Issue #42, 12 August 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #42
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

This is an intro... :)

AND NoW for....The DucT TaPe Dream!!! (by eener)

Well, folks...guess what??  I actually had a dream involving duct tape
recently.  I *also* had a dream that same night about having a purple
police car come to melvan's house, but that's another story ;)

The duct tape dream started with me at work at Rockwood Research (where I
worked for years before I moved to Atlanta.)  I was calling someone on the
phone, and for some reason the phone broke, and I tried to put a new phone
in.  Ya know those little phone jacks where you put the phone line it?  I
tried putting the phone line in...but it was too small and wouldn't stay
in the hole!! was a job for duct tape!  So...I told my
supervisor we needed to fix it with duct tape.  He said "ok, I think it's
in the basement somewhere.  Could you go find it?"  And hence began the
QueSt for the DuCt TaPe.  I ventured down into the basement...(it's beside
the point that I don't even think Rockwood *has* a basement...these things
are irrelevant in dreams.)  It was filled with cobwebs...*huge* cobwebs!!
I kept getting them in my face as I walked through.  I finally found the
duct tape hanging on a peg on one of the support beams.  I inspected it
closely, fearing mildew from the basement may have harmed it.  Then I went
outside, where I was all of a sudden near a cliff of some type.  Water ran
under it.  Some of my coworkers were on the other side, and they were
urging me to throw them the duct tape.  I tried to throw it and jump over
at the same time, but I could tell it wasn't going to work.  They said
"Throw the duct tape over, then come!!"  I threw it towards them, but it
came up short and landed in the water, so I leaped in to rescue it.
Hmmm...and I don't remember much more...soooooo I'll end it here.  THE


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, the entire cast drowned in a can of Mountain Dew.

Scene:  The entire cast is appearing on the Oprah Winfrey show...

Oprah:  Today, our show's topic is..."How it feels to drown in Mountain

Audience:  *applauds*

Oprah:  (turning to Raul)  Our first guest is Raul!! did
falling in a can of Mountain Dew make you feel?
Raul:  *pondering*  Well...I'd have to made me feel very wet.
Audience:  *applauds*

(Oprah walks over to an audience member)

Oprah:  Yes, do you have a question for a panel member?
Audience Member:  Yes...this question is directed to that large, muscular
man sitting behind Raul....Have you ever rescued anyone from martians?
Arnold Schwarzenegger:  No.
Oprah:  (turning to Esmerelda)  Moving along, our next guest is
Audience:  *applauds and cheers*
Oprah:  How did you feel after drowning in Mountain Dew, Esmerelda?
Esmerelda:  It upset me very much...
Oprah:  Because you felt like you were too young to die?
Esmerelda:  No, because I would *much* rather have drowned in Dr. Pepper!

Audience:  *wild applause*

(Oprah looks up at the clock)

Oprah:  Oops!  We're out of time for today's show!  Our topic for
tomorrow is..."Elvis impersonators singing Alanis songs...the craze of
today."  Join us then!  Until then..remember!  Help control the pet
population- have your pet spayed or neutered! G'bye everybody!

Join us next week on ATTB, when Howard chokes on a gfot....

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

We know it's true for n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true for every
natural number less than n.  N is arbitrary, so we can take n as large as
we want.  If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is trivially
equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n.  We can take n = n
(from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.

So, what the heck is n?

From Mr. Sharky

Dear Mr. Sharky,

To discover what n must first take the natural logarithm of it.
Of course, if you feel uncomfortable doing can take the
UNnatural logarithm of it.  Once you've performed this step, take n and
put it in a Ronco food dehydrator and hit the "power" button.  If, after
this, the n has not disintegrated, insert it in a power outlet and listen
for the sound it makes.  If it hisses, then n is one.  If it
won't matter, because you'll be dead.

Wise Sage

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

"A cow is just a cow...but duct tape is forever."
--Courtesy of Dave Hart


Um...Nothing this week...

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Sesame Street song...revised

Sunny day...everything's a-ok
On my way to where the air is clean....
Canya tell me how to git
how to git to Sesame street?
How to git to Sesame street?

Rainy day...everyone's in my way....
I feel crabby..I'm gonna kill someone..
Canya tell me how to mix...
how to mix a poisonous drink?
How to mix a poisonous drink?

Sunny day...everything's a-ok...
'cept the policemen in my houseeee...
Canya tell my mom to bail..
bail me outta jail today?
bail me outta jail today?


Pig Bat

When pigs fly...


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed
in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in
regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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