Issue #43, 26 August 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #43
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

Attention all FME subscribers!!!

We have been made aware of the fact that the silliness council is closely
watching us, the writers of FME and all our subscribers.  Watch your back!
And laugh quietly!  If they discover our silliness overload, they'll duct
tape us to the floor AGAIN...and we wouldn't want *that* to happen!

ATTENTION!  We are sorry that FME did not come out last week...if you have
experienced any withdrawal symptoms, please eat a bag of cheddar cheese
Combos.  The zine may have some more lapses...due to computer problems on
both of our please be patient.  This SHOULD all be done when
melvan finally gets a hard drive for her computer...


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, the entire cast appearred as guests on the Oprah
Winfrey show to talk about how it felt to drown in a can of Mountain Dew.

Scene:  A theater.  The characters are rehearsing a scene from "Monty
Python and the Holy Grail."  Al is trying to direct them.

Howard:  I wanna play the French guard!!
I.M.:  No, let me!!
Al:  Raul is going to be the French Guard.  Howard will play King
Arthur.  And I.M. will play Galahad.
Esmerelda:  What about me & Buffy?
Al:  You can be the understudies.
Buffy:  Cool.  That means I don't have to do anything.
Raul:  Wow, I got a decent part!    Je suis
le poisson rouge.
Al:  What?
Raul:  Je suis le poisson rouge.
Howard:  What the !#$@#$ does THAT mean?
Raul:  I don't know.  It's just fun to say.
Al:  Allllllllrighty then...let's get started. *passes out scripts to
everyone*  Ready, Howard?  You have the first line.
Howard:  Halt!  Hallo!

Sound effects guy:  Hey, you never told us this horn was broke!
Al:  I didn't?  Uh...sorry.  Just forget the sound effects for now, ok?
Raul:    Allo!  Who is eet?
Al:  Cut!  Cut!  Raul, that accent is pitiful.  You sound just like
you're from France!  Make it more fake!
Raul:  Uh...ok.    Allo!  Who is it?
Howard:  It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table.
*suddenly gets a clue*  Hey, where are the knights?
Al:  Well, you've got I.M....
Howard:  There's supposed to be more than one, you @$%$^(* director!!
Who do you think you are, anyway??
Al:  I think...I am a chicken fajita.
Esmerelda:  Guys, SHUT UP!! *throws gfots at the guys*
I.M.:  *picks up a gfot* What the heck is this thing?? *tastes it*  Hey,
this isn't too bad!  It sorta tastes like cat food!
Buffy:  You're disgusting.

Raul:  What the heck are you doing???
Esmerelda:  I'm sinfing.
Al:  AAARGH!!!  *throws the script in disgust*  You guys are lousy
actors!  We can't get anything done without somebody throwing gfots at
everyone!  That's it...I'm going home.  *yelling* TAXI!!!!!!!!

Buffy:  *rolls her eyes* That moron...
I.M.:  *screaming frantically*  HEY!!!  Did you guys see who that was in
the taxi???  That was the evil taxi driver that kidnapped Raul &
Esmerelda way back in Scene 1!!  Somebody has to stop him!!
Howard:  Whatever, whatever.
I.M.:  Hey, that's MY line!!

Join us next time, when yet again, they will try to track down the evil
taxi driver...

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  email with your questions

The Wise Sage blew up her computer real good because a) she didn't get any
letters in the last couple weeks, and b) part of her puter was broke
anyway, so she figured "what the hick, I'll just pretend it's a tractor."

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email

This is a story that Spazzy, an IRC friend sent to us.  He has graciously
allowed us to include it here.  Enjoy!

This weekend we took the boys out to see a movie.  We saw "Jack" with
Robin Williams.  He makes a great 10 yr old kid.  ;-)  Anyway, during the
movie, my 5-yr-old son Nicholas made a comment during one scene that
cracked up everyone in the theater.

In this scene, Jack's father (a photographer) was on a photo shoot for
some kind of farm or produce or growers advertisement or calendar or
something like that (no, I don't remember exactly).  In the scene he was
shooting were some HUGE carrots (looked like large rockets or missiles)
and sitting on them were these ... ahem ... buxom blonde beauties wearing
somewhat revealing attire (you get the idea).  Anyway, when this scene
came on, it was very quiet and Nicholas said in a LOUD 5-yr-old voice
"WHOOOOAAA!"  He of course was referring to the giant carrots, not the
cleavage (yes, we confirmed this after the movie was over).  ;-)  But, the
rest of the people in the movie theater thought he was referring to the
ladies, and the whole place busted out laughing.  I had tears in my eyes
from laughing so hard, but I also kinda slid down low in my seat, too.
:-)  Sheesh!!!  Kids!!!  I still chuckle now when I think about it.

Something funny Darin said that NEEDS to be printed!!! lol

We were talking about warts...and he was saying how when he was little he
had one on his foot, and the doctor was "farting around with it, taking
his time, making money off it...he just put some WD40 on it."  I burst
into hysterical laughter!!  Of course, what he meant was Compound W...not


"Something stinks in Denver."
"It wasn't missing, I just didn't know where it was!"

WE ISSUE A CHALLENGE!  Send us funny stuff that you or other people you
know have said.


PLEASE SEND anything for melvan to

Not only has melvan's email address changed, but so has eener's!  To send
anything to eener, please address email to

And, in case you haven't noticed, or in case we forgot to mention it last
time, the FME web page has MOVED to  If you have a bookmark on the
page (yah, right!) please update it.

AND...the 1 year anniversary issue is underway...well, at least the web
pages are...We have yet to figure out just what we're going to put in

AND...we heard a rumor recently about a NEW EZINE coming out pretty soon.
It is called Prophet Online Electronic Magazine (POEM) and can be reached
at  The two guys who will be
writing this are IRC friends of ours and we're SURE that it will be

AND fresh bananas.

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Broken Record

I sit back
I relax
I turn on the radio
I hear Alanis
I howl in terror
and shoot the radio.

I get in my car
To go shopping
I turn the key
and Alanis's voice
fills the speaker
I blow up my car.

I walk to the store instead...
and when I
get to the shopping center
Over the speakers
I hear
Alanis's voice...
Iiiiiiii recommend blowing
up this shopping center
for anyone....

I get home...
and on the tv...
Guess what I saw?
Yep....a commercial
for disco music.

Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?



there are two
that will
be answered...
"What the hick is a gfot?"
"What's an eener?"


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not
changed in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in
(in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).