Issue #74, 15 June 1997

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #74 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

Why do they call it rush hour traffic if it's so slow?
Why do they call them red onions when they're actually purple?
On headphones, they always say R for the right side and L for the left.
If you put them on backwards, does the music come out backwards?

Anyway...welcome to FME Issue #74.  What's in this issue, you ask?

1.  Nothing.
2.  More nothing.
3.  Still more of nothing.


HEY!  eener flew up to Wisconsin this weekend and stopped to visit melvan.
The following issue may make no sense, but you're used to that, right?

But we start it all off with a dream melvan had on the morning of June 13,
1997.  Perhaps the fact that it was Friday the 13th has something to do
with the strangeness of the dream...or perhaps it was because I was up
till 3 am and worked 6 hours the previous night....

It was renee's wedding.  I was sitting on the bleachers (Bleachers at a
wedding?  In a church?  Hmmmm...must be a redneck wedding) by my aunt &
uncle (Renee & Darin have never met this particular aunt & uncle; why
would they be at their wedding?  Hmm?)  Then these snotty 13-14 year old
girls (I think they were supposedly my aunt & uncle's granddaughters; i.e.
my second-cousins) came & told me I had to move because that was where
THEY always sat.  Then some of the people in the wedding party came out
(Darin came over to where I was sitting to have my aunt tie his tie or
something???)  So then I left because I was part of the wedding party, and
I should've been with them in the first place.  My mom was with the
bridesmaids and asked me where I'd been earlier because she'd been looking
for me.  Had I come to the church straight from work?  Yup.  (Work the day
of the wedding?  Uhhh...no thanks.)  Had I been here the whole time?  Yup.
(Funny that I hadn't even seen the bridesmaids' dresses till then...)
Then I was in the aisle in the church. Then the next thing i remember is
being in my house the next day telling my brother that I didn't remember
anything at all about the wedding.  Then I remembered I had dreamed the
part about my aunt & uncle and the bleachers and everything.  (A dream
within a dream...hmmmmm).  Then I was at a bus stop, and there was a
person sitting on the bench who looked like a big plastic Barney, but
acted and sounded like Forrest Gump.  And then Barney Gump walked away and
I couldn't remember what his name was.

What made this even more strange is that Thursday night while I was
cleaning out my computer desk, I found some old poetry, stories, & ideas
for FME.  One was to put Forrest Gump in ATTB.  Then I thought, "Forrest
Gump played by Howard (who is played by Barney)...uhhhhh......"

Perhaps it's a premonition?  Do you all think I'm psycho yet?  Don't
answer that....


=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= OH SNOP!! =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

life's little annoyances...

by melvan

So anyway, I was at work on Friday the 13th.  I got there at 11 am.  Lunch
was pretty busy.  Then it was dead till 4 pm.  I was the only cook.  I got
swamped with orders.  I made about 5 orders and put them in the oven, then
more orders came in, and by the time I got them done, the first 5 orders
were getting backed up in the oven, so I had to go cut them before they
fell off the end of the oven.  They do do that sometimes.  Anyway, so it
took me about 10 minutes to get caught up on the oven, and by then there
were orders that were 10 minutes overdue...and of course everyone else was
busy too (waitresses & managers & drivers) so they didn't have time to
help cook.  Then when other cooks showed up early, they couldn't clock in
early and help out, they had to stand in the back and talk & smoke.
Meanwhile I'm working my butt off trying to get all the orders done...

So finally the other cooks clocked in and we got caught up.  An hour later
we were backed up again because one of our ovens is broke.  We do have
another oven in the back of the store, but noooo, we couldn't turn that
one on and use it....  Anyway...we were stuffing pizzas in so close
together that you couldn't get anything in the little side door when you
needed to.  And then, to top it all off, the guy who was doing the pasta
(a manager) came and told me that I would have to do pasta because he
didn't have time to do it anymore.  I was very happy to get out of
there....  Oh well, at least nobody turned off the "Friday night time
machine" (aka the radio show which is all 80's music for 6 hours :)

And now for another "Oh Snop" by eener....

Aaargh!  I just wish to complain about the icky weather we've had in
Atlanta for two weeks straight.  (Not to mention, I'm having a hick of a
time trying to type on melvan's keyboard!!  Eeeeek...everything seems to
get jiggled aroumd and come out in the wrong orrrder)  Anyway0 in regards
to the wethearrrja;sdl (oh fergit it...i'm tired of backspacking) (this
reminds me of lettersd melvan used to write me on a broken typewriter-they
were an endless source of entertainment for me...typos everywhere!!!!)
Ahem.  Back to the point.  We've had rain for two weeks straight!
Gloomy...no sun.  We had *one* day with sun and 90 degrees, then it went
straight back to rain.  I like rain...but not t29wo straight weeks of it.
*grumblegrumble*

comment from melvan: hey, it's fun watching eener try to type....







=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= As the Tractor Burns... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

STARRING:

Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

Last week on ATTB, the gang went for a trip through the human body in the
movie "Innerspace."  Buffy, Esmerelda, and Al fainted when they met Elvis.
The Evil Taxi Driver reappeared to drive the submarine out through the
belly button.

This week on ATTB, something will happen, only we don't know what yet,
because somebody stole melvan's brain.  Have you seen it?  If found,
please don't return it.

Raul: (waving hands frantically in front of Esmerelda) Wake up!!
Esmerelda:  Huh?  Where am I?
Buffy: (waking up)  Where did Elvis go?
Howard:  Who cares, I just want to go home!
Al:  Home?
I.M.:  Home?
Raul:  Home?
Howard:  Yeah, I said I want to go home!
Esmerelda:  Wow...this is the first time in the history of ATTB that
anyone has actually wanted to go home.
Raul:  The second time.  The first time this taxi driver kidnapped us,
remember?
Taxi Driver:  Kidnapped you?  That wasn't me...that was my evil twin.
Howard:  You have an evil twin?
Taxi Driver:  (looks puzzled) Yeah, doesn't everyone?
Buffy:  Oh, of course!  My evil twin is Granny from the Beverly
Hillbillies.
I.M.:  My evil twin played football.
Esmerelda:  I.M., you're your own evil twin.
I.M.:  I am not!  Take that back!  I'm innocent!
(Suddenly the Evil Taxi Driver disappears in a poof of greenish bluish
pinkish smoke)
Al:  Hey...where did he go?  He was supposed to drive us home...
Howard:  Close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and say
"There's no place like home."
Raul:  Hmm, let's try it.  It worked for Dorothy & Toto...
(Raul closes his eyes and clicks his heels together)
Raul:  There's no place like home.  There's no place like home.
(Suddenly Raul dissapears in a poof of gray smoke)
Al:  Whoa!  It worked!  Let me try!
(Al closes his eyes and clicks his heels together)
Al:  There's no place like home.  There's no place like home.
(Al disappears in a poof of purple smoke)

Next time on ATTB, we'll find out just where Al, Raul, and the Evil Taxi
Driver have gone....


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

melvan was surfing the web and found some interesting pages...

*** Dave Barry Archive - http://www.herald.com/tropic/barry/

Dave Barry columns, duh :)

*** The Slightly Less than Official Spork Page - http://www.spork.org

Tells you exactly what a spork is, what you can do with it, etc.

*** Gallery of Lawn Ornaments -
http://www.arch.buffalo.edu/~tasman/virtual_cheektowaga_gallery.html

Pink flamingoes, dwarf bears, windmills, Elvis mailboxes...the only thing
I didn't see on this page was the "Yard Butt" (eener's term)

*** Virtual Bubble Wrap - http://www.mackerel.com/bubble.html

Everyone loves bubble wrap (or, as me & eener call it, "popping paper").
Unfortunately, since you need a Shockwave plugin to view this site, and
they don't make one for Linux Netscape (grrrrrr), I was unable to pop the
bubble wrap...

comment from eener:  Ooooh!  I LOVE popping paper!!

*** The Geek Code - http://krypton.mankato.msus.edu/~hayden/geek.html

Perhaps you've already heard of it and figured yours out.  If you haven't,
do so.

*** Bulletin Board -
http://www.pioneerplanet.com/entertainment/bulletinboard/

This is the best part of the St. Paul Pioneer Press.  So go read it!

recommendations from eener:  don't hang plaster clarinets on your wall.

rebuttal from melvan:  why not?

response from eener:  if you had a bad dream in the middle of the night
and started sleep-walking around your room...you could run into the wall,
and the plaster clarinet would fall down and impale you.  what a way to
die.

response from melvan:  i don't sleep-walk.

reply from eener:  then it must've been your clone i saw walking down the
highway in the middle of the night....and attempting to play...a plaster
clarinet!!  (oh never mind...this is going nowhere)

says melvan:  you've been sniffing kool-aid dust again, haven't you? or
have you just been using the metric system too much?

conclusion:  /////////

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  URGENT FME NEWS  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

ATTENTION Anyone who would like to order the #Bannertape (aka the tape of
parodies Weird Alex recorded in the $1.39 studio) please send $4 to:

Rachel Elliott
4021 SE 115th
Portland, OR 97266

Also...melvan's dad bought a car this weekend (a 1973 Chrysler something
or other, it starts with an N, that's all I remember)...it's big, it's
maroon, and Elkvis named it "Bubba".

I'm glad my dad got a car before I bought one...because I want to name my
car and I DON'T want to call it Bubba.

Suggestions, anyone?


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Wise Sage  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com

The wise sage notes:  I've had several intelligent and mind-bending
questions emailed to me recently. I have been pondering them with utmost
concentration for several weeks.  I hope to print the answers to these
questions in this issue.  I hope the truths that are revealed by the
answers to these questions move you deeply.  (and if they do...buy
metamucil...or maybe pepto bismol)

Umm...well, sorry guys, melvan got a little excited and sent the issue
before the Wise Sage letters arrived.  They'll be in the next issue....


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@wildstar.net

This was sent to us by Kristi Cates.

Just a really stupid little thing I wrote the other day while in a
creative mood (or was that destructive? Oh well...)

It's a test for insaneness--is that a word?  Here it goes!

1. Do you want to be an Oscar Meyer weiner? (yes; no; I would rather be a
piece of duct tape)

2. What does two plus two REALLY equal? (5; 3; an imaginary number, you
know, like that six figure job you keep expecting to get)

3. Are blueberries your friend? (yes; no; what are they)

4. If a Smurf were choking, what color would it turn? (pink; orange and
green; yellow with purple polka dots)

5. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
(approximately fifteen miles deeper; 79 seconds deeper; so THAT's where
they went to; I think a Smurf should turn white)

6. When your pet bird sees you reading the paper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there staring at carpeting? (No; yes; MY bird is too
busy studying biochemical physics, what's YOUR bird doing with his time?)

If you answered all of the above with: "Aunt Ruth has the constipation",
then, yes, you ARE insane! (bet you're thrilled)


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


Mattress Tag
------------

I hide
in fear, as the
police invade
the house...
I hold the offending
evidence...
the mattress tag
dangles from my quivering
fingers...
forgive me...
My grandmother
was
a
weedwhacker.

eener

We are rerunning the poem "Mental Hygiene" because melvan felt like it. :)

Mental Hygiene
--------------

Today I bought some mental floss
And stuck it in my ear.
It came right out the other side
And now I cannot hear.
I then got in my little car
And tried my best to steer.
To my chagrin into the road
There ran a stoopid deer!
I swerved and swerved and missed him but
I stripped the steenking gears.
I swerved again and boom-de-boom
I knocked a mailbox clear
Into Iowa, where all the corn
Blew into a pier.
The farmer wipes away a tear,
Sips a beer,
And jumps off the pier.
The end is near
The end is here.
Do not fear.
Sit on your rear.
And turn that bug
Into a smear.

eener & melvan

----

The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at
http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.

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