Issue #49, 9 October 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #49
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--mel's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!  This is the email version of the first anniversary
issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine!  Aren't you proud of us?
We kept it up a WHOLE YEAR!!  Hey, what are you doing?  Put those white
coats down!  We don't wanna go to the Funny Farm!  AAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!

Well, anyway...This is the email version of the first anniversary issue of
Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine!  Wait, I said that already, didn't
I?  Oh.  Sorry.  Not only do you get to view a brand new ATTB, you get to
read twelve seriously pathetic poems.  And a story about a possessed gate.
And some other stuff we'll throw in along the way.  (Can you tell we just
started most of this Tuesday night?)

This is only half of it, folks.  The other half is on the web!  We have
created this email version for you poor folks who don't have web access
(and because it's kinda habit forming to send one every week).  The web
version is at and it
contains some of our BEST moments in the last year.  For example, sure to
be everyone's favorite, the Best of the Wise Sage!

And now, without any further babbling, on with the zine!


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

It doesn't really matter what happened last week on ATTB, because it has
absolutely nothing to do with what's going to happen this week...

The scene:  All of the characters are trapped in a surrealistic

Raul:  *screaming*  Helllllp!!!  Helllllpppppp!!!  We're trapped in this
really weird painting!!  Can anyone help us??!!!
Buffy:  *putting her hand over Raul's mouth*  Shhhh!  Be quiet...I want
to stay in here!!
Raul:  *removing Buffy's hand* WHY???
Buffy:  Because if I'm here in this painting, everyone that comes into
this art gallery, can ogle my beauty!  I always wanted to be a model!
Al:  *rolling his eyes*  Oh puleez...that is sooo self-centered, Buffy!
Arnold Schwarzenegger:  *suddenly appearing in the corner of the
painting*  I told you I'd be back.
Esmerelda:  Oh look!!  It's my hero, Arnold!!  Will you autograph my
forehead, Arnold??
Raul:  *howling* us out of this painting!!!!!
A person walking by the painting:  *turns to the person walking with her*
Hey!  Did you just hear something???
Person walking next to the person walking by the painting:  No, I think
that cough syrup you had earlier is really getting to you!
(both people mosey on by to look at other works of art)
Arnold:  I'd love to autograph your forehead.  Does anyone have a pen?
Granny*:  If your dog poops in the closet, your mother will yell at you
and make you eat it.
(*Granny disappears in a brilliant orange blast of smoke*)
All of the characters:  Granny, granny, she's our gal!  If she can't do
it...*everyone stops, looks around*
Esmerelda:  what rhymes with gal??
Arnold:  If someone doesn't give me a pen, I'm going to get very angry.
(*smoke starts trickling out of Arnold's ears*)
(A smoke detector in the art gallery suddenly starts to beep loudly)
I.M.:  Great!  Now maybe someone will come rescue us!
Howard:  Uhhhh...yeah, what he said.
Announcer:  The plot thickens!!!  Will Granny return with further words
of wisdom??  Will the smoke detector bring someone along to rescue
them?????  Am I using too many question marks?????????

.....join us next week for further delightful plot twists!!

*Granny:  a character melvan and eener invented years and years ago when
they were much, much younger...when they were still doing 'zine stuff on
paper...she always dispensed strange words of wisdom...and even stranger
words of wisdom when she wasn't wearing her dentures.

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email with your question


So...uh...go there!

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email

Here is a little similarty of your pizza hut experience:

I was taking out the trash to the curb today because today is the day they
(the trashmen) pick up the trash. We keep the trash cans behind a wooden
gate with a latch that is supposed to latch automaticly like the latches
on a noramal door. well anyway, I take all the cans out except one and,
-(click)- the gate latches behind me, I slowly try to unlatch the gate
because I thought my neighbor and best friend was trying to trick me, and
scare the wits out of me, so I tried to counterattack his plan and scare
the wits out of him. I looked around the bushes - nobody.  So I finish
carrying out the last can and swing the gate as I go back in the house
hoping the force of the swing will close the latch -(SLAM)- instead the
gate bounces back open.

Now what is really spokey about this is I keep a small chunk of concrete
as a doorstop to keep the gate from swinging and there was no wind.  My
gate is possessed.

(Contributed by WallPhone)


You already know the news.  FME is one year old today!  Woohoo!!

The web page will be ready sometime later for lots of really
cool stuff!

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

And now, to continue in this wonderful wackiness...melvan and eener
decided to pick out some of their favorite dumb poems.  melvan picked her
five favorite poems by eener...and eener picked her five favorite poems by

***Disclaimer:  There are oodles of great dumb poems out was
hard to pick just five of each!! Whew!  Also...there are a couple poems we
wrote together that we *both* liked.  Enjoy!!

Firstly...eener's favorite poems by melvan....

The Cow

A flower in the garden
The cow in the pasture



Lawn ornaments
are defeated.
Nothing can
stop it.
Don't try.
It's useless.
The billowing billows
billow in the billowing billows.
I sleep on my pillow.
My pillow is punctured.
Defeated lawn ornaments.
They die soon.



Peeing on fire hydrants
Is it a dog?
No, it's you after 50 Dr. Peppers.



Knocked Out.
Brain damaged.



I saw
a toad


And now, the five poems picked by melvan as the best that eener has

The BGT Poem

The sunset
fades on the
distant shore
the abstract
as if undecided...
You come to my
mind, as you
wave your big green


The Cemetery

The tears fall
from my eyes
as I stare at the cold
slab of cement that
marks your final
resting place...
I recall the times we
spent together...
the hideous pink lawn
ornament screams in



The young pine tree



I feel the pain
deep down...
I have felt this pain
it is indescribable,
but I know you have
experienced it also...
It calls to me in an
exquisite voice, and I
know I must go--must
go and find a bathroom immediately.


Pepperoni and Sausage

My tennis shoes
are an environmental threat
crustless little triangles
hop on the piano keys
performing "Chopsticks"
the end of the world is coming
while teethless hockey players
attack skaters.


And now for two hilariously funny poems we wrote together...

Mental Hygiene
By eener & melvan
May 5, 1996

Today I bought some mental floss
And stuck it in my ear
It came right out the other side
And now I cannot hear
I then got in my little car
And tried my best to steer
To my chagrin into the road
There ran a stoopid deer!
I swerved and swerved and missed him but
I stripped the steenking gears
I swerved again, and Boom-de-boom!
I knocked a mailbox clear
Into Iowa, where all the corn
Blew into a pier
The farmer wipes away a tear
Sips a beer
And jumps off the pier
The end is near
The end is here
Do not fear
Sit on your rear
And turn that bug
Into a smear.

melvan & eener

Ode to Duct Tape

Duct tape...
Holds the bumper to the car
Keeps the Spam in the jar
Covers the crack in the car seat
Keeps my brother's shoes on his feet
On the seat of my bike
It's the one thing I like
Sticks the flag to the pole
Covered the hole in the cabin wall
On the bass drums in the band room
Without it we'd be surely doomed
Fixes book bindings
And holes in the siding
Sitting on the TV
A trophy for all to see.

melvan & eener

That's everything!  This is the END of the email version of the
anniversary issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine.  We would like
to take this opportunity to thank EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!!!! (except
Elkvis...haha, just kidding)  Without the subscribers, this zine wouldn't
be where it is today.  It'd be...somewhere else, I guess...

ONCE MORE (blatant reference to our high school band director)...the web
edition is at


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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