Issue #36, 24 June 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #36
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

For those of you who were wondering why there was nothing in last week's're right...we ARE nuts!!


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, nothing happened.

As if you'd notice.  Or care.

Al:  You know, guys, I have a problem.
Raul:  We know.
Howard:  Yeah--what he said.
Esmerelda:  Tell us!!  Tell us!!  Inquiring minds want to know!!
Al: see, it's like this...
Al:  *Takes a deep breath* see...I have an addiction...
I.M.:  What, have you been sniffing Kool-aid dust AGAIN???
Al:  No, it's much more serious this time...
Buffy: you think he's o.d'ing on Spam again?
Raul:  Shut up!!  Let's just listen to what he's got to say for once!!
Al:  I confess!!  I'm addicted to duct tape!!  I just can't hide it
anymore!! (rips open his shirt to reveal a duct taped chest)
Esmerelda:  Oh, that's sick!!!
Buffy:  Gee...that looks like it'd hurt to remove!
Howard:  Uhhh...yeah...what she said.
I.M.:  *looking confused* ...and this is a *problem*??

Al:  Well...when I first started using duct held my life
together...held my car together...held my *house* together!!!  But
then...the addiction took ahold of me...and now...I want to duct tape
EVERYTHING!!!  My cat didn't appreciate it...
Buffy:  YOU DUCT TAPED YOUR CAT??????  What the heck is wrong with you???
Al:  Well...noooo...I didn't duct tape the cat...I fed him duct tape.
Buffy:  Oh...well, ok.
Arnold Schwarzenegger:  Hi!  (Arnold then walks away holding
$4,000,000.00 for making a cameo appearance in this cyber-soap)

I.M.:  You know, if they're gonna hand out $4 million checks to people,
you'd think they'd start with the REGULAR cast first...
Producer:  Duh...get a all are NOT all need
Announcer:  Buy Metamucil!  On sale this week at all drug stores near
you.  Enjoy our new Spam-flavored Metamucil!
Buffy:  Hey!  I gotta have some of that!!

Buffy:  *widens her eyes*  WOW!!!  I guess they decided those puffs of
smoke weren't enough special effects for this high-class publication!
Al:  Can we get back to the issue here?  What do I do about my duct tape
Raul:  Join DTUA.
Al:  What the heck is a DTUA?
Esmerelda:  That's Duct Tape Users Anonymous.
Al: do I know it exists if it's anonymous?

Join us next week...when the plot will be completely changed...YET AGAIN....

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Dear The Wise Sage,

How and why do cockroaches always die on their backs? And why do their
legs fold up?


Dear Wallphone,

Firstly, I will adress the question of why cockroaches always die on their
backs.  The government has hired a large force of people called
"Turnovers," who actively seek-out dead cockroaches (who don't *naturally*
die on their backs!), and these folks turn the cockroaches over on their
backs.  Why, you may ask???  It's because the government does things that
make us wonder.  Secondly, I will adress the question of why their legs
fold up.  A large majority of cockroaches have a small system installed in
their body called "Leg-Fold-ups-R-Us."  This system is designed to fold up
the bugs legs when it is dead, to conserve space in the environment.  Bugs
care about the environment too, you know!

Wise Sage

Dear (O' great) Wise Sage,

My toenail seemes to be growing! It seeem to be getting longer, and
longer-- but never when I am waching. Is this normal? How can I get it to
grow when I am waching? Is it really growing or am I just forgetting how
short it was previeously? Don't tell me I need help, because my mom is in
the other room, darning my socks. (I don't kneed you to do that.)

left toe

Dear left toe,

As the old saying goes..."A watched toenail never grows."  It is
impossible to make your toenail grow while you watch.  The toenails follow
a strict behavior code, which does not allow them to do this.  And yes,
your toenails are growing...they grow the instant you look away, and
especially while you are sleeping.  You may then ask "Well...what if I
stay up all the time and stare at my toes...will they grow then??"  The
answer to that, my friend is a solid, resounding "No!"  In fact, when
experiments were conducted with this...people stayed up for days and
stared at their toes.  The toenails became intimidated, and disappeared

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

Why does David Letterman wear a hairpiece in public but not on his show?


Dear mookie,

Unbeknownst to most people, David Letterman and the Hair club for Men
president are ONE AND THE SAME person!! public, he becomes the
hair club president, who has to wear a hair piece, because the hair club
sytem is just a hoax where they give you a really expensive toupee.  He
doesn't wear it on his show, because he doesn't want people to recognize
him as the hair club president.

Wise Sage

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

Well can ya believe it?  We actually got some stuff to put in this section
this week!!

Hi there, Another one from Numbers & TMD

Not another episode, we're out of Dr. Pepper for creativity currently, but
maybe you'll enjoy this!

To haunt the shadows of the night,
To fill the demon's heart with fright,
To roam where moonlight doesn't shine,
Can no-one ever end this rhyme?

To open fire on the dead,
To lie with Juliet in Romeo's stead,
To smash a wall in reverse,
Will no-one help me end this verse?

To wander in the Sun King's park,
To listen to the songs of dark,
To drink the Devil's cup of tea,
PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY (Sorry to D. Pirner for the quote!)

To frighten all the dogs of hell,
To make all illness feel unwell,
To dress poverty in a tux,
Man, this poem really sux!

To be or not to be   (Sorry to W. Shake... for the quote)
Let's go on a killing spree,
To fight and lose on Custer's side,
I think our inspiration died!

Oh yeah, just arb thanx to Carmen Wortmann for the inspiration of the last


Jim looks around pouts his lips, and mooves his face in really weird
expressions that are retarded and undescribeable (the only good point for
his beng Forrest) he exclaims: "Did you know that my buttoxs?" He then
looks around quickly, bends over and playing with his cheeks, voices "My
momma always said: 'life is like a box of ca-ca's you never know which one
stinks really bad." He then dons a green body suit with a big question
mark on it (?) and says "Stupid is stupid does." Then picks up a actient
wooden and metal mask, turns into a party animal with a green face and
huge clothes, then moons the president and tells him "I GOT to go PEE!"
Next he gets pooped out of a rhino completely naked and I wont tell you
how THAT happened!  he then proceedes to run all over the country in the
middle of a highway, gets killed by a semi truck and lives to tell about
it. (I wont tell you how that happened either)

--Contributed by WallPhone


Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

What is it again?

Gimme a 'G'
Gimme an 'A'
Gimme a 'T'
Gimme an 'E'
Gimme a 'space'
Gimme another 'A'
What gate is that?


Dr. Pepper (the beverage)
------------------------- sweet it is...
running down the esophagus...
which I don't know how to spell for sure...
I love my sweet Dr. Pepper...
healer of all sickness...
Winner of all wars....
Winner of all presidential elections....
Lowerer of our taxes....
I love it...
almost as much as I love duct tape... sweet it is...
Sweet sweet Dr. Pepper...
running down my esophagus...
Gee, I wish I knew how to spell that word...
I s'pose I could look it up in the dictionary...
I'm duct-taped to my chair...drinking Dr. Pepper.

eener & melvan

Subliminal message

This isn't
a subliminal message
because if it were
you wouldn't know


My Turn

Never thought it would happen to ME...
'cuz I have a good German name...
but the other night...
this guy...
called me 'Hoffmeister'
Go figure...



but this song


Song 2

I'm not going to


Song 3

I want
a song.


Song 4 (the speculation)

must want to be the song...
Champagne Supernova.
Don't try to figure that out...
You wouldn't understand...


Song 5

Did you know...
that the song
"Lead On O King Eternal"
if sung wrong...
sounds like
"Lead on o Kinky Turtle"


Song 6 (the conclusion)

My cat


Aaaaargh!!!  It's that time again...we gotta get outta here...


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed
in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in
regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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