^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. firstname.lastname@example.org .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. email@example.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. issue #71 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ "This is the beginning of the magazine."--quote from melvan, well-known collector of deodorant containers. I AM NOT!!! ****Thrilling, ain't it???**** (eener likes putting asterisks on either side of things like that) Welcome to Farm Macheenery!! ****insert flashing neon lights here**** eener is in Wisconsin this weekend, visiting melvan! Whee! eener's been draging melvan all around River Falls this morning doing wedding planning. Photographers...cake bakers....reception sites....fresh bananas.... P.S. Have you ever wondered why "Arkansas" is pronounced "Arkansaw" and Kansas isn't pronounced Kansaw?? =-=-=-=-=-=-= = OH SNOP!! = =-=-=-=-=-=-= life's little annoyances... by eener. If you folks read last week's episode of "Oh Snop" you know that eener was eaten alive by a huge chunk of chemically imbalance Spam. No really. More like flooded out of home and so living in a hotel currently. (by now you're probably thinking...sheesh, would she please get to the POINT?) okay, so here's the oh snop for this week. My mom visited me recently, at the same time Darin and I got flooded out of our condo due to a wacked out sprinkler system. One of the days mom was there (easter, to be exact), we wanted to go shopping at bridal places, etc. We jaunted off to the shopping mall....got to the parking lot......empty. Maybe one or two cars. Hmmm......something is wrong. It's easter, ferpete'ssake!!! It hadn't occurred to either of us that everything would be closed. Doh!! The end. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = As the Tractor Burns... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= STARRING: Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew Roseanne - as Esmerelda O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen Princess Di - as Buffy Last week, Qaz1 wrote us a hilarious parody of "Phantom of the Opera!" If you all haven't read it yet...You've gotta!!! This week...join us as we............... This week...join us as we........................................ eener screams: I"ve got it! ARghhh...I hate it when a quotation mark comes up instead of an apostrophe....let's do "Gone with the Wind!" eener: Otay...let's do it! This week...join us as we parody "Gone With the Wind". Narrator: Hello. My name is Izzy. I'll be your narrator this evening. Buffy: Oh great. We have a narrator named Izzy. Producer: Places, everyone!!!! I.M.: Uh...where do I go? Producer: I don't care. Just go somewhere. Esmerelda: I want to be Scarlett!! Producer: okay, you can be Scarlett...now...who will be Rhett.....Howard! I think that'll be your part. Howard: Uhhh....does that mean I have to *kiss* Esmerelda? Eeeeww! Producer: Al, you get to be Ashley, the man Scarlett is really in love with....Buffy, you be Melanie, Ashley's cousin who bugs the heck out of Scarlett. Um..who am I missing? Raul: AHEM I.M.: Hrrrrrmph! Producer: Oh, okay- Raul, you can be....the sound effects person and I.M., you can be Aunt PittyPat. I.M.: WHAT????!!! I quit. (I.M. walks off the stage) Producer: Ok. Fine. Let's just get going on this, ok?? Esmerelda: Hey wait a minute...haven't we already done 2 plays already already? And we screwed 'em both up pretty bad. Nobody follows their lines... Al: So? Esmerelda: Nothing. Producer: Okay...scene one! Take one! The scene is a beautiful Southern mansion. The camera zooms in on Esmerelda who is sitting on the front porch. Producer: ***Suddenly realizing*** OH no! We forgot to cast someone in Mammy's role!!! Who's going to be Mammy? Go get I.M.! Narrator: HEY! I haven't gotten to say anything yet! Producer: *sigh* Scene one! Take two! The scene is a beautiful Southern mansion. The camera once again zooms in on Esmerelda...and then zooms in closer to Esmerelda's eyes, which she is rolling. Esmerelda: Let's start this play tomorrow. Because tomorrow is another day..... Howard: Frankly my dear, I don't give a flying fig. Al: Figs fly? Hmm....Figs Fly in Fred's Face... Narrator: I'm going to get a word in before we END THIS THING!!!!!! Word. I.M.: When figs fly! THE END? =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Editor's Reccomendations... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A recommendation from eener: amusement parks! I recently acquired a six flags season pass, since I now live in Atlanta. Roller coasters are fabyouuuluss! I love hills. BIG hills. Loops are okay, but just not as fabbbbyyyyouluss as hills. BIG hills. Big biggggg hills. The ones that make you feel like your stomach took a left turn at Albuquerque. eener does admit: the free fall ride at six flags still scares me though! Whee! I mean...they bring you up to the top of this HUGE tower...hold you there...you wait...in anticipation...and POW they drop you straight down. Eeeeeeeek! I will go on it though. Sometime this summer, I hope to make it over to California. At the six flags there, they have a roller coaster type ride that gets up to 100 mph! It's another one of those freaky straight drops though. Luckily my fiance Darin is a roller coaster phreek too! Speaking of my fiance, just thought I'd let you all know...we're getting married August 30th! Feel free to send us extravagant gifts! (tee hee!) ***end of babbling by eener*** (for now) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = URGENT FME NEWS = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Note from melvan: we got new spatulas at work!!! woohoo!!! (sorry, but when you work at a restaurant, you get overly excited about little things like that) Not only that, but we finally have a toilet paper dispenser in the employee bathroom! The sink still doesn't work, but at least we have a toilet paper dispenser! (don't worry, there ARE other sinks in the building, and we DO wash our hands) note from eener: No WONDER that pizza tasted so weird.... note from melvan: eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Wise Sage = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** The Wise Sage never rests! Well, actually she does, but "The Wise Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column, now would it? Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to firstname.lastname@example.org O, Wise sage, I am a worried student. Is there any way I could gain some of your knowledge and wisdom so that I may survive this school year? Is there something I can buy or something I can do which could guarentee success? Sincerely, Concerned Dear Concerned, Two words. Duct tape. Wise Sage ***The Wise Sage apologizes for any unanswered questions you might have sent her. Currently, the main computer she uses is dismantled due to a broken sprinkler system and the whole incident involved in that...she is using a laptop at the moment...and doesn't have all the questions readily available! They will be answered ASAP*** (gosh, those asterisks are pretty**** * *) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Fruit Bats in Your Toilet = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to email@example.com ***Important Editor's Note*** Attention! Last week we included a marvelous piece of writing entitled "BGT Parody," and we forgot to include the author's name. (doh!) We just wanted you all to know that melvan has a plaster clarinet on her wall. No really....the author of that piece was our wunnerful fiend...er friend...fadeaway! Actually, this is from Benjamin Parsons.Scandalon's little bro. I'm A HUGEMONGOUSASOMEGREAT fan of Farm Macheenery Exploding, escpecially As the Tractor Burns. The following poems are a sample of my, skeeter's, insanity. By the way did eener's name get taken from machEENERy? Soap In shower slippery slimy flops from hands hits foot bounces out of tub slides out front door naked running after slimy soap it stops in street WHAMMMMM! you're hit by a Mac Truck Skeeter --------- Cat Fury fuzzy fat lazy always hungry lover of tuna I try to pet no more fingers he likes finger food walking stomach claws teeth fur cat Skeeter That's all I have "write" now. NODANGCATOWWWWWWWAUMMMFGHFDHDDGHHHHHHHHHHELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! I"M GOING INSANYYYYYYY, OHhhh that reminds me of another poem, Happy Jacket warm strong one sleeve i get to hug myself wierd people wear it every night makes me happy (Break to Silage): [I'm so darn, really stinkin happy. I'll pick some daisies, put 'em in my hair and act crazy] favorite pastime get to hold hands with me Skeeter =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Untitled #wutg -------------- melvan hates it when i accuse her of having a deodorant container collection. special. eener Untitled #2387461238947512639847512347126354 -------------------------------------------- eener always mentions my nonexistent deodorant container collection. ahem. melvan Untitled #00000000001 --------------------- melvan lies. she is addicted to collecting empty deodorant containers. i've seen them. i've seen them. the first stage is denial. denial. denial. eener Yeah right. ----------- eener lies. i have 2 containers on my dresser and they're both new straight from wal mart. so there. melvan Fudge cookies ------------- So what melvan still has a plaster clarinet on her wall. eener Spleen. ------- that's right. i happen to like my plaster clarinet. so what if it broke once... melvan The end ------- THE END this wonderful ending poem has been created by eener... sponsored in part by.... The letter T...the letter H...the letter E... the letter N...the letter D...and the number... oh forget it. NOT the end ----------- 42. melvan, who's been reading "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" lately. Fudge Cookies #2 ----------------- Uh oh. I started a poem. Intending for it to be a really really really witty ending poem for this 'zine. The only problem is... I can't come up with a single witty thing to say... it's istanbul, not constantinople. eener and melvan ---- The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that), regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh bananas.