^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. firstname.lastname@example.org .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. werner) .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. email@example.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. issue #77 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ATTENTION! If you did not want this magazine, please email firstname.lastname@example.org. I lost the subscriber list, and the last backed up copy of it that I have is six months old. If you've unsubscribed since then, please tell me to delete your address again. If you know someone who has subscribed recently, please tell them to subscribe again. I apologize for any inconvenience. *** Quote from Elkvis (brother of melvan): "Needing help is okay as long as you never get it." Before we get on with the 'zine, we have an announcement. FME is two years old today, the 9th of October. And there was much rejoicing (yay). And yes, this issue is about 4 days late, but so what? At least it's been sent. This is the third attempt at FME Issue #77. Why? The reason deserves a column all its own. =-=-=-=-=-=-= = OH SNOP!! = =-=-=-=-=-=-= life's little annoyances... by melvan Once upon a time I bought a new hard drive from my brother. And I had so much space, I didn't know what to do with all of it. So I decided that in addition to Linux, I'd put a DOS partition on the drive. I asked my brother if formatting a partition of one drive would affect the rest of the drive and he said "It shouldn't." So I proceeded to format the partition. Not only did it format that one partition, but the whole hard drive...and the whole *other* hard drive. So I lost everything I had. By the time I got all the stuff back that I'd lost, I decided to try it again. This time, I was a little more careful and did only format the one partition of the one drive. But when I rebooted the computer and switched back to Linux, I discovered that it had corrupted a very important directory, that is, the /home directory. This is where half of my stuff is stored, i.e. issues of FME, the subscriber list, my mail, parodies, pictures, wav files, web pages that I'd been working on, Beward (an irc bot), and more stuff that I've forgotten because I lost it. Not only am I having hard drive problems lately. Here's more... My cdrom drive won't work. So I took my computer apart to see if I had any loose connections, and I cut my finger taking out the cdrom controller card. So I'm trying to type with a band aid on my left middle finger. So if you see any extra Cs, Ds, Es, or 3s in this issue, please excuse them. And when I put it back together and started it again, the cdrom drive STILL doesn't work. The new-old soundcard I just got isn't working yet. I dropped a 3.5 pound can of green olives on my foot at work last night and have a big bruise on it (the foot, not the can). Later that evening my manager told me I could leave after I'd put some stuff away. Ten minutes later, just as I'm getting it finished up, he comes to tell me "You're gonna have to stay for a while, there's a bus of 50 people coming in." My "new" car has a leaky tire. And a radio that needs to be replaced. That's right, I finally bought a car. For those of you who care, it's a black 4-door 1980 Chrysler LeBaron with reddish maroonish interior. And as soon as my license plates arrive in the mail, I can drive anywhere I please. Only days after my mom put plastic in the air conditioner to insulate it for winter, guess what happened? We got a heat wave and broke a 100 year old high temperature record. And that's all I have to say about that. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= = What Happened at eener's Wedding + +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= Actually, a funny thing happened this week. After I (melvan) had already written my version of what happened at the wedding, I received in an email from eener her version of the same thing. So here we have two points of view of Renee's wedding. --- eener's version --- Yes...I am now an old, married lady! :-) And loving every minute of it! You can call me eener Werner. The wedding was great! Wish you all could have been there. For those of you who didn't know, melvan was my maid of honor. She looked just be-yoot-iful in the pink bridesmaid dress with roses on it! [melvan notes: How dare you say such a thing about me!] Here's a much abridged version of the wedding.... The day before the wedding....Yiiiiiiiiii! Freak out time! There were several people from the wedding party who were flying in on the standby passes that Darin (my hubby) and I get for working for Delta. In fact, the preacher and the best man were a couple of those people! Yikes! To make a long story short, the preacher got there *late* the night before the wedding, and the best man got in about an HOUR before the wedding. (or somewhere near that) Darin's sister and brother in law also flew in on a pass, and by the time they got there they said we oughtta pay 'em for coming! (they did get there in time for the wedding, luckily! Heh heh...) I think we were possessed to have people flying in standby on labor day weekend. Aw well! Happily, everyone who was supposed to get there, got there! Hooray! (And there was much rejoicing) Oh! One more note...the rehearsal was interesting, without the pastor...and without the best man! Hahaha! We had Darin's dad be the preacher's stand-in...and my cousin's boyfriend was the best man....whew! What a night!! (har!) The day of the wedding went VERY fast! For any of you who've gotten married, I think you'll agree with me here...it goes super fast. Friends and relatives everywhere...and trying to talk to 'em all! It sure was good to see everyone. Another special thing was that my grandparents sang a song at my wedding! It was a very happy day! I married a very wonderful man- caring,considerate, loving (*insert romantic violin music here*)..and he's just as wacky as me! I told him I never would have married him if he had been sane! (oh-and he's cute too! *wink*) We went to Stuttgart, Germany for our honeymoon...very beautiful! Parks, fountains, castles....very romantic!! The only things that we didn't like about Stuttgart: Coke costs an arm and a leg over there! No...not coke the drug, silly! Coke the beverage! (har har...) Also, in some places, you have to *pay* to use public toilets! Phooey. Other than that, we loved Germany! There was one experience that I should write up for the "Oh snop" column though...naw, I'll tell you about it right now. (aren't you excited?) We took a train all the way to Fussen, Germany to see a beautiful castle. We got there in plenty of time before the castle tours closed. However, by the time we figured out where to go to get to the top of the mountain to see the castle, it was too late! And we rode on a train for hours! Eeeek! Nevertheless, we made the best of it. We walked up the mountain, on the road, and saw the outside of the castle. It was beautiful...and we took lots of photos and video! Well, I could ramble on some more, but let's get on with the rest of the 'zine!! --- melvan's version --- This is actually the third time I've had to write this (or maybe the fourth? Whatever.) But anyway, I'm sure you'll all want to hear about it. The wedding was Saturday, August 30 at 1 pm. I arrived at the church Friday afternoon at about 4:30 to help decorate for the reception. Darin was just leaving to pick Renee up from the motel, and he told me the following: The best man was stuck in Dallas. The pastor was stuck in Cincinatti. Darin's sister & her husband were stuck in Cincinatti. Darin's tuxedo hadn't arrived yet. The rehearsal was to begin at 6 pm. We actually did have the rehearsal. Darin's dad stood in as the pastor, and Renee's cousin Erin's boyfriend stood in as the best man. The pastor (Dave Hart, a FME subscriber) and Darin's sister arrived later that night. The best man arrived fifteen minutes before the ceremony started. During the ceremony, Darin and Renee were supposed to light a unity candle. So they took the matches and lit two separate candles, then they attempted lighting the unity candle. But the candle had other plans. It did not want to light. The base of Darin's candle fell of and made a nice THUD on the floor. Finally after much trying, Darin turned around and said "I hope we unify a little better than our candle." A few minutes later, when Renee's grandparents were singing, Renee and Darin were facing the audience and acting silly. And I heard Darin say "I'm glad they wired me for the video, they're gonna LOVE this." At the reception, Todd (the best man) stood up and gave a toast. He finished it up with "Long life, long love, many children" to which Darin responded "Can we talk about that last one?" Renee threw the bouquet, and Amber (also a FME subscriber) caught it. Later Darin said that when he tossed the garter, the only single guy he could find was Amber's boyfriend.... After everything in the church was cleaned up, Darin told me "You haven't lost your best friend, you've gained a pain in the butt." And then when we all finally left the building, we spotted the rental car. Renee's sister made a "Just Married" sign, and her brother blew up some latex gloves and taped them to the back of the car. When they left the parking lot, it looked like the gloves were waving. And there was much rejoicing. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = URGENT FME NEWS = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I (melvan) looked at a box in the freezer at work the other day, and read "Grilled Cooked Dead Chicken." I thought that was kinda redundant, and then I looked again, and it said "Grilled Cooked DICED Chicken." Silly me. Then tonight (Friday), I looked at the name on an order I was making and it said "Melissa." Hmm...so I'm ordering pizzas behind my own back now? What the hick? And since when do I like mushrooms and black olives anyway? I'll have to have a nice long chat with myself about this.... Oh...this column is for news, isn't it? Well, here's news...melvan's new address is email@example.com =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Wise Sage = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** The Wise Sage never rests! Well, actually she does, but "The Wise Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column, now would it? Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to firstname.lastname@example.org The Wise Sage has recently had a lobotomy...we appreciate your patience while she grows a new brain.... This wasn't a Wise Sage question, but it was asked, so it deserves an answer. Sean asked what the initials in our names stood for. Renee Fred Werner Melissa Cletus Hoffmeyer Wait, that doesn't look right... Renee Farley Werner Melissa Caesar Hoffmeyer Hmm, still not quite right... Renee Faith Werner Melissa Carrie Hoffmeyer There...that's better. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Fruit Bats in Your Toilet = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to email@example.com Many many many thanks to Weird Alex, who sent me the following parody three times after I'd lost it.... Cyber Geek ---------- A parody of Jesus Freak by dcTalk Parody Lyrics by Weird Alex Separated, I cut myself free From the network that lags me when I download big things Been understanding this new IRC force And a setup that replaced all the servers of course! (rap) Saw a man there next to me with a big fat belly It wiggled around like marmalade jelly It took me a while to catch what he said Cause I had to synchronize with the lag in my head Download .wav's is what he raved In a typical cyber-means He hooked up to the net in the middle of the city And he started having dreams... (Chorus) What will people think when they hear that I'm a cybergeek? What will people do when they find out it's true? I don't really care if they label me a cyber geek There ain't no disguising the truth Kamikaze... it split again So now I have to start downloading again The athletic-minded see me as weak Cuz I'd much rather be just a dull cyber geek, yeah (rap) There was a man from the desert with spam in his head He connected himself to the Net from his bed The chats that he made made people assume There wasn't much firing in the upper room With crumbs on his shirt and crumbs on his face He was a disgrace by the way that he ate And everybody tripped when they heard him speak Cuz then they too wanted to be cyber geeks (chorus) (bridge) People say I'm strange, does this just make me stranger That I surf the web like a lone ranger (repeat bridge) (modem solo) (chorus out) What will people think? What will people do? I don't really care What else can I say? Hacking is the way.... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I wrote this poem twice already, and this is the last time I'm going to write it. Car Ownership ------------- Hello, rearview mirror I never again have to adjust... Hello, driver's seat I never again have to move forward... Hello, armrest I never again have to raise... Hello, car I can drive anywhere and anytime I want... Goodbye, money... melvan ---- The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Werner and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that), regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh bananas.