Hahahahah...wescrewedupthetoplinethisweek F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #34 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Before we start this issue...eener would like to share a quote with you all... "Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb"--from Spaceballs, the movie. Remember that stoopid survey we took 10 issues ago? Well, we finally got around to assembling those responses...and here are some of the most interesting answers to the questions... 1. Where did you hear about FME? "I wish I could remember so I could track them down and put their eyes out with a soldering iron."--Tom W. "from a chicken faijita"--Jessica O. 2. Why do guys always wear white socks? "I don't. Right now I am wearing black ones with little bitty green stripes across the toes. What is the point of these? No one sees them."--Alan S. "Simple, Black socks + White hightops + shorts = a real dork."--Sir John EDITORS' NOTE: Most of the guys who answered this question said something along the lines of "I'm not", while most of the gals tried to explain it. 3. What do you like about FME? "it's funny and talks about spam"--Shanna "It makes me feel happy, despite how bad of a mood I'm in."--Mark "ASK WISE SAGE!!!!!! Sage ruuuuulz....dude."--Curtis D. "Um....um....I had something somewhere...um...um..."--Matt P. "The shear stupidity."--Chris "The general hilarity that ensues throughout the entire mental institution everytime we open up the Nursing station computer and read this crazy thing. Plus the deep philosophical questions it evokes! Like: why are you out there and we're in here?"--Dave H. 4. What could be improved on? "If you get around to it, a plot for ATTB. Just a thought. ;-)"--Erik R. "The shear stupidity."--Chris "I think you guys are far too serious. Lighten up a little. Enjoy life. Don't try to talk about the implications of NAFTA on the EEC in _every_ issue. Tone down the big words."--Matt P. 5. this sentence ends with a preposition. "this one does not end with a preposition...well, it does end with "preposition," but it doesn't end with *a* preposition...confused yet? I am."--Rick B. "well the word preposition is not a preposition so the sentance is false and therefore you are all lyers."--Jessica O. 6. disregard #5 "Fine; Short Circuit was an inane, plotless movie anyway."--Tom W. 7. disregard #7 "7# dragersid .7"--Mark 8. What is your favorite section of FME? "The .sig file"--Haxiem "WISE SAGE, without a doubt."--just about everybody "ATTB"--a couple people 9. What country are you from? "Denmark. No, Australia! Aaaaaauuuggghh...."--Tom W. "mars"--Jessica O. 10. If the answer to #9 is USA, which state? "I don't know that! Aaaaaauuuugggghh...."--Tom W. "The State of Confusion. (Actually, it's spelled C-a-l-i-f-o-r-n-i-a, but it's pretty much the same thing.)"--Dave H. "the big red spot"--Jessica O. #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last week on ATTB, Norin ya Quorin Pooc Hin. This week on ATTB, Wimble Borg Oompus Electrus. The scene///////////////////////////////whoops. Er...the scene is in Al's campaign office, because, as you may remember, he is running for president. Raul: You know, guys, I'm getting really sick of not having a plot on this stoopid internet soap opera. Al: Why? Plots are overrated. All the successful movies & tv shows have plots. We wanna be different. Go against the flow. Know what I mean, Vern? Raul: Er...somehow that line seems familiar! Vern: Um...nevermind...I don't exist. (Vern disappears in a plaid poof of smoke) Buffy: I think we should mutiny against these *StUpId* writers, and try to create our own plot!!!!! I.M.: Hmmmm....*looks around* I think we lost the plot! Esmerelda: Well, if we lost it, wouldn't it be in the lost and found? Raul: I want to take over the world!!!!! Howard: *looks around* Where are Pinky and the Brain when we need them? Buffy: *runs up to Raul* I have always loved you! Raul: Let's get married!! Howard: *flares his nostrils* Gee....I didn't know I could flare my nostrils...*raises his eyebrow* Gosh...I can raise my eyebrow!!!! *does a stomach transplant on himself* Wow...I won't even comment on that one... Al: HOWARD can do SURGERY?????? Do you know what this means????? Buffy: Um...I know!! I know! *waves her hand* Howard can open a medical practice, make lots of money, and marry me, and we can live happily ever after!!!! Buffy: Wait, I just had a line...I'll let someone else go here. Esmerelda: Nooo...I wanna marry Howard! Raul: Er...I thought you loved *me* Buffy! *sobs* Howard: You can BOTH marry me!! We'll move to some country where that's legal! Al: No, you guys...that's *not* what I meant...remember those aliens we saw a couple years ago? They said that when Howard could do surgery, they'd come back and suck out all our internal organs!!!! We gotta go hide somewhere!!!! Join us next time on ATTB, when we may or may not find the plot in a lost and found box... *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions Dear Wise Sage, Why do men have nipples? mookie Dear mookie, They are there, so if the guy runs out of other areas to get pierced, they can pierce them. Wise Sage ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com GeeeeEeeeeEEeeee...ya know, we thought you'd all flood us with cool poems and stories and stuff when we changed the name of this oh-so-awesome column...we thought the *absolute* spiffiness of the name change would spur you all to such heights of inspiration, we would not be able to keep up with the flood of email, containing marvelous writing. Alas, it was not to be so. A cat I used to have went insane when he smelled Ben Gay. The cat I have now doesn't do that, which is cool, cuz then he won't drive me bonkers when I have sore muscles. Send stuff in to us! (and money, of course) ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ Okay guys...the news is...nothing. Actually, remember a few weeks ago when we said that melvan's email address would be changing after a while? Well, she *finally* got the software in the mail...only it turns out that you need a credit card to register, which melvan does not have (yet)...so this address will be in use for a while yet.... ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Calculator ---------- I saw a toad today... melvan Electrical Outlet II -------------------- Bzzt Bzzt I'm dead. eener Another ------- This poem is three lines long. eener ST -- "Hold the mustard on those tacos...." With two small tacos in his pocket... He heads out to the plane... with toothpaste still on his shirt... Later, Hair flying... Cartwheeling across the stage, Insane. eener & melvan A REAL poem that actually rhymes -------------------------------- Rhyme Rhyme Rhyme... I'm a Sublime Mime... Mime with a Lime. Time to Climb. melvan & eener (wutg) :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).