Issue #38, 8 July 1996

Fourth          M       M       Demention
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #38
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

"I try to think, but nothing happens!" ---the 3 stooges

We are doing this issue ahead of time (hears audience gasp)...  because we
are going to be unavoidably detained in the next couple of
weeks...Specifically, we will be duct taped to poles for the next two

ACTUALLY...eener is going to California...and then next week we're both
going to Sonshine, a Christian music festival in Minnesota.
AND...*drumroll*...we MAY see the Twine Ball!!!  You know....the biggest
ball of twine in Minnesota!  It's near where Sonshine is...  And, ya know
what else?  Dr. Pepper doesn't taste all that much different after you've
brushed your teeth...just for your general information- thank you for your
kind attention.

Byyyyy the way, if you happen to be anywhere near Shakopee, Minnesota, I
(eener), highly recommend that you stop by Valleyfair, the amusement park
there.  New this year is Wild Thing, a completely awesome ride.  The first
drop is 200 feet at seventy miles an hour...  what a trip.  It's even
better than sniffing kool-aid dust!  Wild thing...I think I love you.

And now for.....

Okayyy...herez the deal.  We've decided that our demented publication
should have a motto.  We, the writers have come up with a few
alternatives, and we would love for you all to vote for the best one.  We
will then tally up the votes, and use them for our lucky lotto numbers.
Haha...just kidding!!!  We will use them to select which motto we will

You may vote by email, or there is a spot on the web page to vote

1.  "If laughter is the best medicine, we must be on drugs"
2.  "CAUTION:  You are now entering the fourth demention.  Anything you
say, can and will be laughed at."

3.  "Farm Macheenery (Exploding)'s like three women cooking in the
dark." (thanx to eener's brother)
4.  "We're a 10 on the Barbie Bedwetting Scale."
5.  "The ONLY internet e-zine that tastes like chicken."
6.  "wutg."
7.  "I don't care if I just brushed my teeth, golldurn it...I'm still
gonna eat this chocolate chip cookie."
8.  "We are nuts, but we can't be walnuts, because we are off the wall."
9.  "Help!!!!!  My brain is on fire!!!"
10. "The ONLY official e-zine of STHQ, DTUA, FBI, CIA, IRS, IRC, WUTG,
FCC, FTP, HTTP, BBC, NAACP, AFL-CIO, NRA, and Depends Undergarments."

Okay!  Please vote for just one, or we will simply count the first one you
list.  We will let you know, in the next couple of weeks, which motto
out-mottoed the others.  The deadline on voting is July 14th.


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week, we found the characters at a Steve Taylor concert...

The scene:  after the Steve Taylor concert...the characters and the rest
of the crowd are slowly filing out of the concert area.

Esmerelda:  *wipes the sweat from her forehead*  Whew!  I am tired now...I
think I am going to go home and sleep...sayyyyy, where do I live?
Al:  NOOOO!!!!!  She said the 'T' word!!
I.M.:  What...'to'?
Al:  No, you moron!!  'tired'.  Oh no!!!!!  Now I said it!!
(Al washes his mouth out with soap)
Buffy:  Everyone...I have something to confess.  I am in love with Howard!
I have kept it inside so long...I *had* to tell!!
Howard:  *looking around*  Hey, did I miss something?
Al:  Say, wait a minute, Buffy!  Didn't you know that Howard has a prison
record for that...incident?
Howard:  SHUT UP!!  Don't talk about that....incident.
Arnold Schwarzenegger:  I told you I'd be back.
Al:  Shoves Arnold out of the picture...get outta here, we are in the
middle of an important scene!
(Arnold falls off the edge of the frame)
Esmerelda:  *in a threatening manner*  I know what happened to Howard...
and I'm gonna tell Buffy!!  Hear that?  I'm gonna tell her!!  Because....
*singing* I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all
(Buffy raises her eyebrow)
I.M.:  Ummm....ok?!
Esmerelda:  Howard committed a felony, by impersonating Barney!!!!
(Howard hangs his head in shame)
Howard:  There's not much *I* can do, is there?  If these writers wanted
me to dress in a bikini and rob the local bank, while singing "I've got
one hand in my pocket...because I'm holding a gun...but I have no pockets,
because I'm wearing this !@#*&^$*&$ bikini" There ain't a thing I can do
to prevent it!!!

Join us next time...when we MAY ACTUALLY find out what happens next!!!

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

Did Adam have a belly button?

From, Frobean

Dear Frobean,

I don't know if he did, but I do.

Wise Sage, who thanks Swavek for the suggestion

Fruit Bats in your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

This conversation was stolen from the FBI by the CIA, from whom the tape
was in turn stolen by the intergalactic not-so-secret police. It has been
made open to the public, primarily in order to embarass certain
not-to-be-named (STRIPES AND TMD) individuals. The FBI agent recording
this conversation now has a permanent case of stretched toes from hanging
upside-down in a tree, outside a french cafe. Stripes and The Magic Dragon
sat in this tree, passing comments and other things about people in the

Dragon : Who are you?
Stripes : Me? I'm a perfectly harmless racoon who got attacked by a dye
	maker with screwed colour co-ords.
Dragon : Oh? To me you look like a racoon with blue and yellow stripes,
	and pink spots!  But I have a hangover, so don't trust my
	judgement on the pink spots.
Stripes : Don't worry I don't, I've just met you, but I already know I'm
	not going to like you!
Dragon : I swear this is some kind of universal conspiricy. First NO-ONE
	trusts me, Its like they think I sunk Atlantis or something, and
	now NO-ONE likes me. Is this personal?
Stripes : No, not at all personal. I mean can you blame  people for not
	trusting you? And you  did sink Atlantis didn't you?

Dragon : NO, I did not. That was Numbers. I was just trying to get some
	candy out of that blasted vending machine. Numbers pressed the
	button. By the way, how did you find out about that. I thought
	the narrator shot himself before he told anyone.
Stripes : Yeah, well, you always blame somebody else, esspecially when
	they aren't there to defend themselves. Anyway, Atlantis is the
	topic for my PhD in Ancient Mythology. So just watch what you say,
	I know what you're talking about.
Dragon : Kewl, so how did you get here. I'm on my break. I'm the cook in
	the cafe.
Stripes  : Now I'm really glad I didn't come here to eat -
Dragon : No you idiot, I mean I am the OVEN. I breath my superheated
	flame breath over all the food that needs to be cooked. For some
	reason though, all the customers always complain that the food is
Stripes : Why am I not suprised?
Dragon : Wait .... Wait ... Its coming to me *put his fingers to his
	temples in a semi psychic style*... No ... lost it.  Oh, now I get
	it, you were being sarcastic.
Stripes : *Holds his hands up in the air in despair* No really?
Dragon : *pulls an acorn off the the tree and drops it*
Voice    : *from below* Hey waiter, whats this acorn doing in my coffee.
Dragon : Oops.
Stripes : Why does that sound so familiar.

(For those who are totally lost, suffer, or read last issue. ATLANTIS.-Ed.)

	You've just taken my sadistic idea for the day. I wanted to
	drop acorns, but Nooooo, you have to do it first. *Stripes points
	to a pile of acorns sitting next to him*
Dragon : Say do those tatse like mushrooms?
Stripes : No they taste like acorns.
Dragon : Right fine, but I'll try one anyway. *Dragon lifts Stripes up,
	and places him on another branch, then proceeds to systematically
	eat through Stripes' pile of acorns.
Stripes : *Stripes picks more acorns and throws them full force at
	Dragon's head.*
Dragon : *Starts swaying* Hey man, I've got to try more of these thi -
	OWWW. *Stripes' latest attempt hits dragon on a sore tooth.*
Stripes : Tee hee hee
Dragon : That was my sore tooth!
Stripes : *Laughs harder* You realy think I care, you ate my acorns.
Dragon : Yes, but you spiked them didn't you.
Stripes : Me? Spike them, with what?
Dragon : Food dye.
Stripes : *quotes from memory*  The surgeon general has warned that food
	dye can be dangerous to your health, especially when wielded by
	crazy dye makers with wierd taste in coulors. *unquote* And you
	fell for it, *maniacal laughter*
Dragon : But I feel fine, *Dragon throws up suddenly*
Voice : *from below* Waiter, I didn't order mushroom sauce.
Dragon : I feel sick!
Stripes :Not my problem.
Dragon : ...
Dragon : ...
Dragon : I still feel sick.
Voice : *from above* Argggggrgggg
*The FBI agent falls from the tree*
Voice :*from below* Hey what's with this tree anyway?
Stripes : Hey Dragon, do me a favour and throw up on the lady, and not
	just on her food.
Dragon : Never, I'm never helping you again!
Stripes : But why not, I never did anything to you.
Dragon : Noooo, only made me sick, gave me a headache, (oops sorry,
	headache wasn't part of the script), and made my sore tooth even
	... wait a minute, where is it?  Hey now I cant pay this month's
	rent you fool. I was relying on the tooth fairy for assistance.
	And now I've lost my tooth. But... I do feel better.
Voice : *from below* Hey waiter, there's a tooth in my soup.
Waiter : Shhh... not so loud, or everyone might want one.
Stripes : First, You wanted to eat the acorns, second, I was only
	defending myself -
Dragon : From what?
Stripes : ... and third, I think you should fetch your tooth!
Dragon : *looks down* But that's not my tooth, its all white and shiny. I
	bought the green version.
Stripes : I, the master of  dyes, can definetly say you were ripped off.
	That was a clever, well actually really obvious, fake attempt
	which could fool only an idiot into thinking those teeth were
	green. Besides the tooth fairy doesn't pay for green teeth.
Dragon : So who's been paying for them all this time?
Stripes : Well how many teeth have you lost?
Dragon : Errr.... only this one really!
Stripes : *exasperated* So how do you know you're going to get paid.
Dragon : Father Christmas told me.
Stripes : You know, for a dragon that's supposed to be magical, you realy
	are DUMB.
Dragon : What,... oh I'm sorry I wasn't listening. I was trying to use my
	ACME Incredible Magic Dragon Tail Extention Hook to get that
	tooth back. And now you interupted me. You know you're realy
	lousy company. And you critisize my spilling.. (spelling-Ed.)
Stripes : How can I critisize your spelling when you're talking to me?
Dragon : Blame Ed.
Stripes : Blame Who?
Dragon : Ed. Don't you know anything about cheaply produced attempts at
	comic relief?
*FBI agent stands up, shakes his head and says to the customers* :
FBI guy : Don't worry folks, FBI business. Everythings under control. Now
	please don't panic. As long as none of you know that there's a
	purple dragon, who want's to cause a hostage situation, and has a
	nuclear bomb strapped to his tail up in that tree ...
Dragon : I do? I mean I DO. ARGGGGG.
*A purple tail with an ACME Incredible Magic Dragon Tail Extention Hook
can be seen hanging from the tree*
*Half the crowd runs, the other half get out cellular phones and call the
papers, their friends, the police, and the local mental asylum, in that
Half of Crowd : ARGGGGGGG
FBI guy : Hey where you all running to?
*FBI guy attempts to walk, and trips over his stretched toes*
Stripes : Revenge, Revenge!
Dragon : Hey, who did put this nuclear bomb on my tail?
Stripes : *smiles*
FBI guy : *crawls slowly away, the sound fades on the recording*
Dragon : Stripes, don't you want to help me get this bomb off?
Dragon : STRIPES?
Dragon : Stripes?
Dragon : stripes?
*Screech of wheels*
FBI guy :  Oops, Note to self, red light means stop, NOT go.
FBI guy : Ouch!

Ok so we lied about passing comments, only acorns this time -Ed.

Stripes is an addition to our band of writers on this end of the
deppresion scale.

Hope you enjoy it etc.
Magic Dragon.


Same news as last week...


Oh!  There was a festival in Austin, Minnesota over the weekend called
"Spam Jam".  I know someone who went to it!  Unfortunately, I was working
and couldn't go.

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

The tower of Snapple

decided to build a tower of Snapple.
He collected bottles all his life.
Strawberry kiwi...Pink Lemonade...
all of the flavors in the rainbow.
He took the bottles one day,
and a roll of duct tape.
God spaketh saying...
thou shalt not build a tower of Snapple...
thou shalt not attempt to reach heaven
with thy tower.
The man disregarded these words...
and built the tower all the same...
He windeth the duct tape all around
the snapple bottles.
Around and around the bottles
he windeth the duct tape.
The tower got higher and higher...
and then he ran out of duct tape.
The end.

eener and melvan

Psychiatrist 2

"I am frustrated...I want to kill my sister"
"I hear you saying you are frustrated and want
to kill your sister..."
"Yes...I am crazy and insane."
"I hear you saying you are crazy and insane."
"I want to kill people and turn them into lampshades."
"I hear you saying you want to kill people and turn
them into lampshades."
"I am going to flip off your power switch."


New Talent

I balanced
an empty
Mountain Dew can


Newer talent

melvan typed
an empty
Mountain Dew can



Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed
in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in
regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).