Issue #64, 5 February 1997

^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #64 .^.^.^.^.^.^. ^

This week we start out the 'zine with a new scientific discovery.  This is
called the Earwax Theorem.  It is stated thus:  "If a carbon-based life
form exists, then it develops earwax between its toes and in its spleen."

Interpret it whatever way you so desire....

Still more Priceless Quotes

"These bananas are so fresh they're not even ripe yet!" - Elkvis
"Just because we're part of Wisconsin doesn't mean we're not part of
Minnesota." - Elkvis

= As the Tractor Burns... =

ATTB isn't here this week.  The actors are on strike.

=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =

We reccomend the following books:

"Pook Bit the Dust" by Gordon O. MacNutt
"Green Spots on the Wall" by Pickett & Flikit

*NOTE*  These are not real books...


ATTENTION!  It's time for the first annual New & Strange Music Awards!
Here's a list of nominees.

Note:  This is also something that was written several years ago before we
were online.

Best New Artist

1.  Art the Posterior Breeze
2.  Lantern Eyes
3.  , or the artist formerly known as

Best Album

1.  "Mouthwash Behind the Piano" - Various artists
2.  "Itch My Chin (or I'll Kill Your Mother)" - Snort Smith & Band
3.  "Bloated and Green" - The Hot Water Heater Band

Best Song

1.  "Plaster Clarinets Keep Falling on My Head" - The Extraterrestrials
2.  "Area Code to Hell" - Joe Psychoflute
3.  "Float My Boat (Down the Sewer, Darlin')" - Psycho Auctioneer

=  Wise Sage  =

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to

Hey subscribers!  Another tidbit from Dave Hart...he sent this awhile back
in regards to a couple of wise sage questions and answers. Unfortunately
eener, being the procrastinator that she is, neglected to print it 'til
this week!

Dear Wise Sage,

Speaking of all that breaking - for that matter, I've never actually seen
or heard the dawn breaking. But water must break, because the waves and
the surf in California are constantly breaking. I think that there must be
regular water (news, dawns, etc.) and an extra-delicate kind, because
these things are said to be breaking all the time!  Which is probably why
God invented Duct Tape to fix all these things when they break. But
because duct tape fixes them so good, we just don't notice that they're

And speaking of driving on parkways and parking on driveways, how come
freight sent on trucks and railroad cars is called a shipment, but stuff
sent on a ship is called cargo?  Hmmmmmmm.......?

And one more thing. If a cow was flying off a ski jump and his pants fell
down, would that be a case of the cow mooned over the jump!?!  Hmmmm?????

dave "the wise guy" pastor

The wise sage reponds to this question.

Dear Wise Guy,

If you *ever* see a cow skiing, please report it to your nearest tabloid
publication.  And when they pay lots of moolah to you for this, you'll get
preoccupied and *totally* forget to wonder if it was a cow mooned over the

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

Is there really any point?


Dear Pointless,

There used to be one...but unfortunately, it was misplaced years ago.

Wise Sage

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

Helloooooooooooo everyone!! Here's a funny note that subscriber and good
friend of eener wrote in an email to aforementioned person...that
aforementioned person, when she read said email got a major kick out of
this particular thing, and so decided to include it in this week's issue
of fme!  (how's THAT for wording?)

"I just thought of a name for your funny little jokes and stories:
Eenerisms!  Kinda like anurisms, only not as painful!  As in, "Ha, Ha,
that joke was so funny I almost had an Eenerism!"  What do you think?"

From- Dave Hart

We have yet another parody...this is a parody of "Nobody Knows You When
You're Down and Out" by Eric Clapton.

Nobody Knows You When Your Server's Out
(From Eric Clapton's Unplugged album)
by Weird Alex

Once I surfed the Web like a millionaire
Chatted IRC like I didn't have a care
Helped all my good friends to go online
Taught them JAVA, FTP and MIME
Then when I saw my connection was slow
Took longer to get me where I wanted to go
If I get my hands on an ISDN
I'll begin my mass downloads again

Nobody knows you when your server's out.
As for bots, you don't have any,
As for friends, can't chat with many
When you get back on the net again
Everybody wants to be your email friend
I'll say it straight, without any doubt
Nobody knows you, when your server's out

(modem solo)
(repeat chorus then)

Nobody knows you
Nobody knows you
Nobody knows you when your server's out

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

Once upon a time (in high school), eener wrote a computer program (in
BASIC, for those of you who are interested) that would randomly spit out
dumb poems. Here are a few that we printed out during lunch hour one day.

A garbage can squashes Chicago...
The end approaches...

The toilet flushes for one last time
Wang dang!
The toilet burps forth a snake
As the last moonbeam fades...

The lone antenna sings in the night
Her eyeball pops gracefully from the socket
The end approaches...

Polka dots explode randomly -
Turtles relentlesly smash Deetroit* -
Ever to stare into your empty eyes

Pink slime clings to the surface -
The wind erodes it away...
Quoth the raven nevermore

Geometry Folder**

The holder of this book is legally dead
So go plant a vegetable garden in
Regurgitating squatoons
The courageous twink approaches Roopert's grave
As he contemplates his discovery of the
Earwax Theorem


AM radio

Hum hummm...
"We not interrupt to report that
Elvis has been spotted at...."
"ATTENTION!!  We have discovered
the secret of life!  It is...."


*She really spelled it that way, with two E's
**Inspired by the folder melvan used for her Geometry class in high school


The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh

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