
Beige           4
Tan             5
Light Brown     6
Medium Brown    7
Brown           8
Dark Brown      9
Black           10

Add 2 points for a Barbie head under the bed.
Add 3 points for a New Kids on the Block poster.
Add 5 points if the bed belongs to a Chia Pet salesman.


The time has come once again to get the heck outta here.  In keeping
with the last issue's ending notes, we will not say goodbye, rather
we will say "elephant".

:?)---  <--Elephant head on a stick

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