FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #40 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): email@example.com Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): firstname.lastname@example.org Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ This is the issue we were supposed to send last week, but misplaced. I FOUND IT!! HAHAHA!!! You thought you were safe, didn't you? HA! FME turns the big 4-0 this week!! 40 issues!!! Woohoo!! I (melvan), in all honesty, didn't think we'd last this long with it...yet another proof that I don't know it all.... #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last week on ATTB, the characters were shocked by the confession of Buffy...she was secretly in love with Howard, whom, as we discovered, had done prison time for impersonating Barney, and I'm adding on to this sentence, just to make it a very long run-on sentence... The scene: a small antiques store in Iowa (because the special f-x budget is low, and we've used this scene before...) Buffy: *sobbing* Howard, Howard....I don't care that you are an ex-con...I love you! I want to marry you!! I.M.: But you left me at the altar when you found out I'm named after the metric system...why him???? *NOTE FOR NEW SUBSCRIBERS: I.M. stands for "In Metric"....* Arnold Schwarzenegger: How frustrating...why do I keep popping up here? (Raul shoots Arnold with disappearing fluid, and Arnold fades into nothingness) Esmerelda: Hey!!!! I have an idea!!! Let's go to Disneyworld! Special FX guy: Sorry...we can't afford to send you all there. (Arnold begins to glimmer back into existence) I.M.: I still love you Buffy...you can't marry Howard!!! Buffy: Hmmm...maybe I should forget you all and go after Arnold!! Arnold: Um...I'm already married, actually... Al: What about my presidential campaign? Raul: This is so weird! I feel like all these plots, present and past, are colliding!! Plot collision extroadinaire!! I.M.: Whatever, whatever. Esmerelda: I have *such* a bad headache!! Narrator: Use Nuprin! Small, yellow, different. Raul: It's LITTLE, yellow, different. I.M.: Whatever, whatever. Howard: I think I.M. likes that song... Esmerelda: Type the text of your message here. Howard: asdffdkja;jkla;jkldfasjafdsjkffdasjjkdfdadfsfdfdsfjkj;kjk;;afdsj Esmerelda: WOW...where did you learn Swahili, Howard?? Buffy: Awwww...what a talented guy..I *must* snatch him up before someone else realizes how wonderful he is, and steals him out from under my nose!!! Esmerelda: Ewwwww...you keep him *under* your *NOSE????* I.M.: That's DISGUSTING Raul: Whatever, whatever. I.M.: Hey, that's my line!!! Buffy: When you just spoke that weird language...what were you saying Howard? Howard: I'll tell you next week. Buffy: I want to know NOW!!! Howard: I'll tell you next week!!!!!! Esmerelda: Yes...he was saying, that he'll tell you next week!! Buffy: *frowning* I wanna know what he said!!! Howard: I'd rather not say in front of everyone else... Buffy: (suddenly realizes) Ohhhhhhh......you'll tell me next week... alone? Raul: Somehow...this reminds me of Sesame street...remember that time when one person was learning Spanish...and he learned how to say "no," and the other character wanted to learn how to say "no" and the guy says.. "no," and the girl keeps asking, how to say "NO???!!" Buffy: Er...no...all I remember from Sesame street is how they always taught us how to say "water" in Spanish... All the characters: AGUA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Narrator: This episode of "As the Tractor Burns" has been sponsored by the letter P, the letter X, and the number 309846123897461293876423198674. Join us next week...when everyone drowns in a can of Mountain Dew...OOOPs!!! We gave away the ending!! *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email email@example.com with your questions Dear Wise Sage Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? From, Frobean Dear Frobean, The people who made up the terms for these objects had obviously been sniffing kool-aid dust when they labeled them. Most likely, it involved several people together, in a strange mood, who decided to call the strip of road where we park a "driveway" and where we drive a "parkway." These people were bored and wanted to do something to make the human race wonder. These were most likely the same people who invented the "Syntax Error" in the computer. Wise Sage ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email firstname.lastname@example.org hey, I found this on one of the mailing lists I subscribe to, reminded me of some of your back issues. From the Personals: ------------------- SBF Seeks Male companionship. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips. Cosy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work. Kiss me and I'm yours. I'm a svelt good looking girl who loves to play. Call 565-2121 and ask for Daisy I'm an eight week old black labrador retriever. Patty ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ Well, now that you all know what 'wutg' is all about...we at FME are proud to present THE OFFICIAL WUTG PAGE!! Yes, that's right! Last Saturday night when melvan had nothing better to do, she searched the web for pages that said wutg...and found plenty of them! So all the pages that have that particular typo on them will be linked on this page - as soon as mel gets around to writing it up.... And now, of course, the official radio station of FME will be WUTG....if there is such a station....and if there is, and you know about it, you'll tell us, right? Oh! I suppose you're waiting for the URL, right? OK... http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/wutg.htm ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Plague ------ Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic. melvan Erp --- If you chug a can of pop cold as a snake in July.... You will burp... eener Ant Poison ---------- Little black ants scurry into the trap and die. eener & melvan Modem ----- Screeeekkk!! eeekkkkk!!! Scrrttchh Screeekkk! duct-taped to a speaker. eener Pop-tarts --------- Strawberry pop-tarts Breakfast food. My brother craved them for his very own... so he hid them in a speaker. true story. eenker (just felt like adding something to my name) Brain constipation ------------------ Help. I can't think of an idea for this poem... I try to think of topics to write about. I try to think of things that will be silly and nonsensical. But I have brain constipation. And... I hate it when I get Alanis songs stuck in my head.. Luckily I don't now... I wonder...should I write about Spam? Duct tape? Fish heads? Big green things? Superman's underwear? Lawn ornaments? I struggle for a topic... But nothing comes to mind... nothingness... nothingness... There is an electric staple gun box by my feet. I yawn and transmit myself to the top of the page. Whoops. I think I should end this here. wutg. melvan & eener Milk Van -------- the strange noise just reared its ugly head again... "My slip is still connected" melvan Nooo... ------- Don't you know anything?? Mac's slip is still connected. eener But... ------ The frog ball's legs grew back... then I pulled them off again accidentally. wutg. melvan Liar, liar, pants on fiar ------------------------- That was no accident. eener Untitled #39281 --------------- Was too. melvan :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).