FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #57 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --mel's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Um...excuse me, there's a fly on your nose. Yes, you. YOUR nose. There is a FLY on YOUR NOSE. Yes there is! I saw it with my own two eyes! Don't argue with me! I know what I'm talking about! Yep, it's that time again. FME has once again exploded and landed in YOUR mailbox. There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it, except unsubscribe...but we know you wouldn't EVER do that, right? Can you believe it? FME is actually going out ON TIME this week! #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di lAST WEEK ON attb, WE FORGOT TO TURN OFF CAPS LOCK. tHIS WEEK ON attb, THE CHARACTERS ARE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THEY'RE YELLING AT EVERYONE. eSMERELDA: hEY YOU STUPID PEOPLE, WE'RE YELLING AT EACH OTHER! rAUL: i KNOW! wHY ARE WE DOING THIS? aL: i HAVE NO CLUE! dID SOMEONE FORGET TO TURN OFF THE VACUMM CLEANER? hOWARD: wHAT? aL: i SAID, "dID SOMEONE FORGET TO TURN OFF THE VACUMM CLEANER?" bUFFY: wILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP? i'M TRYING TO VACUMM THIS PLACE! iT'S A MESS! i.m.: i THINK THE STUPID WRITERS FORGOT TO TURN OFF CAPS LOCK AGAIN. tHAT'S WHY WE'RE YELLING AT EACH OTHER. hOWARD: yEAH, WHAT HE SAID. eSMERELDA: fINE, IF THEY CAN'T REMEMBER TO TURN OFF CAPS LOCK, i GUESS i'LL JUST HAVE TO DO IT FOR THEM! (REACHES OVER TO THE KEYBOARD AND HITS THE 'CAPS LOCK' KEY) Buffy: hEY! i'M TRYING TO VACUMM HERE! Raul: Buffy! Esmerelda turned off caps lock! You don't have to yell anymore! Buffy: sHE DID? I mean, She did? Esmerelda: Yes. I did. Al: You turned off caps lock? Howard: Esmerelda turned off caps lock? I.M.: Yeah, I think so...you *did* turn off caps lock, didn't you, Esmerelda? Esmerelda: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Join us next time, when we find out what the gang's Christmas plans are. *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your question Dear Sagette, I need a woman's advice....but a Sagette will do I guess. Anyway, I have this fiancee` who has been waiting for an engagement ring for some time now. I have no clue as to what I am doing though. Do you think I could successfully fool her into thinking that one of those cheap little "Made in Mexico" rings at Wal-Mart, the $5.99 ones, was a real live diamond ring? Should I try to pull it off? Sincerely, Cheap Procrastinator in Georgia Dear Procrastinator, Actually, it would be more economical to purchase one out of a gumball machine. (Hee hee!) Wise Sage ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com I (eener) have an email pal named CoG up in Canada, and we had an email conversation recently regarding air travel. He asked me if I was going to visit him sometime and said he wondered what it would cost for a plane ticket to Phoenix. I replied back wondering what Phoenix had to do with me visiting Canada??? He replied back with the following email... "uhh... yes Horatio, or do I forget myself? ...I essentially am not in madness, but mad in craft.. .thus, conscience does make cowards of us all. O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I! I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw. O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain! That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain; I loved Rebecca; forty thousand brothers could not, will their quantity of love, make up my sum. O, that this too too-solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew! Or that the everlasting had not fix'd His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! God! O God! How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world! Fie on't! O fie! 'tis an unweeded garden, that grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature posses it merely. That it should come to this!" I found it quite humorous that he should reply to my email in this manner and wrote him back saying so...he wondered at first why I thought it was funny, so I said I thought it was humorous to get Shakespeare quotes back when I asked what Canada had to do with Phoenix. He said he figured it was a bit humorous. I asked him if I could print it in FME, and he said "I suppose, if you like.. just put at the bottom: Various quotes from Shakespeares "Hamlet" arranged and chosen by CoG. :-)" Anyway, I just wanted to share that with y'all. (by the way, it turns out he was talking 'bout Phoenix because his dad lives there :) ) ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ News? News? WE DON'T NEED NO STEENKING NEWS! ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- *ahem* Remember last year, when we ran a poem entitled "Snop" and thus declared 'snop' as the Official Bad Word of FME? Uh...well...IT'S BACK!! Snop II ------- snow on the windshield snow on the car door snow falls on the seat when i open the door snow melts on my pants when i sit on the seat snow makes for a cold ride to work oh...snop i throw a snowball at my brother and why is there a ceramic pig on my shelf? melvan Screen sheep ------------ The little sheep wanders around my computer screen Hopping Jumping Diving into bathtubs Oh no!! An alien in a ufo beamed him aboard! my little computer buddy... eener ***Note: this computer program actually exists!! If you're interested in getting a copy, contact eener ;) :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).