Issue #45, 9 September 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #45
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--mel's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

Hello again!!!  We have a great project that we desperately need your help
on!  We are compiling some of the best FME stuff from the last year for
our 1 year anniversary edition, and we need YOU to tell us what you liked
best from the last year!

VOTE for your favorites!

The categories are:
--Favorite ATTB episode
--Favorite Dumb Poetry
--Favorite Wise Sage letters
--Favorite section of the magazine
--Favorite stuff from "The Section Where Other People Write"/"Fruit Bats
in Your Toilet"

PLEASE respond by September 30!!  The anniversary issue will be ready on
Wednesday, October 9.

Another installment of

Oh Snop!
(life's little annoyances)

....or whatever the heading for this category is :)

For those of you who are relatively new to FME, "Snop" is the official bad
word of this publication.  This section is devoted to complaining about
life's little annoyances, and I (eener) have a gripe about something,
sooo...hey!  Wait!  Where are you going?  Ok...I'll complain
nicely....NOT!  ;)

This is a complaint about what a pain in the rear it is to get a license
here in Georgia, where I recently moved.  I lost my license in Wisconsin
before I moved and couldn't find it!  If I would have known what a royal
pain getting one here would be after losing my WI license...I sure
would've gotten a replacement before I left.  Ahh...but hindsight is
always 20/20.  To begin with, I have to take my driving and written tests
again.  I'm not TOO worried about that part of it...all except the
parallel parking part.  I *hate* parallel parking, and I certainly don't
think I'm the *only* one ;)  The worst part of it all, is that I need
"proof of residence" before I can get a driver's license here.  I don't
have ANY of the things on the list that you can use for proof of
residence.  You can use several things, such as a bank statement with your
address on it...but it has to be a LOCAL bank (which of course it doesn't
specify on the list :P).  And in order to get an account here, you need a
job here....geez!  Of course, I am set now, because I just got a job at
Delta Airlines here...and they can write a letter stating that my address
is such and such.  Woo woo!!  But a warning to all....get a replacement
license BEFORE you move....and avoid the hassle!!!  Of still
might need proof of residence..but you probably won't need to take the
test again!  Ok...I'll shuddup now...I can see you advancing towards me
holding that duct tape.  Nooo!  Don't duct tape my fingers!!  I won't be
able to type!  Ack!  Ack!  Ack!!!  aosdiugp;osai;odifu;asdodifu;asf.....


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di
The Evil Taxi Driver:  played by Beldin

Last week on ATTB, Al discovered that the "evil taxi driver" that
kidnapped him, was in fact Batman in disguise!!!  His plan was to get Al
to be his sidekick....

Taxi Driver:  Al...I now dub you my new sidekick..."Sir Laffsalot"
*whonks Al on either side of his head with a large foam noodle*
Al:  Ouch!
Taxi Driver:  I expect you to be faithful to the cause of Batman, which is
to get as many babes as you can to fall in love with you!
Al:  Uh...I think I can go along with that!
Taxi Driver:  Good, I'm glad you like the idea...because the pay sucks.

Back at the theater, Howard is having a phone conversation with the blonde

Howard:  Wanna go out Saturday night?
Receptionist:  Um...where do you wanna go? *dabs white-out on the phone
receiver* Oooops, sorry, I didn't mean to say that.  What I meant to say
was "Sure!  I'll go out with your last name Gfot?"
Howard:  *with his hand over the phone mouthpiece*  Hey guys!  She asked
me if my last name was Gfot...what should I say?  And what's a gfot???

Join us next week...when you may or may not find out what a gfot is...


In case you care to know, MELVAN FINALLY GOT HER HARD DRIVE!!!!!

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email with your question

Wise Sage,

Do you get your name from the sage brush that grows in the wild or are you
a decendent of the family Sage (Pronounced saw-gee, greek for "Let his
cereal sit too long")?

M. Parsons

Dear M. Parsons,

Actually, I am named after a strange variety of eggplant from Tasmania
called the SageEggplant.

Wise Sage

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email



Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Malaprops up the wazoo

Hey people!
Go out today
and kick a gift horse in the teeth...
while you're at it...
plug your nose
something stinks in Denver....


Jingle Bells (seriously revised version)

It's Christmas '96...
fa la la la la la la la laaaaa
Buy Renee some pixie stix
fa la la la la la la la laaaaaa...
Kill Alanis Morisette
Fa la la la la la la la laaaaaaa!

Iiii just realized...
the title of this poem...
should be...
Deck the halls....
seriously revised...
Isn't it ironic...
don't you think?



a time
the mail came at noon
at 2 pm.


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon.