Issue #5, 13 November 1995

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #5
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order): alias DP or Dr. Pepper alias XX or Xavier Xerxes

Greetings, Earth creatures, moon creatures, Mars creatures, and all
other creatures that we don't know exist yet.  Heck, with the
Internet, anybody could be online!  We are very proud to bring you
this issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding), because of five very
important events taking place in this magazine:

1.  Our very first "The Section Where Other People Write" to have
someone who isn't related to either of us write.
2.  Our survey results from issue #2.
3.  The ending to the poem from issue #2.
4.  We haven't decided on Important Thing #4 yet.
5.  Our first Wise Sage letter that we didn't have to make up.

So now we must enter into that important section in our important

The Section Where Other People Write

First of all, if you want your demen... I mean important work
included in this magazine, send them to
And please, please, please, don't send us anything perverted or
full of expletives.  We won't print that stuff.  And if you don't
already have an alias, please pick one.  Unless you REALLY want to
admit that you read this magazine every week.

The following important list was sent to us by The Other One.

The Stages of Madness
How to tell if you are going mad:
1:      Hair on the palms of your hands
2:      Looking for hair on the palms of your hands
3:      Talking to yourself
4:      Arguing with yourself
5:      ...and losing
6:      Forgetting that you won an argument against yourself
7:      Forgetting to win an argument against yourself
8:      Playing "scissors-paper-stones" against yourself
9:      ...and always picking "paper"
10:     ...and always losing
11:     Forgetting a stage of madness
12:     ...but continuing to list them
13:     Pop lyrics begin to make sense
14:     Country & Western lyrics begin to fail to make sense
15:     R.E.M. lyrics begin to make sense

                                                        The Other One
(3 on the T.O.O. Madness scale, but pushing 4)


Our next important article comes from someone who prefers to
refer to himself as Mangrove Moose.

                Top 10 Things Never to Do in a Hospital

10. Never choose a hospital where the director worries about his
Ferrari payments.
9. Never doze off in the waiting room when someone needs an organ
8. Never trust a physical therapist named "Spike" or "Mad Dog."
7. Never eat in a cafeteria that adjoins an operating room.
6. Never get treated with equipment that's older than you.
5. Never get treated by a doctor who's younger than your chronic
4. Never shake hands with a hospital worker who forgot to remove
his rubber gloves.
3. Never sign a release that bears the words "In the unlikely
event of ..."
2. Never put yourself in the hands of a resident physician at the
end of his shift -- especially if you just saw him swallow more
than 25 pills.

And the Number One thing never to do in a hospital...

1. When passing the epidemiology lab, never let 'em see you sweat.

        Mangrove Moose.
Our next important section is.....

* The Wise Sage *

Dear Wise Sage,

I have this uncontrollable urge to bow down to stock exchanges.
Can you suggest anything that might help me to stop? Backbraces
slip into my pants, and cutting my head off doesn't stop the
waist movements.

Praise the Almighty Dollar

signed: The Other One (with chutney)

Dear TOO,

Hmmm...Your problem is a common one.  I would suggest not doing
anything about it.  It's just a phase you're going through.  But
if you're really desperate, why not just blow up the stock

Wise Sage


And now it's time for some important Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash,
sent to us by someone by the name of The Inexperienced Avatar.

I intended to write prose
but, as you can see,
a narrow page width
forced me to write poetry.
This was going to be
an incisive article
written at the height
of my inspiration
 - but I got sidetracked by
present circumstances;
how many others
have had similar
Sitting here, with a pen
and some paper
(taking care not to rip it);
waiting for relief,
Wishing to just
let it all out.
It could have been
about sex, politics
or religion
(or maybe a mixture
of any two or three).
But no,
a narrow page width
forced me to write poetry.

--The Inexperienced Avatar


And now the important results to our important survey, which was
included in FME issue #2.  Thanks to the TWO important people who
responded to our survey.

1.  Which book title interests you the most?
        a.  The Magnificent Jalopy                      0%
        b.  Boy Gets Car                               50%
        c.  The Whales Go By                           50%

2.  If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
        a.  Zint                                        0%
        b.  53                                          50%
        c.  Loop                                        50%

3.  Which word most appeals to you?
        a.  Spoo                                         0%
        b.  Oink                                         0%
        c.  Acorn                                      100%

4.  What is your favorite color?
        a.  green                                       50%
        b.  eggshell white                              50%
        c.  armadillo poop green                         0%

5.  Do you believe in aliens?
        a.  Yes                                         50%
        b.  No                                           0%
        c.  I am one                                    50%

6.  What is the perfect name for a cult?
        a.  Toot-toot, peanut butter                    50%
        b.  Wacko                                        0%
        c.  Melded Bananas                              50%

7.  What would your pen name be?
        a.  Julie-us Seize-her                           0%
        b.  Wormhole Brokenjaw                         100%
        c.  Ispoop Green                                 0%

8.  What is your favorite food?
        a.  banana                                      50%
        b.  tomato (the vegetable)                       0%
        c.  tomato (the fruit)                           0%
        d.  cooked carrots                               0%
        e.  bacon                                       50%
        f.  eggplant                                     0%

9.  Will you utter the sacred vows of the hunt?
        a.  yes
        b.  no                                          50%
        --The other 50% said "What are they?"

10.  What do you like to do on a rainy day?
        a.  Wonder why everyone brings potato salad to   0%
        family reunions
        b.  Make figure 8's in the noodles              50%
        c.  Throw wadded-up paper towels in the toilet  50%


Once again, we come to that important portion of the important
magazine where we have to end writing stuff or it'll never get
sent out.  We have many, many more brilliant ideas floating
around in our heads, but if we put them all in this magazine,
then we wouldn't have anything to write next week, now would we?
So until next week, remember:  When all else fails, try the
polka station.

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