Issue #67, 5 February 1997

^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #67 .^.^.^.^.^.^. ^


"Well, mred, what it amounts to is that everything is gonna be fine, fine,
fine, cuzz I got one hand in my pocket, while the other hand waves a Big
green thing."

qaz1, aka "Weird Alex" Klages

And now for Storytime...with eener

One day, not so long ago, I was at traffic court to pay off a ticket.  I
drove there in the car early in the morning.  My fiance Darin surprised me
by showing up there to keep me company.  I saw his truck in the parking
lot, then I saw him, standing outside, waiting for me.  I thought that was
pretty sweet of him!  After we paid the thing off, we headed outside,
discussing the possibility of going out to breakfast.  Eventually, we just
decided to head home and eat breakfast there.  We walked over to the
truck.  He opened the door for me and I hopped in.  He then got in the
driver's side and started up the truck.  We headed out of the parking lot,
but then noticed we were heading out the "in" side of the parking lot! We
turned around and headed for the exit.  It was only then that we drove by
the car, sitting there in the parking lot.  We had been about to leave in
the truck, leaving the car behind!!!!!  We had both completely forgotten
that we came in two separate vehicles.  Gosh, we are just *too* much
alike!  Hee hee! :)

= OH SNOP!! =

life's little annoyances...

Hello.  I (melvan) have just come back from the kitchen with a cup of hot
chocolate.  What makes this so interesting (and snoppish) is that when I
went to retrieve it from the microwave, there was hot chocolate all over
the bottom of the microwave and the side of the cup.  I didn't leave it in
there so long that it would have boiled over.  The cup wasn't broken.  The
microwave is just possessed.

= As the Tractor Burns... =


Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

Forget everything that has ever happened before on ATTB - because it has
absolutely no relevance to what's going to happen this week.

This week, the entire cast has been hired to work at Pizza Hut.

Howard:  Uh...why are we in a restaurant?
Al:  We're supposed to be working, I think.
I.M.:  What's work?
Howard:  I don't know, but it beats drowning in Mountain Dew.
Buffy:  Hey, where *is* the Mountain Dew?
Esmerelda:  Men suck.*
Raul:  What did we do to you?*
Esmerelda:  Everything.*
Raul:  What did I personally do to you today?*
Esmerelda:  I didn't say you were a man.*
Raul:  But I'm part of the sub-species.*
Buffy:  I just lost a screw!*
Manager:  OK, Al, take this pizza to the prison.  You have to go down a
hall, and at the end of the hall there's a door.  Go through the door, and
there's a pay phone on the wall.  Call 911 and the lady will come out and
get the pizza.*
Al:  Uh...okay...
I.M.:  You see, I was born with a big rake in my head...*
Buffy:  Wow, your mother must have been in a LOT of pain...

That concludes this week's issue of ATTB...join us next week (or whenever)
when Buffy eats a paperclip and sets off a metal detector in the airport.

*Actual quotes from people at Pizza Hut (most of them on the night of
March 5, 1997)

=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =

We reccomend that you force your friends, family members, enemies,
co-workers, teachers, students, and/or parole officers to subscribe to

We also reccomend that if you live in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area in
Minnesota that you check out a local band called Pegtop.  They have a new
cd called "The Great Reverse" which melvan just got in the mail yesterday
and can't quit listening to.  Perhaps it would help if she turned off the
cd player...


You may have noticed that FME hasn't dropped into your mailbox in the last
few weeks.  There is a very good explanation for this, and as soon as we
make it up, we'll tell you.

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

The fruit bats have, once again, died.

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =


Why do they always
explode on me????



I did aerobics
and there are muscles
that I didn't even



The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh

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