Issue #72, 27 April 1997

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #72 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

G'day everyone!!  We would like to welcome you to this week's Fme, which
has been lovingly hand-crafted and constructed in Hong Kong.  (Hong Kong?
We've never even been there...hmm.....)

At this time, we would like to invite you all to join us as we celebrate
cultural diversity.  Um...we're all different.  Some of us like to blow
our noses on kleenexes.  Some prefer toilet paper.  Some will even use
paper towels.  This is what makes the world so interesting today.  So as
you go out into this exciting world...don't squeeze the Charmin!

THIS WEEK'S POLITICALLY CORRECT STATEMENT:  This issue was written two
days before Earth Day.  Aren't you impressed?

**W A R N I N G**

Attention!  The writers are either running low on creative juices or have
been inhaling pixi stix dust or they've been sniffing Kool-Aid dust.
ATTENTION!  The following may confuse you.  It may enrage you.  It may
cause you to enroll in a Weight-loss program operated by aliens from
Planet X.  It may cause you to jump up and down and scream like a banshee.
It may also cause you to join a convent or a monastery.  (ha ha!  eener
says:  now it was MY turn to correct a tupo by melvan!!)


=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= OH SNOP!! =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

life's little annoyances...

And this week we have yet another complaint by eener.

Hellooooo everybody!  When I came and visited melvan in Wisconsin I
noticed something.  Warmness.  Lack of snow.  Do you know what this
means?  I can no longer tease her because I live in Atlanta, and she lives
in the frozen tundra...*sob*

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= As the Tractor Burns... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

STARRING:

Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

Last week the cast (sort of) parodied "Gone with the Wind"....what
mischief will they get into this week?

Narrator:  *AHEM*  Okay...I hardly got to say anything last week, so I'm
making up for it this week.  First of all, let me introduce myself.  My
name is Izzy N. Sane.  I once had a job as a cook at Kentucky Fried
Chicken...I chose to pursue other career options later on in life and
became a lawn ornament manufacturer.
Buffy:   Who *is* this guy???
Esmerelda:  I have no ideaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn....
I.M.:  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Al:  Um...I think I was supposed to be the sound effects person last week
and I didn't get a chance to do *anything,* so I plan to make up for it
this week as well!

Al:  Hey, where did that come from?  I thought I sold that...
Raul:  Geez, this is boring.  How about some cameo appearances or
something...?
Narrator:...after I became a lawn ornament manufacturer, things really
changed in my life....I was courted by rich and famous people....
Howard:  Would someone PLEASE get a different narrator??????
Narrator:....*sob* But then my business went bankrupt...and I was all
alone...with not even a pink lawn flaming to keep me company....*sob*


Cast:  Ding dong the wicked witch is dead...ding dong the wicked witch is
dead!!!!!
Scarecrow: If I only had a brain....
Buffy:    I.M.,  over the course of this episode, I've
fallen in love with you!  Will you marry me???
I.M.:  Uhhh....but you dumped me last time when you found out my name
stood for In Metric!
Howard:  Do I get to be Worst Man again?

...join us next time for the wedding of the century?...


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

We reccomend throwing your dog out your window.  Just to see what happens.
Just be sure the fleas on its back aren't harmed.  If they are, you could
be investigated by the F.B.I.  (The flea bureau of investigation)


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  URGENT FME NEWS  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

We have no news.  We have no brains.  We have no bananas.  We have no
Kleenex.  We have no carpet.  We have no sphygmomanometers.  We have no
ice in our freezers.  We have no.

Oh, and eener can't type.


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Wise Sage  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@wildstar.net

Bannerman
---------
To the tune of Piano Man (Billy Joel)
Parody by Weird Alex

 It's eight pm on a monday night
 The regular crowd shuffles in
 There's a man, at a puter in front of me
 Finding words that rhyme well with chin
 I said, man, can you write me a parody
 I'm not sure how to do one of those
 Make it short, make it sweet
 But please make it complete
 Cuz I wanna sing one of those

 La la la di di da
 La la la la di di da da dum

 Sing us a song, you on #bannerman!
 Sing us a song, tonight!
 For we're all in the mood for a parody!
 And you got us feeling alright!

 Now Beld, on the chan, he's a friend of me
 He gets me my bots for free
 He's slow to the chat, but quick with a clue bat
 But there's someplace that he'd rather be...
 He says, Qaz, I believe this is killing me
 As the smile disappeared from his face
 This chatting is fine that I do all the time,
 But there's no Pepsi here in this place!

 La la la di di da
 La la la di di da da dum

 (Chorus)

 Now eener's a ticket saleswoman
 Who's too busy with her job for a life
 But she doesn't care cuz pretty soon
 Darin's taking her to be his wife

 And the Iowans raving like lunatics
 While melvan, she generates clones
 We all spend too much time here on IRC
 But it's better than being alone!

 (Chorus)

 It's a pretty good crowd for a Monday night
 And the chan ops all give me a smile
 Though I know it's not me that they've come here to see
 I think I'll just stay for a while
 And the control-g's sound like a carnival
 And elkvis, he smells like root beer
 And the folks on the chan give each other a hand
 And say man, sure is nice to be here!

 La la la di di da
 La la la di di da da dum...

 (chorus)


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


Pollen
------

Yellow.
it covers the cars
in the parking lot.
My car,
which once was red is now
Yellow.
Sneeze.
I sneeze when the pollen
invades my system.  The pollen...
yellow.
The phlegm...
yellow.
It slides down my throat and my voice is
gone.
sneeze.
Yellow.

eener

Pie
---

*SPLAT*

melvan

Artist
-
Zoinks!
Snithering blinkets of

eener- who notes, obviously it was abstract art.

* melvan notes:  eener is insane.

* eener notes:  melvan collects...deo....dodaga...coins.
(no fair!  Those words were put into my mouth..er...fingers)
(wordS? only the last one)
(psgetti?)
(42)

Dentist
-------

Whizzzzzzzz
Whirrrrrrrrrrr
the piece of equipment
is flashed before my eyes.
Fear.
Whizzzzzzzzzz!
It moves towards me...
My mouth is open.
Gaping.
Filled with wads of cotton.
And then of course...
he tries to make conversation
with me.
"So...how are you doing today?"
he asks?
The equipment buzzes and whirs...
"Mmmmph"
I answer.
"Good to hear that!"
He enthusiastically proclaims.
The cotton is starting to feel
icky in my mouth
and suddenly my
nose
starts to itch...
I obssess over it...
I MUST itch my nose.....
Itchy...itchy....
"So...do you have any fun weekend plans?"
He asks.
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmph!"
I answer.
"Great idea!"  He answers back.
And then the entire scene disappears.
Because.
This poem is too long already.

eener...who spent lots of time with the dentist because of years of
wearing braces...oooo, fun

----

The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at
http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.































Go away.  There's no subliminal message this week.

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