FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #36 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): email@example.com Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): firstname.lastname@example.org Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ For those of you who were wondering why there was nothing in last week's issue...you're right...we ARE nuts!! #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last week on ATTB, nothing happened. As if you'd notice. Or care. Al: You know, guys, I have a problem. Raul: We know. Howard: Yeah--what he said. Esmerelda: Tell us!! Tell us!! Inquiring minds want to know!! Al: Well...you see, it's like this... Buffy: SPIT IT OUT ALREADY!!!! Al: *Takes a deep breath* Ok...you see...I have an addiction... I.M.: What, have you been sniffing Kool-aid dust AGAIN??? Al: No, it's much more serious this time... Buffy: Er...do you think he's o.d'ing on Spam again? Raul: Shut up!! Let's just listen to what he's got to say for once!! Al: I confess!! I'm addicted to duct tape!! I just can't hide it anymore!! (rips open his shirt to reveal a duct taped chest) Esmerelda: Oh, that's sick!!! Buffy: Gee...that looks like it'd hurt to remove! Howard: Uhhh...yeah...what she said. I.M.: *looking confused* ...and this is a *problem*?? Al: Well...when I first started using duct tape...it held my life together...held my car together...held my *house* together!!! But then...the addiction took ahold of me...and now...I want to duct tape EVERYTHING!!! My cat didn't appreciate it... Buffy: YOU DUCT TAPED YOUR CAT?????? What the heck is wrong with you??? Al: Well...noooo...I didn't duct tape the cat...I fed him duct tape. Buffy: Oh...well, ok. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hi! (Arnold then walks away holding $4,000,000.00 for making a cameo appearance in this cyber-soap) I.M.: You know, if they're gonna hand out $4 million checks to people, you'd think they'd start with the REGULAR cast first... Producer: Duh...get a clue...you all are NOT regular....you all need Metamucil. Announcer: Buy Metamucil! On sale this week at all drug stores near you. Enjoy our new Spam-flavored Metamucil! Buffy: Hey! I gotta have some of that!! Buffy: *widens her eyes* WOW!!! I guess they decided those puffs of smoke weren't enough special effects for this high-class publication! Al: Can we get back to the issue here? What do I do about my duct tape addiction??? Raul: Join DTUA. Al: What the heck is a DTUA? Esmerelda: That's Duct Tape Users Anonymous. Al: Well...how do I know it exists if it's anonymous? Join us next week...when the plot will be completely changed...YET AGAIN.... *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email email@example.com with your questions Dear The Wise Sage, How and why do cockroaches always die on their backs? And why do their legs fold up? Wallphone Dear Wallphone, Firstly, I will adress the question of why cockroaches always die on their backs. The government has hired a large force of people called "Turnovers," who actively seek-out dead cockroaches (who don't *naturally* die on their backs!), and these folks turn the cockroaches over on their backs. Why, you may ask??? It's because the government does things that make us wonder. Secondly, I will adress the question of why their legs fold up. A large majority of cockroaches have a small system installed in their body called "Leg-Fold-ups-R-Us." This system is designed to fold up the bugs legs when it is dead, to conserve space in the environment. Bugs care about the environment too, you know! Wise Sage Dear (O' great) Wise Sage, My toenail seemes to be growing! It seeem to be getting longer, and longer-- but never when I am waching. Is this normal? How can I get it to grow when I am waching? Is it really growing or am I just forgetting how short it was previeously? Don't tell me I need help, because my mom is in the other room, darning my socks. (I don't kneed you to do that.) left toe Dear left toe, As the old saying goes..."A watched toenail never grows." It is impossible to make your toenail grow while you watch. The toenails follow a strict behavior code, which does not allow them to do this. And yes, your toenails are growing...they grow the instant you look away, and especially while you are sleeping. You may then ask "Well...what if I stay up all the time and stare at my toes...will they grow then??" The answer to that, my friend is a solid, resounding "No!" In fact, when experiments were conducted with this...people stayed up for days and stared at their toes. The toenails became intimidated, and disappeared altogether. Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage, Why does David Letterman wear a hairpiece in public but not on his show? mookie Dear mookie, Unbeknownst to most people, David Letterman and the Hair club for Men president are ONE AND THE SAME person!! So...in public, he becomes the hair club president, who has to wear a hair piece, because the hair club sytem is just a hoax where they give you a really expensive toupee. He doesn't wear it on his show, because he doesn't want people to recognize him as the hair club president. Wise Sage ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email firstname.lastname@example.org Well can ya believe it? We actually got some stuff to put in this section this week!! Hi there, Another one from Numbers & TMD Not another episode, we're out of Dr. Pepper for creativity currently, but maybe you'll enjoy this! ---------------------- To haunt the shadows of the night, To fill the demon's heart with fright, To roam where moonlight doesn't shine, Can no-one ever end this rhyme? To open fire on the dead, To lie with Juliet in Romeo's stead, To smash a wall in reverse, Will no-one help me end this verse? To wander in the Sun King's park, To listen to the songs of dark, To drink the Devil's cup of tea, PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY (Sorry to D. Pirner for the quote!) To frighten all the dogs of hell, To make all illness feel unwell, To dress poverty in a tux, Man, this poem really sux! To be or not to be (Sorry to W. Shake... for the quote) Let's go on a killing spree, To fight and lose on Custer's side, I think our inspiration died! --------------------------- Oh yeah, just arb thanx to Carmen Wortmann for the inspiration of the last verse. WHY JIM CARREY DID NOT GET PICKED FOR THE ROLE OF FORREST GUMP: Jim looks around pouts his lips, and mooves his face in really weird expressions that are retarded and undescribeable (the only good point for his beng Forrest) he exclaims: "Did you know that my buttoxs?" He then looks around quickly, bends over and playing with his cheeks, voices "My momma always said: 'life is like a box of ca-ca's you never know which one stinks really bad." He then dons a green body suit with a big question mark on it (?) and says "Stupid is stupid does." Then picks up a actient wooden and metal mask, turns into a party animal with a green face and huge clothes, then moons the president and tells him "I GOT to go PEE!" Next he gets pooped out of a rhino completely naked and I wont tell you how THAT happened! he then proceedes to run all over the country in the middle of a highway, gets killed by a semi truck and lives to tell about it. (I wont tell you how that happened either) --Contributed by WallPhone ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- What is it again? ----------------- Gimme a 'G' G! Gimme an 'A' A! Gimme a 'T' T! Gimme an 'E' E! Gimme a 'space' SPACE! Gimme another 'A' A! What gate is that? GATE F!!! melvan Dr. Pepper (the beverage) ------------------------- Ahh...how sweet it is... running down the esophagus... which I don't know how to spell for sure... I love my sweet Dr. Pepper... healer of all sickness... Winner of all wars.... Winner of all presidential elections.... Lowerer of our taxes.... I love it... almost as much as I love duct tape... Ahhhh...how sweet it is... Sweet sweet Dr. Pepper... running down my esophagus... Gee, I wish I knew how to spell that word... I s'pose I could look it up in the dictionary... But... I'm duct-taped to my chair...drinking Dr. Pepper. eener & melvan Subliminal message ------------------ This isn't a subliminal message because if it were you wouldn't know it was. eener My Turn ------- Never thought it would happen to ME... 'cuz I have a good German name... but the other night... this guy... called me 'Hoffmeister' Go figure... wutg. melvan Song ---- Odd... but this song soundz somewhat like the Sesame Street song. eener Song 2 ------ Sequels are stoopid...so... I'm not going to write this poem eener Song 3 ------ I want to be a song. melvan Song 4 (the speculation) ------------------------ melvan must want to be the song... Champagne Supernova. Don't try to figure that out... You wouldn't understand... Because....wutg. eener Song 5 ------ Did you know... that the song "Lead On O King Eternal" if sung wrong... sounds like "Lead on o Kinky Turtle" melvan Song 6 (the conclusion) ----------------------- My cat can gallop. eener Aaaaargh!!! It's that time again...we gotta get outta here... :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).