Issue #30, 13 May 1996

Yaaawwwwn       M       M       Hahaha!!
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #30
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

Yikes!  It's Issue #30!  You know what that means, don't you?  That's
right...FME is getting old.  It ain't a youngun' anymore.  FME online is 7
months old.  If FME was a human being, it would be crawling by now...if it
was a cat or a dog or a rabbit, it would be old enough to have its own
little FMEs.  But it's just a stoooopid internet magazine, so it doesn't
have to do anything of that sort.  All it has to do is sit on your hard
drive and gather dust.


OK, this is a new section.  It will only appear when absolutely necessary.
And we will *try* not to get mushy over this type of stuff.

We would like to offer a special thank you, congratulations, good luck,
and all that to a certain Dorothy Elrod...who just happens to be eener's
mom.  She got a new job about 100 miles from here and is moving there with
eener's brother & sister very soon.  She has been a very loyal fan of FME
right from the beginning.  She prints out a copy of each issue and keeps
them in a file cabinet.  She hasn't thrown us into the looney bin yet,
even though we're *sure* she's had several opportunities to do so.  Thanks
for being a loyal fan...we hope you have email at your new job :)


And now...eener would like to tell you all a little story!  It's called
"The story of the cuticle boy"

A couple of weeks ago, I was at church with a date (Darin from GA)  and a
good pal of mine (melvan, to be more precise.)  The speaker was a
misisonary from Africa, so he was a *bit* hard to understand.  We three
were sitting there, listening, when Darin leaned over to me and said
"Psst...look at that boy over there!"  I looked over at the young boy
sitting to the right of us, on the other side of Darin. (melvan was
sitting to my left-- isn't *that* a vital tidbit of information??)  The
boy was holding his dad's hand, pushing back his cuticles with his
fingers!!  He was pushing, pushing, pushing on his dad's cuticles with
intensity.  As for his dad...well he was snoozing!!  When I saw this, it
was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud.  I was sitting there
shaking with silent laughter.  I hadn't laughed so hard in church since
melvan and I used to sit together and write notes back and forth and get
in trouble with our parents.  (this was when we were younger-- last
year...just was quite awhile ago)  This little boy then
reached over for his mom's hand, and was inspecting her watch and such.
Well...I just thought I'd share that with you all.  End of
story....well...not exactly...Darin commented after that he'd like the boy
to do *his* cuticles, and his toes, while he was at it! Hehe...have a good
day y'all!  Note from melvan:  I didn't have a clue what those two were
laughing about...I was actually laughing because eener was laughing so's kinda a YAAAAAAWWWWWWNNNN!!! (So there, Mr.
Prins...again!!!!! hehehehehehehehehe)  Oh...and this boy's dad....he's
running for representative or something this fall....


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last time on ATTB, we discovered that Al is running for president!
Well...that basically covers it!

Scene:  the campaign office

Reporter:  Al, exactly how do you plan to raise money for the National
Society of Barn Door Builders if you take the taxes off Spam?
Al:  Uh....I didn't inhale?
Reporter:  What?
Al:  Uh....I feel your pain?
Reporter:  What the heck are you talking about?
Raul:  Al is a, confused...
Al:  Uh....Read my lips...No new taxes!!!
Buffy:  Oh boy...
Esmerelda:  Sheesh...Al will *never* get elected this way!!
I.M.:  Sure he will...I'm his runningmate!!
Esmerelda:  You are what, I.M.??  I didn't know he had selected a
runningmate yet!!!
Al:  Uh....Speak softly and carry a big stick?
Buffy:  Ahem...I think Al needs a nap.
Al:  Uhhh....Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what *you* can
do for your country!
Buffy:  *raises her left eyebrow*
Al:  *gesturing wildly*  I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!!
Raul:  Come on Al...You're in a presidential time warp...
Al:  Fourscore and seven years ago--
(Raul duct tapes Al's mouth shut)
Al:  Mmmmmph!
Reporter:  Ooh...This will look GREAT on the front page!!!  I can see the
headline:  "Presidential candidate Rightithen duct taped by campaign
Buffy:  *glaring at the reporter* Get out of here before I call the men in
white coats!!
(Raul drags Al out of the room, intending to force him to take a nap)
Al:  Mmmmmph!!  *rips duct tape off mouth*  Okay, okay...I'll take a nap!
(Buffy tries in vain to lower her left eyebrow, but it's stuck there)
Buffy:  Oh mother warned me this would happen...

Join us next time when Al wakes up from his nap.

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

Is it true that girls are impressed by guys who can yo-yo?

The illegitimate son of Tommy Smothers.

P.S. I would have used the word "illegitimate", but I don't know how to
spell it.

Dear T.I.S.O.T.S.,

In most cases, a girl wouldn't be too impressed by a guy's yo-yoing
abilities.  However, if a guy had a ferret that could do Ross Perot
impressions-- I'd venture to say that most girls would be impressed by

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

You know that word... what's that word... it starts with an A...  Like
your taste in something...

Agnostic... no...
Athletic... no...

Can you figure out what word it is?

...the Grammatically Contorted

Dear Grammatically Contorted,

That is actually one of the lesser-known definitions of the word

Wise Sage

Fruit Bats in Your Toilet
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email


eener:  Hmmmm.....lemme we have any urgent news for this week,
melvan:  Umm....I don't think so...lemme think..........
eener:  Naw, don't bother to think.  Why don't you "tink" instead! It is
melvan:  Eh?
eener:  TINK!!!!!  Aw...nevermind.

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Mental Hygiene
By eener & melvan
May 5, 1996

Today I bought some mental floss
And stuck it in my ear
It came right out the other side
And now I cannot hear
I then got in my little car
And tried my best to steer
To my chagrin into the road
There ran a stoopid deer!
I swerved and swerved and missed him but
I stripped the steenking gears
I swerved again, and Boom-de-boom!
I knocked a mailbox clear
Into Iowa, where all the corn
Blew into a pier
The farmer wipes away a tear
Sips a beer
And jumps off the pier
The end is near
The end is here
Do not fear
Sit on your rear
And turn that bug
Into a smear.


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed
in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in
regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).

Um...why are you reading waaay down here?  There's nothing down here, you

I *told* you...there is NOTHING of importance down here!!! Didn't you
believe me???

*sigh*  You just must not believe me, huh??

Okay...I lied...look down further...there *is* something of importance...

something of importance

Have a nice day.



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