Issue #59, 14 December 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #59
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--mel's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

This is the official Christmas Issue of FME.

Because I seriously doubt that there'll be an issue next week.

So Merry Christmas.

And Happy New Year.



The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

This week ATTB is a RERUN!!  Yes, that's right.  Due to this being the
week before Christmas, all the characters had to make their obligatory
appearances on various Christmas TV shows.  So we're repeating (in our
humble opinions) our very best episode of ATTB, for those of you who
weren't around at issue #19.

Last week on ATTB, all of the characters died due to their spleens
exploding.  Hahahahaha!  Just kidding.  Actually, I don't remember what

Scene:  Beautiful sunny beach.  There are beautiful palm trees swaying in
the breeze.

Baywatch babe:  Oh no!  Look!  There is someone drowning in the bay!

Baywatch dude: Hey!  Like put her down right now!!
Howard:  Hey, how did we get here?
Buffy:  I don't know.  I'm just glad I.M. isn't here.  He's so annoying.
Howard:  Where's Al?

I.M.:  Hey, who's the monkey?
Buffy:  What monkey?
Howard:  I don't see a monkey.
Al:  Huh?
I.M.:  I swear, I see a monkey!
Buffy:  I don't care!! Kiss me, you fool!  *grabs I.M. and kisses him*
I.M.:  Mmmmmf!

Meanwhile, Raul and Esmerelda are in the phone booth, calling the taxi

*all of a sudden, the Blues Brothers drive up and jump in the phone booth.
A lady blowtorches the phonebooth, and it shoots up into the air*

Director:  Cut, cut!  That scene was all wrong!!  Let's see it again!

*all of a sudden, the Blues Brothers drive up and jump in the phone booth.
A lady blowtorches the phonebooth, and it shoots up into the air*

Director:  CUT!!  That wasn't quite right, let's try it one more time...

*all of a sudden, the Blues Brothers drive up and jump in the phone booth.
A lady blowtorches the phonebooth, and it shoots up into the air

Director:  YES!  That was perfect!  Let's break for lunch.

Join us next week on "As the Tractor Burns"!!!  You never know who's going
to show up next...

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email with your question

Wise Sage:

What happens to smelt when it goes bad....does it start to smell good or

Wondering in Wisconsin

Dear Wondering,

When smelt goes bad, it smells like petunias.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

Why does it say that the writers to this magazine are in no particular
order, yet the order hasn't changed?  Doesn't that order become particular
since it never changes?


Dear Merlin,

If a car explodes every time it is driven, it will eventually be reduced
to rubble.  In this same sense, if an order is un-particular once it is
established, it will continue to be so ad infinitum.

Wise Sage

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email

If there is a fruit bat in your toilet, call 1-800-FRUTBAT


UPDATE:  Last week eener bought a toothbrush.

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Ha ha!

I listen to the weather report
sixty degrees and sunny!!
I open the door and look
at the beautiful sunshine...
I laugh
I grin
I jump for joy
I taunt all my friends and relatives
from the midwest...


*NOTE:  melvan is planning to throw several snowballs at eener when she
comes up to Wisconsin...

Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed
in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in
regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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