FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE
F MM MM E Farm Macheenery
F M M M M E (exploding)
FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #6
F M M M E
F M M E
F M M EEEEEEEEE
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The Writers (in no particular order):
Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper
Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
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(insert intro here)
All right, all right. You sure are pushy! (ahem) Excuse me for that
violent outburst. This is the sixth issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding)
Magazine. Yada yada yada, intro stuff, blah blah, etc. Now on to
the magazine.
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Hello everyone! We are very pleased and excited to announce
the formation of a very exciting and innovative alternative
band. THE BURNING FRUITCAKES!!!! We hope you will check
out their debut album, available at no stores near you. Some
of the singles include...
A Fruitcake is Forever
All I want for Christmas is a fruitcake
Great Balls of Fruitcakes
and many more enjoyable tunes.
(hmmm...do you notice a theme here??)
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We are very proud to bring you the next section in
the magazine, which has absolutely nothing to do
with any of the rest of the magazine.
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THE SECTION WHERE OTHER PEOPLE WRITE
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I don't think I should have to explain what is in this
section. If you don't know what it's for, call toll-free
1-800-IM-STUPID. If you have an article you'd like to
have in the magazine (that is, if you're brave enough
to admit that you actually read this magazine), send it to
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu. We will read all articles
and decide where to put them in. We do ask two things:
1. Keep it clean. We won't put anything in the
magazine that isn't.
2. Don't send us stuff longer than about 40 lines.
We want to keep the magazine short enough so you
don't get bored reading it.
This week our first article comes to us from Potato Land.
Stay tuned, as this may become a weekly feature.
Hello:
Welcome to this week's edition of "Postcards from Potato Land." Before we
all get started, it is important that all Farm Macheenery readers know that
Potato Land has been misplaced often. This has been harmful to our morale.
We in Potato Land want the world to know that we are not next to Illinois
or South Dakota, or whatever other states are back there growing all those
big ears.
We here in North Potato Land don't grow many spuds except for an occasional
red russet or netted gem. And we try to avoid raising too many Nazis and
skinheads and all that there type of stuff. We concentrate on promoting
potato heads alone. But the national press loves to think that we potato
heads don't have the eyes and ears to notice when they malign our pretty
area on "Extra" and "Inside Edition" and "Hard Copy" with sensational type
stories about all the scary people hiding under our pine trees and amongst
our huckleberry bushes.
We've got real nice folks here and pretty places to look at. This week our
"postcard from potato land" will deal with that there catalog company some
of ya may have home on yur coffee table called "Coldwater Creek." For
those who ain't never experienced the "ambience" of the Coldwater Creek
Bridge, ya oughta see it.
They've got all kinds of fancy stuffed tigers and lions and moose sittin'
in the store. And the muzic they play is real pretty and soothing. One of
the 25 or so "expresso" houses in our town is on that bridge too.
Downstairs they've got some good smellin' pizza baked in a brick oven.
Best of all, the whole place overlooks a crick that comes down from a
pretty ski mountain. It's a purty place in a purty town.
As a native of " North Potato Land," I look forward to tellin' you a whole
lot more about this place and sharin some of my Pocket Girdles adventures
that took place here when I was growin' up. In the meantime, I'll be
lookin for you in the Macheen Zine.
My next topic will deal with the question you must all be asking. What the
heck is a "pocket girdle"?
May your spuds go thud in the mud.
PG
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Another Survey:)
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Haha, you betcha! We had such a booming response
(two responses) to the last survey that we printed,
that we figured it deserved an encore!!!! Here goes...
1. What is your favorite (made-up) name for an
alternative band?
a. Psycho Auctioneer
b. I.M.A. Booger
c. Spleen Demons
d. Forty-five Oatflakes
2. Why is Barney the Dinosaur purple?
a. Why ask why?
b. Because some careless child
spilled grapejuice on him
c. Because Smurfs were blue, so
they had to use another color this time
3. Which of the following 3 word combinations
appeals most to you?
a. Farm, Macheenery, Exploding
b. plop, plop, plop
c. weevil, termite, politician
d. idiotic, weedwhacker, hoopla
4. What will you find at the end of the rainbow?
a. Judy Garland
b. Lucky the Leprachaun
c. a mud puddle
d. a treasure chest full of back issues of fme
5. Do you believe in spontaneous human combustion?
a. Yes
b. No
c. I believe in it for a fact,
since there are flames shooting out my ears.
d. All of the above.
You can send all responses to this survey to
either melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu or renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu.
We'll print the results in a future issue, which
I am sure you'll be breathlessly anticipating.
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Dumb-Poetry-In-A-Card-Type-Trash
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(Mel, you're gonna hafta do this part-
you've got the dpiactt)
Okay, will do.
(actually, I didn't. I was about to when the fire alarm rang
and I had to get out of the building before it incinerated.)
One of these poems (again) was sent to us by The Inexperienced
Avatar. We hope you enjoy them.
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Questions
---------
I ponder the
Great Questions
of life...
The Blooming of the rose
The workings or the ant...
the twinklings of the stars...
and the fact that
Superman always
wears the same underwear.
XX
----------
Whimsy (with occasional recourse to a dictionary)
I found a small flimsy
Patch of white whimsy
Surrounded by fluff
& potatos and stuff
A seraph in green
& a piglet to wean
Septennial blooms
In red-panelled rooms
A facsimile of spring
Tied up with old string
Expidition'ry boots
With not enough roots
Rutger Hauer in grey
Crooning softly "Ole"
The whimsy refrains
From disturbing more brains
& drifts past my head
As I fall of the bed.
The Inexperienced Avatar
(penname of The Other One)
------------
Ozone
-----
The Ozone is disintegrating-
They say.
Rain forests are burning-
And it's our fault.
But I realize
They are overreacting,
Spending millions of dollars,
To see if cow flatulence contributes.
DP
Laboratory
----------
The twisted Amoeba
Slithers
Through
Life
Perhaps
Always
Wondering...
About the
Huge eye always
on the
Horizon.
XX
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR....
(drumroll....oops! Someone shot the drummer!
Boom!)
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* *
* WISE SAGE *
* *
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The first letter from this week comes from The Haxiem.
The question:
Dear Wise Sage,
What is that dent under the nose called? Is there
any purpose for it? If not, could you suggest one?
--The Haxiem
To The Haxiem,
if you want to know the "real" answer to this question,
go down to your local friendly library, and cut off all of the
librarians heads. Hahaha. Just kidding. Check out the book
_When Did Wild Poodles Roam the Earth_.(this book actually
exists) There is a section in this book that addresses this
issue. However, MY answer to the question is a little different.
Hmmmm... I addressed this question to the "B" man (otherwise
known as Renee's, alias XX's boyfriend).
He said that the groove is for when you
are mountain climbing, and need to take a break, or stop
to get a breath of air. You hook the groove onto the side
of the mountain. As for what the Wise Sage thinks it's called. Hmmmm...
How 'bout we call it the "Wimble Borg Oompus Electrus".
--Wise Sage
And the second letter for the week comes from Haxiem (not related
to THE Haxiem)
And the question is....
Dear Wise Sage,
Ok....this igloo thermos thing. It keeps hot things hot
and cold things cold. But how does it know?
--Haxiem (not related to THE Haxiem)
And the answer is...
Dear Haxiem,
It's psychic. It just KNOWS, know what I mean? Actually
I prefer the term "psycho", but whatever you call it, remember:
it just KNOWS....
--Wise Sage
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And now, it's time for us to say "toot-a-loo" until next week.
Here is one last thought to leave you with...
"Remember- an O that is turned upside-down, is still an O."
To subscribe to "Farm Macheenery (Exploding)", email
Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu