Issue #39, 22 July 1996

Stoopid         M       M       Issue....
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #39
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

This issue may be if you problems...

Hoooo boy...We had a really great issue written up for this week, but we
seem to have misplaced part of it (like, 90 percent of it).  Not to
mention the fact that Elkvis put Win95 on his computer & now we can't do
anything useful with it....  So we're starting over.

This is what happened the last time I (melvan) took eener to the airport.'s the duct tape story as I originally typed it...I *thought*
I had emailed it to Darin to give it to you, but I never heard back from
him, so maybe it got lost or something...

Could you pass this story on to somebody by the name of eener?  Pleeez?
I'll show you my deodorant container collection!!


"What Happened After We Dropped You Off (a cliff!!)"

by melvan :) ya know that the car was overheating all the way up there.  It
kept overheating, so I kept turning on the heater, which helped for a
while, then I'd shut it off again & the temp would go right back up
again... (we really shoulda taken your car...)  So we got all the way back
to Woodbury & Best Buy (took a wrong turn...remember when you said not to
go on Hwy 5?  Guess what...I did...DUH!!! :) )  Anyway...the car was
*still* doing that rollercoaster temperature gauge thing, so when we got
to Best Buy (sheesh...  I typed "Best Guy" first...hehehe) I popped the
hood & we looked at the water level...which had dropped considerably since
we left home...then I noticed that the radiator hose had a BIG LEAK in
it!!  So I asked Andy if DUCT TAPE would work on that...he said "yeah,
DUCT TAPE would probably work on that"...  soooo...we put some more water
in it & I turned the heater on again to let the engine get cooled down
before I shut it off...then we went into Best BUY to look at stuff...Andy
got a new joystick for his computer...then we went over to Target...Andy
filled up the milk jug, I went & bought DUCT TAPE...  then we went out &
filled up the reservoir AGAIN (which had drained A LOT for just going 3
blocks)...and DUCT TAPED the leak in the hose.  Then we went over to
Barnes & Noble, where I bought the "Real stories of DUCT TAPE"  book...and
then we went over to Northwestern Bookstore (I got the NTTCBT video)...the
car did fine the rest of the way home...thanks to DUCT TAPE!!!!!

And now for...
the constellations according to FME!

Have you ever looked at the sky and wondered how on earth they named the
constellations because they don't look AT ALL like their names...except
for the big dipper, which is the only constellation we know anyways....

Here are some constellations according to us:

1.  Ducttaped poodle majoris and ducttaped poodle minoris:  These two
constellations are visible in the northern sky...three stars constitute
each of these obscure constellations.  They occasionally drink out of the
big dipper, which they mistake for a toilet.

2.  Big Dip Head:  This constellation is part of the Snickers galaxy, and
is only visible to people wearing "Beavis and Butthead" T-shirts

3.  Cat hornking a hairball:  Yes indeed...this lovely constellation is
visible just below the ducttaped poodle minoris.  The tail of the cat is
made up of Halley's comment. (Yes, Halley made a comment, it's just not as
well known as his comet.)

4.  Exploding tractor:  This fabulous constellation is just a mass of
unrelated stars, spread out all over the entire sky.


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

We had a great episode written for this week, and now since we temporarily
lost it in's this week's episode.  This week's priorly
written episode will (hopefully) come next week!

Scene:  A large tar pit

All:  Help!  We're falling into a tar pit!

The end.

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

How did these stupid writers manage to lose issue number 39?

Signed, tarpitbrain

Dear tarpitbrain,

Uh oh...I can't answer your question, because I just lost it.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

What does WUTG mean??

luthien, Haxiem, bourgeois, mred, and ALMOST everyone else we know on

Dear people,

WUTG=Writers Use Tape Gratuitously

actually...'tis just a typo we left in here because we knew you all would
wonder about it.

Wise Sage(s)


"What We Found Under Renee's Bed"

First of all, we would like to point out that eener is going to be moving
to Atlanta very soon (like, in the next 2 weeks)!!!  Soooo...that means
FME is going to be no more.  JUST KIDDING!!!!!  We will continue to write
this for as long as we possibly can...but it *will* be going through some
changes, only if we told you what they were, we'd have to kill you.
Actually, the truth is, we don't know exactly what kind of problems we may
run into while trying to write the magazine with the two of us in two
different time zones.  But we can guarantee you that they will be

So this Sunday afternoon, I (melvan) was over at eener's house, helping
her pack up her stuff.  She told me to look & see what was under the bed
so we could get all that stuff sorted/packed/thrown away.  And this is
what I found.  This is a TRUE STORY!!!  As soon as I saw Item #1 under the
bed, I *knew* I had to make a list!  I was literally ROTFL (I was already
on the floor actually...looking under the bed...)

 1.  An unopened can of Cream of Potato soup, with a November 1996
     expiration date on it
 2.  A book called "They Shoot Canoes, Don't They?" by Patrick McManus
 3.  A baseball-type cap so covered in dustballs that we couldn't tell
     what it said
 4.  A ripped suitcase
 5.  A brand new stocking cap
 6.  Renee's senior party ticket from 2 years ago
 7.  Some admission stuff from Northwestern College in St. Paul, MN
 8.  Photo mailers
 9.  1 box of check carbon copies
10.  A book called "The Bluebird and the Sparrow" by Janette Oke (btw,
     she's a good author...if you ever see any of her books around & you
     like prairie romance type novels, read one of them!)
11.  A blue notebook
12.  A puzzle
13.  A 16-month optical illusion calendar from 1995
14.  A bag of buttons & pins
15.  A hammer (which I used to drag out other stuff that I couldn't
16.  A 1995 Far Side calendar
17.  A flowered suitcase
18.  A small, plastic hourglass
19.  MORE photo mailers

On the other side of the page...

20.  An empty Christmas Coca-Cola can
21.  An Owls at the Movies poster
22.  An 8th grade American History textbook that she never returned
23.  A box of keepsakes--pictures, diploma (yeah, she *did* actually get
     one!!), etc.
24.  A toy mouse
25.  An Easter basket with Easter grass & VERY old jellybeans
26.  A bent Slinky
27.  A bandana covered in dustballs
28.  A broken Fisher Price blood pressure thing (sphygmomanometer, if you
     wanna be technical...)
29.  A lunch menu from high school
30.  The other half of the Easter basket
31.  An empty Dr. Pepper can (only one, believe it or not!!)
32.  Santa socks
33.  Another flowered suitcase
34.  STILL more photo mailers
35.  A Pac-Man Atari game
36.  A container of Flea & Tick spray for cats (without a cover)

And you thought I was weird for having an Energizer Bunny flashlight....

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

The fruit bats died of malaria.


The news is this:
someone, somewhere in the world, died.
someone, somewhere in the world, was born.
someone, somewhere in the world, is wearing
A Dr. Seuss hat.
someone, somewhere in the world, is picking
their nose.
someone, somewhere in the world, is clipping
their toenails.
someone, somewhere in the world, is listening
to a band named "Believable Picnic."
someone, somewhere in the world, is saying WUTG
and everyone else in the world is wondering
what the heck it means...

Dumb Poery in a
Card ype rash

the t



Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed
in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in
regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).