^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. firstname.lastname@example.org .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. email@example.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ ^.^. issue #65 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^ ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^ WELCOME TO ISSUE 65! YES, WE'RE TYPING IN CAPSLOCK THROUGH THE WHOLE ISSUE!!! HAHAHAHAHA! JUST KIDDING. Okay, I'll turn off capslock now. GUESS WHAT? (whoops) eener and melvan are together at her place to write this one!! Are you scared yet? Yep, that's right. eener hopped on a plane from atlanta to visit fiends...well, friends and relatives from this area. That's the cool thing about working for an airline! Woo hoo! (yeah, eener had to type "woo hoo" cuz Darin, her sweetie-poo likes to see the word "woo hoo" in type for some reason or another. I guess he just likes the way it looks. And this parenthetical statement is getting quite long, isn't it? It could just go on and on and on forever until your eyes bug out, but we're not going to do that to you, because we don't want to pay your optometry bills! Or is that Optician...or optimist...Hmmmm... shall we end this madness now??? Aaaaaah!) ATTENTION!!! ATTENTION!!!! THIS IS THE END OF THE INTRODUCTION!!!!! =-=-=-=-=-=-= = OH SNOP!! = =-=-=-=-=-=-= life's little annoyances...by melvan (and side comments by eener) Once upon a time, melvan thought it would be really cool to work at Pizza Hut. She was wrong. (***comment from the peanut gallery...actually, le5t's make it the cashew gallery, cuz eener likes 'em gbetter, and she's typing tyhis parenthitlcal statmehtnement, and leaving all typos in...aaaah! well, i'm trying to type from the side, which sucks scissors. anyway, now i forgot what i was origimally going to say...oh yeah! I keep asking mel is she (oops, that was supposed to be "if" not "is" wow, this is a parenthesis inside oa parenthisis!!) ever poisons anyones pizza...and she hasn't yet!! This has been a parenthetical statement, now back to melvan...))) Friday night at work, I got stuck with doing the pasta (everyone's most hated job). One particular order nearly made me lose my mind (as if I hadn't lost it already). First of all, it was a meatball sandwich. You have to cut the meatballs while they're hot and burn your fingers & get them all full of pasta sauce. Second, everyone forgot to tell me about it until (****eener cuts in tto ty0p something...ACK!!! Both of us backspace more than we go forwards...if we left in all our typos, this would be a wild looking publication now, wouldn't it??? By the way, this is a parenthetical statement) the rest of the order was out of the oven. And THEN, just when I got it into the oven, one of the other cooks tells me "By the way, that sandwich isn't supposed to have onions on it." So when the sandwich came out of the oven, I tried picking the onions out of it. The waitress was not pleased that it had onions and went out to the customers. She came back and said "Forget about the meatball sandwich, they don't want it anymore." AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = As the Tractor Burns... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= STARRING: Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew Roseanne - as Esmerelda O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen Princess Di - as Buffy This week's episode of ATTB is brought to you by Bubba Bob & Jimbo's Mental Floss. For those tough mental blockages, always choose Bubba Bob & Jimbo's. Last week on ATTB, nothing happened. The week before on ATTB, nothing happened. The week before the week before on ATTB, still nothing happened. The week before the week before the week before (or something like that) on ATTB, nothing happened at all. This week on ATTB, everyone is going to die. Scene: Buffy is listening to Perry Como records. Buffy: Whoa, these are sooo boring...I might just die of boredom. (Buffy dies) Howard: What? She's dead? How can she be dead? She's blonde, she's not supposed to die! I'm going to die of loneliness now! (Howard dies) I.M.: What's going on? Why is everyone dying? Raul: I dunno. I'm too depressed to live anymore. *drinks shampoo and dies* (Raul dies) Esmerelda: OK, that leaves me, I.M. and Al. I.M.: Not for long it doesn't! *shoves Esmerelda into the lake* Esmerelda: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH *splash* (Esmerelda drowns) Al: What did you do that for? I.M.: I didn't do anything. Al: Yes you did, you shoved Esmerelda in the lake! I.M.: I did not! I'm innocent! Al: I've heard that befo--aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggghhhh!!!!! (Suddenly, velociraptors from Jurassic Park run in and eat Al alive) (Al dies) I.M.: Am I the only one left? *waits for response* I.M.: I SAID, Am I the only one left? (Imperial storm troopers rush in and vaporize I.M. with their blasters) (I.M. dies) Join us next week, when we introduce a whole new cast. Not really. These guys will never die. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Editor's Reccomendations... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Iiiiii recommend... absolutely nothing. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = URGENT FME NEWS = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= NEWS FLASH! melvan and eener drank Dr Pepper before the writing of this issue. Be warned...or beward? NEWS FLASH IN THE PAN! eener is now becoming addicted to Coke, because she lives in Atlanta, the placw where Coke was invented. Did you know, they even have a Coca Cola museum there???? Well, anyway, I'm sure you all are glad to know that. By the way, melvan has a mouse pad with an Escher drawing on it. Bye. NEWS FLASH IN THE CAT LITTER BOX! This issue is also known as "The Typo Issue" and melvan is going to sneeze pretty soon....whoops, nevermind. THIS ISN'T A NEWS FLASH, BUT IT'S A COOL STORY! eener went to visit her Grandma and Grandpa Peterson, and got to meet all the cats that are currently inhabiting their abode. (according to my Grandpa, about 42, but I counted about 4) They have two cats that have initials for names. After they were talking about their cats and rattling off their names, finally I asked them "what are your cats' names again???" They informed me one of them was "O.C." which stands for orange cat, and one of them is "L.C." which stands for little cat. When they rattle off that name fast, it sounds like "elsie" but REALLY it's L.C.! Well, anyway, I think it's pretty cute :) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Wise Sage = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** The Wise Sage never rests! Well, actually she does, but "The Wise Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column, now would it? Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to firstname.lastname@example.org O, Intelligent Kitchen Spice: What is it that makes you so much more knowledgeable than any other kitchen spice? Is your looks? Your aroma? Your potency? Whatever it is, continue in your unending journey for knowledge. Your devoted follower, A fan from Canada. Dear fan, It's my cute smile. Wise Sage =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Fruit Bats in Your Toilet = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free! Send any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to email@example.com Hello, it's me again, Scandalon, the one who mourned the death of the fruit bats...Just reading FME tonight, when this message popped up, "Cannot change that to text". With only one button*, "OK". So I pressed it. I then continued reading...a few minutes later, the same message appeared....IT'S POSSESSED!!! -The End Here is a comment we got in response to the changed format of the zine. >This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa >Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and >whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the >right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that), >regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh >bananas. You left out the BACON. That was the best part. You see, last year, in my AP english class, we discovered that all the evil in the world is caused, indirectly, by BACON. Actually, the problem occurs in BoogerFling. As soon as you try to order a Whopper(TM) thingy (not TM), they ask "Would you like to try bacon with that?" Typical exchanges: "Hello, may I take your order?" "Yes, I'd like a wa- "Would you like to try bacon with that?" -ter." "Hello, may I take your order?" "Yes, I'd like a wopp... "Would you like to try bacon with that?" pper meal, w/cheese, no pickle. No, I don't want bacon, if I had wanted it, I'd have asked for it. If I wanted mustard, I would ask for it. It's not standard, but did you ask me if I wanted *mustard*? No. Extra onion? NO. Fried Wombat? NOOO! Because that's not the standard configuration, and you want everyone to assimilate bacon into your ham-borg-ers!!!! Yea, I see Mr. Baldie Locutus back there!!! Okay, so what if I raise a little Hue-and-cry?!? I've seen your "manager", what a spineless wimp!! If you don't stop, I will turn to the dark side and go to the clown accross the street!!! Yea, I bet you didn't know, Ronald is my father!!! He will crush your little burger-rebellion like pickles under a steam-roller!" "Umm, someone get security" -The End (You should see what happens when I go through the drive through!) Until next time*, same bat-time, same tab-channel. (fewer calories that way) *send money, and I'll wait longer. Head Over Feet -------------- Parody of the song of the same name by Alanis Morissette By Weird Alex I had a choice and went with you You took me to the games at the fair I thought about it You treat me like I'm a princess We went to all the great games And when we'd finished Chorus: You'd already won me a Grover, in spite of me Though I'm so clumsy I'd fall head over feet So don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are Though I couldn't help it You won after all! Your aim was straight, right to the goal You're more accurate than I gave you credit for That's not lip service (Chorus) You are the bearer of trinkets and things You held your breath and won some more for me Thanks for your patience! (rubber duckie solo) You're the best marksman that I've ever met You're my best friend Best friend with benefits Didn't take you too long I've never felt this wealthy before Of little stuffed and furry animals I'm quite aware now Of your great flair now (chorus) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Scooby Doo ---------- Remember the cheesy villains? eener Scooby Doo Too -------------- Yup I remember the cheesy villains melvan (who *almost* signed her poem "eener" for some odd reason) **eener notes: and you should've seen how many times she backspaced when she typed that line to get rid of typos!!! Cat --- Meow. Purr. Meow. Purr. Beg for attention. Rub on people's legs. Meow. Scratch. Claw. Hiss Sleep Bite Chase mice Sleep Ignore people Look cute melvan ---- The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This collection of lunacy doyoueverreallreadthispartofthemagazinedownhere???? is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that), regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh bananas. Scroll up. NOW!!!! Secret hidden message. "it's a sekrit."---quote from Spazzy Bye.