FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #56 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --mel's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ NEW EMAIL ADDRESS FOR FME!!! firstname.lastname@example.org Hahaha...just kidding. #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last week on ATTB, nothing happened because we lost the plot. This week, the gang is going to a hockey game. Raul: What's that? Esmerelda: What's what? Raul: That. Esmerelda: WHAT?? Raul: Never mind. ANNOUNCER: WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU AN IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN. A FLY HAS BEEN FOUND IN THE WHITE HOUSE. WE NOW TAKE YOU LIVE TO THE FRONT STEPS OF THE WHITE HOUSE, WHERE PRESIDENT CLINTON IS ABOUT TO MAKE A SPEECH. jOIN US NEXT TIME, WHEN WE MAY POSSIBLY TURN OFF CAPS LOCK... *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! Email email@example.com with your question Helloooo wacky readers! Welcome to our wise sage column for this week. The wise sage announced recently that she has a new advisor to help answer the readers' questions. I'm proud to introduce to you the advisor, by the name of "The Guru" aka Darin Werner. He is occasionally going to help the wise sage write profound answers to your questions. ********** Dear Wise Sage, i have child development and the professor was talking about birth and the process and he said, why do people say the water breaks, then we thought about it and suddenly we all want to know, how can water break? so my question for -- oops, am i writing it to the wrong person, is it for eener??- i dont know, my question for the wise sage is How can water break? it cant, so why do they say it? sincerely, sincerely confused. please dont use my name, thanks, Anonymous Dear Anonymous, Whoever invented the phrase for water 'breaking' is probably the same person who invented tofu...or the person who invented driving on a parkway and driving on a parkway! By the way, news doesn't break either...unless it was printed on a piece of glass and dropped on the ground. Wise Sage ======== Dear Wise Sage, How is it that Mary Poppins can fly with an umbrella. Does she have an aerodynamically shaped umbrella that creates lift when the wind blows slightly? Perhaps its all the hot air that she is full of. I think kids who love the movie should have the right to know how she flies. All of Disney's films are so unrealistic. Kids brains are being warped. I demand that everyone boycott all Disney films. KILL DISNEY!!!!! Rickey Rat, the Disney character that got cut in favor of Mickey Mouse Dear Rickey Rat, Do you recall the part of the movie where they sing the song "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down?" This medicine was actually a haluconegenic drug that caused it to appear that Mary Poppins was floating...but she actually wasn't! And one more thing: the cow didn't *actually* jump over the moon. Wise Sage ======== Oh great and exalted Wise Sage, Here is my problem: I have a girlfriend, whom I really like. This weekend, I went to a church-sponsored event and met someone who could be *THE ONE*, if you know what I mean. Then, at church this Sunday, I saw another girl who struck me as possibly being *THE ONE*. So right now I'm incredibly confused. I could end up with some really big phone bills if I don't figure this out soon. Please help. Confused in Canada. Dear Confused in Canada, Firstly, you'll need a magic eight ball. Shake it all up and read the answer...then follow its instructions. If you feel that this is not a good way to pursue a solution to your dilemma you can try plan B: write to Dear Abby ;) Wise Sage ========== O Wise Sage, Why are all the Halloween candies that are supposed to be soft always as hard as rocks? --the beerboy Dear beerboy, Because they ARE rocks! There is a highly secret operation run by dentists...they take rocks and cover them with chocolate and sell them to the general public for halloween. This breaks peoples' teeth and voila!! Instant business for the dentists. Wise Sage ========= Dear Wise Sage, Do I have one of those questions that keep me up at night, wondering? Please tell me, this is deeply significant to my well-being! Or somethin' like that. -Kistry (my friends tell me Ring O' Tar is stupid. Go figure.) Kristi Cates Dear Kristi, If you want to know if you have a deep question...ask yourself the following two questions: 1) Do I have a question? 2) Does it keep me awake at night wondering? If you answered "yes" to both of these questions, you DO have a question of this sort, and it should be sent to the wise sage immediately. Wise Sage ========= Wise Sage: 1.) If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it..does it make a sound? 2.) What came first: the chicken or the egg? Signed, Henry Dear Henry, In regards to your first question- if a tree fell in the forest, and no one was there to hear it, how do we know if it fell in the first place? In regards to your second question: neither the chicken nor the egg came first...it was the lips. Wise Sage ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email firstname.lastname@example.org Put A Little Gum In Your Cart ----------------------------- A Parody of "Put a little love in your heart" By (who else?) Weird Al(ex) aka qaz1 Please lend a helping hand To the old factory man Put a little gum in your cart When you are bored and you Need something there to chew Put a little gum in your cart And the world will be a better place And the world will be a better place For you and me Just wait and see Cause when you buy some gum The world don't seem so glum Put a little gum in your cart Push the cart through the store Just need that little more? Put a little gum in your cart And the world will be a better place And the world will be a better place For you and me Just wait and see You give supply and demand A little helping hand when You put a little gum in your cart Economists smile Their theories go that extra mile if you Put a little gum in your cart And the world will be a better place And the world will be a better place For you and me You just wait and see! Cuz you put a little gum in your cart (Helped the capitalism thing) Put a little gum in your cart (Helped the workers buy some things) Put a little gum in your cart... ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ WAKE UP!!!!!! No news...except... TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO SUBSCRIBE TO FME! Thank you. ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- This is a poem. --------------- this is a stupid poem. i couldn't think of a good topic for it so i just wrote about it being a stupid poem. the end. melvan Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).