Issue #65, 12 February 1997

^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #65 .^.^.^.^.^.^. ^

ISSUE!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!  JUST KIDDING.  Okay, I'll turn off capslock now.
GUESS WHAT?  (whoops)  eener and melvan are together at her place to write
this one!!  Are you scared yet?  Yep, that's right.  eener hopped on a
plane from atlanta to visit fiends...well, friends and relatives from this
area.  That's the cool thing about working for an airline!  Woo hoo!
(yeah, eener had to type "woo hoo" cuz Darin, her sweetie-poo likes to see
the word "woo hoo" in type for some reason or another.  I guess he just
likes the way it looks.  And this parenthetical statement is getting quite
long, isn't it?  It could just go on and on and on forever until your eyes
bug out, but we're not going to do that to you, because we don't want to
pay your optometry bills!  Or is that Optician...or optimist...Hmmmm...
shall we end this madness now???  Aaaaaah!)  ATTENTION!!!  ATTENTION!!!!

= OH SNOP!! =

life's little melvan (and side comments by eener)

Once upon a time, melvan thought it would be really cool to work at Pizza
Hut.  She was wrong.  (***comment from the peanut gallery...actually,
le5t's make it the cashew gallery, cuz eener likes 'em gbetter, and she's
typing tyhis parenthitlcal statmehtnement, and leaving all typos
in...aaaah!  well, i'm trying to type from the side, which sucks scissors.
anyway, now i forgot what i was origimally going to say...oh yeah!  I keep
asking mel is she (oops, that was supposed to be "if" not "is"  wow, this
is a parenthesis inside oa parenthisis!!) ever poisons anyones pizza...and
she hasn't yet!!  This has been a parenthetical statement, now back to

Friday night at work, I got stuck with doing the pasta (everyone's most
hated job).  One particular order nearly made me lose my mind (as if I
hadn't lost it already).  First of all, it was a meatball sandwich.  You
have to cut the meatballs while they're hot and burn your fingers & get
them all full of pasta sauce.  Second, everyone forgot to tell me about it
until (****eener cuts in tto ty0p something...ACK!!!  Both of us backspace
more than we go forwards...if we left in all our typos, this would be a
wild looking publication now, wouldn't it???  By the way, this is a
parenthetical statement) the rest of the order was out of the oven.  And
THEN, just when I got it into the oven, one of the other cooks tells me
"By the way, that sandwich isn't supposed to have onions on it."  So when
the sandwich came out of the oven, I tried picking the onions out of it.
The waitress was not pleased that it had onions and went out to the
customers.  She came back and said "Forget about the meatball sandwich,
they don't want it anymore."


= As the Tractor Burns... =


Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

This week's episode of ATTB is brought to you by Bubba Bob & Jimbo's
Mental Floss.  For those tough mental blockages, always choose Bubba Bob &

Last week on ATTB, nothing happened.  The week before on ATTB, nothing
happened.  The week before the week before on ATTB, still nothing
happened.  The week before the week before the week before (or
something like that) on ATTB, nothing happened at all.  This week on ATTB,
everyone is going to die.

Scene:  Buffy is listening to Perry Como records.

Buffy:  Whoa, these are sooo boring...I might just die of boredom.
(Buffy dies)
Howard:  What?  She's dead?  How can she be dead?  She's blonde, she's not
supposed to die!  I'm going to die of loneliness now!
(Howard dies)
I.M.:  What's going on?  Why is everyone dying?
Raul:  I dunno.  I'm too depressed to live anymore. *drinks shampoo and
(Raul dies)
Esmerelda:  OK, that leaves me, I.M. and Al.
I.M.:  Not for long it doesn't! *shoves Esmerelda into the lake*
(Esmerelda drowns)
Al:  What did you do that for?
I.M.:  I didn't do anything.
Al:  Yes you did, you shoved Esmerelda in the lake!
I.M.:  I did not!  I'm innocent!
Al:  I've heard that befo--aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggghhhh!!!!!
(Suddenly, velociraptors from Jurassic Park run in and eat Al alive)
(Al dies)
I.M.:  Am I the only one left? *waits for response*
I.M.:  I SAID, Am I the only one left?
(Imperial storm troopers rush in and vaporize I.M. with their blasters)
(I.M. dies)

Join us next week, when we introduce a whole new cast.  Not really.  These
guys will never die.

=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =

Iiiiii recommend...

absolutely nothing.


NEWS FLASH!  melvan and eener drank Dr Pepper before the writing of this
issue.  Be warned...or beward?

NEWS FLASH IN THE PAN!  eener is now becoming addicted to Coke, because
she lives in Atlanta, the placw where Coke was invented.  Did you know,
they even have a Coca Cola museum there????  Well, anyway, I'm sure you
all are glad to know that.  By the way, melvan has a mouse pad with an
Escher drawing on it.  Bye.

NEWS FLASH IN THE CAT LITTER BOX!  This issue is also known as "The Typo
Issue" and melvan is going to sneeze pretty soon....whoops, nevermind.

THIS ISN'T A NEWS FLASH, BUT IT'S A COOL STORY!  eener went to visit her
Grandma and Grandpa Peterson, and got to meet all the cats that are
currently inhabiting their abode.  (according to my Grandpa, about 42, but
I counted about 4)  They have two cats that have initials for names.
After they were talking about their cats and rattling off their names,
finally I asked them "what are your cats' names again???"  They informed
me one of them was "O.C." which stands for orange cat, and one of them is
"L.C." which stands for little cat.  When they rattle off that name fast,
it sounds like "elsie" but REALLY it's L.C.!  Well, anyway, I think it's
pretty cute :)

=  Wise Sage  =

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to

O, Intelligent Kitchen Spice:

What is it that makes you so much more knowledgeable than any other
kitchen spice?  Is your looks?  Your aroma?  Your potency?  Whatever it
is, continue in your unending journey for knowledge.

Your devoted follower,
A fan from Canada.

Dear fan,

It's my cute smile.

Wise Sage

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

Hello, it's me again, Scandalon, the one who mourned the death of the
fruit bats...Just reading FME tonight, when this message popped up,
"Cannot change that to text". With only one button*, "OK". So I pressed
it. I then continued reading...a few minutes later, the same message
appeared....IT'S POSSESSED!!!  -The End

Here is a comment we got in response to the changed format of the zine.

>This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
>Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
>whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
>right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
>regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh

You left out the BACON. That was the best part. You see, last year, in my
AP english class, we discovered that all the evil in the world is caused,
indirectly, by BACON. Actually, the problem occurs in BoogerFling. As soon
as you try to order a Whopper(TM) thingy (not TM), they ask "Would you like
to try bacon with that?"

Typical exchanges:
"Hello, may I take your order?"
"Yes, I'd like a wa-
"Would you like to try bacon with that?"

"Hello, may I take your order?"
"Yes, I'd like a wopp...
"Would you like to try bacon with that?"
pper meal, w/cheese, no pickle.  No, I don't want bacon, if I had wanted
it, I'd have asked for it.  If I wanted mustard, I would ask for it. It's
not standard, but did you ask me if I wanted *mustard*?  No.  Extra onion?
NO.  Fried Wombat?  NOOO!  Because that's not the standard configuration,
and you want everyone to assimilate bacon into your ham-borg-ers!!!!  Yea,
I see Mr. Baldie Locutus back there!!!  Okay, so what if I raise a little
Hue-and-cry?!? I've seen your "manager", what a spineless wimp!!  If you
don't stop, I will turn to the dark side and go to the clown accross the
street!!!  Yea, I bet you didn't know, Ronald is my father!!!  He will
crush your little burger-rebellion like pickles under a steam-roller!"
"Umm, someone get security"

-The End (You should see what happens when I go through the drive through!)

Until next time*, same bat-time, same tab-channel. (fewer calories that way)

*send money, and I'll wait longer.

Head Over Feet
Parody of the song of the same name by Alanis Morissette
By Weird Alex

I had a choice and went with you
You took me to the games at the fair
I thought about it
You treat me like I'm a princess
We went to all the great games
And when we'd finished
You'd already won me a Grover, in spite of me
Though I'm so clumsy I'd fall head over feet
So don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
Though I couldn't help it
You won after all!

Your aim was straight, right to the goal
You're more accurate than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service


You are the bearer of trinkets and things
You held your breath and won some more for me
Thanks for your patience!
(rubber duckie solo)
You're the best marksman that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
Didn't take you too long

I've never felt this wealthy before
Of little stuffed and furry animals
I'm quite aware now
Of your great flair now


= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

Scooby Doo

the cheesy villains?


Scooby Doo Too

I remember
cheesy villains

melvan (who *almost* signed her poem "eener" for some odd reason)

**eener notes:  and you should've seen how many times she backspaced when
she typed that line to get rid of typos!!!


Beg for attention.
Rub on people's legs.
Chase mice
Ignore people
Look cute



The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

This collection of lunacy
doyoueverreallreadthispartofthemagazinedownhere????  is copyright 1997 by
Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies,
poems, stories, and whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.
FME reserves the right to edit any material sent for publication (if you
can call it that), regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure
earrings, AND fresh bananas.

Scroll up.


Secret hidden message.

"it's a sekrit."---quote from Spazzy


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