Issue #40, 29 July 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #40
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener): re11@uwrf.edu
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): melvan@pressenter.com

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is the issue we were supposed to send last week, but misplaced.  I
FOUND IT!!  HAHAHA!!!  You thought you were safe, didn't you?  HA!

FME turns the big 4-0 this week!!  40 issues!!!  Woohoo!!  I (melvan), in
all honesty, didn't think we'd last this long with it...yet another proof
that I don't know it all....

####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, the characters were shocked by the confession of
Buffy...she was secretly in love with Howard, whom, as we discovered, had
done prison time for impersonating Barney, and I'm adding on to this
sentence, just to make it a very long run-on sentence...

The scene:  a small antiques store in Iowa (because the special f-x budget
is low, and we've used this scene before...)

Buffy:  *sobbing*  Howard, Howard....I don't care that you are an
ex-con...I love you!  I want to marry you!!
I.M.:  But you left me at the altar when you found out I'm named after
the metric system...why him????

*NOTE FOR NEW SUBSCRIBERS:  I.M. stands for "In Metric"....*

Arnold Schwarzenegger:  How frustrating...why do I keep popping up here?
(Raul shoots Arnold with disappearing fluid, and Arnold fades into
nothingness)
Esmerelda:  Hey!!!!  I have an idea!!!  Let's go to Disneyworld!
Special FX guy:  Sorry...we can't afford to send you all there.
(Arnold begins to glimmer back into existence)
I.M.:  I still love you Buffy...you can't marry Howard!!!
Buffy:  Hmmm...maybe I should forget you all and go after Arnold!!
Arnold:  Um...I'm already married, actually...
Al:  What about my presidential campaign?
Raul:  This is so weird!  I feel like all these plots, present and past,
are colliding!!  Plot collision extroadinaire!!
I.M.:  Whatever, whatever.
Esmerelda:  I have *such* a bad headache!!
Narrator:  Use Nuprin!  Small, yellow, different.
Raul:  It's LITTLE, yellow, different.
I.M.:  Whatever, whatever.
Howard:  I think I.M. likes that song...
Esmerelda:  Type the text of your message here.
Howard:  asdffdkja;jkla;jkldfasjafdsjkffdasjjkdfdadfsfdfdsfjkj;kjk;;afdsj
Esmerelda:  WOW...where did you learn Swahili, Howard??
Buffy:  Awwww...what a talented guy..I *must* snatch him up before
someone else realizes how wonderful he is, and steals him out from under
my nose!!!
Esmerelda:  Ewwwww...you keep him *under* your *NOSE????*
I.M.:  That's DISGUSTING
Raul:  Whatever, whatever.
I.M.:  Hey, that's my line!!!
Buffy:  When you just spoke that weird language...what were you saying
Howard?
Howard:  I'll tell you next week.
Buffy:  I want to know NOW!!!
Howard:  I'll tell you next week!!!!!!
Esmerelda:  Yes...he was saying, that he'll tell you next week!!
Buffy:  *frowning*  I wanna know what he said!!!
Howard:  I'd rather not say in front of everyone else...
Buffy:  (suddenly realizes) Ohhhhhhh......you'll tell me next week...
alone?
Raul:  Somehow...this reminds me of Sesame street...remember that time
when one person was learning Spanish...and he learned how to say "no," and
the other character wanted to learn how to say "no" and the guy says..
"no," and the girl keeps asking, how to say "NO???!!"
Buffy:  Er...no...all I remember from Sesame street is how they always
taught us how to say "water" in Spanish...
All the characters:  AGUA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Narrator:  This episode of "As the Tractor Burns" has been sponsored by
the letter P, the letter X, and the number 309846123897461293876423198674.

Join us next week...when everyone drowns in a can of Mountain
Dew...OOOPs!!!  We gave away the ending!!

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email melvan@pressenter.com with your questions

Dear Wise Sage

Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

From, Frobean

Dear Frobean,

The people who made up the terms for these objects had obviously been
sniffing kool-aid dust when they labeled them.  Most likely, it involved
several people together, in a strange mood, who decided to call the strip of
road where we park a "driveway" and where we drive a "parkway."  These people
were bored and wanted to do something to make the human race wonder.  These
were most likely the same people who invented the "Syntax Error" in the
computer.

Wise Sage

*************************
Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
*************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com

hey, I found this on one of the mailing lists I subscribe to, reminded me
of some of your back issues.

From the Personals:
-------------------

SBF Seeks Male companionship. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips.  Cosy winter nights
spent lying by the fire.  Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of
your hand.  Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work.  Kiss me and I'm
yours.  I'm a svelt good looking girl who loves to play.  Call 565-2121
and ask for Daisy I'm an eight week old black labrador retriever.

Patty


------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Well, now that you all know what 'wutg' is all about...we at FME are proud
to present

THE OFFICIAL WUTG PAGE!!

Yes, that's right!  Last Saturday night when melvan had nothing better to
do, she searched the web for pages that said wutg...and found plenty of
them!  So all the pages that have that particular typo on them will be
linked on this page - as soon as mel gets around to writing it up....

And now, of course, the official radio station of FME will be WUTG....if
there is such a station....and if there is, and you know about it, you'll
tell us, right?

Oh!  I suppose you're waiting for the URL, right?  OK...
http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/wutg.htm


----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------


Plague
------

Hic.
Hic.
Hic.
Hic.
Hic.
Hic.

melvan


Erp
---

If you chug a can of pop
cold as a snake in July....
You will burp...

eener


Ant Poison
----------

Little black ants
scurry into the trap
and die.

eener & melvan


Modem
-----

Screeeekkk!!
eeekkkkk!!!
Scrrttchh
Screeekkk!
duct-taped
to
a
speaker.

eener






Pop-tarts
---------

Strawberry
pop-tarts
Breakfast food.
My brother
craved
them
for his very own...
so he hid them
in a
speaker.
true story.

eenker (just felt like adding something to my name)

Brain constipation
------------------

Help.
I can't think of an idea for this poem...
I try to think of topics to
write
about.
I try to think of things that will be
silly
and
nonsensical.
But I have brain constipation.
And...
I hate it when I get Alanis songs stuck in my head..
Luckily I don't
now...
I wonder...should I write about Spam?
Duct tape?
Fish heads?
Big green things?
Superman's underwear?
Lawn ornaments?
I struggle for a topic...
But nothing comes to mind...
nothingness...
nothingness...
There is an
electric
staple gun box
by my
feet.
I yawn and transmit
myself
to the top of the page.
Whoops.
I think I should end this
here.
wutg.

melvan & eener

Milk Van
--------

the strange noise
just reared its
ugly
head
again...
"My slip is still connected"

melvan

Nooo...
-------

Don't
you
know
anything??
Mac's slip is still connected.

eener

But...
------

The
frog
ball's
legs
grew
back...
then I
pulled them off
again
accidentally.
wutg.

melvan

Liar, liar, pants on fiar
-------------------------

That
was
no
accident.

eener

Untitled #39281
---------------

Was
too.

melvan

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

Come visit the Macheen Shed:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except
for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel free to
distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any
way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to
punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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