Issue #48, 30 September 1996

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F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #48
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The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--mel's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

Hello folks!  This is the last issue before the big anniversary issue next
week!  Please let us know what your favorites are soon!

Once upon a time, there was a tractor.  It was a nice tractor.  It liked
everyone.  Everyone liked it.  The tractor was out in a cornfield one day,
and it spontaneously exploded.  The end.  The moral of the story:  Don't
eat peaches.


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, nothing happened.  The week before, nothing happened.
The week previous to that, again, nothing happened.  Nothing has happened
on ATTB since we started writing it.  This tradition will continue.

This week on ATTB, nothing is going to happen, aside from a slight
incident involving a package of braunschweiger, which, despite the fact
that it's liver sausage, actually tastes somewhat decent.

Scene:  Howard is about to open the package of braunshweiger, to which
Buffy is objecting.

Howard:  Look, nothing you say is going to stop me!  I'm hungry!
Buffy:  But that poor braunschweiger!  You'll kill it!
Howard:  I can't kill the *&%^$^&%#$ thing, it's not alive!
Al:  *steals the braunschweiger*  Haha!  I've got it!  I'm a hero!  Save
the braunshweiger!  I'm going to tell the ASPCA about you!
Howard:  Come on, give it back!
Raul:  Howard, you're sick.  Picking on a poor, defenseless braunshweiger?
How cruel!
Esmerelda:  *sobs*  I thought you were my friend!  Friends don't go
around picking on people littler than them!
I.M.:  Hey!  What the heck are you talking about?  Braunshweiger is an
inanimate object!  It doesn't have feelings!  It isn't alive!  It's just
a hunk of liver!
Howard:  Yeah, what he said.
Buffy:  You guys just don't get it, do you?  Braunshweigers are people too!
Esmerelda:  Just think of all those poor braunshweigers that people eat
every day!  It's horrible!  It has to stop! *sobs*
I.M.:  Oh, puh-leeeeaze...
(Meanwhile, Howard has been stalking Al, who has the braunshweiger...)
Howard:  *steals the braunshweiger back*  HAHAHA!!  I have the
braunshweiger!  I'm going to cut it open and put it in a sandwich and eat
it and there's nothing you can do to stop me!!!  *cuts open the
Esmerelda:  *sobs*  I can't watch this! *runs out of the room*
Al:  *gasps*  How dare you!
Raul:  *disgustedly*  You are one sick little puppy, Howard...
Howard:  Shut up, or you're next *points the knife at Raul*
Buffy:  Now you're threatening Raul??  It's not enough to kill an innocent
braunshweiger, you have to go after your FRIENDS now?  Sheesh, you think
you know somebody...
I.M.:  *takes a bite out of his sandwich*  Mmmm!  This is a good
sandwich, Howard!  *wipes braunshweiger off his hands*
Howard:  Um, I.M., shouldn't you be wearing gloves?
I.M.:  Gloves?  Oh yeah!  Gloves!  *tries to put the gloves on, but they
don't fit*  Uh, they don't what?

Join us next week, when once again, nothing will happen.

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email with your question

Dear Wise (and wonderous) Sage,

what exactly is the weeble incident?

Dazed and Confused One

Dear Dazed and Confused One,

The weeble incident occurred in a camp in Ontario, Canada.  Eener and
melvan were hanging out in the cabin, and eener got in a wacky mood (yes,
it does happen occasionally) and made up a song* about melvan being like a
weeble.  That, in a nutshell, is the weeble incident.

Wise Sage

*this is a song you will NEVER hear...


This is your LAST CHANCE to vote for your favorite FME stuff!  The
anniversary issue comes out next week!  Email with
your favorites.

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Untitled #295

Two boll weevils
in the spice cabinet...
climb into the oregano
tip over the pepper and salt
as they scurry towards the chopped
they chase each other
as the spices mingle in the air
thyme flies when you're having


General protection fault

as my computer misbehaves
I try to run the program
but all the computer
will say is
general protection fault
towards the collection of
bits and bytes
I sit and stew
in my chair
curls from my ears
just like in the cartoons
and then
an anvil falls
onto my head


The Abode

77 empty root beer bottles on the floor,
77 empty root beer bottles
if one of those bottles should happen to fall
77 broken root beer bottles on the floor
and socks
and root beer cartons
and junk
Enter if you dare
but don't
the guitar...


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).