Issue #56, 26 November 1996

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F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #56
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
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The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener): eener@juno.com
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@wildstar.net

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--mel's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NEW EMAIL ADDRESS FOR FME!!! im@mywitz.end

Hahaha...just kidding.

####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, nothing happened because we lost the plot.  This week,
the gang is going to a hockey game.

Raul:  What's that?
Esmerelda:  What's what?
Raul:  That.
Esmerelda:  WHAT??
Raul:  Never mind.

ANNOUNCER:  WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU AN IMPORTANT NEWS
BULLETIN.  A FLY HAS BEEN FOUND IN THE WHITE HOUSE.  WE NOW TAKE YOU LIVE
TO THE FRONT STEPS OF THE WHITE HOUSE, WHERE PRESIDENT CLINTON IS ABOUT TO
MAKE A SPEECH.

jOIN US NEXT TIME, WHEN WE MAY POSSIBLY TURN OFF CAPS LOCK...

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email eener@juno.com with your question

Helloooo wacky readers!  Welcome to our wise sage column for this week.
The wise sage announced recently that she has a new advisor to help answer
the readers' questions.  I'm proud to introduce to you the advisor, by the
name of "The Guru" aka Darin Werner.  He is occasionally going to help the
wise sage write profound answers to your questions.

**********

Dear Wise Sage,

i have child development and the professor was talking about birth and the
process and he said, why do people say the water breaks, then we thought
about it and suddenly we all want to know, how can water break? so my
question for -- oops, am i writing it to the wrong person, is it for
eener??- i dont know, my question for the wise sage is How can water
break?  it cant, so why do they say it?  sincerely, sincerely confused.
please dont use my name, thanks,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Whoever invented the phrase for water 'breaking' is probably the same
person who invented tofu...or the person who invented driving on a parkway
and driving on a parkway!  By the way, news doesn't break either...unless
it was printed on a piece of glass and dropped on the ground.

Wise Sage

========

Dear Wise Sage,

How is it that Mary Poppins can fly with an umbrella.  Does she have an
aerodynamically shaped umbrella that creates lift when the wind blows
slightly?  Perhaps its all the hot air that she is full of.  I think kids
who love the movie should have the right to know how she flies.  All of
Disney's films are so unrealistic.  Kids brains are being warped.  I
demand that everyone boycott all Disney films.  KILL DISNEY!!!!!

Rickey Rat, the Disney character that got cut in favor of Mickey Mouse

Dear Rickey Rat,

Do you recall the part of the movie where they sing the song "Just a
spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down?"  This medicine was actually
a haluconegenic drug that caused it to appear that Mary Poppins was
floating...but she actually wasn't!  And one more thing:  the cow didn't
*actually* jump over the moon.

Wise Sage

========

Oh great and exalted Wise Sage,

Here is my problem:  I have a girlfriend, whom I really like.  This
weekend, I went to a church-sponsored event and met someone who could be
*THE ONE*, if you know what I mean.  Then, at church this Sunday, I saw
another girl who struck me as possibly being *THE ONE*.  So right now I'm
incredibly confused.  I could end up with some really big phone bills if I
don't figure this out soon.  Please help.

Confused in Canada.

Dear Confused in Canada,

Firstly, you'll need a magic eight ball.  Shake it all up and read the
answer...then follow its instructions.  If you feel that this is not a good
way to pursue a solution to your dilemma you can try plan B:  write to Dear
Abby ;)

Wise Sage

==========

O Wise Sage,

Why are all the Halloween candies that are supposed to be soft always as
hard as rocks?

 --the beerboy

Dear beerboy,

Because they ARE rocks!  There is a highly secret operation run by
dentists...they take rocks and cover them with chocolate and sell them to
the general public for halloween.  This breaks peoples' teeth and voila!!
Instant business for the dentists.

Wise Sage

=========

Dear Wise Sage,

Do I have one of those questions that keep me up at night, wondering?
Please tell me, this is deeply significant to my well-being! Or somethin'
like that.

-Kistry (my friends tell me Ring O' Tar is stupid. Go figure.)  Kristi
Cates

Dear Kristi,

If you want to know if you have a deep question...ask yourself the following
two questions:
1)  Do I have a question?
2)  Does it keep me awake at night wondering?

If you answered "yes" to both of these questions, you DO have a question of
this sort, and it should be sent to the wise sage immediately.

Wise Sage

=========

Wise Sage:

1.) If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it..does it
make a sound?

2.) What came first: the chicken or the egg?

Signed, Henry

Dear Henry,

In regards to your first question- if a tree fell in the forest, and no
one was there to hear it, how do we know if it fell in the first place?
In regards to your second question:  neither the chicken nor the egg came
first...it was the lips.

Wise Sage

*************************
Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
*************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email melvan@wildstar.net

Put A Little Gum In Your Cart
-----------------------------

A Parody of "Put a little love in your heart"
By (who else?) Weird Al(ex) aka qaz1

Please lend a helping hand
To the old factory man
Put a little gum in your cart
When you are bored and you
Need something there to chew
Put a little gum in your cart

And the world will be a better place
And the world will be a better place
For you and me
Just wait and see

Cause when you buy some gum
The world don't seem so glum
Put a little gum in your cart
Push the cart through the store
Just need that little more?
Put a little gum in your cart

And the world will be a better place
And the world will be a better place
For you and me
Just wait and see

You give supply and demand
A little helping hand when
You put a little gum in your cart
Economists smile
Their theories go that extra mile if you
Put a little gum in your cart

And the world will be a better place
And the world will be a better place
For you and me
You just wait and see!

Cuz you put a little gum in your cart
(Helped the capitalism thing)
Put a little gum in your cart
(Helped the workers buy some things)
Put a little gum in your cart...

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

WAKE UP!!!!!!  No news...except...

TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO SUBSCRIBE TO FME!

Thank you.

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

This is a poem.
---------------

this
is a
stupid
poem.
i couldn't
think of
a good topic
for it
so i just
wrote about
it being
a stupid
poem.
the end.

melvan

Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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