Issue #63, 29 January 1997

^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #63 .^.^.^.^.^.^. ^

ATTENTION!  We have changed the layout of the zine for this week and this
week only!  (unless you like it, in which case it'll be like this every
week)  Please email us your thoughts on how it looks.

We would like to present to you the Mental Stability Test.  This appeared
in an old issue from pre-internet days.  This is a test we have both
failed; we hope you do the same.

Question 1:  If you had to choose from the following list of TV shows,
which would you watch?

A.  Underwater Bingo for Teams
B.  Full Contact Wheel of Fortune
C.  500 Ways to Cook Bananas
D.  Jeffrey Dahmer's Clubhouse
E.  A show with all new main characters every week, since each episode
    ends with all main characters being killed by an exploding toilet

Question 2:  Which of the following would you eat first if you were

A.  The nearest roach
B.  Your pet pirhana
C.  Candlewax dripped on the stereo
D.  Your toes

Question 2:  Which name appeals most to you?

A.  Posey Miller
B.  I.M. Madd
C.  Ban Van Tran
D.  John Hancock

Question 2:  Which word most accurately describes your checking account?

A.  Abundant
B.  Dead
C.  Overdrawn
D.  Boing

Question 2:  Which of these book titles capture your interest?

A.  50 creative uses for an eyelash curler
B.  How to kill your siblings with a paperclip
C.  The Energizer Bunny unmasked:  the unauthorized biography
D.  Jeffrey Dahmer sautees Bill Clinton

How to interpret the results of your Mental Stability Test:

1.  Make an appointment with a psychiatrist.
2.  At the appointed time, bring your answers to the test to the
3.  Chop off the psychiatrist's head.

= OH SNOP!! =

life's little melvan

Gripe, moan, complain, whine.  My car won't start.  I went outside half
an hour ago and stepped on the pedal.  It was like a brick.  I turned the
key.  I stomped down hard on the pedal, and it stuck to the floor.  I
turned the key again and it tried to start.  Then nothing.  I tried again
5 minutes ago.  Same thing.  I'm supposed to be at work in 15 minutes.
It's a 20 minute drive.  The other two vehicles we own are in use.  I'm
stuck here.

I'm beginning to wonder if I really want to buy that car from my


We now introduce a new column for fme!!  It's called "Reverse-snopisms!"
As you might guess, this column is about the good things in life, rather
than the bad.  eener's contribution to this week's column....

My little piece of joy for today is this:  hearing the birds singing in
the middle of January.  As many of you know, I recently moved here to
Atlanta from the Minneapolis/St. Paul area.  It's such a pleasure to me to
look at the thermometer and see it read "60" in the middle of January!!
I'm writing this at work right now.  On my break at about 4 am or so, I
took a walk around outside.  The air smelled fresh from the recent
rainstorm, and I could hear birds singing. is good.  I just
wanted to share that simple pleasure with you folks.  Have a nice day!!

= As the Tractor Burns... =


Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

This week we're doing something a little different.  As you know, the ATTB
characters' love lives have been slightly....pathetic?  So they have
decided to run personal ads in FME this week.  If you are interested in
any of them, contact

Raul Hackenspew, age 31, male.  Likes square dancing and golf.  5'12",
brown hair, beard down to his ankles, glasses.

Esmerelda, age 29 (for the 5th year in a row), female.  Likes being bossy
(though not as much as Buffy).  Looks *exactly* like Roseanne.

I.M. Gilty, age 35, male.  Likes white Ford Broncos and football.  The
I.M.  stands for "In Metric", which got him in trouble with Buffy when
they were suppposed to be getting married.

Howard Stern, age 40, male (he thinks).  Likes cussing and generally being
a nuisance. 7', purple, green belly, kids flock to him.

Al Rightithen, age 23, male.  Loves facial contortions, saying
"Allllllllllrightythen", and cable TV.  6'1", green hair.

Buffy, age 26, female.  Likes yelling at people and being in charge.
Blonde.  Need we say more?


WE ARE VERY PROUD TO BRING YOU something that appeared in "The DPIACTT,
Duh!, Weirdly, & Kazoo Treasury" two years ago.

Quotes From Your Parents

"You'll poke your eye out with that thing!"
"Are you happy now?  You broke it!"
"This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you."
"Quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"
"Because I said so."
"If you keep making that face, it will freeze that way!"


RED ALERT!  Caution:  Xavier Xerxes [you know her as eener] is in serious
condition at Oopsi, Iowa Mental Institution.  She has been saying REALLY
weird things.

For example:

"Activate PMS!  Activate CMT!  Activate MTV!  Activate TNN!  Caesar* in
the key of C!  We all have our own built-in juicers in our rear ends!
Yes, folks, just stick a carrot or an orange back there and squeeze,
squeeze, squeeze your way to delicious juice and a firm rear end!  This is
a regular insect mortuary!"

This satire of infomercials and et cetera is brought to you by the letters
Q, Z, and the number 3287642387465.

*Actually she said "seizure", but I (melvan) thought she said "Caesar", so
that's what I wrote.

=  Wise Sage  =

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to

No Wise Sage letters this week.

= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to

The Fruit Bats are on vacation this week.  They will be back next week to
flap in your face.

= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =

List #53847

Manner boy
Eagle boy
Peachy toilet powder
Purple peas
Starving artists
Duct tape
The Earwax Theorem
The red shorts*
Candlewax on the Stereo**
The, A, An, etc.

melvan, who is hoping that eener remembers some of these jokes...

*Whatever happened to them, anyway?
**Are there still traces of it?


The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh