^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. firstname.lastname@example.org .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. email@example.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. issue #74 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ Here we are, slacking again... We will begin this issue with a commentary about life at Pizza Hut (don't you all just love these?) We have big brooms at Pizza Hut. Every time we get a new one, somebody writes something on it. So in the last year, we have had brooms with names like "Big Man", "Velvet Snake", "Beast Master", and the newest one, "Super Fly". And now...new airlines from the mind of eener... Air Garfield: All the planes are painted orange with black stripes. Lasagna is served on all flights. All pilots are required to wear a Jon Arbuckle suit. Psycho Air: Tired of long, boring flights? Fly Psycho Air! All of our pilots and flight crews are recruited from asylums, in an attempt to lessen crowding in said asylums. With a crew like this, it'll keep you on the edge of your seat - will you reach your destination?? P-n-B Airlines: P-n-B stands for Pinky and the Brain! This is their latest attempt to take over the world...to monopolize the airline business and make millions of dollars. Brain pilots the aircrafts ("Hello. I am your pilot. I'm really a lab mouse in a plot to take over the world...enjoy your flight.") Pinky provides in-flight entertainment as well as performing flight attendant duties. ("Would you like something to drink? NARF!") Taylor Airways: Owned and operated by Steve Taylor, musical artist. All the planes are designed with "John 3:16" logos - Bannerplanes! Taylor's tunes are featured during the in-flight music - Taylor's videos are featured on some of the in-flight movies. Passengers get a discount on tickets if they sacrifice their copy of "Chagall Guevara". Northern Southern Western Eastern Airlines: We couldn't decide which direction we wanted to go, so we decided to compromise and name our airline to cover all possibilities! =-=-=-=-=-=-= = OH SNOP!! = =-=-=-=-=-=-= life's little annoyances... by melvan Thursday morning I woke up with a cold. Sore throat, stuffed up nose, backache, headache. Friday morning I decided to go shopping and get some cough syrup. And some other stuff. So I got in the car and went to Shopko, then to the grocery store and got some lunch. When I returned home, I noticed the little light blinking on the answering machine. It was a message from eener saying that she & her mom were in town and going out to lunch, and that they were going to invite me along with them, but I wasn't home...ACK! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = As the Tractor Burns... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= STARRING: Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew Roseanne - as Esmerelda O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen Princess Di - as Buffy Last time on ATTB, something happened, only it's been so long that we've forgotten what it was. This week on ATTB, the characters have been kidnapped and trapped inside the movie "Innerspace", where they are (shrunk? shrunken? whatever), put inside a miniature submarine, and take a trip through the human body. For this episode only, As the Tractor Burns will be renamed As the Stomach Churns. Raul: What the heck is going on? Why are we so small? Why are we in a submarine? And why am I wearing two different colored socks? Buffy: Because you dressed yourself in the dark, silley. Esmerelda: Buffy? Why did you spell that with an 'e'? Buffy: Because I wanted to. Al: I'm a male-type. I.M.: Whoa! Look at that thing outside the window! What is that? Howard: I think it's a blood cell. Raul: No, I think it's part of a braunschweiger & jam sandwich that this guy ate. Buffy: EEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! Esmerelda: I think I'm gonna throw up. Al: If you're gonna spew, spew in this (hands Esmerelda a bucket) Esmerelda: Thanks. Raul: Hey, can we stop talking about stupid stuff and try to figure out a way out of here? Howard: Sure we can. How do we get out of here? I.M.: Yeah, what he said. Raul: I don't know, that's why I asked you guys to help me. Esmerelda: What is this? A guy asking for directions? Raul: What? No! Never! No way! I know how to get out of here! Now if I could just figure out how to drive this submarine... (Suddenly, the Evil Taxi Driver appears in a poof of blue smoke) Taxi Driver: I know how to drive this submarine! Esmerelda: Then get us out of here! I.M.: Yeah, what she said. Taxi Driver: Okay, hang on, we're going for a ride! (The submarine suddenly shoots out through the belly button at light speed, enlarges, and crashes into a brick wall) Raul: Whoa...what a ride... (Suddenly Elvis appears at the crash site) Esmerelda: Wow...it's Elvis! Buffy: Elvis! I love your music! Elvis: Thankyou...thankyouverymuch. (Buffy faints) (Esmerelda faints) (Al faints) Raul: Sheesh, it's only a hologram... (Suddenly Elvis disappears in a red poof of smoke) I.M.: Wow...those special effects really move me *sob* *choke* Howard: Um...yeah, whatever. Next time on ATTB, maybe the women & Al will wake up... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = URGENT FME NEWS = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= AHEM...attention everyone, we have two announcements this week. First of all, if you aren't going to have email over the summer months and you'd prefer to unsubscribe, please tell us now. Thank you. Second, eener is getting married in August, and melvan is going to be in the wedding. So we'll both be pretty busy this summer, and FME may be getting to you less often. I can hear you saying "Less often? Is this possible?" Well, the answer is yes. It COULD be not coming to you at all, so don't complain. ;) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Wise Sage = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** The Wise Sage never rests! Well, actually she does, but "The Wise Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column, now would it? Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to firstname.lastname@example.org Dear Wise Sage: Madam Sage, whoooooooose idea was it to have such a drastic tupo as: Narrator:....*sob* But then my business went bankrupt...and I was all alone...with not even a pink lawn flaming to keep me company....*sob* I mean, of course the Narrator's lawn business went out of business! First, he decided that he would specialize (apparently) in Pink Lawns.. I don't know about you, but I've never seen a pink lawn.. well, 'cept for that crazy rich person's house down the street on valentine's day, but that doesn't really count. Then he apparently decided that his idea of lawn ornamentation was to flame them? ah, silley typical male-type. The So#M Queen betrothed *ALMOST* as many times as you know whooooooo, turned particularly owlish while speaking to Madam Wise Sage, to attempt to match her intellegence. PS.. if he disappears in a blue poof of smoke, does that mean he moved from pink lawns to blue lawns? Dear So#M Queen, The Narrator *actually* specialized in regular lawns, but they looked pink to him, because he was wearing rose-colored glasses! P.S. I want a shrubbery!! Wise Sage =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Fruit Bats in Your Toilet = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to email@example.com There's nothing here this week. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Winter ------ Shivering Shaking Quivering It's so cold the thermometer BROKE Icicles Snow drifts I wash my hair walk out the door It freezes Gosh I'm glad I live in Atlanta eener, who loves the south...except for the cockroaches Lunch ----- My wooden teeth give me splinters when I eat solid food. Corn pone. melvan ---- The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that), regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh bananas.