FFFFFFFFF M M PudgeEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M Pudge Issue #58 F M M M E F M M E F M M PiggyEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --mel's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ And now, FME proudly presents to you... PRICELESS QUOTES "You see, I was born with a big rake in my head." - from one of melvan's co-workers at Pizza Hut "Attention personnel, we have just lost our last marble." - from the same cook at Pizza Hut "I'm dog poop!" - you guessed it, the SAME cook said this "And it was an Armani, too!" - comment from another cook at Pizza Hut, when he got sauce on his work shirt "I do like fm(e), just once a week is enough." - comment from an anonymous subscriber who received three copies of the same issue of FME in one week "It won't work!" - Elkvis, when once asked what was wrong with his computer And in the SCARY BUT TRUE FACTS category this week: Visit http://www.chia.com/ for...you guessed it, the OFFICIAL Chia Pet web site. What will they think of next.... #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last week on ATTB, Esmerelda turned off caps lock. Wow. How exciting. And we said that this week you'd find out what the gang's Christmas plans were. Well...they don't have any. Raul: What are we doing for Christmas this year? Al: You're asking this already? Christmas is still two weeks away, we've got PLENTY of time to decide that. Howard: Yeah, what he said. I.M.: Hey, isn't that my line? Al: Um...could be. Or maybe it's mine? Howard: I don't care. We've all said it. I forget who started it. Esmerelda: Will you all just SHUT UP!!! Raul: Sheesh, fine. (Everyone shuts up) Join us next time, when Buffy MAY actually get a line. *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your question Dear Wise Sage, Okay [deep breath]: *what* is the meaning of life? Nonono.. not, like 'life, the universe, and everything', I mean that stuff in the box.. they call it cereal --what *IS* that stuff about? What is the meaning of Life, a nutritious part of this complete breakfast? From, Sean Dear Sean, Three words: "Mikey likes it." Wise Sage ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com Skiing Hills ------------ To the tune of Jingle Bells Dashing through the snow On a brand new pair of skis O'er the hills I go Crashing into trees All the trees fall down Make me look like a clown Oh what fun it is to ride An ambulance to town! Skiing Hills Skiing Hills Crashing all the way Oh what fun it is to crash down skiing hills to day! (Repeat) A week or two ago I heard of a new hill So I thought I'd go And try it for a thrill The hill was mighty steep When I woke from my sleep I couldn't figure where I was Till I heard the IV beep... Chorus (Another contribution to Western Civilization from the one known as Weird Al(ex)) ........Possessed! by `Luthien I work in a grocery store deli, and we have these scales for the meat, cheese, and other products. You place the product on the scale, punch in the code, and out pops a label with the price. It also has an automatic setting for labelling cups, containers of salad, etc. One night, after labelling some cups, Jen (the other deli worker that night) took the machine off of the automatic setting and walked away. Another five minutes later, we looked over, and the machine was spitting out labels for corn dogs....Jen swears she took it off the auto setting. I went over and took it off auto myself. ......half an hour later..... I looked over at the machine, and it was spitting out labels again! Neither of us had touched the auto setting since the last incident. In fact, neither of us had been _near_ the machine in at least 15 minutes. That machine is possessed! ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ EENER BUYS A NEW TOOTHBRUSH! Yes folks, it's true...I, eener have purchased a new toothbrush. I had been intending to do so for several weeks, but every time I went into the toothbrush aisle the overwhelming number of toothbrush choices overwhelmed me! I would then be overcome by indecision and leave the toothbrush aisle. However, today I made up my mind to get a toothbrush once and for all!! I went to my local friendly wal-mart store and wandered around for a bit until I got up the courage to navigate the toothbrush row. I bravely looked at the many brands of toothbrushes, and chose one off the shelf. Hah! Mission accomplished! Next week: eener chooses a toothpaste ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- The Christmas Macarena* ----------------------- Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? Deck the halls with boughs of holly Joy to the world, the Lord is come Hey, Macarena! We three kings of orient are Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Here we go a wassailing among the leaves so green Hey, Macarena! melvan * Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, they release a Christmas version of the Macarena!! AARGH! This is a true story; melvan ACTUALLY heard the Christmas Macarena on the radio on Sunday... :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).