Issue #4, 6 November 1995

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #4
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper
Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

How-deee!  Happy November!  You may or may not be aware of this, but November
is International Drum Month.  So go beat on something--after you finish
reading this magazine.  Boom!  Boom!  Boom!  Our friend the Energizer Bunny
lives on....

IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN:

It snowed here today in Wisconsin.

WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING, "THE CAT THAT JUMPED
OFF A ROOF AND LANDED ON ITS FEET BUT WAS IMMEDIATELY CHASED UP A TREE BY A
DOG AND GOT SCARED AND FELL OUT OF THE TREE AND LANDED ON ITS FEET AGAIN ON
TOP OF THE DOG AND SCARED THE DOG SO MUCH THAT IT RAN AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD
HOWLING AND MADE THE CAT SO SCARED THAT IT DUG ITS CLAWS DEEPER INTO THE DOG
AND THEY BOTH DIED.  THE END."

*********

Okay, it's November 5 and we haven't gotten ANY replies to our poem contest.
The deadline was two days ago.  Soooo....  The first person to send in an
entry gets it in the magazine next week.  If nobody sends one in, then we'll
have to write our own ending.

*********

We are proud to announce that we are now sending Farm Macheenery (exploding)
to 31 people!!!  Ooh, big number!  You can help us increase this number.
Tell everyone you know about FME.  Force them to subscribe.

*********

And now for a quiz...

This is a quiz to tell whether or not you are illiterate.  I know
this is an important issue with many of you happy folks, who
are wandering around, hopelessly lost in cyberspace:-)  This
quiz consists of one, and only one simple question.

THE QUESTION:
Snij Haddle Fwat kbibble tooz whit?

Possible answers:
a. no
b. yes
c. it could only happen if the statue of liberty were
attacked by nuns chewing gum, and sticking wads of it
all over the statue

HOW TO INTERPRET THIS QUIZ:
If you answered either a,b or c, you are not illiterate. Now get
on with reading the rest of this magazine, for pete's sake!!!!

***********

Impoooortant note to all who read the last issue:
In the part where I (XX) am musing about a great many important
and interesting things, such as long distance calling plans and
snakes living in toilets, a couple of those ideas were
originally written by Mr. Dave Barry, a very funny humor
columnist. (such as the snakes in toilets, and being taxed for
dots over your name).  Sorry for not mentioning that last time!!
BTW, if you want a few good laughs, check out anything written
by Dave Barry.  He's got several good books out there.

************

THE SECTION WHERE OTHER PEOPLE WRITE

************

Us two writers were hanging out at DP's house last night, chatting with
her brother Marvin the Magnificent (not his real name).
He came up with this real cool idea for baking a birthday
cake, so here it is.  I hope you enjoy it:-)
The basic idea of it all is to have a regular ole birthday
cake with a firecracker in the middle of the inside of the cake.
On top of the cake you would have "dummy" candles, that
weren't really candles, 'cause their wicks would hook up to
the firecracker in the middle of the cake.
So when the candles were all lit, and everyone's singing...
"Happy Birthday to you!  Happy Birthday to you!  Happy
Birthday dear..."  (BOOM!!!!)
Hahahahahaha!

Well, remember, if you want to contribute to this section of
our magazine next time, email melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu or
renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu with your odd stories, thoughts, or
whatever!

*********

Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash

No, no, no, actually it's a new product feature.  Sorry, I'm a little more
scatterbrained today than usual.

A new product manufactured by Bland Incorporated.  It is called "The Most
Boring" cereal.  It consists of extremely healthy grains, sands, herbs, etc.
Guaranteed to make you extremely regular.  Forget Metamucil.  Buy "The Most
Boring" cereal.  Thank you for your time.

*********

Ways to tell if you're losing your mind (as if you haven't already lost it)

1.  You lose arguments with yourself.
2.  You eat green toast.
3.  You bow down to antennas.
4.  You alphabetize your socks according to color.

*********

ATTENTION:  Be on the lookout for a *possible* new email address for Farm
Macheenery (exploding).  We may be sending it from a different address in the
future, but we're not totally sure on that yet.

Also, we would like anyone who sends us material to make up a name for
themselves, so that your initials are MM.  We currently have three people
with MM names:  Marvin the Magnificent (DP's brother), Mel the Marbleless
(DP), and Motor Mangler (XX).

*********

And now, finally, the Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash.

"Pepperoni and Sausage"

My tennis shoes
Are an environmental threat
crustless little triangles
hop on the piano keys
performing "Chopsticks"
the end of the world
is coming
while teethless hockey players
attack skaters.
Goodbye.

XX

---

"Disaster Area"

Tick tock
tick tock
tick tock
tick tock

XX

---

"Hornkleberry Finn"

Snort.  Snort.
Herbert, a pug-nosed warthog,
watches the fish
swimming in the auditorium.
Swim, swim, swim.
Then
Thud!  The table of contents
Kills Herbert.

XX & DP

---

"Junk"

Junk.
I stare as I walk.
I trip
and fall on the floor.
The junk has broken my fall,
but I still cannot get up.

DP

---

"Home"

Home.
A place to
hang your hat
or your purse
or your stuff
or write poems
and drown
the useless ones
in the toilet.
Home.

DP

---

"Billow"

Defeated.
Lawn ornaments
Are defeated.
Nothing can
Stop it.
Don't try.
It's useless.
The billowing billows
Billow in the billowing billows.
I sleep on my pillow.
My pillow
Is punctured.
Defeated lawn ornaments.
They die soon.

DP

*Disclaimer:  DP was half asleep when she wrote this poem and never thought
it was funny, but XX did thought it was funny, thereby making it necessary to
include it in one of our issues of FME.

*********

Sorry to disappoint you, but we have no Wise Sage column for this week.  Why?
Because none of you subscribers have sent in any questions for the Wise Sage
to answer.  And yes, we're trying to lay a guilt trip on you.  So send your
questions to melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu with the subject line "Wise Sage",
or at least include the words "wise sage" somewhere in the email message.

*********

Stay tuned for next week's issue, which may or may not include a discussion
between the two editors of the magazine.  It also may or may not have the
letter "e" in it, or contain explicit details about Spam, or tell the truth
about what they actually put in hot dogs.

*********

This ezine (or whatever else you want to call it) was created by the geniuses
(okay, so maybe we're *not* geniuses) named Dr. Pepper and Xavier Xerxes (not
our real names).  If you wanna subscribe, send mail to
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu with any subject line you like.

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