^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. email@example.com .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. firstname.lastname@example.org ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. issue #70 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Wayne lies like a booger on a tie! I saw more rain when i was on the ark ten years ago!" (a cook at melvan's Pizza Hut, after someone told him it was "monsooning" outside) From an email from melvan to eener... I was playing with an anagram generator tonight, and found the following: Big green thing --> Bring the egg in Dumb ugly witch --> Club. THUD. My wig! Dug with my club What the hick --> Whack the hit Itch the hawk =-=-=-=-=-=-= = OH SNOP!! = =-=-=-=-=-=-= life's little annoyances... by, eener Last Wednesday, I came home from work around 4 A.M. (yeah, I have a really weird evening shift! I guess that's what I get for having a low seniority. I really wish I could at least have midnight shift where I get off at seven in the morning- that's the shift my fiance Darin has, plus you get more daylight that way! But that's another "oh snop" all together! But I like my job, so I guess I can live with it...working for an airline, you get free flights and all! That brings to mind all the cool places I've traveled...but you don't really want to hear about that, do you? You're probably wondering if you get airline discounts because you subscribe to fme!! Well, unfortunately you don't...but you get lots of wonderful humor in this FABULOUS publication!! Oh my...I'm certainly digressing, ain't I??! Well...back to the story...by the way, this is the end of the parenthetical statement) To get back to the story here...I drove into the parking lot at the condos, and there was a loud alarm on the building that was going off. My immediate reaction to this was "EEEeeeKk! What does this alarm mean??" I was freaking out, wondering if it was a burgular alarm or something. I scooted over to the door and unlocked it and looked around. I didn't see any people in there, but there was water EVERYWHERE! Turns out the alarm that was going off was a fire alarm. Shortly after I arrived, some firemen came and looked around, trying to find a fire. Apparently there was no fire! What happened was the sprinkler system in the condo above ours broke and flooded the place. The water flooded through our ceiling...came through wherever it could...light fixtures, vents, you name it! It was flooded in several rooms. In fact, the ceiling in one of the bedrooms was so saturated, that part of it ended up falling down later on in the day. ("Honey...the ceiling just fell down...") I freaked out and called Darin, who was still at work at around 4 A.M. when it happened. He buzzed home right after I called him. We went to work with wet/dry vacuums and tried to suck up some water, but it didn't really do much good. Like our neighbor said, "it's like taking out a thimblefull, compared to the water in there!" We ended up having a company come and suck out the water, rip up the carpet...and later on remove all the furniture, etc. We've been in a hotel since last Wednesday. And get this...guess when my mom's scheduled vacation to Atlanta to visit us was??? You got it! Last Wednesday! I went to pick her up at the airport and told her our condo was flooded...heh heh...welcome to Atlanta, mom! We still ended up having a good time though. I guess I've rambled on long enough, so on with the rest of the 'zine! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = As the Tractor Burns... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= STARRING: Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew Roseanne - as Esmerelda O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen Princess Di - as Buffy Guest Starring: Weird Alex - as Qaz1 This week on ATTB, the plot makes even less sense than usual. But what else would you expect from Weird Alex? I.M.: So, what do you think? Esmerelda: I dunno, what do you think? I.M.: Well, what do you think? Esmerelda: I have NO idea. Howard: (shooting a gun into the air) Is there any point to this conversation? I.M.: Is there ever a point to any conversation here? Qaz1: CUT! (long pause for effect) Look, I'm writing this this week, so I want you all to behave for me or else... understand? (Throws down clipboard with frustration) (The various characters exchange blank glances) I.M.: Look, it wasn't my glove... Qaz1: That does it... (I.M. disappears) Howard: Whose woods these are, I think I know, his house is in the village though. He will not see me stopping here to watch his woods fill up with snow. Qaz1: Look... I'm sick of this... ok... umm... how about we do a musical? Cast: WHAT? Qaz1: You heard me, a musical. How about an As The Tractor Burns salute to Andrew Lloyd Webber? "The Phantom of The Farm Tractor"... Esmerelda, you are Christine, Howard, you're the Phantom, and... uhh... I.M. disappeared... uhh.... Raul, you can be Raoul (I know it's a stretch, but work with me buddy) and Buffy, you can be Carlotta. Al: you get to be the narrator, ok? Al: Allllllllrighty then. (The house lights dim, and some eerie bluegrass music fades in) Al: Lot Five-Hundred Fifty-five, then, an old beat-up John Deere, in pieces. It's said that there's a ghost in the ol' tractor, but me, I don't beleive it. Maybe, if there is a ghost, we could frighten it away, with a little car-bur-a-tion, gentlemen? (Eerie organ music fuses with the bluegrass for a rather spooky overall effect, as the tractor sputters to life; then for some unknown reason we cut to a stage where Christine is rehearsing her big production number for the school musical.) Esmerelda: (Singing) Think of these, think of these tractors when you say goodbye, Remember these, remember these fondly, promise me you'll try... we start with White, New Holland, and then Case, and then we move on to some Fords, if you think of these old tractors, you'll never be bored... (Qaz1 has a blank look on his face as he realizes he's created a monster) Raul: (Singing) Can this be? Can this be Christine? No way, no way! Esmerelda: (Still singing) And on that day, that not-so-distant day when all these tractors' engines seize, will you ever take a moment to stop and think of these! (Suddenly Esmerelda is accosted by the Phantom of the Farm Tractor (we can tell it's him because of the really cheesy mask he's wearing, made from the body of a beat-up International Harvester) and for some unknown reason they begin to sing a duet (accompanied by slide guitar, 80's synths, and pipe organ).) Esmerelda: In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came, there with his big green thing, don't know his name, but yet he sings to me, and sounds so kind. The Phaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaantom of the Farm Tractor is there, inside my mind... Howard: In all your fantasies, you always knew, Landinis, Kubotas, were meant for you, Massey & Ferguson, make one combine! The Phaaaaaaaantom of the Farm Tractor is here, inside your mind! Sing for me my angel! Esmerelda: (sings repeatedly) He's there, the Phantom of Farm Tractors! Beware the Phantom of Farm Tractors! (we see Howard urging Esmerelda to new heights of song, until she shatters the windshield of an enclosed cab tractor on the side of the set) Esmerelda: Oh snop. (At this point, Buffy wanders on in a big snit) Buffy: (whining) It's no fair! She gets all the singing parts and me, all I get is this stupid role as a stupid whining person who doesn't get to song... hang on, isn't that what I'm doing? WAAAAAAAH! Qaz1 typecasted me! (sobs vehemently) Al: (Singing) Prima Donna! First lady of the plough! Your devotee is on one knee to adore you! Can you deny me the furrows in store, see how the fields all wait for you... (suddenly a hook comes on stage and pulls both off, since they dropped well below even the writer's standards!) (we cut to the sequence where Raul and Esmerelda sing a lover's duet at the end of act 1) Raul: (singing) Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime Esmerelda: (singing) Plough with me and I will follow you Raul: (singing) Make this old John Deere sing it's sweet melody Howard: (bursting onto the stage) (singing) You will curse the day you did not do all that the Phantom asked of you! (really, really, really cheesy bluegrass/organ music for about 30 seconds) Go!!!!!!!!!! (A large, green tractor we recall from the opening of the play suddenly sputters to life and rolls over the entire cast, killing them, then attacks the musicians, and finally, the scriptwriter. After all are dead, the lights click on and this is) CAST: THE END! Qaz1: Wow, even I didn't realize I could write that badly... (The rest of the cast give qaz1 a bottle of Dr. Pepper) Al: Thanks! That was fun! (everyone laughs) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = URGENT FME NEWS = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Attention...Weird Alex has recorded some of his parodies! It includes "Lost the Bot", "Playdoh", "Skiing Hills" "Spam Rap", and 11 more! If you're interested in a copy of this tape, check http://badger.ac.brocku.ca/~ak95ah/order.html =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Wise Sage = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** The Wise Sage never rests! Well, actually she does, but "The Wise Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column, now would it? Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to email@example.com Dear Wise Sage, Is there any truth to the conspiracy that FME actually stands for "Fabulous Melvan & Eener"? Signed, a To-remain-unnamed Biscuit Head Dear Biscuit head, Actually "FME" stands for "fermented Malaysian eggplants." Wise Sage =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Fruit Bats in Your Toilet = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to firstname.lastname@example.org Flood ----- By Weird Alex Based (loosely) on Flood by Jars of Clay Pain splayed cross my face Haven't flushed the toilet for days My toilet, it floods And slowly my room, it turns into mud Chorus: And if I can't flush after 40 days And the plumbing cracks as the pressures raise Get me out real quick so alive I'll stay Get me out oh... Get me out! It's grimy and smelly Get me out! I'm weak and I'm dying Get me out! Need someone to hold me Get me out! And keep me from drowning in here Downpour on the sole Of my best shoes from the place of the hole In the old toilet tank Now the toilet floods and my apartment is rank Chorus Stop the water from my room Staunch the streams still flowing Rescue me from in my doom Of toilets overflowing... Chorus to fade... ----- The following is another parody...eener told the writer that she wanted to put it in FME, to which he responded: "Well, I'll leave it to your discretion ... though I can't help but ponder the ramifications on civilization as we know it ... *giggle*" ================================= Big Green Thing (tune: Newsboys' "Real Good Thing") ================================= When we see something being waved, it's a big green thing, a big green thing When we don't see what's being waved, it's a big green thing, a big green thing Lost your tissues, now you find You need some way to clear your mind Trim your hairs and toss your hanky Wave your thing at all things skanky Keen idea, the only thing er's You lose respect when you use your fingers When we see something being waved, it's a big green thing, a big green thing When we don't see what's being waved, it's a big green thing, a big green thing Friends are looking -- don't be seen Waving something ... big and green Honk and peek or pick a winner Best have other plans for dinner If the others give you grief Better park it here on my handkerchief When we see something being waved ... ================================= author's note: what can I say? I had a sinus infection when I wrote it...) ================================= =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Untitled #32 ------------ Hisssssssss.... Grrrrrrrrr..... scritchscritch... Hisssssssss.... Grrrrrrrrrrr.... The cat HATES the vet. the caffeine goddess, eener Untitled #912 ------------- Oh my goodness I've enrolled in college classes and stopped attending in the middle of the semester I'm lazy Toss...turn... I suddenly realize how not attending is giong to totally mess up my grade point average toss...turn... I go to the campus and try... try to find the classes I'm enrolled in... I can't at first. Finally I find one. The professer says "Welcome back...I haven't seen you in a long time!" Toss...turn.... What a weird dream. But at least it didn't involve the picnic basket of death. eener, once again ---- The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that), regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh bananas.