Issue #58, 9 December 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       PudgeEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       Pudge              Issue #58
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F               M       M       PiggyEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--mel's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

And now, FME proudly presents to you...


"You see, I was born with a big rake in my head."
  - from one of melvan's co-workers at Pizza Hut
"Attention personnel, we have just lost our last marble."
  - from the same cook at Pizza Hut
"I'm dog poop!"
  - you guessed it, the SAME cook said this
"And it was an Armani, too!"
  - comment from another cook at Pizza Hut, when he got sauce on his work
"I do like fm(e), just once a week is enough."
  - comment from an anonymous subscriber who received three copies of the
    same issue of FME in one week
"It won't work!"
  - Elkvis, when once asked what was wrong with his computer

And in the SCARY BUT TRUE FACTS category this week:

Visit guessed it, the OFFICIAL Chia Pet web
site.  What will they think of next....


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, Esmerelda turned off caps lock.  Wow.  How exciting.

And we said that this week you'd find out what the gang's Christmas plans
were.  Well...they don't have any.

Raul:  What are we doing for Christmas this year?
Al:  You're asking this already?  Christmas is still two weeks away, we've
got PLENTY of time to decide that.
Howard:  Yeah, what he said.
I.M.:  Hey, isn't that my line?
Al:  Um...could be.  Or maybe it's mine?
Howard:  I don't care.  We've all said it.  I forget who started it.
Esmerelda:  Will you all just SHUT UP!!!
Raul:  Sheesh, fine.
(Everyone shuts up)

Join us next time, when Buffy MAY actually get a line.

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email with your question

Dear Wise Sage,

Okay [deep breath]: *what* is the meaning of life?  Nonono.. not, like
'life, the universe, and everything', I mean that stuff in the box.. they
call it cereal --what *IS* that stuff about?  What is the meaning of Life,
a nutritious part of this complete breakfast?

From, Sean

Dear Sean,

Three words:  "Mikey likes it."

Wise Sage

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email

Skiing Hills
To the tune of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
On a brand new pair of skis
O'er the hills I go
Crashing into trees
All the trees fall down
Make me look like a clown
Oh what fun it is to ride
An ambulance to town!

Skiing Hills
Skiing Hills
Crashing all the way
Oh what fun it is to crash down skiing hills to day!

A week or two ago
I heard of a new hill
So I thought I'd go
And try it for a thrill
The hill was mighty steep
When I woke from my sleep
I couldn't figure where I was
Till I heard the IV beep...


(Another contribution to Western Civilization from the one known as Weird

by `Luthien

I work in a grocery store deli, and we have these scales for the meat,
cheese, and other products.  You place the product on the scale, punch in
the code, and out pops a label with the price.  It also has an automatic
setting for labelling cups, containers of salad, etc.

One night, after labelling some cups, Jen (the other deli worker that
night) took the machine off of the automatic setting and walked away.
Another five minutes later, we looked over, and the machine was spitting
out labels for corn dogs....Jen swears she took it off the auto setting.
I went over and took it off auto myself.

......half an hour later.....

I looked over at the machine, and it was spitting out labels again!
Neither of us had touched the auto setting since the last incident.  In
fact, neither of us had been _near_ the machine in at least 15 minutes.

That machine is possessed!



Yes folks, it's true...I, eener have purchased a new toothbrush.  I had
been intending to do so for several weeks, but every time I went into the
toothbrush aisle the overwhelming number of toothbrush choices overwhelmed
me!  I would then be overcome by indecision and leave the toothbrush
aisle.  However, today I made up my mind to get a toothbrush once and for
all!!  I went to my local friendly wal-mart store and wandered around for
a bit until I got up the courage to navigate the toothbrush row.  I
bravely looked at the many brands of toothbrushes, and chose one off the
shelf.  Hah!  Mission accomplished!

Next week:  eener chooses a toothpaste

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

The Christmas Macarena*

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Joy to the world, the Lord is come
Hey, Macarena!
We three kings of orient are
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Here we go a wassailing among the leaves so green
Hey, Macarena!


* Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, they release a
Christmas version of the Macarena!!  AARGH!  This is a true story; melvan
ACTUALLY heard the Christmas Macarena on the radio on Sunday...


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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