Issue #44, 2 September 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #44
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener): eener@juno.com
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@wildstar.net

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Oops.

It seems that some people got last week's issue more than once.  One
person even got it THREE times.  While we know that you all LOVE the
magazine, we also know that too much of a good thing can be harmful.  So
if you've experienced any strange symptoms in the last week as a result of
getting two or more copies of FME, shove a roll of duct tape in your
mouth.

Also, after sending out last week's issue, melvan realized that there were
in fact two poems in the DPIACTT section that were also in FME #42.  Oops
again.

Third, melvan is gonna try sending this from her shell account this
week...so we'll see how it goes...

And finally...we have a case of the missing issues.  We seem to have
misplaced issues 40-42.  If you happen to have one of them sitting around
somewhere, please send it to melvan@wildstar.net so she can put them on
the web where they belong.


####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

GUEST STAR:
The Evil Taxi Driver:  played by Beldin


Last week on ATTB, Al got ticked off at everyone and ran away in a taxi.
This taxi was, in fact, driven by the SAME taxi driver that "kidnapped"
Raul & Esmerelda in Scene 1.  One of our readers has asked to play the
part of the evil taxi driver (since he's a taxi driver in real life).  So
we're gonna let him.

This week, we will learn just what the taxi driver plans to do with Al...

(In the taxi)
Al:  Hey, you took a wrong turn!  My house is the other way!
Taxi Driver:  I'm not taking you home.
Al:  *looks closely at the taxi driver*  Hey, you look familiar...didn't
I see you back in Scene 1?  You're the same taxi driver who kidnapped my
friends!!  Take me home!!
Taxi Driver:  Shhh!!  Be quiet! *looks around nervously*  I'm going to
tell you something, and you have to keep it a secret!  All right?
Al:  *whimpering*  Uh...ok...
Taxi Driver:  *stops the car, looks around, and whispers*  I'm Batman.
I'm taking you to the bat cave.  I need a new sidekick.  Robin has
decided to be a shoe salesman.  You're perfect for the job.  We'll call
you...call you...uh...help me out here...
Al:  You'll call me "uh help me out here"?
Taxi Driver:  Yes!  That's perfect!  Now don't tell anyone!  *starts the
car & drives off into the sunset, towards the bat cave*

Meanwhile, back at the theater...

Esmerelda:  It's all my fault!  I threw the gfots!  I sinfed!  This never
would have happened if I'd behaved myself!
I.M.:  But then you wouldn't be Esmerelda!  You'd be...uh...someone else.
Buffy:  *gasps*  Wow!  That's amazing, I.M.!  You should be a philosopher!
I.M.:  Why, thank you Buffy!
Raul:  *looks at his watch*  You guys are so boring.  I'm calling the
taxi company.
Howard:  Last time we tried that we got a blonde receptionist.  She was
stupid.
Esmerelda:  Oh, you've got LOTS of room to talk, Howard.
Howard:  Yeah...what she said.
Raul:  *calls the taxi company*  Hello?  I think one of your cab drivers
has kidnapped a friend of mine.
Receptionist:  I'm sorry, I can't help you.  I just answer phones and get
coffee.
Howard:  *grabs the phone away from Raul*  Are you the blonde receptionist?
Receptionist:  Why, yes, I am!  Why do you ask?
Howard:  Are you single?
Receptionist:  Um...I think so...let me check my calendar...

Join us next week, when we find out just how silly Al looks in his new
super hero costume.

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  Email eener@juno.com with your question

The wise sage is contemplating your letters and will have answers for them
in the next couple of weeks.

*************************
Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
*************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email melvan@wildstar.net

The first person to respond to our challenge!  In case you didn't get last
week's issue, we want you to send us funny stuff that you or other people
you know have said.  This one is from Ed Dickey:

I have a friend who has, to say the least, a unique view of the world. For
some reason I haven't quite connected yet, the Cornerstone fest seems to
bring out the best/worst in him. The following are among his observations:

(while walking to a show, eating a green pepper much like normal people
would eat an apple, and noticing for the first time that peppers were
hollow): Hmmm... I wonder how they get the air inside there.

(while staring up into a star-filled sky): Look! Sky dandruff!

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Basically, the same news applies as last week.  New addresses for
everything.

The Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/
melvan's email:  melvan@wildstar.net
eener's email:  eener@juno.com

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Cool song lyrics nowadays
-------------------------------------

Iiiii recommend
getting your heart
stomped on by
Macarena!
Heyyy Macarena!
Well- my boyfriend was out of town
and his friends were so fine...
so I gave them
millions of peaches!
peaches for free...
peaches on a tree
flowing down a mountain
They were all in love with dying
they were doing it in Texas
Isn't it ironic
don't you think?

eener

Spitting
----------

Pttttooooey!!
Ptoooeyyyyy!!

eener

Help I kan't tipe
---------------------

wutg...
gfot...
klik...
speeling is so much fun!
May as well take your
keyboard and throw it out
the window!
But
be sure
to
open it
first.

eener

Dang
----

computers
telnet
irc
hangups
ping timeouts
linenoise
typos
out of Dr Pepper
AND fresh bananas

melvan

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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