FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #4 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ How-deee! Happy November! You may or may not be aware of this, but November is International Drum Month. So go beat on something--after you finish reading this magazine. Boom! Boom! Boom! Our friend the Energizer Bunny lives on.... IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN: It snowed here today in Wisconsin. WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING, "THE CAT THAT JUMPED OFF A ROOF AND LANDED ON ITS FEET BUT WAS IMMEDIATELY CHASED UP A TREE BY A DOG AND GOT SCARED AND FELL OUT OF THE TREE AND LANDED ON ITS FEET AGAIN ON TOP OF THE DOG AND SCARED THE DOG SO MUCH THAT IT RAN AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD HOWLING AND MADE THE CAT SO SCARED THAT IT DUG ITS CLAWS DEEPER INTO THE DOG AND THEY BOTH DIED. THE END." ********* Okay, it's November 5 and we haven't gotten ANY replies to our poem contest. The deadline was two days ago. Soooo.... The first person to send in an entry gets it in the magazine next week. If nobody sends one in, then we'll have to write our own ending. ********* We are proud to announce that we are now sending Farm Macheenery (exploding) to 31 people!!! Ooh, big number! You can help us increase this number. Tell everyone you know about FME. Force them to subscribe. ********* And now for a quiz... This is a quiz to tell whether or not you are illiterate. I know this is an important issue with many of you happy folks, who are wandering around, hopelessly lost in cyberspace:-) This quiz consists of one, and only one simple question. THE QUESTION: Snij Haddle Fwat kbibble tooz whit? Possible answers: a. no b. yes c. it could only happen if the statue of liberty were attacked by nuns chewing gum, and sticking wads of it all over the statue HOW TO INTERPRET THIS QUIZ: If you answered either a,b or c, you are not illiterate. Now get on with reading the rest of this magazine, for pete's sake!!!! *********** Impoooortant note to all who read the last issue: In the part where I (XX) am musing about a great many important and interesting things, such as long distance calling plans and snakes living in toilets, a couple of those ideas were originally written by Mr. Dave Barry, a very funny humor columnist. (such as the snakes in toilets, and being taxed for dots over your name). Sorry for not mentioning that last time!! BTW, if you want a few good laughs, check out anything written by Dave Barry. He's got several good books out there. ************ THE SECTION WHERE OTHER PEOPLE WRITE ************ Us two writers were hanging out at DP's house last night, chatting with her brother Marvin the Magnificent (not his real name). He came up with this real cool idea for baking a birthday cake, so here it is. I hope you enjoy it:-) The basic idea of it all is to have a regular ole birthday cake with a firecracker in the middle of the inside of the cake. On top of the cake you would have "dummy" candles, that weren't really candles, 'cause their wicks would hook up to the firecracker in the middle of the cake. So when the candles were all lit, and everyone's singing... "Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear..." (BOOM!!!!) Hahahahahaha! Well, remember, if you want to contribute to this section of our magazine next time, email email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org with your odd stories, thoughts, or whatever! ********* Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash No, no, no, actually it's a new product feature. Sorry, I'm a little more scatterbrained today than usual. A new product manufactured by Bland Incorporated. It is called "The Most Boring" cereal. It consists of extremely healthy grains, sands, herbs, etc. Guaranteed to make you extremely regular. Forget Metamucil. Buy "The Most Boring" cereal. Thank you for your time. ********* Ways to tell if you're losing your mind (as if you haven't already lost it) 1. You lose arguments with yourself. 2. You eat green toast. 3. You bow down to antennas. 4. You alphabetize your socks according to color. ********* ATTENTION: Be on the lookout for a *possible* new email address for Farm Macheenery (exploding). We may be sending it from a different address in the future, but we're not totally sure on that yet. Also, we would like anyone who sends us material to make up a name for themselves, so that your initials are MM. We currently have three people with MM names: Marvin the Magnificent (DP's brother), Mel the Marbleless (DP), and Motor Mangler (XX). ********* And now, finally, the Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash. "Pepperoni and Sausage" My tennis shoes Are an environmental threat crustless little triangles hop on the piano keys performing "Chopsticks" the end of the world is coming while teethless hockey players attack skaters. Goodbye. XX --- "Disaster Area" Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock XX --- "Hornkleberry Finn" Snort. Snort. Herbert, a pug-nosed warthog, watches the fish swimming in the auditorium. Swim, swim, swim. Then Thud! The table of contents Kills Herbert. XX & DP --- "Junk" Junk. I stare as I walk. I trip and fall on the floor. The junk has broken my fall, but I still cannot get up. DP --- "Home" Home. A place to hang your hat or your purse or your stuff or write poems and drown the useless ones in the toilet. Home. DP --- "Billow" Defeated. Lawn ornaments Are defeated. Nothing can Stop it. Don't try. It's useless. The billowing billows Billow in the billowing billows. I sleep on my pillow. My pillow Is punctured. Defeated lawn ornaments. They die soon. DP *Disclaimer: DP was half asleep when she wrote this poem and never thought it was funny, but XX did thought it was funny, thereby making it necessary to include it in one of our issues of FME. ********* Sorry to disappoint you, but we have no Wise Sage column for this week. Why? Because none of you subscribers have sent in any questions for the Wise Sage to answer. And yes, we're trying to lay a guilt trip on you. So send your questions to email@example.com with the subject line "Wise Sage", or at least include the words "wise sage" somewhere in the email message. ********* Stay tuned for next week's issue, which may or may not include a discussion between the two editors of the magazine. It also may or may not have the letter "e" in it, or contain explicit details about Spam, or tell the truth about what they actually put in hot dogs. ********* This ezine (or whatever else you want to call it) was created by the geniuses (okay, so maybe we're *not* geniuses) named Dr. Pepper and Xavier Xerxes (not our real names). If you wanna subscribe, send mail to firstname.lastname@example.org with any subject line you like.