Issue #54, 12 November 1996

Pay-Kah??       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #54
F               M   M   M       E
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F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--mel's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

We begin this issue with a funny story that happened some years ago in a
science class, melvan & eener's 8th grade science class, to be specific.

One day just before class started, one kid did something stupid, or forgot
something, or...something.  So he started to say "Oh, ****", but by the
time he got to the second word, he noticed the teacher walking in the
door.  There was a slight pause, then he said "Shish kebob!"  Everyone
including the teacher started laughing, because they KNEW what he had been
about to say.  The teacher didn't just let it rest.  He said something to
the effect of "That's almost like calling someone 'son of a biscuit'."

Don't ask melvan how she remembers this, she has no idea.


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, there was no ATTB...

This week, join us for our show already in progress, because it was pre-
empted by er...something else.

Buffy:  You KILLED HIM!!!!
Raul:  What are you talking about?
Buffy:  Oh..nothing, I just wanted the readers to think they had missed a
very juicy plot twist at the beginning that the writers didn't show,
because they joined us here in the middle of our episode!
Howard:  Do you suppose we got pre-empted by a football game??
Esmerelda:  Can we please get back to the issue at hand here?
Al:  Oh yeah...let's do that...we were discussing Raul's addiction to
licking the sticky stuff  off post-it notes....
Howard:  That's $%#@! disgusting, Raul!!!
(Raul hangs his head in shame)
Buffy:  Yeah, some people lick toads...Raul licks post-it notes....
Howard:  I wish I had some macaroni and cheese.  I'm hungry!
Esmerelda:  Here's some liver donuts.  *hands a package to Howard*
(Howard opens the package and sniffs them)
Howard:  YUCK!!!!
Al:  Hey!  Didn't we discuss liver donuts in the very first episode of
ATTB??  How ironic!
Alanis:  Isn't it ironic, don't you think?
Esmerelda:  Those writers have picked on Alanis enough!  I'm getting sick
of hearing about it!
(Alanis disappears in a blue poof of smoke)
Al:  I still don't understand one thing.....
Buffy:  Umm...what's that?
I.M.:  Is it that you don't understand why chickens don't have lips??
Al:  No, that's not it....I don't understand how Clinton won this
election when he was running against ME!!

....Join us next time when we discover ummm...something!

*  Wise Sage(s)  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage(s)!  Email with your

Dear Wlse Sage,
is there life on mars?

Signed, WallPhone

Dear WallPhone,

There is one life form upon the planet of Mars.  He is Marvin the Martian.
Occasionally he is joined by Daffy Duck or Bugs Bunny, but whenever they
visit, they are usually shot by Marvin's disintegrator gun.  Since Marvin
is such bad company, no one else lives there with him...and Bugs and Daffy
usually head back for earth after a few minutes or so.

Wise Sage


Editor's picks!!


our noses...hahaha!

(Just Kidding)

No really, this is a section where we, the editors, writers and VIPs of
FME magazine...namely eener and melvan, can recommend different movies,
books, albums, whatever to the readers.

Firstly, eener's picks

Iiiiii recommend
-the movie "Toy Story!"  It is quite funny!

-eating SweetTarts until your teeth fall out...SweetTarts rule!  (and so
do pixi stix)
-the cd "Jesus Freak" by DC Talk.  For those of you who aren't familiar
with the group, they've had a single on the radio lately called "Just
Between you and Me." that is from this cd.  The whole cd is good- I
recommend it.
-the game Theme Park.  It's available for different video game systems,
and is also available on CD-Rom.  This game is good for hours and hours of
fun!  You get to design your own amusement park, and even customize the
rides that go into it.  For example, if you design your rollercoaster with
too many loops and hills, you get to sit there and giggle as the cars go
flying off the track!  heh, we're really not that sadistic.  But
if you don't have enough mechanics for your rides, they'll actually
EXPLODE!  Hahahahaha!  I had a bouncy castle explode on me once.  And
another interesting thing about this game- the kids sometimes get off the
rides and toss their cookies, if you have the speed of the ride too high.
Eeeeeew!  The reason I like this game is NOT because of puking kids or
exploding rides.  (heh)  I really like it because you get to plan this
whole thing out and try to get people to come to your park...I love
strategy games.  If you like SimCity, try Theme Park!  It is lots of fun-
I know melvan will agree with me.  We have played that game for hours on
end before!

Well, now that I've babbled on about this are melvan's


1.  IRC
2.  Any CD by Steve Taylor, Rich Mullins, Weird Al
3.  Putting up Christmas lights in November
4.  Dave Barry's book "Dave Barry in Cyberspace"
5.  Reading FME till your eyes bug out

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email

Well, guess what.  We have another parody.  And a "Possessed" story.

To the tune of Layla

What do I do when I get lonely?
Nobody round, nothing to do
I just grab a bowl
Of good old playdoh
And then I don't feel half so blue

You got me sculpting trees
Dogs with little fleas
The only thing can ease my troubled mind

Make the best of the situation
Which colour should I use to play?
Maybe the green, the yellow, red or blue
Mix them all they turn to grey

You got me sculpting trees
Dogs with little fleas
The only thing can ease my troubled mind

(repeat chorus to fade...)
By qaz1=AReallySillyGuy


***Death by Duct tape***

Attention readers!!!

It has come to our attention that an airplane in Peru (well, we think it
was in Peru, but don't recall for sure) crashed due to duct tape!  This
news item was spotted by eener and also by an alert FME subscriber by the
name of Dave Hart.  Some of the sensors in the airplane were covered in
duct tape when it was being cleaned, and they forgot to remove the duct
tape when they were done.  It was because of this that the plane crashed.

So, just be sure not to use this marvelous, fix-it-all tape in the wrong
manner!  This gray tape also has a dark side!  For example, duct tape
could be harmful if it were to be internally ingested...

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Overhead Fan

I sit in the chair
buried in a blanket
reading my book...
Swish, swish
goes the overhead fan...
I flip the switch to turn
the fan off
and then realize
this is a stupid
for a poem


Untitled #173

I sit on the large rock
by the lake
the fish swim lazily
through the water
to catch bugs from the
The noonday sun
beats hot upon my bare head.
I hear crickets chirping in the
field behind me.
The sky clouds over...
large raindrops fall from the sky
and drown all the crickets in the field.
Chirp chirp
Chirp chirp



Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).