^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. firstname.lastname@example.org .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. email@example.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. issue #68 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ Little things to be happy about... * Unbreakable pet food dishes. Especially if you have outdoor animals and live in a cold place like Wisconsin. The water freezes in the dish, you throw the dish on the cement, the ice pops out. Yee-haw. * Keys. They lock & unlock your doors so you can keep people in or keep people out. * Duct Tape. What's to say about duct tape that you don't already know? Heck, if you have duct tape, what more do you need? * Being home alone. This means you can do cartwheels in the kitchen and not have anyone look at you like you're from another planet. * When the power goes out at work. Because when this happens, you just stand around for 25 minutes until someone tells you to go home. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = As the Tractor Burns... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= STARRING: Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew Roseanne - as Esmerelda O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen Princess Di - as Buffy ATTB will return next week (or whenever it is that we send another issue out). =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Editor's Reccomendations... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= We reccomend that you do absolutely nothing. That's right. Ignore everything & everyone and just read back issues of FME. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Wise Sage = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** The Wise Sage never rests! Well, actually she does, but "The Wise Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column, now would it? Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to firstname.lastname@example.org Dear Sarge Why do they put 12 buns in a bag but only 8 hotdogs in a package? WallPhone Dear WallPhone, Atten HUT!! Okayyy...march it, folks!!! Left, right...left, right...left, right... Wise Sage Dear Soccer Sage Why, in soccer, you cant use your hands? WallPhone Dear WallPhone, It is a little known fact that soccer was developed by aliens with no hands. Back in the 15th century, the world was invaded by a troop of UFOs filled with alien sports fanatics from outerspace. These aliens introduced the world to the sport of soccer, which is still played by humans today. Following the tradition of these aliens, we cannot use our hands! Wise Sage Dear Sage What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of steel? WallPhone Dear WallPhone, A ton of feathers. Why? Because the chickens had heavy hearts when they lost their feathers. Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage, ok. why is it that you can hurt your feelings but not your thoughts? the girl stuck in the wardrobe Dear girl stuck in the wardrobe, Thoughts can't get hurt because they don't have feelings. If feelings were thoughts, then they wouldn't get hurt. Feelings, however are feelings, just as thoughts are thoughts. If thoughts had feelings, then I'm sure they would get hurt at some point. Wise Sage =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Fruit Bats in Your Toilet = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to email@example.com The following was brought to our attention by a reader who will remain anonymous. Just when you thought the Macarena was finally gone, what do they do? Some one makes a screen-saver parody called the Macaroni. I'm sure some of you have seen it since it's been out for quite a while, but for those who haven't, I'll give you the (short) lyrics: (to the tune of the Macarena, duh!) My name is Mary-Anna, I'm an elbow macaroni People say I'm better than a bowl of fried bologna. They all want me I'm so tasty So they boil, strain and eat me. Rigatoni, Fettuccine, Ziti or Spaghetti, Ravioli, Manicotti, Shells or Tortellini, Macaroni is the best when it's cooked aldente'. Hey, Macaroni! OK, my apologies to those how are now violently ill from hearing or reading or seeing this for the billionth time. But if you just can't get enough of this, try http://www.risoftsystems.com/macaroni.shtml "Electricuted" parody of "Disappointed" by the Cranberries (parody by Nina Garden, aka wowness) Electricuted--- I shouldn't have done, I shouldn't have done, I shouldn't have stuck my finger in there. I could have been normal, But the socket I found, The socket was round, And so was my finger. And I won't get any dimmer, So I'll light your house today. And I'll always have an Afro, And It all can happen from sticken your finger Chorus: In-------stick it In-------fry your Brain-------stick it In--------- (repeat chorus) In the night I glow It shows You're right It's luminescent me, Yes, I am all you see, 'Til it's light out, I shine out, My hair-do Is weirdo Hey------ The truth is, In the night, It drew, Me in, And then, I stuck my finger in, I stuck my finger in, Are the lights out? The light's out. The light's out. The light's out. And it only gets still harder. And I hope you listen to what I say. Never stick your finger in there, Or you might end up like me. Chorus Electricuted, Electricuted, Electricuted (chorus echoes and fades) I Want To Have A Clone ---------------------- By Weird Alex, orginally by Steve Taylor I'd gone through so much other stuff That joining IRC was tough But now I know it's not enough I want to have a clone! I installed Linux as a start Got my host prog to do its part And now I know deep in my heart I want to have a clone! Have a clone, and talk to myself all night Cloneliness is next to godliness, right? I'm grateful when the show the way Cuz I don't really know the way To do this on my own I want to have a clone! They told me my clone'd fall away Unless I followed what they'd say You need two servers anyway if You want to have a clone! Or else you might get a k-line and then you wouldn't feel so fine Oh, yes, it's in this heart of mine I want to have a clone Chorus Send in the clones! "I wanna tell my friends and neighbours about this." "What? You're still a babe, you have to grow, wait until you have about 10 clones or so. Cuz if you wanna be cool like these, you gotta clone like one of us!" So now I see the whole design And open windows, eight or nine My friends tell me I'm doing fine At generating clones I've learned enough to stay afloat Have enough clones to fill a boat I'm glad you /msg'ed that note On how to have a clone! Everybody must get cloned! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= How to Make Fish in a Microwave ------------------------------- get some sticks duct tape them together throw it in a pan of water cook it in the microwave for 50 hours instant fish... melvan, who thinks maybe you had to be there to get the joke... ---- The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that), regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh bananas.