Issue #46, 16 September 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #46
F               M   M   M       E
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F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--mel's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

HELLO!!!!!  This is the intro!


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

The Evil Taxi Driver (Batman): played by Beldin

Last week on ATTB, we discovered the cause of Batman...picking up women
(isn't that the case with most superheroes though?)  Howard asked the
blonde receptionist to go out with which she replied, "Sure!
I'll go out with your last name Gfot?"

At the theater, Howard is impatiently waiting for his friends to tell him
how to answer the blonde receptionist's question...because he doesn't have
a brain to figure it out himself...

Howard:  What should I say??  I've been on the phone for a week, and you
guys haven't told me what to say yet!!  Should I tell her my last name is
I.M.:  I don't know...Buffy, do you know?
Buffy:  Listen, for all I care you can tell her you have purple hair and
a blue mustache!  Just leave me alone!
Esmerelda:  Get a green tattoo.
Buffy:  Um...ok...
Howard:  But should I tell her my last name is Gfot?  Is it a good thing
or a bad thing?
Raul:  I really don't care, Howard...tell her whatever you want to tell her.
Receptionist:  Well??  Is your last name Gfot?
Howard:, my last name is Gfot.
Receptionist:  It is??  Marry me!  I wanna have your last name!
Howard:  Marry you?  Sure!  *screaming*  HEY GUYS!!  I JUST GOT ENGAGED!

Meanwhile, in the taxi...

Al:  But what does this mean about my Presidential campaign?  I am
running for president, you know.
Taxi Driver:  Hmmm...this is a problem.  Well, let's not worry about that
right now...let's worry about getting you a superhero costume.
Al:  Ooh!  Do I get a cape and everything?
Taxi Driver:  Of course you get a cape!  All superheroes get capes!
Al:  What color?
Taxi Driver:  You get to pick that.
Al:  Cool!  I want a pink & purple one!

Join us next time...or not...

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email with your question

Dear Wise Sage(tm),

What is a "Sage"?  Why are they called "Sages"?  What does that have to do
with the sage plant?  Y'know, I like sage incense.. only really good kind,
though, but that doesn't matter, really.  Actually, there's sage in my
shampoo, too.  So, does this mean that I have wise shampoo?  Does using
wise shampoo make my head more wise?

-Confused about sage and Sages.

Dear Confused,

In last week's issue, I revealed that "Sage" was derived from the name of
a strange type of Eggplant found in Tasmania, the SageEggplant.  This may
come as a shock to you, but the ingredient "sage" in your shampoo, is
actually eggplant.  Overuse of thiat shampoo may cause your hair to turn
purple.  The shampoo will only cause you to become wiser if you find a way
to get the purple out of your hair.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

I've been wondering.  Why are the big bags you store garbage in black?
Why not for instance neon red?

Signed, Teemu M{ki

Dear Teemu,

The Garbage Bag Foundation (GBF) was able to purchase a large amount of
black dye at a very low price.  Calculating the current number of garbage
bag users times the number of boxes used per month....the black dye won't
run out until the year 3014.  I have heard the rumor that they were
offered some neon red dye, but didn't accept the offer, due to the idea
that the garbage bags might enrage bulls in Spain.

Wise Sage

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email

Just about fell over when I (melvan) found this in my mailbox on's been a while since we heard anything from Potato Land.

Dear Editors:

It's early in the morning here in Potato Land, and I am alive.  Just
wanted to check in with you and all the readers.  This is a subliminal
attempt to get you to vote for my column in the Best of FME.  So if you
read that last sentence before going on to this one, you know what you
have to do.

Well, anyway it's nice to have a moment to write and say hi.

I wish to thank you editors and all you people out there who so sorely
miss reading Postcards from Potato Land for inspiring my second book
title.  Rather than contributing to FME over the past few months, I have
been right here at my computer screen compiling about 220 pages of classic
literature which is sure to make the New York Times Bestseller list.  And
guess what I named it.  Yup, you got it.  Postcards from Potato Land will
be out in March if all goes well.  So pass the word around the world and
when I make my millions, I'll invite all FME subscribers to my house here
in beautiful North Potato Land for a baked potato party.  In the meantime,
remember me when you vote.



Once again, we ask you to vote for your favorite stuff of FME!

The categories are:
--Favorite ATTB episode
--Favorite Dumb Poetry
--Favorite Wise Sage letters
--Favorite section of the magazine
--Favorite stuff from "The Section Where Other People Write"/"Fruit Bats
in Your Toilet"

PLEASE respond by September 30!!  The anniversary issue will be ready on
Wednesday, October 9.

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash


The Trix Rabbit
would get the Trix...
Wile E. Coyote
would catch that durn Road Runner....
There would be a roll of duct tape
in every home in America...
and I
would have pixi stix coming out my ears...
would suddenly get laryngitis...
The four basic food groups would be
Pizza, Sugar, Pixi Stix
and Macaroni and Cheese...
and everyone
would know what "wutg" means!





*In case you hadn't heard or experienced it yourself, MCI had some big
problems on Sunday, which royally screwed up a lot of the internet.


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).