melvan... M M finally has F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) her... M M M M own... Issue #37 F M M M E F M M E F M M computer!!! +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ WEATHER REPORT FROM WISCONSIN (by melvan) At the time of this writing, the temperature is quite high. This morning when I looked out the window at our thermometer, it was already about 90 degrees F. It's so hot... Subscribers: HOW HOT IS IT? It's sooooo hot that when you step out of an air-conditioned car, your glasses steam up. (if you have glasses) And now... THE STORY OF BEWARD EXPLODING LAWNMOWERS (by eener) I was in the irc channel #soundworks, happily chatting with friends, when the idea of Beward exploding lawnmowers was born, quite by accident. I tried to make a topic line titled "Beware exploding Lawnmowers," but I typo-d and instead typed "Beward exploding Lawnmowers!" Soooo...someone in the channel (Mugsy, I think) remarked "What...is Beward the brand name??" And...the idea went from there! Some details on this wonderful piece of macheenery: it runs on explosives...not gas, and is the official lawnmower of STHQ, the headquarters for Steve Taylor as prez in '96. We hope this wonderful piece of equipment will soon be available on the general market. SOMETHING STUPID EENER SAID: She wuz having a conversation with Darin....her sweetheart, and said, in regards to something they were discussing..."Something stinks in Denver!!" Darin laughed quite a bit at this exclamation...and explained that the proper statement is "Something is rotten in Denmark!" Welll... I think I should send this one in to Bulletin Board!!! BB is a part of the St. Paul Pioneer Press newspaper, full of funny stories of the every day lives of people...I urge you all to check it out at www.pioneerplanet.com..... buttttttt I think you may have to subscribe to it to get it....but it is *worth* it, believe me!!! You'll laugh 'til your head needs to be re-attached with duct tape! SpEaKiNg of DuCt TaPe..... (ohhh...who cares if the intro gets over-long...) Here are some duct tape recent events we have come across!!!! 1. In Eau Claire, Wi, which is *quite* close to here, someone *actually* committed suicide by wrapping their head in duct tape! True story!!! 2. Today on Prairie Home Companion, Garrison Keillor said it was sponsored by the American Duct tape association (or a similar-sounding name) 3. In the newspaper recently, there was a column entitled "ValuJet took Duct tape book too much to heart." This column told the story of a flight attendant who saw duct tape on the seat of a ValuJet craft and wondered about her safety...if there is duct tape on the seat... what is in the engine???? 4. Found in a catalog, there was mentioned a new kind of "military" duct tape....supposedly stronger than duct tape! *gasp* The catalog claims that this new military duct tape has even been used to patch bullet holes in aircraft.... 5. My (melvan's) cousin Victor & his family came to visit on Sunday afternoon, and when they were leaving, Victor popped the hood on the car and noticed something amiss...Some wire or something was broke... So I ran in the house and got the duct tape...and he fixed it. ***Thanks to Darin for contributing the military duct tape item and the suicide by duct tape story! And thanx to melvan's dad for mentioning the ValuJet article... #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di In the immortal words of melvan's cousin Victor, "Pour a little more gasoline on that tractor...make sure it keeps burning." Last week on ATTB, we discussed Al's addiction to duct tape...and also mentioned that if any of you are addicted to duct tape, you should join DTUA (duct tape users anonymous.) We understand how an addiction may make you feel confused...guilty....misunderstood...sticky....soooo....join DTUA!! Check out www.pressenter.com/~melvan/dtua/ for more information! Anywaysssssss....on with the show! Scene: All of the characters are at a Steve Taylor concert. Steve Taylor is a Christian music artist/producer/music video director who sings the most awesome alternative tunes. Steve: *singing* Hey momma, hey momma lookit what yer babies all have become...hey momma, hey momma...don't it ever make you wish you'd been a nun? Esmerelda: Ouch! That had to hurt!!! Steve: *singing* Vain and fickle, were we weaned on a pickle???? Howard: Macaroni & Cheese. Buffy: What??? Howard: I just heard one of the writers, eener to be specific, say she would like to make some macaroni and cheese.... Buffy: Er....I think you are hearing those voices in your head again.... Steve: *singing* Smugggggg..... Howard: I *know* I heard eener say she was going to make some macaroni and cheese!!! Raul: Argh!! melvan can't type on this weird Mac keyboard!! Al: Er....am I the only one who isn't having psychic messages from the writers? *thinking* Ohhhhh...it must be that the duct tape on my ears blocks these messages from entering my brain... Bourgeois: Vote for Steve Taylor in '96!!!!! I.M.: *headbanging* I love this song!! Al: *bawling* It's not faiiiir! I want to be like Hillary Clinton and hear psychic messages!!! Howard: Wait!!! Wait...I hear a message coming from the writers again... what does it mean????? It's.....wutg. ***Raul is now known as Wutg -Lifebot-I like Wutg...good choice. Wutg: Hehehe...this is a cool nick :) eener: LOL ***Wutg is now known as Raul Al: These writers are irc addicts!!!! Howard: I got another message from the writers!!!! It says.....*confused expression* melvan ripped off the frog ball's legs???? Steve: *singing* And I gasped when I saw you fall, in his arms....at the finish lineeeeeeeee..... I.M.: *falls over* Whoa... Michael Jackson: I am innocent! I am innocent! Would you like to meet Bubbles the chimp? I.M.: Hey! That's my line! I'm innocent!! Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hey everybody, go see my new movie, Eraser. Arnold: Hey, what is this junk...I want my money!! Guy in suit: There is no difference. The frog ball is green...money is green. (note to all the clueless, cuz we'd hafta tell you sooner or later...the frog ball ACTUALLY exists...It's a small green ball with black markings... and if you cut its legs off...they grow back...and we don't know why....should we call "Unsolved Mysteries?") Esmerelda: Those stupid writers, filling valuable space with parenthetical statements like that...sheesh. Steve: *singing* Oooh Ohhh Ahhh Ahhh...Easy listening!!! Steve: *singing* Y...M...C...A!!!!! Hahahaha...just kidding! (Al suddenly jumps up on the stage) Al: Hey...you keep falling over! Here...duct tape yourself to the speaker. (Al hands Steve a roll of duct tape) Steve: Well...thanks! Join us next time....when the writers may or may not make macaroni and cheese. *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions *sigh* The wise sage has your questions, she just hasn't answered many of them yet. Stay tuned for the answers to your questions.... ************************* Fruit Bats in your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com I have some Spam haikus. the mail thing I have is messed up, so I decided I'd send 'em this way. "Pink, slimy, moving, I hold the glob in my hands. it feels good, the Spam." "if you need a key to open its container you should not eat it" "like a tresure chest, you need a key to open pink goo and jelly" "the Father said, 'son here is the key to my spam it is ten years old'" "I listen for the sound to tell me that it's ready then I eat my spam" "colors aplenty in a blue and yellow can with jelly on top" These were all written by me (PattyT) tonite (Monday the 20-sompin in June) because I'd been doing the Monty Python Spam skit all week at camp, so a boy from my youth group bought me a can of spam, which served as great inspiration! ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ We have no news to report...EXCEPT THIS: wutg. Thank you for your time. ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Excuses, excuses ---------------- Why did I take so long to reply to your email? Well... My computer blew up... No...actually... I'm lagged... WELL...truthfully.... A monster ate all my fingers. A monster......with a face like the face of Robert Tilton... without the horns. eener and melvan (with apologies to ST) Predicament ----------- I cannot find a decent chair to sit on at my computer. melvan Cuckoo clock ------------ Look... my cat is sleeping on the suitcase! A blue ribbon hangs on the wall.. as a fan blows through my hair... I wonder about that frog ball whose legs keep growing... this is even stranger than the electrical outlet poem. good-bye. eener Post script ----------- Well... it does take a few days for the frog ball's legs to grow again. eener Post post script ---------------- melvan ripped his legs off... expecting immediate results... but... Rome wasn't built in a day... and the frog ball's legs weren't either. eener Screape ------- A screape is a sound like fingernails on a chalkboard somewhere between a scrape and a screech. wutg. melvan :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).