Issue #47, 25 September 1996

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F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #47
F               M   M   M       E
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The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--mel's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

*sigh* Well, it's official.  Summer in the midwest is over.  Football
season has started.  School is back in session.  We actually had a frost
advisory last week.  Before long you'll be hearing melvan complain about
snow, ice, road salt, stupid snow plow drivers who can't plow snow, etc.

A somewhat funny story (or:  Yet another Oh Snop! column) by melvan

I was working yesterday (if you hadn't heard yet, I work at a Pizza Hut).
It was early afternoon, there was nothing else to do, so I was working on
some dishes.  I was scraping cheese off pans before putting them in the
dishwasher, when I heard the washer start.  I looked behind me...there was
nobody there.  There was nobody else in the area.  I hadn't touched the
machine in about 5 minutes.  I am serious.  I thought "Whoa...this is
weird..."  I continued scraping pans & throwing loads of dishes in the
washer.  Everything else went fine until I drained the dishwasher &
refilled it.  I put a load of dishes in, I shut the door...nothing.  It
wouldn't start.  I opened it & shut it again, because that sometimes
works.  Still nothing.  I turned the stoopid thing off & turned it back on
again.  STILL nothing.  I banged on the thing for a while (because that
actually DOES work sometimes too) and STILL NOTHING!  I was getting pretty
frustrated with the thing by this time.  I opened the door and was going
to shut it again...when all of a sudden, I feel this jet of water in my
face and hear the washer come on...

That dishwasher is possessed...


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

No ATTB this week...we've both been pretty WILL resume next week...

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email with your question

Dear Wise Sage:

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
(And if, perchance, the woodchuck wore dentures, could it chuck as much
wood as a nondentured woodchuck?)

Ring O' Tar

Dear Ring O' Tar,

If you employ the formula for wood-chucking, which is W=tyn*4, where W is
the amount of wood chucked, T is the denture/non-denture constant where
the denture value is 2 and the non-denture value is 1, Y is the air-speed
velocity of an unladen swallow (African), and N is the age of the
woodchuck in months, you will get your answer.  However, in this case, we
were unable to find the answer.  We asked the woodchuck her age, and she
wouldn't tell us.  However, there is the formula you can use for your
wood-chucking needs.  Also, for all practical purposes, the air-speed
velocity of an unladen African swallow is 120 mph.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage:

Do you know the way to San Jose?


Dear Itsee-Bitsee,

Drive North for fifty miles.  If you see the Eiffel Tower, you'll know you
went the wrong way.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

Ive Gfot this severe typining problem of wuse and wundephull sage, Every
time I try to laugh out loud it comes out Klik, and people are begging to
think im crazy....can you help?

Severe IRC Addict

Dear Addict,

First of all, you could try drinking some molasses.  This might slow down
your typing enough to make it come out correctly, with no typos.  Another
thing you could do is throw your keyboard out the window, and try
communicating with your computer by ESP.  If both of those options fail
you, try typing with your toes- but BE SURE to take your socks off first.

Wise Sage

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email

Diputs (Me and my friends' word for stupid)

* * * * * * * * * *

A man sat on his rooftop
"Why don't I fall through?"
he pondered to himself,
And promptly landed
in the living room.

Conclusion: Do not ponder on rooftops.(Duh.)

Thank you.

Ring O' Tar


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Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Untitled #239

she slices an onion
she chomps on roasted peanuts
she waits in a traffic jam
she is 007
Then she stops doing rhyming
verbs because it is becoming annoying


Crazy feline

I crumple a piece of paper
the cat comes running
he waits for me to toss it across
the room...
With wide brown eyes he watches me
I fake a throw
but he is not fooled
he waits...
I throw the wad of paper
he runs madly towards it...
batting it between his paws
he bites it like it was a
wiggling, dying cockroach
(Well, I could have said he bit it
like a mouse...but it wouldn't have
been as interesting)


Oops #59

i innocently mow the lawn
with music blaring in my ears
the tractor is behaving itself
and i'm almost done mowing
when all of a sudden, this culvert
jumps out from nowhere
and knocks the front wheels
out of alignment
the next thing i know
i'm banging on the tie rod
with a large mallet
and going deaf



Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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