Issue #34, 10 June 1996

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The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

Before we start this issue...eener would like to share a quote with you
"Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb"--from Spaceballs, the

Remember that stoopid survey we took 10 issues ago?  Well, we finally got
around to assembling those responses...and here are some of the most
interesting answers to the questions...

1.  Where did you hear about FME?

"I wish I could remember so I could track them down and put their eyes out
with a soldering iron."--Tom W.

"from a chicken faijita"--Jessica O.

2.  Why do guys always wear white socks?

"I don't. Right now I am wearing black ones with little bitty green
stripes across the toes. What is the point of these? No one sees
them."--Alan S.

"Simple, Black socks + White hightops + shorts = a real dork."--Sir John

EDITORS' NOTE:  Most of the guys who answered this question said something
along the lines of "I'm not", while most of the gals tried to explain it.

3.  What do you like about FME?

"it's funny and talks about spam"--Shanna

"It makes me feel happy, despite how bad of a mood I'm in."--Mark

"ASK WISE SAGE!!!!!!  Sage ruuuuulz....dude."--Curtis D.

" had something"--Matt P.

"The shear stupidity."--Chris

"The general hilarity that ensues throughout the entire mental institution
everytime we open up the Nursing station computer and read this crazy
thing.  Plus the deep philosophical questions it evokes!  Like: why are
you out there and we're in here?"--Dave H.

4.  What could be improved on?

"If you get around to it, a plot for ATTB. Just a thought. ;-)"--Erik R.

"The shear stupidity."--Chris

"I think you guys are far too serious.  Lighten up a little.  Enjoy life.
Don't try to talk about the implications of NAFTA on the EEC in _every_
issue.  Tone down the big words."--Matt P.

5.  this sentence ends with a preposition.

"this one does not end with a preposition...well, it does end with
"preposition," but it doesn't end with *a* preposition...confused yet? I
am."--Rick B.

"well the word preposition is not a preposition so the sentance is false
and therefore you are all lyers."--Jessica O.

6.  disregard #5

"Fine; Short Circuit was an inane, plotless movie anyway."--Tom W.

7.  disregard #7

"7# dragersid  .7"--Mark

8.  What is your favorite section of FME?

"The .sig file"--Haxiem

"WISE SAGE, without a doubt."--just about everybody

"ATTB"--a couple people

9.  What country are you from?

"Denmark.  No, Australia!  Aaaaaauuuggghh...."--Tom W.

"mars"--Jessica O.

10.  If the answer to #9 is USA, which state?

"I don't know that!  Aaaaaauuuugggghh...."--Tom W.

"The State of Confusion.  (Actually, it's spelled C-a-l-i-f-o-r-n-i-a, but
it's pretty much the same thing.)"--Dave H.

"the big red spot"--Jessica O.


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, Norin ya Quorin Pooc Hin.

This week on ATTB, Wimble Borg Oompus Electrus.

The scene///////////////////////////////whoops. Er...the scene is in Al's
campaign office, because, as you may remember, he is running for

Raul:  You know, guys, I'm getting really sick of not having a plot on
this stoopid internet soap opera.
Al:  Why?  Plots are overrated.  All the successful movies & tv shows have
plots.  We wanna be different.  Go against the flow. Know what I mean,
Raul:  Er...somehow that line seems familiar!
Vern:  Um...nevermind...I don't exist.
(Vern disappears in a plaid poof of smoke)
Buffy: I think we should mutiny against these *StUpId* writers, and try to
create our own plot!!!!!
I.M.:  Hmmmm....*looks around* I think we lost the plot!
Esmerelda:  Well, if we lost it, wouldn't it be in the lost and found?
Raul:  I want to take over the world!!!!!
Howard:  *looks around*  Where are Pinky and the Brain when we need them?
Buffy:  *runs up to Raul*  I have always loved you!
Raul:  Let's get married!!
Howard:  *flares his nostrils*  Gee....I didn't know I could flare my
nostrils...*raises his eyebrow*  Gosh...I can raise my eyebrow!!!!  *does
a stomach transplant on himself*  Wow...I won't even comment on that
Al:  HOWARD can do SURGERY??????  Do you know what this means?????
Buffy:  Um...I know!!  I know!  *waves her hand*  Howard can open a
medical practice, make lots of money, and marry me, and we can live
happily ever after!!!!
Buffy:  Wait, I just had a line...I'll let someone else go here.
Esmerelda:  Nooo...I wanna marry Howard!
Raul: Er...I thought you loved *me* Buffy!  *sobs*
Howard:  You can BOTH marry me!!  We'll move to some country where that's
Al:  No, you guys...that's *not* what I meant...remember those aliens we
saw a couple years ago?  They said that when Howard could do surgery,
they'd come back and suck out all our internal organs!!!!  We gotta go
hide somewhere!!!!

Join us next time on ATTB, when we may or may not find the plot in a lost
and found box...

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

Why do men have nipples?


Dear mookie,

They are there, so if the guy runs out of other areas to get pierced, they
can pierce them.

Wise Sage

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

GeeeeEeeeeEEeeee...ya know, we thought you'd all flood us with cool poems
and stories and stuff when we changed the name of this oh-so-awesome
column...we thought the *absolute* spiffiness of the name change would
spur you all to such heights of inspiration, we would not be able to keep
up with the flood of email, containing marvelous writing.  Alas, it was
not to be so.  A cat I used to have went insane when he smelled Ben Gay.
The cat I have now doesn't do that, which is cool, cuz then he won't drive
me bonkers when I have sore muscles.

Send stuff in to us!  (and money, of course)


Okay guys...the news is...nothing.  Actually, remember a few weeks ago
when we said that melvan's email address would be changing after a while?
Well, she *finally* got the software in the mail...only it turns out that
you need a credit card to register, which melvan does not have (yet)
this address will be in use for a while yet....

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash


I saw
a toad


Electrical Outlet II

I'm dead.



This poem
three lines long.



"Hold the mustard on those tacos...."
With two small tacos in his pocket...
He heads out to the plane...
with toothpaste still on his shirt...
Hair flying...
Cartwheeling across the stage,

eener & melvan

A REAL poem that actually rhymes

I'm a
Mime with a
to Climb.

melvan & eener (wutg)


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed
in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in
regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).