Fourth M M Demention F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #38 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "I try to think, but nothing happens!" ---the 3 stooges We are doing this issue ahead of time (hears audience gasp)... because we are going to be unavoidably detained in the next couple of weeks...Specifically, we will be duct taped to poles for the next two weeks. ACTUALLY...eener is going to California...and then next week we're both going to Sonshine, a Christian music festival in Minnesota. AND...*drumroll*...we MAY see the Twine Ball!!! You know....the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota! It's near where Sonshine is... And, ya know what else? Dr. Pepper doesn't taste all that much different after you've brushed your teeth...just for your general information- thank you for your kind attention. Byyyyy the way, if you happen to be anywhere near Shakopee, Minnesota, I (eener), highly recommend that you stop by Valleyfair, the amusement park there. New this year is Wild Thing, a completely awesome ride. The first drop is 200 feet at seventy miles an hour... what a trip. It's even better than sniffing kool-aid dust! Wild thing...I think I love you. Haha! And now for..... THE FME MOTTO PROJECT Okayyy...herez the deal. We've decided that our demented publication should have a motto. We, the writers have come up with a few alternatives, and we would love for you all to vote for the best one. We will then tally up the votes, and use them for our lucky lotto numbers. Haha...just kidding!!! We will use them to select which motto we will use. You may vote by email, or there is a spot on the web page to vote also...http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ 1. "If laughter is the best medicine, we must be on drugs" 2. "CAUTION: You are now entering the fourth demention. Anything you say, can and will be laughed at." 3. "Farm Macheenery (Exploding)...it's like three women cooking in the dark." (thanx to eener's brother) 4. "We're a 10 on the Barbie Bedwetting Scale." 5. "The ONLY internet e-zine that tastes like chicken." 6. "wutg." 7. "I don't care if I just brushed my teeth, golldurn it...I'm still gonna eat this chocolate chip cookie." 8. "We are nuts, but we can't be walnuts, because we are off the wall." 9. "Help!!!!! My brain is on fire!!!" 10. "The ONLY official e-zine of STHQ, DTUA, FBI, CIA, IRS, IRC, WUTG, FCC, FTP, HTTP, BBC, NAACP, AFL-CIO, NRA, and Depends Undergarments." Okay! Please vote for just one, or we will simply count the first one you list. We will let you know, in the next couple of weeks, which motto out-mottoed the others. The deadline on voting is July 14th. #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last week, we found the characters at a Steve Taylor concert... The scene: after the Steve Taylor concert...the characters and the rest of the crowd are slowly filing out of the concert area. Esmerelda: *wipes the sweat from her forehead* Whew! I am tired now...I think I am going to go home and sleep...sayyyyy, where do I live? Al: NOOOO!!!!! She said the 'T' word!! I.M.: What...'to'? Al: No, you moron!! 'tired'. Oh no!!!!! Now I said it!! (Al washes his mouth out with soap) Buffy: Everyone...I have something to confess. I am in love with Howard! I have kept it inside so long...I *had* to tell!! Howard: *looking around* Hey, did I miss something? Al: Say, wait a minute, Buffy! Didn't you know that Howard has a prison record for that...incident? Howard: SHUT UP!! Don't talk about that....incident. Arnold Schwarzenegger: I told you I'd be back. Al: Shoves Arnold out of the picture...get outta here, we are in the middle of an important scene! (Arnold falls off the edge of the frame) Esmerelda: *in a threatening manner* I know what happened to Howard... and I'm gonna tell Buffy!! Hear that? I'm gonna tell her!! Because.... *singing* I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day... (Buffy raises her eyebrow) I.M.: Ummm....ok?! Esmerelda: Howard committed a felony, by impersonating Barney!!!! (Howard hangs his head in shame) Howard: There's not much *I* can do, is there? If these writers wanted me to dress in a bikini and rob the local bank, while singing "I've got one hand in my pocket...because I'm holding a gun...but I have no pockets, because I'm wearing this !@#*&^$*&$ bikini" There ain't a thing I can do to prevent it!!! Join us next time...when we MAY ACTUALLY find out what happens next!!! *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions Dear Wise Sage, Did Adam have a belly button? From, Frobean Dear Frobean, I don't know if he did, but I do. Wise Sage, who thanks Swavek for the suggestion ************************* Fruit Bats in your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com This conversation was stolen from the FBI by the CIA, from whom the tape was in turn stolen by the intergalactic not-so-secret police. It has been made open to the public, primarily in order to embarass certain not-to-be-named (STRIPES AND TMD) individuals. The FBI agent recording this conversation now has a permanent case of stretched toes from hanging upside-down in a tree, outside a french cafe. Stripes and The Magic Dragon sat in this tree, passing comments and other things about people in the cafe. Dragon : Who are you? Stripes : Me? I'm a perfectly harmless racoon who got attacked by a dye maker with screwed colour co-ords. Dragon : Oh? To me you look like a racoon with blue and yellow stripes, and pink spots! But I have a hangover, so don't trust my judgement on the pink spots. Stripes : Don't worry I don't, I've just met you, but I already know I'm not going to like you! Dragon : I swear this is some kind of universal conspiricy. First NO-ONE trusts me, Its like they think I sunk Atlantis or something, and now NO-ONE likes me. Is this personal? Stripes : No, not at all personal. I mean can you blame people for not trusting you? And you did sink Atlantis didn't you? Dragon : NO, I did not. That was Numbers. I was just trying to get some candy out of that blasted vending machine. Numbers pressed the button. By the way, how did you find out about that. I thought the narrator shot himself before he told anyone. Stripes : Yeah, well, you always blame somebody else, esspecially when they aren't there to defend themselves. Anyway, Atlantis is the topic for my PhD in Ancient Mythology. So just watch what you say, I know what you're talking about. Dragon : Kewl, so how did you get here. I'm on my break. I'm the cook in the cafe. Stripes : Now I'm really glad I didn't come here to eat - Dragon : No you idiot, I mean I am the OVEN. I breath my superheated flame breath over all the food that needs to be cooked. For some reason though, all the customers always complain that the food is burnt. Stripes : Why am I not suprised? Dragon : Wait .... Wait ... Its coming to me *put his fingers to his temples in a semi psychic style*... No ... lost it. Oh, now I get it, you were being sarcastic. Stripes : *Holds his hands up in the air in despair* No really? Dragon : *pulls an acorn off the the tree and drops it* Voice : *from below* Hey waiter, whats this acorn doing in my coffee. Dragon : Oops. Stripes : Why does that sound so familiar. (For those who are totally lost, suffer, or read last issue. ATLANTIS.-Ed.) You've just taken my sadistic idea for the day. I wanted to drop acorns, but Nooooo, you have to do it first. *Stripes points to a pile of acorns sitting next to him* Dragon : Say do those tatse like mushrooms? Stripes : No they taste like acorns. Dragon : Right fine, but I'll try one anyway. *Dragon lifts Stripes up, and places him on another branch, then proceeds to systematically eat through Stripes' pile of acorns. Stripes : *Stripes picks more acorns and throws them full force at Dragon's head.* Dragon : *Starts swaying* Hey man, I've got to try more of these thi - OWWW. *Stripes' latest attempt hits dragon on a sore tooth.* Stripes : Tee hee hee Dragon : That was my sore tooth! Stripes : *Laughs harder* You realy think I care, you ate my acorns. Dragon : Yes, but you spiked them didn't you. Stripes : Me? Spike them, with what? Dragon : Food dye. Stripes : *quotes from memory* The surgeon general has warned that food dye can be dangerous to your health, especially when wielded by crazy dye makers with wierd taste in coulors. *unquote* And you fell for it, *maniacal laughter* Dragon : But I feel fine, *Dragon throws up suddenly* Voice : *from below* Waiter, I didn't order mushroom sauce. Dragon : I feel sick! Stripes :Not my problem. Dragon : ... Dragon : ... Dragon : I still feel sick. Voice : *from above* Argggggrgggg *The FBI agent falls from the tree* Voice :*from below* Hey what's with this tree anyway? Stripes : Hey Dragon, do me a favour and throw up on the lady, and not just on her food. Dragon : Never, I'm never helping you again! Stripes : But why not, I never did anything to you. Dragon : Noooo, only made me sick, gave me a headache, (oops sorry, headache wasn't part of the script), and made my sore tooth even ... wait a minute, where is it? Hey now I cant pay this month's rent you fool. I was relying on the tooth fairy for assistance. And now I've lost my tooth. But... I do feel better. Voice : *from below* Hey waiter, there's a tooth in my soup. Waiter : Shhh... not so loud, or everyone might want one. Stripes : First, You wanted to eat the acorns, second, I was only defending myself - Dragon : From what? Stripes : ... and third, I think you should fetch your tooth! Dragon : *looks down* But that's not my tooth, its all white and shiny. I bought the green version. Stripes : I, the master of dyes, can definetly say you were ripped off. That was a clever, well actually really obvious, fake attempt which could fool only an idiot into thinking those teeth were green. Besides the tooth fairy doesn't pay for green teeth. Dragon : So who's been paying for them all this time? Stripes : Well how many teeth have you lost? Dragon : Errr.... only this one really! Stripes : *exasperated* So how do you know you're going to get paid. Dragon : Father Christmas told me. Stripes : You know, for a dragon that's supposed to be magical, you realy are DUMB. Dragon : What,... oh I'm sorry I wasn't listening. I was trying to use my ACME Incredible Magic Dragon Tail Extention Hook to get that tooth back. And now you interupted me. You know you're realy lousy company. And you critisize my spilling.. (spelling-Ed.) Stripes : How can I critisize your spelling when you're talking to me? Dragon : Blame Ed. Stripes : Blame Who? Dragon : Ed. Don't you know anything about cheaply produced attempts at comic relief? *FBI agent stands up, shakes his head and says to the customers* : FBI guy : Don't worry folks, FBI business. Everythings under control. Now please don't panic. As long as none of you know that there's a purple dragon, who want's to cause a hostage situation, and has a nuclear bomb strapped to his tail up in that tree ... Dragon : I do? I mean I DO. ARGGGGG. *A purple tail with an ACME Incredible Magic Dragon Tail Extention Hook can be seen hanging from the tree* *Half the crowd runs, the other half get out cellular phones and call the papers, their friends, the police, and the local mental asylum, in that order* Half of Crowd : ARGGGGGGG FBI guy : Hey where you all running to? *FBI guy attempts to walk, and trips over his stretched toes* Stripes : Revenge, Revenge! Dragon : Hey, who did put this nuclear bomb on my tail? Stripes : *smiles* FBI guy : *crawls slowly away, the sound fades on the recording* Dragon : Stripes, don't you want to help me get this bomb off? Dragon : STRIPES? Dragon : Stripes? Dragon : stripes? *Screech of wheels* FBI guy : Oops, Note to self, red light means stop, NOT go. *CRASH* FBI guy : Ouch! Ok so we lied about passing comments, only acorns this time -Ed. Stripes is an addition to our band of writers on this end of the deppresion scale. Hope you enjoy it etc. Magic Dragon. ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ Same news as last week... wutg. Oh! There was a festival in Austin, Minnesota over the weekend called "Spam Jam". I know someone who went to it! Unfortunately, I was working and couldn't go. ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- The tower of Snapple -------------------- Some man decided to build a tower of Snapple. He collected bottles all his life. Strawberry kiwi...Pink Lemonade... all of the flavors in the rainbow. He took the bottles one day, and a roll of duct tape. God spaketh saying... thou shalt not build a tower of Snapple... thou shalt not attempt to reach heaven with thy tower. The man disregarded these words... and built the tower all the same... He windeth the duct tape all around the snapple bottles. Around and around the bottles he windeth the duct tape. The tower got higher and higher... and then he ran out of duct tape. The end. eener and melvan Psychiatrist 2 -------------- "I am frustrated...I want to kill my sister" "I hear you saying you are frustrated and want to kill your sister..." "Yes...I am crazy and insane." "I hear you saying you are crazy and insane." "I want to kill people and turn them into lampshades." "I hear you saying you want to kill people and turn them into lampshades." "I am going to flip off your power switch." *poof* eener New Talent ---------- I balanced an empty Mountain Dew can on my forehead. melvan Newer talent ------------ melvan typed a poem about balancing an empty Mountain Dew can on her forehead. eener :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).