Stoopid M M Issue.... F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #39 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ This issue may be late...as if you cared....computer problems... Hoooo boy...We had a really great issue written up for this week, but we seem to have misplaced part of it (like, 90 percent of it). Not to mention the fact that Elkvis put Win95 on his computer & now we can't do anything useful with it.... So we're starting over. This is what happened the last time I (melvan) took eener to the airport. Hello...here's the duct tape story as I originally typed it...I *thought* I had emailed it to Darin to give it to you, but I never heard back from him, so maybe it got lost or something... Could you pass this story on to somebody by the name of eener? Pleeez? I'll show you my deodorant container collection!! BEGIN STORY HERE "What Happened After We Dropped You Off (a cliff!!)" by melvan :) OK...so ya know that the car was overheating all the way up there. It kept overheating, so I kept turning on the heater, which helped for a while, then I'd shut it off again & the temp would go right back up again... (we really shoulda taken your car...) So we got all the way back to Woodbury & Best Buy (took a wrong turn...remember when you said not to go on Hwy 5? Guess what...I did...DUH!!! :) ) Anyway...the car was *still* doing that rollercoaster temperature gauge thing, so when we got to Best Buy (sheesh... I typed "Best Guy" first...hehehe) I popped the hood & we looked at the water level...which had dropped considerably since we left home...then I noticed that the radiator hose had a BIG LEAK in it!! So I asked Andy if DUCT TAPE would work on that...he said "yeah, DUCT TAPE would probably work on that"... soooo...we put some more water in it & I turned the heater on again to let the engine get cooled down before I shut it off...then we went into Best BUY to look at stuff...Andy got a new joystick for his computer...then we went over to Target...Andy filled up the milk jug, I went & bought DUCT TAPE... then we went out & filled up the reservoir AGAIN (which had drained A LOT for just going 3 blocks)...and DUCT TAPED the leak in the hose. Then we went over to Barnes & Noble, where I bought the "Real stories of DUCT TAPE" book...and then we went over to Northwestern Bookstore (I got the NTTCBT video)...the car did fine the rest of the way home...thanks to DUCT TAPE!!!!! And now for... the constellations according to FME! Have you ever looked at the sky and wondered how on earth they named the constellations because they don't look AT ALL like their names...except for the big dipper, which is the only constellation we know anyways.... Here are some constellations according to us: 1. Ducttaped poodle majoris and ducttaped poodle minoris: These two constellations are visible in the northern sky...three stars constitute each of these obscure constellations. They occasionally drink out of the big dipper, which they mistake for a toilet. 2. Big Dip Head: This constellation is part of the Snickers galaxy, and is only visible to people wearing "Beavis and Butthead" T-shirts 3. Cat hornking a hairball: Yes indeed...this lovely constellation is visible just below the ducttaped poodle minoris. The tail of the cat is made up of Halley's comment. (Yes, Halley made a comment, it's just not as well known as his comet.) 4. Exploding tractor: This fabulous constellation is just a mass of unrelated stars, spread out all over the entire sky. #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di We had a great episode written for this week, and now since we temporarily lost it in cyberspace...here's this week's episode. This week's priorly written episode will (hopefully) come next week! Scene: A large tar pit All: Help! We're falling into a tar pit! The end. *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions Dear Wise Sage, How did these stupid writers manage to lose issue number 39? Signed, tarpitbrain Dear tarpitbrain, Uh oh...I can't answer your question, because I just lost it. Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage, What does WUTG mean?? luthien, Haxiem, bourgeois, mred, and ALMOST everyone else we know on irc... Dear people, WUTG=Writers Use Tape Gratuitously actually...'tis just a typo we left in here because we knew you all would wonder about it. Wise Sage(s) AND NOW...THE WRITERS OF FARM MACHEENERY (EXPLODING) MAGAZINE BRING TO YOU... "What We Found Under Renee's Bed" First of all, we would like to point out that eener is going to be moving to Atlanta very soon (like, in the next 2 weeks)!!! Soooo...that means FME is going to be no more. JUST KIDDING!!!!! We will continue to write this for as long as we possibly can...but it *will* be going through some changes, only if we told you what they were, we'd have to kill you. Actually, the truth is, we don't know exactly what kind of problems we may run into while trying to write the magazine with the two of us in two different time zones. But we can guarantee you that they will be interesting.... So this Sunday afternoon, I (melvan) was over at eener's house, helping her pack up her stuff. She told me to look & see what was under the bed so we could get all that stuff sorted/packed/thrown away. And this is what I found. This is a TRUE STORY!!! As soon as I saw Item #1 under the bed, I *knew* I had to make a list! I was literally ROTFL (I was already on the floor actually...looking under the bed...) 1. An unopened can of Cream of Potato soup, with a November 1996 expiration date on it 2. A book called "They Shoot Canoes, Don't They?" by Patrick McManus 3. A baseball-type cap so covered in dustballs that we couldn't tell what it said 4. A ripped suitcase 5. A brand new stocking cap 6. Renee's senior party ticket from 2 years ago 7. Some admission stuff from Northwestern College in St. Paul, MN 8. Photo mailers 9. 1 box of check carbon copies 10. A book called "The Bluebird and the Sparrow" by Janette Oke (btw, she's a good author...if you ever see any of her books around & you like prairie romance type novels, read one of them!) 11. A blue notebook 12. A puzzle 13. A 16-month optical illusion calendar from 1995 14. A bag of buttons & pins 15. A hammer (which I used to drag out other stuff that I couldn't reach) 16. A 1995 Far Side calendar 17. A flowered suitcase 18. A small, plastic hourglass 19. MORE photo mailers On the other side of the page... 20. An empty Christmas Coca-Cola can 21. An Owls at the Movies poster 22. An 8th grade American History textbook that she never returned 23. A box of keepsakes--pictures, diploma (yeah, she *did* actually get one!!), etc. 24. A toy mouse 25. An Easter basket with Easter grass & VERY old jellybeans 26. A bent Slinky 27. A bandana covered in dustballs 28. A broken Fisher Price blood pressure thing (sphygmomanometer, if you wanna be technical...) 29. A lunch menu from high school 30. The other half of the Easter basket 31. An empty Dr. Pepper can (only one, believe it or not!!) 32. Santa socks 33. Another flowered suitcase 34. STILL more photo mailers 35. A Pac-Man Atari game 36. A container of Flea & Tick spray for cats (without a cover) And you thought I was weird for having an Energizer Bunny flashlight.... ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com The fruit bats died of malaria. ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ The news is this: someone, somewhere in the world, died. someone, somewhere in the world, was born. someone, somewhere in the world, is wearing A Dr. Seuss hat. someone, somewhere in the world, is picking their nose. someone, somewhere in the world, is clipping their toenails. someone, somewhere in the world, is listening to a band named "Believable Picnic." someone, somewhere in the world, is saying WUTG and everyone else in the world is wondering what the heck it means... ---------------- Dumb Poery in a Card ype rash ---------------- Help we lost the t eener :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).