Issue #62, 19 January 1997

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #62
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--mel's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

We begin this week's issue with a story about something that happened at
the Pizza Hut Christmas/bowling party last week.

One of our waitresses was showing off at the party, bowling like a little
kid, an old lady, whatever.  At one point she sat down in front of the
lane, with the ball in front of her, ready to roll it down the lane.
Someone from behind me yelled to her "You're not at work!  Get off your


Here I (eener) am at work.  (and there was much rejoicing)  I was looking
at the overtime postings on the computer...on the list for Jan 14th, it
said "0900-2300...including YUL" and when I first looked at it I thought
it said "including you." which I thought was quite silly...usually the
folks who input stuff in the computer are so *serious* you know!  I wasn't
expecting to see a silly comment like that in there.  So I look closer and
I notice it really said "YUL" which is the city code for Montreal.  Oh
well...I guess you had to be here!  *grin*


This morning, I (eener) woke up bright and early (mostly because I went to
bed bright and early...) and decided to put some coffee on.  I always like
a little caffeine kick in the morning.  Sooo...I put the coffee filter in,
and put the hot water into the pot and clicked the switch to "on."
Several minutes later, I look in the coffee pot at *clear* coffee!  It is
then that I realize...I forgot to put the COFFEE GROUNDS in...aaaaah!


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

This week on ATTB, we have a guest writer...none other than Mr. Nathan
Rische (aka Nate, aka etan, aka YoursTruely) himself!

BTW...if anyone else would like to write an episode of ATTB, send it our
way and we might just use it. ;)

Captian James T Kirk:
Spock: logicly played by Leonard Nimoy
Dr. "Bones" McCoy: played by DeForrest Kelly...and dangit Jim, I'm an
actor, not a doctor!
The Voice of Scotty: played by teh voice of James Doohan
(aren't these all just a little to familiar, redundant, repetative and cliche?)

who cares what happened last week in ATTB? ITS STAR TREK WEEK ON ATTB!

We join our characters as they are engaged in a deep discussion of the
explosive capacity of cattle's spleens.....

Raul: .....Now when we transmography the deligaeter with a friction
co-efficiant of pi to the pi power and add in the third gravitational
constant of the universe......
I.M.: Where the heck did you learn all this???

Spock: Captian, we seem to have six unidentified life forms staring in our
direction. It is only logical do assume they're looking at us.  However,
should that initial assesment be incorrect, it would be a logical desicion
to look behind us.
Kirk: What...are..they...Bones?
Bones: Dangit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an enclyclopedia.
Buffy: Huh?
Al: What in allllllllmighty creation are YOU doing here?
I.M.: I work here.
Al: Not YOU you dimwit!  THEM!

Kirk: Bones!!

Bones: He's dead Jim!
Esmerelda: Who's dead?

Bones: I.M. dead
Kirk: You're dead bones??
Howard: Who's "Your" and why are they dead?  And how the heck did so many
extras get into this issue??????
Bones: NO! He's dead! I.M. is dead!
I.M.: My name is "Your?"
Spock: This is highly illogical
Bones: Shut up you pointy eared vulcan freak!
Kirk:!  I'
Howard:  AH HAH! You're I'm and YOU'RE dead!!!
I.M.: NO! MY name is "Your" and I'm dead!
Buffy: Someone's dead?
Howard: Who's this "Someone" character and how did THEY die???
Spock: Three people, I.M., Your, and Someone have all died and we have no
motive or method or even two of the bodies. This is highly illogical!
Bones: Dangit Jim, I'm a doctor not a detective!
Raul: I know! Mrs.Peacock did it in the Library with the Revolver!!!!

Esmerelda: You got it Raul!!!!! Congradulations, you win!
Kirk: enter....PRISE....get us...out...of!
Voice of Scotty: Ay Cap'n!

Stay tuned for next weeks issue of ATTB where our heros resume their
normal roles and battle the evil Computoman for control of the planet!!!
Oooo Ahhh Ohhhh!!!!!

Guest ATTB author, etan/YoursTruely (Nathan Rische)

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email with your question

Once upon a time, the Wise Sage sent us an answer to a reader's question.
The staff misplaced this question and completely forgot about it...UNTIL
NOW...when melvan was cleaning out her various mailboxes and found it in
a very unlikely place.

Dear Wise Sage,

How hot could a gfot snot if a gfot could snot snot?

Yours Truely

Dear Yours Truely,

That would be 30 degrees Calvin & Hobbes, the new temperature scale, which
is somewhat related to the Kelvin scale. (Actually, it's its uncle)

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

Why don't I have a girlfriend?


Dear Johnny,

Most likely it's because of your name.  I advise you to change it to "Mel
Gibson" or "Brad Pitt"

Wise Sage

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email

A Parody of "Smug" by Steve Taylor

Find them in your clothes
Maybe in your hair
Crawling in your nightie
Tromping down the stairs
Almost anywhere
(Ooh, just like mice!)

Practice in a mirror
Hunting them like deer
Very sincere
A promising career could begin right here at home
If you like them bugs, them bugs...

Hey mama, hey mama look at what your little babies all gone and done
Hey mama, hey mama don't you ever wish you'd gone and been a nun?
Not vain, not fickle, maybe weaned on a pickle
Must be in our blood
Rome's flambeeing, we're okaying bugs

Find some more of those
Little gnats and ticks
Smother them with ketchup
Get your buggy fix
We love the nightcrawlers
We love the bugs underneath the hedge
Find some more bugs
Eat them like a man
One part little spiders
Two part drosophilan
Or is that more than you can stand?
My, my, don't you like bugs?
Scary, scary, scary, scary

Hey mama, hey mama look at what your little babies all gone and done
Hey mama, hey mama don't you ever wish you'd gone and been a nun?
Not vain, not fickle, maybe weaned on a pickle
Must be in our blood
Rome's flambeeing, we're okaying bugs

All you bug-starved millions just a looking for more
Welcome to our store!
What you wanna munch?
We can help you eat lunch from little sugar ants to great big bugs
Bugs from the homes of our country club brethren
Scraped fresh from a tomb
Or maybe from the bottom of a locker room broom
Now what's the matter? Hey?
Looking for cheese? That part don't come till later!
The chef will not be pleased...

Hey mama, hey mama look at what your little babies all gone and done
Hey mama, hey mama don't you ever wish you'd gone and been a nun?
Not vain, not fickle, maybe weaned on a pickle
Must be in our blood
Rome's flambeeing, we're okaying
Rome is frying, we're all trying
Rome is heating, now we're eating

(Voiceover on fadeout:)
"I wanna talk to you about bugs, people.  You think they're so good? No,
they ain't good, and I wanna tell you why.  You wanna eat a good bug, you
come to me. You lookin for some insects? Cuz I got 'em.  You lookin for
some arachnids? Cuz I got 'em.  They're good, they're crunchy, they're
better than yours!  You look at me and you say, brother, how can I find
such bugs. Well, I'll tell ya.  It took me a long time!  I've arrived!
I'm alive! I've got the best bugs!..."

(By Weird Alex)

And here's a song that got started on IRC on Thursday,
afternoon when I was telling some friends about a skunk that invaded our
shed once.

Oh, the cat's locked in the pickup
The cat's locked in the pickup
The cat's locked in the pickup
And Dad got out his gun

Maybe you had to be there...


A letter from Marianne Love

Dear FME folks,

I'd like to announce that Postcards from Potato Land, the title of which
was inspired by FME, will be released March 1.  Please pass the information
along to all the loyal readers.  If they want their personally autographed
copies, they can write me at for more details like
how much it's gonna cost and how much they're gonna love every one of its
195 pages.  Thanks for your inspiration.  I'd like to borrow from a famous
quote:  One Farm Macheenery Exploding can make a difference.  Your
publication certainly did that for me.

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash


Like the smell of 5,000 dirty gym socks
left out in the rain...
Like the smell of a garbage heap
rotting in the sun...
Like the smell of a culture that hasn't
yet discovered deodorant...
This is the smell of my little brother's winter
snow boots after he takes them off.


**disclaimer:  this is from a long time ago...I vividly remember
the funny odor his boots used to emanate.  I'm thinking his boots
probably smell *much* better now!  (at least I hope they do...I don't
live at home anymore, so I haven't had the pleasure to smell my
brother's boots for awhile!)


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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