FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #5 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Greetings, Earth creatures, moon creatures, Mars creatures, and all other creatures that we don't know exist yet. Heck, with the Internet, anybody could be online! We are very proud to bring you this issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding), because of five very important events taking place in this magazine: 1. Our very first "The Section Where Other People Write" to have someone who isn't related to either of us write. 2. Our survey results from issue #2. 3. The ending to the poem from issue #2. 4. We haven't decided on Important Thing #4 yet. 5. Our first Wise Sage letter that we didn't have to make up. So now we must enter into that important section in our important magazine. ************************************ The Section Where Other People Write ************************************ First of all, if you want your demen... I mean important work included in this magazine, send them to email@example.com. And please, please, please, don't send us anything perverted or full of expletives. We won't print that stuff. And if you don't already have an alias, please pick one. Unless you REALLY want to admit that you read this magazine every week. The following important list was sent to us by The Other One. The Stages of Madness How to tell if you are going mad: 1: Hair on the palms of your hands 2: Looking for hair on the palms of your hands 3: Talking to yourself 4: Arguing with yourself 5: ...and losing 6: Forgetting that you won an argument against yourself 7: Forgetting to win an argument against yourself 8: Playing "scissors-paper-stones" against yourself 9: ...and always picking "paper" 10: ...and always losing 11: Forgetting a stage of madness 12: ...but continuing to list them 13: Pop lyrics begin to make sense 14: Country & Western lyrics begin to fail to make sense 15: R.E.M. lyrics begin to make sense The Other One (3 on the T.O.O. Madness scale, but pushing 4) -------------------------- Our next important article comes from someone who prefers to refer to himself as Mangrove Moose. Top 10 Things Never to Do in a Hospital 10. Never choose a hospital where the director worries about his Ferrari payments. 9. Never doze off in the waiting room when someone needs an organ donation. 8. Never trust a physical therapist named "Spike" or "Mad Dog." 7. Never eat in a cafeteria that adjoins an operating room. 6. Never get treated with equipment that's older than you. 5. Never get treated by a doctor who's younger than your chronic condition. 4. Never shake hands with a hospital worker who forgot to remove his rubber gloves. 3. Never sign a release that bears the words "In the unlikely event of ..." 2. Never put yourself in the hands of a resident physician at the end of his shift -- especially if you just saw him swallow more than 25 pills. And the Number One thing never to do in a hospital... 1. When passing the epidemiology lab, never let 'em see you sweat. Mangrove Moose. --------------- Our next important section is..... ***************** * The Wise Sage * ***************** Dear Wise Sage, I have this uncontrollable urge to bow down to stock exchanges. Can you suggest anything that might help me to stop? Backbraces slip into my pants, and cutting my head off doesn't stop the waist movements. Praise the Almighty Dollar signed: The Other One (with chutney) Dear TOO, Hmmm...Your problem is a common one. I would suggest not doing anything about it. It's just a phase you're going through. But if you're really desperate, why not just blow up the stock exchange? Wise Sage ********* And now it's time for some important Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash, sent to us by someone by the name of The Inexperienced Avatar. I intended to write prose but, as you can see, a narrow page width forced me to write poetry. This was going to be an incisive article written at the height of my inspiration - but I got sidetracked by present circumstances; how many others have had similar experiences? Sitting here, with a pen and some paper (taking care not to rip it); waiting for relief, Wishing to just let it all out. It could have been about sex, politics or religion (or maybe a mixture of any two or three). But no, a narrow page width forced me to write poetry. --The Inexperienced Avatar -------- And now the important results to our important survey, which was included in FME issue #2. Thanks to the TWO important people who responded to our survey. 1. Which book title interests you the most? a. The Magnificent Jalopy 0% b. Boy Gets Car 50% c. The Whales Go By 50% 2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? a. Zint 0% b. 53 50% c. Loop 50% 3. Which word most appeals to you? a. Spoo 0% b. Oink 0% c. Acorn 100% 4. What is your favorite color? a. green 50% b. eggshell white 50% c. armadillo poop green 0% 5. Do you believe in aliens? a. Yes 50% b. No 0% c. I am one 50% 6. What is the perfect name for a cult? a. Toot-toot, peanut butter 50% b. Wacko 0% c. Melded Bananas 50% 7. What would your pen name be? a. Julie-us Seize-her 0% b. Wormhole Brokenjaw 100% c. Ispoop Green 0% 8. What is your favorite food? a. banana 50% b. tomato (the vegetable) 0% c. tomato (the fruit) 0% d. cooked carrots 0% e. bacon 50% f. eggplant 0% 9. Will you utter the sacred vows of the hunt? a. yes b. no 50% --The other 50% said "What are they?" 10. What do you like to do on a rainy day? a. Wonder why everyone brings potato salad to 0% family reunions b. Make figure 8's in the noodles 50% c. Throw wadded-up paper towels in the toilet 50% ----------------------------- Once again, we come to that important portion of the important magazine where we have to end writing stuff or it'll never get sent out. We have many, many more brilliant ideas floating around in our heads, but if we put them all in this magazine, then we wouldn't have anything to write next week, now would we? So until next week, remember: When all else fails, try the polka station.