Issue #57, 2 December 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #57
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener): eener@juno.com
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@wildstar.net

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--mel's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Um...excuse me, there's a fly on your nose.  Yes, you.  YOUR nose.  There
is a FLY on YOUR NOSE.  Yes there is!  I saw it with my own two eyes!
Don't argue with me!  I know what I'm talking about!

Yep, it's that time again.  FME has once again exploded and landed in YOUR
mailbox.  There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it, except
unsubscribe...but we know you wouldn't EVER do that, right?

Can you believe it?  FME is actually going out ON TIME this week!

####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

lAST WEEK ON attb, WE FORGOT TO TURN OFF CAPS LOCK.  tHIS WEEK ON attb,
THE CHARACTERS ARE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THEY'RE YELLING AT
EVERYONE.

eSMERELDA:  hEY YOU STUPID PEOPLE, WE'RE YELLING AT EACH OTHER!
rAUL:  i KNOW!  wHY ARE WE DOING THIS?
aL:  i HAVE NO CLUE!  dID SOMEONE FORGET TO TURN OFF THE VACUMM CLEANER?
hOWARD:  wHAT?
aL:  i SAID, "dID SOMEONE FORGET TO TURN OFF THE VACUMM CLEANER?"
bUFFY:  wILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP?  i'M TRYING TO VACUMM THIS PLACE!  iT'S A
MESS!
i.m.:  i THINK THE STUPID WRITERS FORGOT TO TURN OFF CAPS LOCK AGAIN.
tHAT'S WHY WE'RE YELLING AT EACH OTHER.
hOWARD:  yEAH, WHAT HE SAID.
eSMERELDA:  fINE, IF THEY CAN'T REMEMBER TO TURN OFF CAPS LOCK, i GUESS
i'LL JUST HAVE TO DO IT FOR THEM!  (REACHES OVER TO THE KEYBOARD AND HITS
THE 'CAPS LOCK' KEY)
Buffy:  hEY!  i'M TRYING TO VACUMM HERE!
Raul:  Buffy!  Esmerelda turned off caps lock!  You don't have to yell
anymore!
Buffy:  sHE DID?  I mean, She did?
Esmerelda:  Yes.  I did.
Al:  You turned off caps lock?
Howard:  Esmerelda turned off caps lock?
I.M.:  Yeah, I think so...you *did* turn off caps lock, didn't you,
Esmerelda?
Esmerelda:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Join us next time, when we find out what the gang's Christmas plans are.

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email eener@juno.com with your question

Dear Sagette,

I need a woman's advice....but a Sagette will do I guess.  Anyway, I have
this fiancee` who has been waiting for an engagement ring for some time
now.  I have no clue as to what I am doing though.  Do you think I could
successfully fool her into thinking that one of those cheap little "Made
in Mexico" rings at Wal-Mart, the $5.99 ones, was a real live diamond
ring?  Should I try to pull it off?

Sincerely,
Cheap Procrastinator in Georgia

Dear Procrastinator,

Actually, it would be more economical to purchase one out of a gumball
machine.
(Hee hee!)

Wise Sage

*************************
Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
*************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email melvan@wildstar.net

I (eener) have an email pal named CoG up in Canada, and we had an email
conversation recently regarding air travel.  He asked me if I was going to
visit him sometime and said he wondered what it would cost for a plane
ticket to Phoenix.  I replied back wondering what Phoenix had to do with
me visiting Canada???  He replied back with the following email...

"uhh... yes Horatio, or do I forget myself?  ...I essentially am not in
madness, but mad in craft.. .thus, conscience does make cowards of us all.
O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I! I am but mad north-north-west:
when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.  O villain,
villain, smiling, damned villain! That one may smile, and smile, and be a
villain; I loved Rebecca; forty thousand brothers could not, will their
quantity of love, make up my sum.

O, that this too too-solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into
a dew! Or that the everlasting had not fix'd His canon 'gainst
self-slaughter! God! O God! How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem
to me all the uses of this world!  Fie on't! O fie! 'tis an unweeded
garden, that grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature posses it
merely.  That it should come to this!"

I found it quite humorous that he should reply to my email in this manner
and wrote him back saying so...he wondered at first why I thought it was
funny, so I said I thought it was humorous to get Shakespeare quotes back
when I asked what Canada had to do with Phoenix.  He said he figured it
was a bit humorous.  I asked him if I could print it in FME, and he said
"I suppose, if you like.. just put at the bottom: Various quotes from
Shakespeares "Hamlet" arranged and chosen by CoG. :-)"  Anyway, I just
wanted to share that with y'all.  (by the way, it turns out he was talking
'bout Phoenix because his dad lives there :) )

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

News?  News?  WE DON'T NEED NO STEENKING NEWS!

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

*ahem* Remember last year, when we ran a poem entitled "Snop" and thus
declared 'snop' as the Official Bad Word of FME?  Uh...well...IT'S BACK!!

Snop II
-------

snow
on the windshield
snow
on the car door
snow
falls on the seat when i open the door
snow
melts on my pants when i sit on the seat
snow
makes for a cold ride to work
oh...snop
i throw a snowball
at my brother
and why is there a ceramic pig on my shelf?

melvan







Screen sheep
------------

The little sheep
wanders around my computer screen
Hopping
Jumping
Diving into bathtubs
Oh no!!
An alien in a ufo beamed him aboard!
my little computer buddy...

eener

***Note:  this computer program actually exists!!  If you're interested in
getting a copy, contact eener ;)

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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