Issue #37, 1 July 1996

melvan...       M       M       finally has
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
her...          M  M M  M       own...             Issue #37
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       computer!!!
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:


At the time of this writing, the temperature is quite high.  This morning
when I looked out the window at our thermometer, it was already about 90
degrees F.  It's so hot...

Subscribers: HOW HOT IS IT?

It's sooooo hot that when you step out of an air-conditioned car, your
glasses steam up. (if you have glasses)

And now...


I was in the irc channel #soundworks, happily chatting with friends, when
the idea of Beward exploding lawnmowers was born, quite by accident.  I
tried to make a topic line titled "Beware exploding Lawnmowers," but I
typo-d and instead typed "Beward exploding Lawnmowers!"  Soooo...someone
in the channel (Mugsy, I think) remarked " Beward the brand
name??"  And...the idea went from there!  Some details on this wonderful
piece of macheenery:  it runs on explosives...not gas, and is the official
lawnmower of STHQ, the headquarters for Steve Taylor as prez in '96.  We
hope this wonderful piece of equipment will soon be available on the
general market.


She wuz having a conversation with Darin....her sweetheart, and said, in
regards to something they were discussing..."Something stinks in Denver!!"
Darin laughed quite a bit at this exclamation...and explained that the
proper statement is "Something is rotten in Denmark!"  Welll...  I think I
should send this one in to Bulletin Board!!!  BB is a part of the St. Paul
Pioneer Press newspaper, full of funny stories of the every day lives of
people...I urge you all to check it out at
buttttttt I think you may have to subscribe to it to get it....but it is
*worth* it, believe me!!!  You'll laugh 'til your head needs to be
re-attached with duct tape!

SpEaKiNg of DuCt TaPe.....
(ohhh...who cares if the intro gets over-long...)

Here are some duct tape recent events we have come across!!!!

1.  In Eau Claire, Wi, which is *quite* close to here, someone *actually*
committed suicide by wrapping their head in duct tape!  True story!!!

2.  Today on Prairie Home Companion, Garrison Keillor said it was
sponsored by the American Duct tape association (or a similar-sounding

3.  In the newspaper recently, there was a column entitled "ValuJet took
Duct tape book too much to heart."  This column told the story of a flight
attendant who saw duct tape on the seat of a ValuJet craft and wondered
about her safety...if there is duct tape on the seat...  what is in the

4.  Found in a catalog, there was mentioned a new kind of "military"  duct
tape....supposedly stronger than duct tape!  *gasp* The catalog claims
that this new military duct tape has even been used to patch bullet holes
in aircraft....

5.  My (melvan's) cousin Victor & his family came to visit on Sunday
afternoon, and when they were leaving, Victor popped the hood on the car
and noticed something amiss...Some wire or something was broke...  So I
ran in the house and got the duct tape...and he fixed it.

***Thanks to Darin for contributing the military duct tape item and the
suicide by duct tape story!  And thanx to melvan's dad for mentioning the
ValuJet article...


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

In the immortal words of melvan's cousin Victor, "Pour a little more
gasoline on that tractor...make sure it keeps burning."

Last week on ATTB, we discussed Al's addiction to duct tape...and also
mentioned that if any of you are addicted to duct tape, you should join
DTUA (duct tape users anonymous.)  We understand how an addiction may make
you feel confused...guilty....misunderstood...sticky....soooo....join
DTUA!!  Check out for more information!

Anywaysssssss....on with the show!

Scene:  All of the characters are at a Steve Taylor concert.  Steve Taylor
is a Christian music artist/producer/music video director who sings the
most awesome alternative tunes.

Steve: *singing* Hey momma, hey momma lookit what yer babies all have
become...hey momma, hey momma...don't it ever make you wish you'd been a

Esmerelda:  Ouch!  That had to hurt!!!
Steve:  *singing* Vain and fickle, were we weaned on a pickle????

Howard:  Macaroni & Cheese.
Buffy: What???
Howard:  I just heard one of the writers, eener to be specific, say she
would like to make some macaroni and cheese....
Buffy:  Er....I think you are hearing those voices in your head again....
Steve:  *singing*  Smugggggg.....

Howard:  I *know* I heard eener say she was going to make some macaroni
and cheese!!!
Raul:  Argh!!  melvan can't type on this weird Mac keyboard!!
Al: I the only one who isn't having psychic messages from the
*thinking* must be that the duct tape on my ears blocks
these messages from entering my brain...
Bourgeois:  Vote for Steve Taylor in '96!!!!!

I.M.:  *headbanging*  I love this song!!
Al:  *bawling*  It's not faiiiir!  I want to be like Hillary Clinton and
hear psychic messages!!!
Howard:  Wait!!!  Wait...I hear a message coming from the writers again...
what does it mean?????  It's.....wutg.
***Raul is now known as Wutg
-Lifebot-I like Wutg...good choice.
Wutg:  Hehehe...this is a cool nick :)
eener:  LOL
***Wutg is now known as Raul
Al:  These writers are irc addicts!!!!
Howard:  I got another message from the writers!!!!  It
says.....*confused expression*  melvan ripped off the frog ball's legs????
Steve:  *singing* And I gasped when I saw you fall, in his the
finish lineeeeeeeee.....

I.M.: *falls over*  Whoa...
Michael Jackson:  I am innocent!  I am innocent!  Would you like to meet
Bubbles the chimp?
I.M.:  Hey!  That's my line!  I'm innocent!!

Arnold Schwarzenegger:  Hey everybody, go see my new movie, Eraser.

Arnold:  Hey, what is this junk...I want my money!!
Guy in suit:  There is no difference.  The frog ball is is
(note to all the clueless, cuz we'd hafta tell you sooner or later...the
frog ball ACTUALLY exists...It's a small green ball with black markings...
and if you cut its legs off...they grow back...and we don't know
why....should we call "Unsolved Mysteries?")
Esmerelda:  Those stupid writers, filling valuable space with
parenthetical statements like that...sheesh.
Steve:  *singing* Oooh Ohhh  Ahhh Ahhh...Easy listening!!!

Steve:  *singing*  Y...M...C...A!!!!!  Hahahaha...just kidding!
(Al suddenly jumps up on the stage)
Al: keep falling over!  Here...duct tape yourself to the
(Al hands Steve a roll of duct tape)
Steve:  Well...thanks!

Join us next time....when the writers may or may not make macaroni and

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

*sigh* The wise sage has your questions, she just hasn't answered many of
them yet.  Stay tuned for the answers to your questions....

Fruit Bats in your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

I have some Spam haikus. the mail thing I have is messed up, so I decided
I'd send 'em this way.

"Pink, slimy, moving,
I hold the glob in my hands.
it feels good, the Spam."

"if you need a key
to open its container
you should not eat it"

"like a tresure chest,
you need a key to open
pink goo and jelly"

"the Father said, 'son
here is the key to my spam
it is ten years old'"

"I listen for the sound
to tell me that it's ready
then I eat my spam"

"colors aplenty
in a blue and yellow can
with jelly on top"

These were all written by me (PattyT) tonite (Monday the 20-sompin in
June)  because I'd been doing the Monty Python Spam skit all week at camp,
so a boy from my youth group bought me a can of spam, which served as
great inspiration!


We have no news to report...EXCEPT THIS:  wutg.
Thank you for your time.

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Excuses, excuses

did I
take so long
to reply
to your email?
My computer blew up...
I'm lagged...
A monster ate all my fingers.
A monster......with a face like
the face of Robert Tilton...
without the horns.

eener and melvan (with apologies to ST)


I cannot
a decent chair
to sit on
at my computer.


Cuckoo clock

my cat is sleeping
on the suitcase!
A blue ribbon hangs on the wall..
as a fan blows through my hair...
I wonder about that frog ball
whose legs keep growing...
this is even stranger
than the
electrical outlet


Post script

it does take a few days
for the frog ball's
legs to grow again.


Post post script

melvan ripped his legs off...
expecting immediate results...
Rome wasn't built in a day...
and the frog ball's legs



A screape
is a sound
like fingernails
on a chalkboard
somewhere between
a scrape
and a screech.



Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed
in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in
regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).