Issue #69, 31 March 1997

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #69 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

Uff da...it's been a while since we sent FME...
(for those of you not from the midwest, that's pronounced "oof duh")

But anyway, it is now officially spring in Wisconsin.  I (melvan) have
seen robins with my own four eyes.  The snow is melting and making our
driveway a mud pit.  You can actually go outside with just jeans and a
T-shirt at times.  Hornets are coming out of somewhere in my bedroom, and
I can't figure out where, so I have to swat one once in a while and flush
it down the toilet.  You can roll the windows down in your car and not
freeze to death.  Heck, you can roll the driver's side window down on *my*
car and actually be able to roll it up again!  The car doors don't freeze
anymore.  You don't have to wear gloves when you go outside.  You do,
however, have to wade through mud to get from the house to the car.  The
grass over the septic drain field is turning green again.  It's only a
matter of time before they start planting stuff in the field across the
road from my house.  They're beginning road construction on Heggen Street
in Hudson, so the delivery drivers at work have to go waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
around just to get downtown.

And I'm rambling.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= As the Tractor Burns... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

STARRING:

Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

This week on ATTB, the cast is vacationing in Alabama.  And they have all
decided to add something to their names.  Thanks to Mugsy (aka Margaret
Vitalis) for the suggestion!

Raul Bob:  It's so warm here.
Al Bob:  Yeah.
Howard Bob:  Why is it warm here?
Buffy Mae:  Because it's Alabama, you idiot!
Howard Bob:  Oh.
Esmerelda Mae:  Hey, is there a taxidermy & cheese shop around here
somewhere?
I.M. Bob:  I thought those things were only in Wisconsin.
LifeBot Bob:  GO PACKERS!
Buffy Mae:  Lifey, shut up.
LifeBot Bob:  Buffy Mae, Over my dead body.
Esmerelda Mae:  That could be arranged...
Raul Bob:  Hey y'all.
Al Bob:  What?
Raul Bob:  Nuthin'.  I just like sayin' "Hey y'all."
Buffy Mae:  Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaawwww!!!!
I.M. Bob:  Hey, who stole my grits?
Al Bob:  *burp* What grits?

Don't join us next time, because nothing at all will happen.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  URGENT FME NEWS  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

You may have noticed that FME comes out less often lately.  That's because
we are slackers.

MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE...

It seems we have misplaced issue #26.  This was written almost a year ago.
The Issue #26 at the Macheen Shed is incomplete, as it is missing the
DPIACTT.  If you still have it sitting around in your mailbox, would you
please send it to melvan@wildstar.net.  Thank you!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@wildstar.net

The following two items come from WallPhone...

Ok my first poem, I thought of something humerous but it turned out kinda
pretty... I better try Spam next time.

Where the Chia pet(tm) Grows Green

The Chia Pet(tm)
Stands on my window
I fill it with water
It drinks.
I dont know what it thinks.
It grows slowly
It grows slower than on the commercials
I dont see it grow, alas, it happens.
I think it is a lamb
It said so on the box.
I dont know its gender
I dont know its pedigree
Still, my lamb grows for me.
The Chia Pet(tm)




Sardines
--------

(chourus)
Saa-rd-eens sardines for me
Saa-rd-eens sardines for free
(repeat chorus)

Sardines come in a can
They were crammed in there bay a man
In a factory down town

If I could have my little way
I would eat the fisheis every day
On a pizza, cracker or just plain!
The whole oceans bounty in a 3 ounce caAAnnn
(repeat chourus untill you run out of time or till it turns annoying)


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY STRANGE...

A short time ago (a year), melvan and eener wrote some poetry.  melvan
recently found these antiques in her computer desk drawer when she was
looking for a Monty Python & the Holy Grail script, and she decided they
were worthy of publication.  So, uh, here they are.  One has already been
published and got us in serious legal trouble with one Matthew Dale Prins.

Hmmm...
-------

I traded my
nose
for a new
model
and now I
smell like a
stranger.

eener

Hmmm... II
----------

I comment on artwork
I watch
as they dissolve into laughter...
distorted pictures of
Kelly the babysitter --
with four rows of teeth.

eener



Contagious Yawn
---------------

Yawn
Yawwn
Yawwwwn!
Yawwwwwwnnnn!

eener


Kangaroo Spew
-------------

Would it be orange?
blue?
green?
With chunks?
Methinks I need sleep.

eener

Nonsense Syllables
------------------

Winkle
Wankle
Tribble
Trabble
Oonker
Boonker
Exploding
Parakeet.

eener

Useless Trivia
--------------

And on the
left
we see
the
Statue of
Liberty.
Don't stand
on the
pig.

melvan

BGT Revisited
-------------

The sun rises
on the distant horizon...
the birds fly
in the blue, blue sky...
You come to my mind,
as you wave your mutilated
Michael Jackson tape...

eener

Untitled #532
-------------

I wrote
with ink
until
Spam juice
came out of my pen.
I gave you a gift.
The gift of
an electrical outlet.
This is pointless.
There is an earplug
in my belly button
Do you think I am high?
I am not.
I am snot.
I am Flem, the great Emperor.
beep
beep
bwaaaap!
OK
I'll shuddup now.
*bang*
*thud*

eener

----

The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at
http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.

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