Issue #31, 20 May 1996

The young       M       M       pine tree
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #31
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       quivers...
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

Welcome to an ABBREVIATED issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding).  In this

1.  An Announcement
2.  As the Tractor Burns
3.  The Wise Sage
4.  A letter explaining the legal rights of one Mr. Matthew Prins
5.  100 ways to turn your foot into a gun

But first, melvan has something to say:  I purposely misspelled
"macheenery" in last week's issue's subject line, and NO ONE (except
eener) noticed it!!!  I am hurt.  I am going to go pout in a corner.
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms....

AN ANNOUNCEMENT:  We would like to offer a CONGRADUATIONS (and yes, we
misspelled it on purpose) to all of you who are graduating from high
school, college, and kindergarten this month.  Good luck in whatever you
pursue, and don't forget, it was FME that got you this far!  Just kidding.

And now for a commentary by eener on exploding farm macheens...

I recently went on a date with someone to see the movie "Twister."  I
enjoyed all the eye-popping special effects (though they don't even come
close to the special effects we employ in As The Tractor Burns...)  As I
was observing this movie, there was a particular part where a tornado hits
a field that has several tractors in it.  The twister picks up the
tractors and deposits them on the road where they *CraSh* to the ground.
I leaned over to Ryan (the guy I was with...the air hockey god...hehe) and
say, "Pssst, Ryan...exploding farm macheenery!!!!"  I think you all should
see the movie, *just* to see that...and the flying cows, of course.


We hate to disappoint all you hardcore ATTB fans, but due to many things,
ATTB is not here this week.  Sorry for any inconvenience...

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

When peeling a banana, is the banana supposed to split into three or four
seperate peel sections.  I seem to alternate between the two and it
confuses me.

Curious George

Dear Curious George,

The number of the counting shall be three.  No more, no less.  Two shall
you not count, unless you then proceed to three.  Four shalt thou not
count.  And five is right out!

Wise Sage

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

Yet another complaint on behalf of a certain M. D. Prins...

To Miss Elrod and Miss Hoffmeyer:

I have recently been informed of your unqualified, absurd overuse of the
word "yawn" in recent issues of your magazine, Farm Macheenery [sic]
(Exploding), in an attempt to try to disrupt the peaceful, tranquil life
of one Matthew D. Prins.  This disruption of Mr. Prins's life falls under
the statue of the new stalking law (HR19.1-470) recently passed by the
Republican congress and signed in to effect by President Bill Clinton.
The local authorities in your area have been contacted of this obtuse
violation of Mr. Prins's rights and will therefore be monitoring your use
of the word "yawn" in e-mail, IRC, and other electronic transmissions for
the next 90 days, to insure that a violation of Mr. Prins's rights in this
way does not occur again.  If you are caught breaking this probation, your
privilege of using the word "yawn" or any group of letters similar to the
word "yawn" will be taken away for up to ten years.  I have included a
copy of the law in question for your convenience.

Thank you for you cooperation in this matter.

Janet Reno
Attorney General of the United States of America

EDITORS' NOTE:  All right, we can take a hint...we promise not to y*wn at
this Mr. Prins anymore....  Since he's soon going home to Iowa for the
summer (or maybe he's already there?), we'll just start in on our vast
collection of IOWA JOKES!!!!!

Q.  Why don't Iowans drink Kool-Aid?
A.  Because they can't figure out how to get all that water into the
little packet.

If you know any other good ones, let us know.

Here's a piece that we found quite humorous...

Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation.  After a while one of
them said, "You think you have family problems?  Listen to my situation.
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got
married.  Later, my father married my stepdaughter.  That made my
stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.  Also my wife
became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.  Then the daughter of my wife,
my stepmother had a son.  This boy was my half brother because he was my
father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him
my wife's grandson.  That made me grandfather of my half-brother.  This
was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is also the grandmother.  This
makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my
father's wife.  I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own
child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and
you think you have family problems."

from: Chicken?

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash


I'm delaying
writing a paper
that's already
3 days late...
I'm meaning to
pay that parking ticket
that's several weeks
And someday I'll do
my laundry
that's piled 3 feet high
And perhaps I'll finish
this poem


The meaning of "Kapoot!"

living on one hour of sleep...
getting run over by a jeep
Having your house crushed by a tree...
Getting stung by a golldurned bee

Falling into the Grand canyon...

Running out of Dr. Pepper...

Being duct-taped to a cactus....

...and liking it.




Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed
in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in
regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

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