FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #44 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): email@example.com Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): firstname.lastname@example.org Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Oops. It seems that some people got last week's issue more than once. One person even got it THREE times. While we know that you all LOVE the magazine, we also know that too much of a good thing can be harmful. So if you've experienced any strange symptoms in the last week as a result of getting two or more copies of FME, shove a roll of duct tape in your mouth. Also, after sending out last week's issue, melvan realized that there were in fact two poems in the DPIACTT section that were also in FME #42. Oops again. Third, melvan is gonna try sending this from her shell account this week...so we'll see how it goes... And finally...we have a case of the missing issues. We seem to have misplaced issues 40-42. If you happen to have one of them sitting around somewhere, please send it to email@example.com so she can put them on the web where they belong. #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di GUEST STAR: The Evil Taxi Driver: played by Beldin Last week on ATTB, Al got ticked off at everyone and ran away in a taxi. This taxi was, in fact, driven by the SAME taxi driver that "kidnapped" Raul & Esmerelda in Scene 1. One of our readers has asked to play the part of the evil taxi driver (since he's a taxi driver in real life). So we're gonna let him. This week, we will learn just what the taxi driver plans to do with Al... (In the taxi) Al: Hey, you took a wrong turn! My house is the other way! Taxi Driver: I'm not taking you home. Al: *looks closely at the taxi driver* Hey, you look familiar...didn't I see you back in Scene 1? You're the same taxi driver who kidnapped my friends!! Take me home!! Taxi Driver: Shhh!! Be quiet! *looks around nervously* I'm going to tell you something, and you have to keep it a secret! All right? Al: *whimpering* Uh...ok... Taxi Driver: *stops the car, looks around, and whispers* I'm Batman. I'm taking you to the bat cave. I need a new sidekick. Robin has decided to be a shoe salesman. You're perfect for the job. We'll call you...call you...uh...help me out here... Al: You'll call me "uh help me out here"? Taxi Driver: Yes! That's perfect! Now don't tell anyone! *starts the car & drives off into the sunset, towards the bat cave* Meanwhile, back at the theater... Esmerelda: It's all my fault! I threw the gfots! I sinfed! This never would have happened if I'd behaved myself! I.M.: But then you wouldn't be Esmerelda! You'd be...uh...someone else. Buffy: *gasps* Wow! That's amazing, I.M.! You should be a philosopher! I.M.: Why, thank you Buffy! Raul: *looks at his watch* You guys are so boring. I'm calling the taxi company. Howard: Last time we tried that we got a blonde receptionist. She was stupid. Esmerelda: Oh, you've got LOTS of room to talk, Howard. Howard: Yeah...what she said. Raul: *calls the taxi company* Hello? I think one of your cab drivers has kidnapped a friend of mine. Receptionist: I'm sorry, I can't help you. I just answer phones and get coffee. Howard: *grabs the phone away from Raul* Are you the blonde receptionist? Receptionist: Why, yes, I am! Why do you ask? Howard: Are you single? Receptionist: Um...I think so...let me check my calendar... Join us next week, when we find out just how silly Al looks in his new super hero costume. *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your question The wise sage is contemplating your letters and will have answers for them in the next couple of weeks. ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com The first person to respond to our challenge! In case you didn't get last week's issue, we want you to send us funny stuff that you or other people you know have said. This one is from Ed Dickey: I have a friend who has, to say the least, a unique view of the world. For some reason I haven't quite connected yet, the Cornerstone fest seems to bring out the best/worst in him. The following are among his observations: (while walking to a show, eating a green pepper much like normal people would eat an apple, and noticing for the first time that peppers were hollow): Hmmm... I wonder how they get the air inside there. (while staring up into a star-filled sky): Look! Sky dandruff! ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ Basically, the same news applies as last week. New addresses for everything. The Macheen Shed: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ melvan's email: firstname.lastname@example.org eener's email: email@example.com ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Cool song lyrics nowadays ------------------------------------- Iiiii recommend getting your heart stomped on by Macarena! Heyyy Macarena! Well- my boyfriend was out of town and his friends were so fine... so I gave them millions of peaches! peaches for free... peaches on a tree flowing down a mountain They were all in love with dying they were doing it in Texas Isn't it ironic don't you think? eener Spitting ---------- Pttttooooey!! Ptoooeyyyyy!! eener Help I kan't tipe --------------------- wutg... gfot... klik... speeling is so much fun! May as well take your keyboard and throw it out the window! But be sure to open it first. eener Dang ---- computers telnet irc hangups ping timeouts linenoise typos out of Dr Pepper AND fresh bananas melvan :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).