^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. email@example.com .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. firstname.lastname@example.org ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. issue #72 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ G'day everyone!! We would like to welcome you to this week's Fme, which has been lovingly hand-crafted and constructed in Hong Kong. (Hong Kong? We've never even been there...hmm.....) At this time, we would like to invite you all to join us as we celebrate cultural diversity. Um...we're all different. Some of us like to blow our noses on kleenexes. Some prefer toilet paper. Some will even use paper towels. This is what makes the world so interesting today. So as you go out into this exciting world...don't squeeze the Charmin! THIS WEEK'S POLITICALLY CORRECT STATEMENT: This issue was written two days before Earth Day. Aren't you impressed? **W A R N I N G** Attention! The writers are either running low on creative juices or have been inhaling pixi stix dust or they've been sniffing Kool-Aid dust. ATTENTION! The following may confuse you. It may enrage you. It may cause you to enroll in a Weight-loss program operated by aliens from Planet X. It may cause you to jump up and down and scream like a banshee. It may also cause you to join a convent or a monastery. (ha ha! eener says: now it was MY turn to correct a tupo by melvan!!) =-=-=-=-=-=-= = OH SNOP!! = =-=-=-=-=-=-= life's little annoyances... And this week we have yet another complaint by eener. Hellooooo everybody! When I came and visited melvan in Wisconsin I noticed something. Warmness. Lack of snow. Do you know what this means? I can no longer tease her because I live in Atlanta, and she lives in the frozen tundra...*sob* =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = As the Tractor Burns... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= STARRING: Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew Roseanne - as Esmerelda O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen Princess Di - as Buffy Last week the cast (sort of) parodied "Gone with the Wind"....what mischief will they get into this week? Narrator: *AHEM* Okay...I hardly got to say anything last week, so I'm making up for it this week. First of all, let me introduce myself. My name is Izzy N. Sane. I once had a job as a cook at Kentucky Fried Chicken...I chose to pursue other career options later on in life and became a lawn ornament manufacturer. Buffy: Who *is* this guy??? Esmerelda: I have no ideaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn.... I.M.: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... Al: Um...I think I was supposed to be the sound effects person last week and I didn't get a chance to do *anything,* so I plan to make up for it this week as well! Al: Hey, where did that come from? I thought I sold that... Raul: Geez, this is boring. How about some cameo appearances or something...? Narrator:...after I became a lawn ornament manufacturer, things really changed in my life....I was courted by rich and famous people.... Howard: Would someone PLEASE get a different narrator?????? Narrator:....*sob* But then my business went bankrupt...and I was all alone...with not even a pink lawn flaming to keep me company....*sob* Cast: Ding dong the wicked witch is dead...ding dong the wicked witch is dead!!!!! Scarecrow: If I only had a brain.... Buffy: I.M., over the course of this episode, I've fallen in love with you! Will you marry me??? I.M.: Uhhh....but you dumped me last time when you found out my name stood for In Metric! Howard: Do I get to be Worst Man again? ...join us next time for the wedding of the century?... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Editor's Reccomendations... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= We reccomend throwing your dog out your window. Just to see what happens. Just be sure the fleas on its back aren't harmed. If they are, you could be investigated by the F.B.I. (The flea bureau of investigation) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = URGENT FME NEWS = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= We have no news. We have no brains. We have no bananas. We have no Kleenex. We have no carpet. We have no sphygmomanometers. We have no ice in our freezers. We have no. Oh, and eener can't type. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Wise Sage = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** The Wise Sage never rests! Well, actually she does, but "The Wise Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column, now would it? Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to email@example.com =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Fruit Bats in Your Toilet = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to firstname.lastname@example.org Bannerman --------- To the tune of Piano Man (Billy Joel) Parody by Weird Alex It's eight pm on a monday night The regular crowd shuffles in There's a man, at a puter in front of me Finding words that rhyme well with chin I said, man, can you write me a parody I'm not sure how to do one of those Make it short, make it sweet But please make it complete Cuz I wanna sing one of those La la la di di da La la la la di di da da dum Sing us a song, you on #bannerman! Sing us a song, tonight! For we're all in the mood for a parody! And you got us feeling alright! Now Beld, on the chan, he's a friend of me He gets me my bots for free He's slow to the chat, but quick with a clue bat But there's someplace that he'd rather be... He says, Qaz, I believe this is killing me As the smile disappeared from his face This chatting is fine that I do all the time, But there's no Pepsi here in this place! La la la di di da La la la di di da da dum (Chorus) Now eener's a ticket saleswoman Who's too busy with her job for a life But she doesn't care cuz pretty soon Darin's taking her to be his wife And the Iowans raving like lunatics While melvan, she generates clones We all spend too much time here on IRC But it's better than being alone! (Chorus) It's a pretty good crowd for a Monday night And the chan ops all give me a smile Though I know it's not me that they've come here to see I think I'll just stay for a while And the control-g's sound like a carnival And elkvis, he smells like root beer And the folks on the chan give each other a hand And say man, sure is nice to be here! La la la di di da La la la di di da da dum... (chorus) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Pollen ------ Yellow. it covers the cars in the parking lot. My car, which once was red is now Yellow. Sneeze. I sneeze when the pollen invades my system. The pollen... yellow. The phlegm... yellow. It slides down my throat and my voice is gone. sneeze. Yellow. eener Pie --- *SPLAT* melvan Artist - Zoinks! Snithering blinkets of eener- who notes, obviously it was abstract art. * melvan notes: eener is insane. * eener notes: melvan collects...deo....dodaga...coins. (no fair! Those words were put into my mouth..er...fingers) (wordS? only the last one) (psgetti?) (42) Dentist ------- Whizzzzzzzz Whirrrrrrrrrrr the piece of equipment is flashed before my eyes. Fear. Whizzzzzzzzzz! It moves towards me... My mouth is open. Gaping. Filled with wads of cotton. And then of course... he tries to make conversation with me. "So...how are you doing today?" he asks? The equipment buzzes and whirs... "Mmmmph" I answer. "Good to hear that!" He enthusiastically proclaims. The cotton is starting to feel icky in my mouth and suddenly my nose starts to itch... I obssess over it... I MUST itch my nose..... Itchy...itchy.... "So...do you have any fun weekend plans?" He asks. "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmph!" I answer. "Great idea!" He answers back. And then the entire scene disappears. Because. This poem is too long already. eener...who spent lots of time with the dentist because of years of wearing braces...oooo, fun ---- The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that), regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh bananas. Go away. There's no subliminal message this week.