FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #49 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --mel's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!! This is the email version of the first anniversary issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine! Aren't you proud of us? We kept it up a WHOLE YEAR!! Hey, what are you doing? Put those white coats down! We don't wanna go to the Funny Farm! AAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!! Well, anyway...This is the email version of the first anniversary issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine! Wait, I said that already, didn't I? Oh. Sorry. Not only do you get to view a brand new ATTB, you get to read twelve seriously pathetic poems. And a story about a possessed gate. And some other stuff we'll throw in along the way. (Can you tell we just started most of this Tuesday night?) This is only half of it, folks. The other half is on the web! We have created this email version for you poor folks who don't have web access (and because it's kinda habit forming to send one every week). The web version is at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/anniversary/ and it contains some of our BEST moments in the last year. For example, sure to be everyone's favorite, the Best of the Wise Sage! And now, without any further babbling, on with the zine! #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di It doesn't really matter what happened last week on ATTB, because it has absolutely nothing to do with what's going to happen this week... The scene: All of the characters are trapped in a surrealistic painting... Raul: *screaming* Helllllp!!! Helllllpppppp!!! We're trapped in this really weird painting!! Can anyone help us??!!! Buffy: *putting her hand over Raul's mouth* Shhhh! Be quiet...I want to stay in here!! Raul: *removing Buffy's hand* WHY??? Buffy: Because if I'm here in this painting, everyone that comes into this art gallery, can ogle my beauty! I always wanted to be a model! Al: *rolling his eyes* Oh puleez...that is sooo self-centered, Buffy! Arnold Schwarzenegger: *suddenly appearing in the corner of the painting* I told you I'd be back. Esmerelda: Oh look!! It's my hero, Arnold!! Will you autograph my forehead, Arnold?? Raul: *howling* Anybodyyyyyyy...help us out of this painting!!!!! A person walking by the painting: *turns to the person walking with her* Hey! Did you just hear something??? Person walking next to the person walking by the painting: No, I think that cough syrup you had earlier is really getting to you! (both people mosey on by to look at other works of art) Arnold: I'd love to autograph your forehead. Does anyone have a pen? Granny*: If your dog poops in the closet, your mother will yell at you and make you eat it. (*Granny disappears in a brilliant orange blast of smoke*) All of the characters: Granny, granny, she's our gal! If she can't do it...*everyone stops, looks around* Esmerelda: what rhymes with gal?? Arnold: If someone doesn't give me a pen, I'm going to get very angry. (*smoke starts trickling out of Arnold's ears*) (A smoke detector in the art gallery suddenly starts to beep loudly) I.M.: Great! Now maybe someone will come rescue us! Howard: Uhhhh...yeah, what he said. Announcer: The plot thickens!!! Will Granny return with further words of wisdom?? Will the smoke detector bring someone along to rescue them????? Am I using too many question marks????????? .....join us next week for further delightful plot twists!! *Granny: a character melvan and eener invented years and years ago when they were much, much younger...when they were still doing 'zine stuff on paper...she always dispensed strange words of wisdom...and even stranger words of wisdom when she wasn't wearing her dentures. *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your question THE BEST OF THE WISE SAGE is at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/anniversary/ So...uh...go there! ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com Here is a little similarty of your pizza hut experience: I was taking out the trash to the curb today because today is the day they (the trashmen) pick up the trash. We keep the trash cans behind a wooden gate with a latch that is supposed to latch automaticly like the latches on a noramal door. well anyway, I take all the cans out except one and, -(click)- the gate latches behind me, I slowly try to unlatch the gate because I thought my neighbor and best friend was trying to trick me, and scare the wits out of me, so I tried to counterattack his plan and scare the wits out of him. I looked around the bushes - nobody. So I finish carrying out the last can and swing the gate as I go back in the house hoping the force of the swing will close the latch -(SLAM)- instead the gate bounces back open. Now what is really spokey about this is I keep a small chunk of concrete as a doorstop to keep the gate from swinging and there was no wind. My gate is possessed. (Contributed by WallPhone) ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ You already know the news. FME is one year old today! Woohoo!! The web page will be ready sometime later today...watch http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/anniversary/ for lots of really cool stuff! ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- And now, to continue in this wonderful wackiness...melvan and eener decided to pick out some of their favorite dumb poems. melvan picked her five favorite poems by eener...and eener picked her five favorite poems by melvan. ***Disclaimer: There are oodles of great dumb poems out there...it was hard to pick just five of each!! Whew! Also...there are a couple poems we wrote together that we *both* liked. Enjoy!! Firstly...eener's favorite poems by melvan.... The Cow ------- A flower in the garden grows. The cow in the pasture poops. melvan Billow ------ Defeated. Lawn ornaments are defeated. Nothing can stop it. Don't try. It's useless. The billowing billows billow in the billowing billows. I sleep on my pillow. My pillow is punctured. Defeated lawn ornaments. They die soon. melvan Drugged ------- Chewing Wagging Panting Running Chasing Barking Peeing on fire hydrants Is it a dog? No, it's you after 50 Dr. Peppers. melvan Boxer ----- Pounded. Pummeled. Knocked Out. Punched. Hit. Brain damaged. Dead. melvan Calculator ---------- I saw a toad today... melvan And now, the five poems picked by melvan as the best that eener has written. The BGT Poem ------------ The sunset fades on the distant shore the abstract designs rippling as if undecided... You come to my mind, as you wave your big green thing. eener The Cemetery ------------ The tears fall unchecked from my eyes as I stare at the cold slab of cement that marks your final resting place... I recall the times we spent together... the hideous pink lawn ornament screams in pain... eener Introvert --------- The young pine tree Quivers. eener Sewer ----- I feel the pain deep down... I have felt this pain before... it is indescribable, but I know you have experienced it also... It calls to me in an exquisite voice, and I know I must go--must go and find a bathroom immediately. eener Pepperoni and Sausage --------------------- My tennis shoes are an environmental threat crustless little triangles hop on the piano keys performing "Chopsticks" the end of the world is coming while teethless hockey players attack skaters. Goodbye. eener And now for two hilariously funny poems we wrote together... Mental Hygiene By eener & melvan May 5, 1996 Today I bought some mental floss And stuck it in my ear It came right out the other side And now I cannot hear I then got in my little car And tried my best to steer To my chagrin into the road There ran a stoopid deer! I swerved and swerved and missed him but I stripped the steenking gears I swerved again, and Boom-de-boom! I knocked a mailbox clear Into Iowa, where all the corn Blew into a pier The farmer wipes away a tear Sips a beer And jumps off the pier The end is near The end is here Do not fear Sit on your rear And turn that bug Into a smear. melvan & eener Ode to Duct Tape ---------------- Duct tape... Holds the bumper to the car Keeps the Spam in the jar Covers the crack in the car seat Keeps my brother's shoes on his feet On the seat of my bike It's the one thing I like Sticks the flag to the pole Covered the hole in the cabin wall On the bass drums in the band room Without it we'd be surely doomed Fixes book bindings And holes in the siding Sitting on the TV A trophy for all to see. melvan & eener That's everything! This is the END of the email version of the anniversary issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine. We would like to take this opportunity to thank EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!!!! (except Elkvis...haha, just kidding) Without the subscribers, this zine wouldn't be where it is today. It'd be...somewhere else, I guess... ONCE MORE (blatant reference to our high school band director)...the web edition is at http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/anniversary/ :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).