FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #6 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ (insert intro here) All right, all right. You sure are pushy! (ahem) Excuse me for that violent outburst. This is the sixth issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine. Yada yada yada, intro stuff, blah blah, etc. Now on to the magazine. ***************** Hello everyone! We are very pleased and excited to announce the formation of a very exciting and innovative alternative band. THE BURNING FRUITCAKES!!!! We hope you will check out their debut album, available at no stores near you. Some of the singles include... A Fruitcake is Forever All I want for Christmas is a fruitcake Great Balls of Fruitcakes and many more enjoyable tunes. (hmmm...do you notice a theme here??) ******************** We are very proud to bring you the next section in the magazine, which has absolutely nothing to do with any of the rest of the magazine. ************************************ THE SECTION WHERE OTHER PEOPLE WRITE ************************************ I don't think I should have to explain what is in this section. If you don't know what it's for, call toll-free 1-800-IM-STUPID. If you have an article you'd like to have in the magazine (that is, if you're brave enough to admit that you actually read this magazine), send it to melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu. We will read all articles and decide where to put them in. We do ask two things: 1. Keep it clean. We won't put anything in the magazine that isn't. 2. Don't send us stuff longer than about 40 lines. We want to keep the magazine short enough so you don't get bored reading it. This week our first article comes to us from Potato Land. Stay tuned, as this may become a weekly feature. Hello: Welcome to this week's edition of "Postcards from Potato Land." Before we all get started, it is important that all Farm Macheenery readers know that Potato Land has been misplaced often. This has been harmful to our morale. We in Potato Land want the world to know that we are not next to Illinois or South Dakota, or whatever other states are back there growing all those big ears. We here in North Potato Land don't grow many spuds except for an occasional red russet or netted gem. And we try to avoid raising too many Nazis and skinheads and all that there type of stuff. We concentrate on promoting potato heads alone. But the national press loves to think that we potato heads don't have the eyes and ears to notice when they malign our pretty area on "Extra" and "Inside Edition" and "Hard Copy" with sensational type stories about all the scary people hiding under our pine trees and amongst our huckleberry bushes. We've got real nice folks here and pretty places to look at. This week our "postcard from potato land" will deal with that there catalog company some of ya may have home on yur coffee table called "Coldwater Creek." For those who ain't never experienced the "ambience" of the Coldwater Creek Bridge, ya oughta see it. They've got all kinds of fancy stuffed tigers and lions and moose sittin' in the store. And the muzic they play is real pretty and soothing. One of the 25 or so "expresso" houses in our town is on that bridge too. Downstairs they've got some good smellin' pizza baked in a brick oven. Best of all, the whole place overlooks a crick that comes down from a pretty ski mountain. It's a purty place in a purty town. As a native of " North Potato Land," I look forward to tellin' you a whole lot more about this place and sharin some of my Pocket Girdles adventures that took place here when I was growin' up. In the meantime, I'll be lookin for you in the Macheen Zine. My next topic will deal with the question you must all be asking. What the heck is a "pocket girdle"? May your spuds go thud in the mud. PG ******************** Another Survey:) ******************** Haha, you betcha! We had such a booming response (two responses) to the last survey that we printed, that we figured it deserved an encore!!!! Here goes... 1. What is your favorite (made-up) name for an alternative band? a. Psycho Auctioneer b. I.M.A. Booger c. Spleen Demons d. Forty-five Oatflakes 2. Why is Barney the Dinosaur purple? a. Why ask why? b. Because some careless child spilled grapejuice on him c. Because Smurfs were blue, so they had to use another color this time 3. Which of the following 3 word combinations appeals most to you? a. Farm, Macheenery, Exploding b. plop, plop, plop c. weevil, termite, politician d. idiotic, weedwhacker, hoopla 4. What will you find at the end of the rainbow? a. Judy Garland b. Lucky the Leprachaun c. a mud puddle d. a treasure chest full of back issues of fme 5. Do you believe in spontaneous human combustion? a. Yes b. No c. I believe in it for a fact, since there are flames shooting out my ears. d. All of the above. You can send all responses to this survey to either melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu or renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu. We'll print the results in a future issue, which I am sure you'll be breathlessly anticipating. **************************** Dumb-Poetry-In-A-Card-Type-Trash **************************** (Mel, you're gonna hafta do this part- you've got the dpiactt) Okay, will do. (actually, I didn't. I was about to when the fire alarm rang and I had to get out of the building before it incinerated.) One of these poems (again) was sent to us by The Inexperienced Avatar. We hope you enjoy them. ***************************** Questions --------- I ponder the Great Questions of life... The Blooming of the rose The workings or the ant... the twinklings of the stars... and the fact that Superman always wears the same underwear. XX ---------- Whimsy (with occasional recourse to a dictionary) I found a small flimsy Patch of white whimsy Surrounded by fluff & potatos and stuff A seraph in green & a piglet to wean Septennial blooms In red-panelled rooms A facsimile of spring Tied up with old string Expidition'ry boots With not enough roots Rutger Hauer in grey Crooning softly "Ole" The whimsy refrains From disturbing more brains & drifts past my head As I fall of the bed. The Inexperienced Avatar (penname of The Other One) ------------ Ozone ----- The Ozone is disintegrating- They say. Rain forests are burning- And it's our fault. But I realize They are overreacting, Spending millions of dollars, To see if cow flatulence contributes. DP Laboratory ---------- The twisted Amoeba Slithers Through Life Perhaps Always Wondering... About the Huge eye always on the Horizon. XX AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR.... (drumroll....oops! Someone shot the drummer! Boom!) ******************* * * * WISE SAGE * * * ******************* The first letter from this week comes from The Haxiem. The question: Dear Wise Sage, What is that dent under the nose called? Is there any purpose for it? If not, could you suggest one? --The Haxiem To The Haxiem, if you want to know the "real" answer to this question, go down to your local friendly library, and cut off all of the librarians heads. Hahaha. Just kidding. Check out the book _When Did Wild Poodles Roam the Earth_.(this book actually exists) There is a section in this book that addresses this issue. However, MY answer to the question is a little different. Hmmmm... I addressed this question to the "B" man (otherwise known as Renee's, alias XX's boyfriend). He said that the groove is for when you are mountain climbing, and need to take a break, or stop to get a breath of air. You hook the groove onto the side of the mountain. As for what the Wise Sage thinks it's called. Hmmmm... How 'bout we call it the "Wimble Borg Oompus Electrus". --Wise Sage And the second letter for the week comes from Haxiem (not related to THE Haxiem) And the question is.... Dear Wise Sage, Ok....this igloo thermos thing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. But how does it know? --Haxiem (not related to THE Haxiem) And the answer is... Dear Haxiem, It's psychic. It just KNOWS, know what I mean? Actually I prefer the term "psycho", but whatever you call it, remember: it just KNOWS.... --Wise Sage +++++++++++++++++++++ And now, it's time for us to say "toot-a-loo" until next week. Here is one last thought to leave you with... "Remember- an O that is turned upside-down, is still an O." To subscribe to "Farm Macheenery (Exploding)", email Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu