FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #62 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --mel's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ We begin this week's issue with a story about something that happened at the Pizza Hut Christmas/bowling party last week. One of our waitresses was showing off at the party, bowling like a little kid, an old lady, whatever. At one point she sat down in front of the lane, with the ball in front of her, ready to roll it down the lane. Someone from behind me yelled to her "You're not at work! Get off your butt!" Hmmmm....... Here I (eener) am at work. (and there was much rejoicing) I was looking at the overtime postings on the computer...on the list for Jan 14th, it said "0900-2300...including YUL" and when I first looked at it I thought it said "including you." which I thought was quite silly...usually the folks who input stuff in the computer are so *serious* you know! I wasn't expecting to see a silly comment like that in there. So I look closer and I notice it really said "YUL" which is the city code for Montreal. Oh well...I guess you had to be here! *grin* Doh!! This morning, I (eener) woke up bright and early (mostly because I went to bed bright and early...) and decided to put some coffee on. I always like a little caffeine kick in the morning. Sooo...I put the coffee filter in, and put the hot water into the pot and clicked the switch to "on." Several minutes later, I look in the coffee pot at *clear* coffee! It is then that I realize...I forgot to put the COFFEE GROUNDS in...aaaaah! #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di This week on ATTB, we have a guest writer...none other than Mr. Nathan Rische (aka Nate, aka etan, aka YoursTruely) himself! BTW...if anyone else would like to write an episode of ATTB, send it our way and we might just use it. ;) SPECIAL GUEST STARS FOR THE WEEK: Captian James T Kirk: played....by...will...iam...shatner Spock: logicly played by Leonard Nimoy Dr. "Bones" McCoy: played by DeForrest Kelly...and dangit Jim, I'm an actor, not a doctor! The Voice of Scotty: played by teh voice of James Doohan (aren't these all just a little to familiar, redundant, repetative and cliche?) who cares what happened last week in ATTB? ITS STAR TREK WEEK ON ATTB! We join our characters as they are engaged in a deep discussion of the explosive capacity of cattle's spleens..... Raul: .....Now when we transmography the deligaeter with a friction co-efficiant of pi to the pi power and add in the third gravitational constant of the universe...... I.M.: Where the heck did you learn all this??? Kirk: Kirk...to...enter..PRISE...we..have...ar..RIVED...phasers.... set..on...STUN.... Spock: Captian, we seem to have six unidentified life forms staring in our direction. It is only logical do assume they're looking at us. However, should that initial assesment be incorrect, it would be a logical desicion to look behind us. Kirk: What...are..they...Bones? Bones: Dangit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an enclyclopedia. Buffy: Huh? Kirk: Kirk..to..enter..PRISE..we SEEM...to...have...en..countered... non-intelligent...life...FORMS Al: What in allllllllmighty creation are YOU doing here? I.M.: I work here. Al: Not YOU you dimwit! THEM! Kirk: Bones! See....to that...man! Bones: He's dead Jim! Esmerelda: Who's dead? Bones: I.M. dead Kirk: You're dead bones?? Howard: Who's "Your" and why are they dead? And how the heck did so many extras get into this issue?????? Bones: NO! He's dead! I.M. is dead! I.M.: My name is "Your?" Spock: This is highly illogical Bones: Shut up you pointy eared vulcan freak! Kirk: Bones...be..HAVE..yourself! I'm.....very...dis..aPOINT..ed...in you! Howard: AH HAH! You're I'm and YOU'RE dead!!! I.M.: NO! MY name is "Your" and I'm dead! Buffy: Someone's dead? Howard: Who's this "Someone" character and how did THEY die??? Spock: Three people, I.M., Your, and Someone have all died and we have no motive or method or even two of the bodies. This is highly illogical! Bones: Dangit Jim, I'm a doctor not a detective! Raul: I know! Mrs.Peacock did it in the Library with the Revolver!!!! Esmerelda: You got it Raul!!!!! Congradulations, you win! Kirk: Kirk...to enter....PRISE....get us...out...of here...now! Voice of Scotty: Ay Cap'n! Stay tuned for next weeks issue of ATTB where our heros resume their normal roles and battle the evil Computoman for control of the planet!!! Oooo Ahhh Ohhhh!!!!! Guest ATTB author, etan/YoursTruely (Nathan Rische) *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your question Once upon a time, the Wise Sage sent us an answer to a reader's question. The staff misplaced this question and completely forgot about it...UNTIL NOW...when melvan was cleaning out her various mailboxes and found it in a very unlikely place. Dear Wise Sage, How hot could a gfot snot if a gfot could snot snot? Yours Truely Dear Yours Truely, That would be 30 degrees Calvin & Hobbes, the new temperature scale, which is somewhat related to the Kelvin scale. (Actually, it's its uncle) Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage, Why don't I have a girlfriend? Johnny Dear Johnny, Most likely it's because of your name. I advise you to change it to "Mel Gibson" or "Brad Pitt" Wise Sage ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com Bugs ---- A Parody of "Smug" by Steve Taylor Find them in your clothes Maybe in your hair Crawling in your nightie Tromping down the stairs Almost anywhere (Ooh, just like mice!) Practice in a mirror Hunting them like deer Very sincere A promising career could begin right here at home If you like them bugs, them bugs... Hey mama, hey mama look at what your little babies all gone and done Hey mama, hey mama don't you ever wish you'd gone and been a nun? Not vain, not fickle, maybe weaned on a pickle Must be in our blood Rome's flambeeing, we're okaying bugs Find some more of those Little gnats and ticks Smother them with ketchup Get your buggy fix We love the nightcrawlers We love the bugs underneath the hedge Find some more bugs Eat them like a man One part little spiders Two part drosophilan Or is that more than you can stand? My, my, don't you like bugs? Scary, scary, scary, scary Hey mama, hey mama look at what your little babies all gone and done Hey mama, hey mama don't you ever wish you'd gone and been a nun? Not vain, not fickle, maybe weaned on a pickle Must be in our blood Rome's flambeeing, we're okaying bugs All you bug-starved millions just a looking for more Welcome to our store! What you wanna munch? We can help you eat lunch from little sugar ants to great big bugs Bugs from the homes of our country club brethren Scraped fresh from a tomb Or maybe from the bottom of a locker room broom Now what's the matter? Hey? Looking for cheese? That part don't come till later! The chef will not be pleased... Hey mama, hey mama look at what your little babies all gone and done Hey mama, hey mama don't you ever wish you'd gone and been a nun? Not vain, not fickle, maybe weaned on a pickle Must be in our blood Rome's flambeeing, we're okaying Rome is frying, we're all trying Rome is heating, now we're eating Bugs. (Voiceover on fadeout:) "I wanna talk to you about bugs, people. You think they're so good? No, they ain't good, and I wanna tell you why. You wanna eat a good bug, you come to me. You lookin for some insects? Cuz I got 'em. You lookin for some arachnids? Cuz I got 'em. They're good, they're crunchy, they're better than yours! You look at me and you say, brother, how can I find such bugs. Well, I'll tell ya. It took me a long time! I've arrived! I'm alive! I've got the best bugs!..." (By Weird Alex) And here's a song that got started on IRC on Thursday morning...er, afternoon when I was telling some friends about a skunk that invaded our shed once. Oh, the cat's locked in the pickup The cat's locked in the pickup The cat's locked in the pickup And Dad got out his gun Maybe you had to be there... ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ A letter from Marianne Love Dear FME folks, I'd like to announce that Postcards from Potato Land, the title of which was inspired by FME, will be released March 1. Please pass the information along to all the loyal readers. If they want their personally autographed copies, they can write me at firstname.lastname@example.org for more details like how much it's gonna cost and how much they're gonna love every one of its 195 pages. Thanks for your inspiration. I'd like to borrow from a famous quote: One Farm Macheenery Exploding can make a difference. Your publication certainly did that for me. ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Odor ---- Like the smell of 5,000 dirty gym socks left out in the rain... Like the smell of a garbage heap rotting in the sun... Like the smell of a culture that hasn't yet discovered deodorant... This is the smell of my little brother's winter snow boots after he takes them off. Wheeeeeyoo! eener **disclaimer: this is from a long time ago...I vividly remember the funny odor his boots used to emanate. I'm thinking his boots probably smell *much* better now! (at least I hope they do...I don't live at home anymore, so I haven't had the pleasure to smell my brother's boots for awhile!) :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).