Issue #68, 16 March 1997

^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #68 .^.^.^.^.^.^. ^

Little things to be happy about...

* Unbreakable pet food dishes.  Especially if you have outdoor animals and
live in a cold place like Wisconsin.  The water freezes in the dish, you
throw the dish on the cement, the ice pops out.  Yee-haw.

* Keys.  They lock & unlock your doors so you can keep people in or keep
people out.

* Duct Tape.  What's to say about duct tape that you don't already know?
Heck, if you have duct tape, what more do you need?

* Being home alone.  This means you can do cartwheels in the kitchen and
not have anyone look at you like you're from another planet.

* When the power goes out at work.  Because when this happens, you just
stand around for 25 minutes until someone tells you to go home.

= As the Tractor Burns... =


Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

ATTB will return next week (or whenever it is that we send another issue

=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =

We reccomend that you do absolutely nothing.  That's right.  Ignore
everything & everyone and just read back issues of FME.

=  Wise Sage  =

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to

Dear Sarge

Why do they put 12 buns in a bag but only 8 hotdogs in a package?


Dear WallPhone,

Atten HUT!!  Okayyy...march it, folks!!! Left, right...left,
right...left, right...

Wise Sage

Dear Soccer Sage

Why, in soccer, you cant use your hands?


Dear WallPhone,

It is a little known fact that soccer was developed by aliens with no
hands.  Back in the  15th century, the world was invaded by a troop of
UFOs filled with alien sports fanatics from outerspace.   These aliens
introduced the world to the sport of soccer, which is still played by
humans today.  Following the tradition of these aliens, we cannot use
our hands!

Wise Sage

Dear Sage

What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of steel?


Dear WallPhone,

A ton of feathers.  Why?  Because the chickens had heavy hearts when they
lost their feathers.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

ok. why is it that you can hurt your feelings but not your thoughts?

the girl stuck in the wardrobe

Dear girl stuck in the wardrobe,

Thoughts can't get hurt because they don't have feelings.  If feelings
were thoughts, then they wouldn't get hurt.  Feelings, however are
feelings, just as thoughts are thoughts.  If thoughts had feelings, then
I'm sure they would get hurt at some point.

Wise Sage

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

The following was brought to our attention by a reader who will remain

Just when you thought the Macarena was finally gone, what do they do?
Some one makes a screen-saver parody called the Macaroni.  I'm sure some
of you have seen it since it's been out for quite a while, but for those
who haven't, I'll give you the (short) lyrics:

  (to the tune of the Macarena, duh!)

  My name is Mary-Anna, I'm an elbow macaroni
  People say I'm better than a bowl of fried bologna.
  They all want me
  I'm so tasty
  So they boil, strain and eat me.

  Rigatoni, Fettuccine, Ziti or Spaghetti,
  Ravioli, Manicotti, Shells or Tortellini,
  Macaroni is the best when it's cooked aldente'.
  Hey, Macaroni!

OK, my apologies to those how are now violently ill from hearing or
reading or seeing this for the billionth time.  But if you just can't
get enough of this, try

"Electricuted" parody of "Disappointed" by the Cranberries
(parody by Nina Garden, aka wowness)

I shouldn't have done,
I shouldn't have done,
I shouldn't have stuck my finger in there.
I could have been normal,
But the socket I found,
The socket was round,
And so was my finger.

And I won't get any dimmer,
So I'll light your house today.
And I'll always have an Afro,
And It all can happen from sticken your finger

In-------stick it
In-------fry your
Brain-------stick it
In--------- (repeat chorus)

In the night
I glow
It shows
You're right
It's luminescent me,
Yes, I am all you see,
'Til it's light out,
I shine out,
My hair-do
Is weirdo

The truth is,
In the night,
It drew,
Me in,
And then,
I stuck my finger in,
I stuck my finger in,
Are the lights out?
The light's out.
The light's out.
The light's out.

And it only gets still harder.
And I hope you listen to what I say.
Never stick your finger in there,
Or you might end up like me.


Electricuted, Electricuted, Electricuted (chorus echoes and fades)

I Want To Have A Clone
By Weird Alex, orginally by Steve Taylor

I'd gone through so much other stuff
That joining IRC was tough
But now I know it's not enough
I want to have a clone!
I installed Linux as a start
Got my host prog to do its part
And now I know deep in my heart
I want to have a clone!

Have a clone, and talk to myself all night
Cloneliness is next to godliness, right?
I'm grateful when the show the way
Cuz I don't really know the way
To do this on my own
I want to have a clone!

They told me my clone'd fall away
Unless I followed what they'd say
You need two servers anyway if
You want to have a clone!
Or else you might get a k-line
and then you wouldn't feel so fine
Oh, yes, it's in this heart of mine
I want to have a clone


Send in the clones!  "I wanna tell my friends and neighbours about this."
"What?  You're still a babe, you have to grow, wait until you have about 10
clones or so.  Cuz if you wanna be cool like these, you gotta clone like
one of us!"

So now I see the whole design
And open windows, eight or nine
My friends tell me I'm doing fine
At generating clones
I've learned enough to stay afloat
Have enough clones to fill a boat
I'm glad you /msg'ed that note
On how to have a clone!

Everybody must get cloned!

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

How to Make Fish in a Microwave

get some sticks
duct tape them together
throw it in a pan of water
cook it in the microwave
for 50 hours
instant fish...

melvan, who thinks maybe you had to be there to get the joke...


The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh