^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. email@example.com .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. firstname.lastname@example.org ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. issue #69 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ Uff da...it's been a while since we sent FME... (for those of you not from the midwest, that's pronounced "oof duh") But anyway, it is now officially spring in Wisconsin. I (melvan) have seen robins with my own four eyes. The snow is melting and making our driveway a mud pit. You can actually go outside with just jeans and a T-shirt at times. Hornets are coming out of somewhere in my bedroom, and I can't figure out where, so I have to swat one once in a while and flush it down the toilet. You can roll the windows down in your car and not freeze to death. Heck, you can roll the driver's side window down on *my* car and actually be able to roll it up again! The car doors don't freeze anymore. You don't have to wear gloves when you go outside. You do, however, have to wade through mud to get from the house to the car. The grass over the septic drain field is turning green again. It's only a matter of time before they start planting stuff in the field across the road from my house. They're beginning road construction on Heggen Street in Hudson, so the delivery drivers at work have to go waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay around just to get downtown. And I'm rambling. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = As the Tractor Burns... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= STARRING: Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew Roseanne - as Esmerelda O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen Princess Di - as Buffy This week on ATTB, the cast is vacationing in Alabama. And they have all decided to add something to their names. Thanks to Mugsy (aka Margaret Vitalis) for the suggestion! Raul Bob: It's so warm here. Al Bob: Yeah. Howard Bob: Why is it warm here? Buffy Mae: Because it's Alabama, you idiot! Howard Bob: Oh. Esmerelda Mae: Hey, is there a taxidermy & cheese shop around here somewhere? I.M. Bob: I thought those things were only in Wisconsin. LifeBot Bob: GO PACKERS! Buffy Mae: Lifey, shut up. LifeBot Bob: Buffy Mae, Over my dead body. Esmerelda Mae: That could be arranged... Raul Bob: Hey y'all. Al Bob: What? Raul Bob: Nuthin'. I just like sayin' "Hey y'all." Buffy Mae: Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaawwww!!!! I.M. Bob: Hey, who stole my grits? Al Bob: *burp* What grits? Don't join us next time, because nothing at all will happen. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = URGENT FME NEWS = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= You may have noticed that FME comes out less often lately. That's because we are slackers. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE... It seems we have misplaced issue #26. This was written almost a year ago. The Issue #26 at the Macheen Shed is incomplete, as it is missing the DPIACTT. If you still have it sitting around in your mailbox, would you please send it to email@example.com. Thank you! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Fruit Bats in Your Toilet = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to firstname.lastname@example.org The following two items come from WallPhone... Ok my first poem, I thought of something humerous but it turned out kinda pretty... I better try Spam next time. Where the Chia pet(tm) Grows Green The Chia Pet(tm) Stands on my window I fill it with water It drinks. I dont know what it thinks. It grows slowly It grows slower than on the commercials I dont see it grow, alas, it happens. I think it is a lamb It said so on the box. I dont know its gender I dont know its pedigree Still, my lamb grows for me. The Chia Pet(tm) Sardines -------- (chourus) Saa-rd-eens sardines for me Saa-rd-eens sardines for free (repeat chorus) Sardines come in a can They were crammed in there bay a man In a factory down town If I could have my little way I would eat the fisheis every day On a pizza, cracker or just plain! The whole oceans bounty in a 3 ounce caAAnnn (repeat chourus untill you run out of time or till it turns annoying) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY STRANGE... A short time ago (a year), melvan and eener wrote some poetry. melvan recently found these antiques in her computer desk drawer when she was looking for a Monty Python & the Holy Grail script, and she decided they were worthy of publication. So, uh, here they are. One has already been published and got us in serious legal trouble with one Matthew Dale Prins. Hmmm... ------- I traded my nose for a new model and now I smell like a stranger. eener Hmmm... II ---------- I comment on artwork I watch as they dissolve into laughter... distorted pictures of Kelly the babysitter -- with four rows of teeth. eener Contagious Yawn --------------- Yawn Yawwn Yawwwwn! Yawwwwwwnnnn! eener Kangaroo Spew ------------- Would it be orange? blue? green? With chunks? Methinks I need sleep. eener Nonsense Syllables ------------------ Winkle Wankle Tribble Trabble Oonker Boonker Exploding Parakeet. eener Useless Trivia -------------- And on the left we see the Statue of Liberty. Don't stand on the pig. melvan BGT Revisited ------------- The sun rises on the distant horizon... the birds fly in the blue, blue sky... You come to my mind, as you wave your mutilated Michael Jackson tape... eener Untitled #532 ------------- I wrote with ink until Spam juice came out of my pen. I gave you a gift. The gift of an electrical outlet. This is pointless. There is an earplug in my belly button Do you think I am high? I am not. I am snot. I am Flem, the great Emperor. beep beep bwaaaap! OK I'll shuddup now. *bang* *thud* eener ---- The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that), regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh bananas.