Yaaawwwwn M M Hahaha!! F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #30 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Elkvis) --DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Yikes! It's Issue #30! You know what that means, don't you? That's right...FME is getting old. It ain't a youngun' anymore. FME online is 7 months old. If FME was a human being, it would be crawling by now...if it was a cat or a dog or a rabbit, it would be old enough to have its own little FMEs. But it's just a stoooopid internet magazine, so it doesn't have to do anything of that sort. All it has to do is sit on your hard drive and gather dust. BEGIN LOYAL FAN RECOGNITION TYPE ARTICLE OK, this is a new section. It will only appear when absolutely necessary. And we will *try* not to get mushy over this type of stuff. We would like to offer a special thank you, congratulations, good luck, and all that to a certain Dorothy Elrod...who just happens to be eener's mom. She got a new job about 100 miles from here and is moving there with eener's brother & sister very soon. She has been a very loyal fan of FME right from the beginning. She prints out a copy of each issue and keeps them in a file cabinet. She hasn't thrown us into the looney bin yet, even though we're *sure* she's had several opportunities to do so. Thanks for being a loyal fan...we hope you have email at your new job :) END LOYAL FAN RECOGNITION TYPE ARTICLE And now...eener would like to tell you all a little story! It's called "The story of the cuticle boy" A couple of weeks ago, I was at church with a date (Darin from GA) and a good pal of mine (melvan, to be more precise.) The speaker was a misisonary from Africa, so he was a *bit* hard to understand. We three were sitting there, listening, when Darin leaned over to me and said "Psst...look at that boy over there!" I looked over at the young boy sitting to the right of us, on the other side of Darin. (melvan was sitting to my left-- isn't *that* a vital tidbit of information??) The boy was holding his dad's hand, pushing back his cuticles with his fingers!! He was pushing, pushing, pushing on his dad's cuticles with intensity. As for his dad...well he was snoozing!! When I saw this, it was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. I was sitting there shaking with silent laughter. I hadn't laughed so hard in church since melvan and I used to sit together and write notes back and forth and get in trouble with our parents. (this was when we were younger-- last year...just kidding...it was quite awhile ago) This little boy then reached over for his mom's hand, and was inspecting her watch and such. Well...I just thought I'd share that with you all. End of story....well...not exactly...Darin commented after that he'd like the boy to do *his* cuticles, and his toes, while he was at it! Hehe...have a good day y'all! Note from melvan: I didn't have a clue what those two were laughing about...I was actually laughing because eener was laughing so hard...it's kinda contagious...like a YAAAAAAWWWWWWNNNN!!! (So there, Mr. Prins...again!!!!! hehehehehehehehehe) Oh...and this boy's dad....he's running for representative or something this fall.... #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last time on ATTB, we discovered that Al is running for president! Well...that basically covers it! Scene: the campaign office Reporter: Al, exactly how do you plan to raise money for the National Society of Barn Door Builders if you take the taxes off Spam? Al: Uh....I didn't inhale? Reporter: What? Al: Uh....I feel your pain? Reporter: What the heck are you talking about? Raul: Al is a bit...er, confused... Al: Uh....Read my lips...No new taxes!!! Buffy: Oh boy... Esmerelda: Sheesh...Al will *never* get elected this way!! I.M.: Sure he will...I'm his runningmate!! Esmerelda: You are what, I.M.?? I didn't know he had selected a runningmate yet!!! Al: Uh....Speak softly and carry a big stick? Buffy: Ahem...I think Al needs a nap. Al: Uhhh....Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what *you* can do for your country! Buffy: *raises her left eyebrow* Al: *gesturing wildly* I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!! Raul: Come on Al...You're in a presidential time warp... Al: Fourscore and seven years ago-- (Raul duct tapes Al's mouth shut) Al: Mmmmmph! Reporter: Ooh...This will look GREAT on the front page!!! I can see the headline: "Presidential candidate Rightithen duct taped by campaign staff!" Buffy: *glaring at the reporter* Get out of here before I call the men in white coats!! (Raul drags Al out of the room, intending to force him to take a nap) Al: Mmmmmph!! *rips duct tape off mouth* Okay, okay...I'll take a nap! (Buffy tries in vain to lower her left eyebrow, but it's stuck there) Buffy: Oh no...my mother warned me this would happen... Join us next time when Al wakes up from his nap. *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions Dear Wise Sage, Is it true that girls are impressed by guys who can yo-yo? Sincerely, The illegitimate son of Tommy Smothers. P.S. I would have used the word "illegitimate", but I don't know how to spell it. Dear T.I.S.O.T.S., In most cases, a girl wouldn't be too impressed by a guy's yo-yoing abilities. However, if a guy had a ferret that could do Ross Perot impressions-- I'd venture to say that most girls would be impressed by that. Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage, You know that word... what's that word... it starts with an A... Like your taste in something... Agnostic... no... Athletic... no... Can you figure out what word it is? ...the Grammatically Contorted Dear Grammatically Contorted, That is actually one of the lesser-known definitions of the word "antidisestablishmentarianism." Wise Sage +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Fruit Bats in Your Toilet -+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+- **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ eener: Hmmmm.....lemme think...do we have any urgent news for this week, melvan?? melvan: Umm....I don't think so...lemme think.......... eener: Naw, don't bother to think. Why don't you "tink" instead! It is easier! melvan: Eh? eener: TINK!!!!! Aw...nevermind. ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Mental Hygiene By eener & melvan May 5, 1996 Today I bought some mental floss And stuck it in my ear It came right out the other side And now I cannot hear I then got in my little car And tried my best to steer To my chagrin into the road There ran a stoopid deer! I swerved and swerved and missed him but I stripped the steenking gears I swerved again, and Boom-de-boom! I knocked a mailbox clear Into Iowa, where all the corn Blew into a pier The farmer wipes away a tear Sips a beer And jumps off the pier The end is near The end is here Do not fear Sit on your rear And turn that bug Into a smear. :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon). Um...why are you reading waaay down here? There's nothing down here, you know. I *told* you...there is NOTHING of importance down here!!! Didn't you believe me??? *sigh* You just must not believe me, huh?? Okay...I lied...look down further...there *is* something of importance... something of importance Have a nice day. yawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawn yawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawnyawn Byebye.