^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. firstname.lastname@example.org .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. email@example.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. issue #66 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! The temperature in western Wisconsin at this moment is 40 degrees! If there wasn't so much snow on the ground, you'd think it was April. melvan is proud to announce that she is now free to tell as many Iowa jokes as she wants to, since her aunt who lived there moved to another state. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = As the Tractor Burns... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= STARRING: Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew Roseanne - as Esmerelda O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen Princess Di - as Buffy That's right. We have procrastinated yet again and left out ATTB. But next week we WILL have an episode. Also, if anyone would like to try writing an episode themselves, do it, send it to us, and if we like it, we'll use it. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = URGENT FME NEWS = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= There are two Q-tips sitting on melvan's desk. We don't know if there's any news this week because it's not "this week" yet. We're writing this a week ahead of time. Wow, we're soooooooooo organized. (eener cuts in: ORGANIZED???!! Aaaah!! I'm definitely not organized. I sometimes wish I was more organized like melvan, who even has her sock drawer organized by color...er....just kidding.) wutg. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Wise Sage = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** The Wise Sage never rests! Well, actually she does, but "The Wise Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column, now would it? Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to firstname.lastname@example.org Dear Wise Sage, Is it possible to become addicted to Duct Tape? And if it is....Is there a cure for the addiction? Stuck in Atlanta Dear Stuck, Addicted to duct tape? Yes, yes...it is a very common affliction in today's society. While I was driving home from work, a talk radio guy told a story about a race car driver who repaired his car with duct tape. My guess is the driver was addicted. Are you addicted? Here are a few tell-tale signs.... 1. You start to pile spare rolls of duct tape around your abode, for example on your shelves or on top of the tv. 2. When something gets broken, the first thing you reach for is that lovely roll of silver tape. 3. You have dreams involving duct tape in some way. 4. Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy do. As for a cure...none has been discovered yet. Wise Sage =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Fruit Bats in Your Toilet = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to email@example.com Moronic ------- To the tune of "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette Inspired by melvan An old man eating piles of hay Turned real green and died the next day It's like eating black flies mixed with Chardonnay It's a bologni sandwich turned a mottled gray Isn't it moronic, don't you think? Like singing rain with three syllables A free ride to where you don't wanna go That bad advice, you just had to take You should have thought, cuz it figures Mr. Play-It-Safe was afraid to fly Until one day he thought he'd give it a try The problem is, he forgot to note He didn't have wings..."Splat" was his final quote And wasn't he moronic, don't you think? Chorus Well stoopidity has a way of sneaking up on you Just when you think you're pretty sharp and OK And you think you're doing something right Yeah, stoopidity has a funny way of making you look dumb When everything goes wrong and then it all just blows up in your face A traffic jam you caused while you were late A no smoking sign on a barbecue display It's like 10000 moons above the earth tonight Meeting the man of your dreams... then realizing he's someone's wife Now isn't THAT moronic, don't you think??? A little too moronic... yeah, I really do think! Chorus Stoopidity has a way of sneaking up on you Stoopidity has a funny, funny way of helping you out... To look like a lout Comment from a reader: IN GRATITUDE FOR YOUR GENEROUS DELIVERY OF OUR WEEKLY SUBSCRIPTION...GTPM (this actually stands for george the pepsi man) WOULD LIKE TO OFFER THE FOLLOWING JOKE: SO THERE WERE TWO DUCKS IN A BATHTUB....ONE SAID TO THE OTHER..."HEY, PASS ME THE SOAP" AND THE OTHER ONE SAID..."WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?...CHOCOLATE ICECREAM?" ----------- The following is what my husband hears when his family wants his attention...anonymos (it was amazing to find it embeded in eener's poem! Scritch...scratch Hum hummm... whine... Fuzzzzzzz.... Fuzzzzz.... Whine.... "It is...." Hummm... Scritchh... Whine.... Another comment from a reader... The national organization know as S.E.T.I. (Search for anEone using ducT tape in an Interresting manor, not to be confused with the more-widely known 'S.E.T.I': the 'Search for Extra Tasty Intelligence'), may have issued this official advisory at some point: Someone is making music with duct tape. That's right, there's a guy who's both a woodsmith and a musician. His name is Woody Phillips (yes, really.), and my friend got a Woody Phillips CD for Christmas, featuring all your favorite Christmas tunes all performed with various woodshop things (eg: tuned 2x4's, pnuematic nailer, etc..). The man actually uses duct tape in a few songs. Thought I should alert you. -S =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Coffee --------- Steaming Aromatic Hot Dark Rich Creamy Coffee Caffeinated Beverage of the morning Brewing in the coffee pot Why do I like my java? I'll give you three good reasons... Caffeine Caffeine Caffeine eener Skipper thinks back ------------------- The old man sat on a rock by the edge of the lake. Staring across the vast expanse of water his mind wandered back to the days of his youth. "What should I have done differently?" he asked himself. "Nothing" he replied. If I could go back in time I wouldn't change a thing. Except for one. I wouldn't have picked Gilligan as my first mate. eener ---- The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that), regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh bananas.