FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #51 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): email@example.com Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): firstname.lastname@example.org Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --mel's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Good morning. Er, good afternoon, I mean. Or whenever you get this, good . Whatever. Ahem. And now on to the important portion of the magazine... Something eener (literally) dreamed up... put this in the 'zine: i dreamed that my dumb poems were published and people liked 'em! The last I remember of the dream- someone was offering to be the editor...pretty weird, eh? #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last week on ATTB, the gang was in the antiques store in Iowa again... This week, it's raining and everyone is absolutely bored out of their minds (as if they *had* minds to be bored out of...) Raul: I'm bored. Esmerelda: Me too. What do you guys want to do? Buffy: I have no idea. I'm too bored to think. Al: Can we paint your toenails, Buffy? Buffy: I don't care. Howard: I'm bored too. Too bored to paint toenails. Too bored to cuss. I.M.: HOWARD?!?!? Too bored to cuss?!?!? Raul: Howard, are you *sure* you're feeling okay? Howard: Yeah, I'm fine! I'm just bored. Al: I wanna be a clone. Esmerelda: Anyone wanna go bowling? I.M.: Nah, that's too boring. Raul: How about duct tape? That's never boring. Buffy: It's silvery-gray. What's so interesting about THAT? Howard: Buffy, how dare you! Duct tape is the best thing that ever happened to the world! How can you say such a terrible thing?? (Howard starts to cry) Esmerelda: Great, Buffy, NOW look what you've done! Buffy: What? What? Al: Sheesh...some people shouldn't be allowed out in public... I.M.: Hmmmph! (Everyone turns their backs on Buffy and consoles Howard) Howard: WAAAAAAAH!!! BUFFY DOESN'T LIKE DUCT TAPE!!! WAAAAAH!!! Buffy: I NEVER SAID THAT, YOU MORON! I just said it wasn't interesting... Raul: Buffy, you better get out of here...and fast...otherwise you may be lynched. Join us next time, when we see what happens to Buffy. Does the gang lynch her? Does everyone forget about it and live happily ever after? Sheesh, I hope not. That'd make for a pretty dull story, don't you think? *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! Email email@example.com with your question Dear Sagebrush, How does the electric pencil sharpner know when a pencil is in the sharpner? Signed, WallPhone Dear WallPhone, There are small gremlins that live inside of each electric pencil sharpener. When a pencil is inserted into the sharpener, they see it and gnaw at the tip until it is sharp. Upon occasion, the gremlins fall asleep on the job. This is what explains the malfunctioning of the sharpener, or when it fails to sharpen your pencil. The reason the sharpener is plugged in is this: the electricity runs the small microwave inside the sharpener, which cooks food for the gremlins. Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage, Is a melvan the thing that drives letters from town to town? Confused in Canada Dear Confused, No. A melvan is a very strange individual that lives in the state of Wisconsin. This melvan person has been known to keep large amounts of duct tape nearby in case of emergency. This individual is also a renowned artist, having constructed such works of art as the "Amoeba's view of the world," "The death of the pink lawn ornament," and the infamous Deodorant container sculpture. Wise Sage ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email firstname.lastname@example.org PLENTY OF FRUIT BATS THIS WEEK!!! Whoa... Dumb Poetry In A Card Type Trash is great. You have inspired me to write my own meaningful, insightful poetry. Here is a sample: Little Girl blue shoes white lacy socks with little pink flowers on them green corduroy pants round tummy navy blue tank top sticky, grubby hands plastic Fisher Price "pearl" necklace chubby cheeks finger up her nose huge brown eyes blonde hair in pigtails she walks precariously down the sidewalk if you step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back, she tells me solemnly gasping and swaying as her little foot wavers dangerously close whew, that was close ma's safe today. I have a "posessed" story for you. Earlier today I was writing a report on the word processer for speech team. I was just typing along; everthing was going fine, until all of a sudden the strangest thing happened. The line I had just written flew across the page and ended up down at the bottom! I hadn't touched the mouse or anything else at all! What's going on?? My computer is posessed. -Kistry I'm afraid of barney.. uh-uh: I feel a dumb poem coming on.. Giant androgenous purple muppet mutant says he loves me & I love him he want's to control my mind Jim Henson must be turning in his grave I'm afraid of Barney Yah: that was pretty lame. My favorite Anagrams for F.M.E: 1. fenced mailmen xerography 2. complex firemen hydrangea 3. a faxed morphine clergyman ...I stopped looking after that. --Sean ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ THERE IS NO URGENT NEWS THIS WEEK!!! other than the fact that the temperature in Wisconsin at this very moment is just BARELY above freezing... ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Cheeto Gravity II ----------------- i bought cheetos yesterday and i dropped one and it fell on the floor and my dog ate it and it's very cold today and my heater isn't turned on yet and i don't know what switch turns it on because there's tons of them in the basement and i could accidentally blow up the house melvan Moo --- Running jumping somersaulting climbing screaming doing long division flying alphabetizing shaking hands this is the thirteenth line no it isn't eener Nonsensical ----------- I knew of a lady who swallowed a fly I don't know why she swallowed a fly perhaps she was a schizophrenic eener Nonsensical II -------------- The small sculpture sits on the lawn of the abode... But why? eener Work ---- pizza after pizza after pizza pasta garlic bread we're out of onions somebody dropped the canadian bacon on the floor this pizza was supposed to be hand tossed, not thin crust make it over it finally dies down... the manager says "you're outta here!" and i run to my car free at last free at last thank God almighty i'm free at last... melvan This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).