The young M M pine tree F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #31 F M M M E F M M E F M M quivers... +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Welcome to an ABBREVIATED issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding). In this issue: 1. An Announcement 2. As the Tractor Burns 3. The Wise Sage 4. A letter explaining the legal rights of one Mr. Matthew Prins 5. 100 ways to turn your foot into a gun But first, melvan has something to say: I purposely misspelled "macheenery" in last week's issue's subject line, and NO ONE (except eener) noticed it!!! I am hurt. I am going to go pout in a corner. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms.... AN ANNOUNCEMENT: We would like to offer a CONGRADUATIONS (and yes, we misspelled it on purpose) to all of you who are graduating from high school, college, and kindergarten this month. Good luck in whatever you pursue, and don't forget, it was FME that got you this far! Just kidding. And now for a commentary by eener on exploding farm macheens... I recently went on a date with someone to see the movie "Twister." I enjoyed all the eye-popping special effects (though they don't even come close to the special effects we employ in As The Tractor Burns...) As I was observing this movie, there was a particular part where a tornado hits a field that has several tractors in it. The twister picks up the tractors and deposits them on the road where they *CraSh* to the ground. I leaned over to Ryan (the guy I was with...the air hockey god...hehe) and say, "Pssst, Ryan...exploding farm macheenery!!!!" I think you all should see the movie, *just* to see that...and the flying cows, of course. #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ We hate to disappoint all you hardcore ATTB fans, but due to many things, ATTB is not here this week. Sorry for any inconvenience... *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions Dear Wise Sage, When peeling a banana, is the banana supposed to split into three or four seperate peel sections. I seem to alternate between the two and it confuses me. Sincerely, Curious George Dear Curious George, The number of the counting shall be three. No more, no less. Two shall you not count, unless you then proceed to three. Four shalt thou not count. And five is right out! Wise Sage ************************* Fruit Bats in Your Toilet ************************* **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com Yet another complaint on behalf of a certain M. D. Prins... To Miss Elrod and Miss Hoffmeyer: I have recently been informed of your unqualified, absurd overuse of the word "yawn" in recent issues of your magazine, Farm Macheenery [sic] (Exploding), in an attempt to try to disrupt the peaceful, tranquil life of one Matthew D. Prins. This disruption of Mr. Prins's life falls under the statue of the new stalking law (HR19.1-470) recently passed by the Republican congress and signed in to effect by President Bill Clinton. The local authorities in your area have been contacted of this obtuse violation of Mr. Prins's rights and will therefore be monitoring your use of the word "yawn" in e-mail, IRC, and other electronic transmissions for the next 90 days, to insure that a violation of Mr. Prins's rights in this way does not occur again. If you are caught breaking this probation, your privilege of using the word "yawn" or any group of letters similar to the word "yawn" will be taken away for up to ten years. I have included a copy of the law in question for your convenience. Thank you for you cooperation in this matter. Janet Reno Attorney General of the United States of America EDITORS' NOTE: All right, we can take a hint...we promise not to y*wn at this Mr. Prins anymore.... Since he's soon going home to Iowa for the summer (or maybe he's already there?), we'll just start in on our vast collection of IOWA JOKES!!!!! Q. Why don't Iowans drink Kool-Aid? A. Because they can't figure out how to get all that water into the little packet. If you know any other good ones, let us know. Here's a piece that we found quite humorous... Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems." from: Chicken? ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Procrastination --------------- I'm delaying writing a paper that's already 3 days late... I'm meaning to pay that parking ticket that's several weeks overdue! And someday I'll do my laundry that's piled 3 feet high And perhaps I'll finish this poem tomorrow... eener The meaning of "Kapoot!" ------------------------ living on one hour of sleep... getting run over by a jeep Having your house crushed by a tree... Getting stung by a golldurned bee Falling into the Grand canyon... Running out of Dr. Pepper... Being duct-taped to a cactus.... ...and liking it. eener Goodbye. :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).