Issue #71, 20 April 1997

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #71 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

"This is the beginning of the magazine."--quote from melvan, well-known
collector of deodorant containers.

I AM NOT!!!

****Thrilling, ain't it???****

(eener likes putting asterisks on either side of things like that)

Welcome to Farm Macheenery!!  ****insert flashing neon lights here****

eener is in Wisconsin this weekend, visiting melvan!  Whee!  eener's been
draging melvan all around River Falls this morning doing wedding planning.
Photographers...cake bakers....reception sites....fresh bananas....

P.S.  Have you ever wondered why "Arkansas" is pronounced "Arkansaw" and
Kansas isn't pronounced Kansaw??

=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= OH SNOP!! =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

life's little annoyances...

by eener.

If you folks read last week's episode of "Oh Snop" you know that eener was
eaten alive by a huge chunk of chemically imbalance Spam.  No really.
More like flooded out of home and so living in a hotel currently.  (by now
you're probably thinking...sheesh, would she please get to the POINT?)
okay, so here's the oh snop for this week.

My mom visited me recently, at the same time Darin and I got flooded out
of our condo due to a wacked out sprinkler system.  One of the days mom
was there (easter, to be exact), we wanted to go shopping at bridal
places, etc.  We jaunted off to the shopping mall....got to the parking
lot......empty.  Maybe one or two cars.  Hmmm......something is wrong.
It's easter, ferpete'ssake!!!  It hadn't occurred to either of us that
everything would be closed.  Doh!!  The end.


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= As the Tractor Burns... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

STARRING:

Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

Last week, Qaz1 wrote us a hilarious parody of "Phantom of the Opera!"  If
you all haven't read it yet...You've gotta!!!

This week...join us as we...............



This week...join us as we........................................



eener screams:  I"ve got it!  ARghhh...I hate it when a quotation mark
comes up instead of an apostrophe....let's do "Gone with the Wind!"

eener:  Otay...let's do it!

This week...join us as we parody "Gone With the Wind".


Narrator:  Hello.  My name is Izzy.  I'll be your narrator this evening.
Buffy:  Oh great.  We have a narrator named Izzy.
Producer:  Places, everyone!!!!
I.M.:  Uh...where do I go?
Producer:  I don't care.  Just go somewhere.
Esmerelda:  I want to be Scarlett!!
Producer:  okay, you can be Scarlett...now...who will be Rhett.....Howard!
I think that'll be your part.
Howard:  Uhhh....does that mean I have to *kiss* Esmerelda?  Eeeeww!
Producer:  Al, you get to be Ashley, the man Scarlett is really in love
with....Buffy, you be Melanie, Ashley's cousin who bugs the heck out of
Scarlett.  Um..who am I missing?
Raul:  AHEM
I.M.:  Hrrrrrmph!
Producer:  Oh, okay- Raul, you can be....the sound effects person and
I.M., you can be Aunt PittyPat.
I.M.:  WHAT????!!!  I quit.
(I.M. walks off the stage)
Producer:  Ok.  Fine.  Let's just get going on this, ok??
Esmerelda:  Hey wait a minute...haven't we already done 2 plays already
already?  And we screwed 'em both up pretty bad.  Nobody follows their
lines...
Al:  So?
Esmerelda:  Nothing.
Producer:  Okay...scene one!  Take one!

The scene is a beautiful Southern mansion.  The camera zooms in on
Esmerelda who is sitting on the front porch.

Producer:  ***Suddenly realizing***  OH no!  We forgot to cast someone in
Mammy's role!!!  Who's going to be Mammy?  Go get I.M.!

Narrator:  HEY!  I haven't gotten to say anything yet!
Producer:  *sigh*  Scene one!  Take two!

The scene is a beautiful Southern mansion.  The camera once again zooms in
on Esmerelda...and then zooms in closer to Esmerelda's eyes, which she is
rolling.

Esmerelda:  Let's start this play tomorrow.  Because tomorrow is another
day.....
Howard:  Frankly my dear, I don't give a flying fig.
Al:  Figs fly?  Hmm....Figs Fly in Fred's Face...
Narrator:  I'm going to get a word in before we END THIS THING!!!!!!
Word.
I.M.:  When figs fly!

THE END?


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


A recommendation from eener:  amusement parks!  I recently acquired a six
flags season pass, since I now live in Atlanta.  Roller coasters are
fabyouuuluss!  I love hills.  BIG hills.  Loops are okay, but just not as
fabbbbyyyyouluss as hills. BIG hills.  Big biggggg hills.  The ones that
make you feel like your stomach took a left turn at Albuquerque.  eener
does admit: the free fall ride at six flags still scares me though!  Whee!
I mean...they bring you up to the top of this HUGE tower...hold you
there...you wait...in anticipation...and POW they drop you straight down.
Eeeeeeeek!  I will go on it though.  Sometime this summer, I hope to make
it over to California.  At the six flags there, they have a roller coaster
type ride that gets up to 100 mph!  It's another one of those freaky
straight drops though.  Luckily my fiance Darin is a roller coaster phreek
too!  Speaking of my fiance, just thought I'd let you all know...we're
getting married August 30th!  Feel free to send us extravagant gifts!
(tee hee!)  ***end of babbling by eener*** (for now)


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  URGENT FME NEWS  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Note from melvan:  we got new spatulas at work!!! woohoo!!!
(sorry, but when you work at a restaurant, you get overly excited about
little things like that)
Not only that, but we finally have a toilet paper dispenser in the
employee bathroom!  The sink still doesn't work, but at least we have a
toilet paper dispenser!
(don't worry, there ARE other sinks in the building, and we DO wash our
hands)

note from eener:  No WONDER that pizza tasted so weird....

note from melvan: eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!!


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Wise Sage  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com

O, Wise sage,

I am a worried student.  Is there any way I could gain some of your
knowledge and wisdom so that I may survive this school year?  Is there
something I can buy or something I can do which could guarentee success?

Sincerely, Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Two words.
Duct
tape.

Wise Sage

***The Wise Sage apologizes for any unanswered questions you might have
sent her.  Currently, the main computer she uses is dismantled due to a
broken sprinkler system and the whole incident involved in that...she is
using a laptop at the moment...and doesn't have all the questions readily
available!  They will be answered ASAP*** (gosh, those asterisks are
pretty****  *  *)


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@wildstar.net

***Important Editor's Note***

Attention!  Last week we included a marvelous piece of writing entitled
"BGT Parody," and we forgot to include the author's name.  (doh!)  We just
wanted you all to know that melvan has a plaster clarinet on her wall.  No
really....the author of that piece was our wunnerful fiend...er
friend...fadeaway!

Actually, this is from Benjamin Parsons.Scandalon's little bro.  I'm A
HUGEMONGOUSASOMEGREAT fan of Farm Macheenery Exploding, escpecially As the
Tractor Burns.  The following poems are a sample of my, skeeter's,
insanity.  By the way did eener's name get taken from machEENERy?


Soap

In shower
slippery
slimy
flops from hands
hits foot
bounces
out of tub
slides out
front door
naked
running after
slimy
soap
it stops
in street
WHAMMMMM!
you're
hit by a
Mac Truck


Skeeter

---------
Cat

Fury fuzzy
fat lazy
always
hungry
lover
of tuna
I try
to pet
no more
fingers
he likes
finger food
walking
stomach
claws
teeth
fur
cat

Skeeter


That's all I have "write" now.
NODANGCATOWWWWWWWAUMMMFGHFDHDDGHHHHHHHHHHELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!
I"M GOING INSANYYYYYYY, OHhhh that reminds me of another poem,

Happy Jacket

warm strong
one sleeve
i get to
hug myself
wierd people
wear it
every night
makes me
happy

(Break to Silage):
[I'm so darn,
really stinkin happy.
I'll pick some daisies,
put 'em in my hair and act crazy]

favorite
pastime
get to hold
hands
with
me

Skeeter


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Untitled #wutg
--------------

melvan
hates it
when
i accuse her
of having
a deodorant container
collection.
special.

eener

Untitled #2387461238947512639847512347126354
--------------------------------------------

eener
always
mentions
my
nonexistent
deodorant container
collection.
ahem.

melvan



Untitled #00000000001
---------------------

melvan lies.
she is addicted to
collecting empty deodorant
containers.
i've seen them.
i've seen them.
the first stage is
denial.
denial.
denial.

eener

Yeah right.
-----------

eener lies.
i have 2 containers
on my dresser
and they're
both
new
straight
from
wal mart.
so there.

melvan

Fudge cookies
-------------

So what
melvan still has
a plaster clarinet on
her
wall.

eener

Spleen.
-------

that's right.
i happen
to
like
my
plaster clarinet.
so what
if it
broke
once...

melvan

The end
-------

THE
END

this wonderful ending poem
has been created by eener...
sponsored in part by....
The letter T...the letter H...the letter E...
the letter N...the letter D...and the number...
oh forget it.

NOT the end
-----------

42.

melvan, who's been reading "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" lately.

Fudge Cookies #2
-----------------

Uh oh.
I started a poem.
Intending for it to be a really
really really
witty ending poem for this 'zine.
The only problem is...
I can't come up with a single witty thing
to say...




it's istanbul, not constantinople.

eener and melvan

----

The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at
http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.

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