Issue #51, 23 October 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #51
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--mel's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

Good morning.  Er, good afternoon, I mean.  Or whenever you get this, good



And now on to the important portion of the magazine...

Something eener (literally) dreamed up...

put this in the 'zine:  i dreamed that my dumb poems were published and
people liked 'em!  The last I remember of the dream- someone was offering
to be the editor...pretty weird, eh?


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, the gang was in the antiques store in Iowa again...

This week, it's raining and everyone is absolutely bored out of their
minds (as if they *had* minds to be bored out of...)

Raul:  I'm bored.
Esmerelda:  Me too.  What do you guys want to do?
Buffy:  I have no idea.  I'm too bored to think.
Al:  Can we paint your toenails, Buffy?
Buffy:  I don't care.
Howard:  I'm bored too.  Too bored to paint toenails.  Too bored to cuss.
I.M.:  HOWARD?!?!?  Too bored to cuss?!?!?
Raul:  Howard, are you *sure* you're feeling okay?
Howard:  Yeah, I'm fine!  I'm just bored.
Al:  I wanna be a clone.
Esmerelda:  Anyone wanna go bowling?
I.M.:  Nah, that's too boring.
Raul:  How about duct tape?  That's never boring.
Buffy:  It's silvery-gray.  What's so interesting about THAT?
Howard:  Buffy, how dare you!  Duct tape is the best thing that ever
happened to the world!  How can you say such a terrible thing??
(Howard starts to cry)
Esmerelda:  Great, Buffy, NOW look what you've done!
Buffy:  What?  What?
Al:  Sheesh...some people shouldn't be allowed out in public...
I.M.:  Hmmmph!
(Everyone turns their backs on Buffy and consoles Howard)
Buffy:  I NEVER SAID THAT, YOU MORON!  I just said it wasn't interesting...
Raul:  Buffy, you better get out of here...and fast...otherwise you may
be lynched.

Join us next time, when we see what happens to Buffy.  Does the gang lynch
her?  Does everyone forget about it and live happily ever after?  Sheesh,
I hope not.  That'd make for a pretty dull story, don't you think?

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email with your question

Dear Sagebrush,

How does the electric pencil sharpner know when a pencil is in the

Signed, WallPhone

Dear WallPhone,

There are small gremlins that live inside of each electric pencil
sharpener.  When a pencil is inserted into the sharpener, they see it and
gnaw at the tip until it is sharp.  Upon occasion, the gremlins fall
asleep on the job.  This is what explains the malfunctioning of the
sharpener, or when it fails to sharpen your pencil.  The reason the
sharpener is plugged in is this:  the electricity runs the small microwave
inside the sharpener, which cooks food for the gremlins.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

Is a melvan the thing that drives letters from town to town?

Confused in Canada

Dear Confused,

No.  A melvan is a very strange individual that lives in the state of
Wisconsin.  This melvan person has been known to keep large amounts of
duct tape nearby in case of emergency.  This individual is also a renowned
artist, having constructed such works of art as the "Amoeba's view of the
world," "The death of the pink lawn ornament," and the infamous Deodorant
container sculpture.

Wise Sage

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email


Dumb Poetry In A Card Type Trash is great.  You have inspired me to write
my own meaningful, insightful poetry.  Here is a sample:

Little Girl

blue shoes
white lacy socks with little pink flowers on them
green corduroy pants
round tummy
navy blue tank top
sticky, grubby hands
plastic Fisher Price "pearl" necklace
chubby cheeks
finger up her nose
huge brown eyes
blonde hair in pigtails
she walks precariously down the sidewalk
if you step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back, she tells me
gasping and swaying as her little foot wavers dangerously close
whew, that was close
ma's safe today.

I have a "posessed" story for you.

Earlier today I was writing a report on the word processer for speech
team.  I was just typing along; everthing was going fine, until all of a
sudden the strangest thing happened.  The line I had just written flew
across the page and ended up down at the bottom!  I hadn't touched the
mouse or anything else at all!  What's going on??

My computer is posessed.


I'm afraid of barney.. uh-uh: I feel a dumb poem coming on..

Giant androgenous purple muppet mutant
says he loves me & I love him
he want's to control my mind
Jim Henson must be turning in his grave
I'm afraid of Barney

Yah: that was pretty lame.

My favorite Anagrams for F.M.E:

1. fenced mailmen xerography
2. complex firemen hydrangea
3. a faxed morphine clergyman

...I stopped looking after that.



THERE IS NO URGENT NEWS THIS WEEK!!!  other than the fact that the
temperature in Wisconsin at this very moment is just BARELY above

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Cheeto Gravity II

i bought cheetos yesterday
and i dropped one
and it fell on the floor
and my dog ate it
and it's very cold today
and my heater isn't turned on yet
and i don't know what switch turns it on
because there's tons of them in the basement
and i could accidentally blow up the house



doing long division
shaking hands
this is the thirteenth line
no it isn't



I knew of a lady
who swallowed a fly
I don't know why she swallowed a fly
perhaps she was a schizophrenic


Nonsensical II

The small sculpture
sits on the lawn
of the abode...
But why?



after pizza
after pizza
garlic bread
we're out of onions
somebody dropped the canadian bacon on the floor
this pizza was supposed to be hand tossed, not thin crust
make it over
it finally dies down...
the manager says "you're outta here!"
and i run to my car
free at last
free at last
thank God almighty
i'm free at last...


This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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