FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #47 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --mel's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ *sigh* Well, it's official. Summer in the midwest is over. Football season has started. School is back in session. We actually had a frost advisory last week. Before long you'll be hearing melvan complain about snow, ice, road salt, stupid snow plow drivers who can't plow snow, etc. A somewhat funny story (or: Yet another Oh Snop! column) by melvan I was working yesterday (if you hadn't heard yet, I work at a Pizza Hut). It was early afternoon, there was nothing else to do, so I was working on some dishes. I was scraping cheese off pans before putting them in the dishwasher, when I heard the washer start. I looked behind me...there was nobody there. There was nobody else in the area. I hadn't touched the machine in about 5 minutes. I am serious. I thought "Whoa...this is weird..." I continued scraping pans & throwing loads of dishes in the washer. Everything else went fine until I drained the dishwasher & refilled it. I put a load of dishes in, I shut the door...nothing. It wouldn't start. I opened it & shut it again, because that sometimes works. Still nothing. I turned the stoopid thing off & turned it back on again. STILL nothing. I banged on the thing for a while (because that actually DOES work sometimes too) and STILL NOTHING! I was getting pretty frustrated with the thing by this time. I opened the door and was going to shut it again...when all of a sudden, I feel this jet of water in my face and hear the washer come on... That dishwasher is possessed... #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di No ATTB this week...we've both been pretty busy...it WILL resume next week... *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your question Dear Wise Sage: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (And if, perchance, the woodchuck wore dentures, could it chuck as much wood as a nondentured woodchuck?) Ring O' Tar Dear Ring O' Tar, If you employ the formula for wood-chucking, which is W=tyn*4, where W is the amount of wood chucked, T is the denture/non-denture constant where the denture value is 2 and the non-denture value is 1, Y is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow (African), and N is the age of the woodchuck in months, you will get your answer. However, in this case, we were unable to find the answer. We asked the woodchuck her age, and she wouldn't tell us. However, there is the formula you can use for your wood-chucking needs. Also, for all practical purposes, the air-speed velocity of an unladen African swallow is 120 mph. Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage: Do you know the way to San Jose? Itsee-Bitsee Dear Itsee-Bitsee, Drive North for fifty miles. If you see the Eiffel Tower, you'll know you went the wrong way. Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage, Ive Gfot this severe typining problem of wuse and wundephull sage, Every time I try to laugh out loud it comes out Klik, and people are begging to think im crazy....can you help? Severe IRC Addict Dear Addict, First of all, you could try drinking some molasses. This might slow down your typing enough to make it come out correctly, with no typos. Another thing you could do is throw your keyboard out the window, and try communicating with your computer by ESP. If both of those options fail you, try typing with your toes- but BE SURE to take your socks off first. Wise Sage ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com Diputs (Me and my friends' word for stupid) * * * * * * * * * * A man sat on his rooftop thinking. "Why don't I fall through?" he pondered to himself, And promptly landed in the living room. Conclusion: Do not ponder on rooftops.(Duh.) Thank you. Ring O' Tar ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ NOBODY has voted for their favorite FME stuff yet! You have ONLY 7 DAYS LEFT to do this! Please email firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com and vote for your favorites! ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Untitled #239 ------------------- Crying she slices an onion Flying she chomps on roasted peanuts Sighing she waits in a traffic jam Spying she is 007 Then she stops doing rhyming verbs because it is becoming annoying eener Crazy feline ---------------- I crumple a piece of paper the cat comes running Expectant he waits for me to toss it across the room... With wide brown eyes he watches me intently I fake a throw but he is not fooled Crouching he waits... I throw the wad of paper he runs madly towards it... batting it between his paws he bites it like it was a wiggling, dying cockroach (Well, I could have said he bit it like a mouse...but it wouldn't have been as interesting) eener Oops #59 -------- i innocently mow the lawn with music blaring in my ears the tractor is behaving itself and i'm almost done mowing when all of a sudden, this culvert jumps out from nowhere and knocks the front wheels out of alignment the next thing i know i'm banging on the tie rod with a large mallet and going deaf melvan :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).