FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #3 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper, for short Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hello and good day to all you protein-based life forms out there! We hope you are enjoying our magazine- send all comments, armadillos, and eggplants to firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com. AATTTENTIOON: we have decided to add a new feature to this publication, aptly titled "The section where other people write". I certainly hope I don't have to tell you what it's for. Any interested guys, gals, or aliens out there who want to be guest writers, may email your wittiest, most nonsensical material to firstname.lastname@example.org, with the subject heading "I is a gud writer". Us two editors will sift thru this material, pondering it deeply, and include some of it in our subsequent issues. Well, sorry, but this intro is coming to a close, so we can proceed with more important and mind-stimulating subjects, beginning with... *************** A Marvelous quote XX just thunk up. "Love is a many-fendered thing..." (in reference to people who are obssessed with cars) **************** A word from DP... Squeegie. No, seriously, I got comments from people last week about them getting duplicates of FME issue #2, or one issue & another with just my sig, and I assure you the situation has been corrected. The technical difficulties will soon subside and you will be able to enjoy your Farm Macheenery (exploding) with little or no outside disturbances. Unless you live by an airport... And at the time of my typing this message, we have still not received ANY entries in the "Finish the poem contest". If no one sends us any, we'll have to make one up and it'll sound really stupid. So please, if you have an idea how that poem ends, we'd be more than happy to see it. **************** "Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash" WARNING: You are entering the fourth demention...the following may not make sense. You have been warned. ************* "Sewer" I feel the pain deep down I have felt this pain before... It is indescribable, but I know you have experienced it also... It calls to me in an exquisite voice, and I know I must go...must go and find a bathroom immediately. XX ********* "Picnic Basket" Courageously, she faces her opponent he stands, tall and grim, etched against the moonlit sky... In the distance a bombshell explodes and screams of agony join the chorus of crickets- His facemask falls away, only to reveal the Picnic basket of death. Banana. Orange. Apple. XX ************ "Old" He asks, "What is the secret to your success?" The wise sage ponders a moment, then carefullly, deliberately, he answers: "Sneelock Harn." DP ************** A commentary by XX... Define the impossible? Remove the implausible, and what is left--is it the truth, or is it just bacon grease? How does the wise sage cook his rat meat? And how does the wise owl choose which laxative to use? Perhaps I will throw my telephone into Lake Erie before I choose MCI or Sprint... Because I know that AT&T stands for Armadillos, Termites & Toads. I was recently taxed for having a snake living in my toilet, and because his name was Andre [with dots over the e, don't know how to type that] they also taxed the dots above his name! Boy--he uses a lot of toilet paper! *************** A commentary by DP... In the never-ending quest for the big green thing, many people have come to one conclusion: Diet Peeg-in-a-can Cola really DOES smell more like regular Peeg-in-a-can Cola! But of course, those are only their opinions on Clinton's haircut [in Air Force One at the LA airport a couple years ago]. Actually, the pilot was on drugs and flew straight into the side of the White House yesterday. It turns out that Socks tried eating a flat tire and got constipated after falling head over heels for Mr. Potato Head. Mr. Potato Head said he had no comment. He must have been turned into hash browns because he didn't answer the phone when we called his house. Comment: Which calling plan does Mr. Potato Head have anyway?--XX ********* Now it's time for something we forgot to include last week. *************** * Wise Sage * *************** Dear Wise Sage, I can't seem to stop picking my nose. Can you help? S. Booger --- Dear S. Booger, There is only ONE solution to this problem. Have a plastic surgeon remove your nose. You may feel some discomfort. Call 1-800-FOGY for more info. Wise Sage ********* Dear Wise Sage, Are you a doctor, or do you play one on TV? What cough medicine do you reccommend for someone who's clearing her throat 10000 times a day? SJE --- Dear SJE, There is only ONE solution to this problem. Have a plastic surgeon remove your throat. Wise Sage ********* Dear Wise Sage, I have a hangnail. My doctor says I need my arm amputated. Is this true? Overboard --- Dear Overboard, Yes. Wise Sage ********* Dear Wise Sage, Do all your solutions to problems consist of a plastic surgeon removing something? What about mental block? Zork --- Dear Zork, When in doubt, chop off the person's head. Wise Sage ********* dear.wise.sage. what.would.you.suggest.i.do.about.my.clogged.septic.system.i.don't.want.to. cut.anything.off. punctuated. --- Dear Punctuated, Invite your plumber over and cut off his head. Wise Sage ********* Dear Wise Sage, Can I cut off your toes? Please? It would really solve that problem of hairy toes. Cousin Billy Bob Sage --- Dear Billy Bob Sage, You're too late. I've already had a plastic surgeon remove my toes, AND 90% of my other body parts. Wise Sage ********* And now for something completely new and insane. In our seven years of doing this magazine off-line, we cut out words from magazines and newspapers and stuck them together randomly. Here are some of our gems. "The brutal potatoes kidnapped elephants from cooking school." "The missing novelist rips hockey hall selection." "The world's best health guns could cost Minnesota jobs." "The freshly brewed supermodel stops skin puffiness." "Cease fire to reopen with bang." "Moo out-whitens Jolly gray. Available today!" "The debut solo release from Wild Lintball. 'Bagtime'" "Now, for many bed wetters...Bring home the porcelain Twinkies." "Invest in something with silky satin-knit performances by the year 2000." "A Japanese mildew stain honks at stopped van." "The haunted deodorant cleared of labor violations in Mexico." "The deadly Nobel Prize pounds among the dead." "Reduce aroma here." "You've always wanted: Daddy's free mulch!" "Born to be shorts." "Soldier discovers 4 invisible spurs cleaning a winter doozie." "Happy campers blab inside a fanatic." "A classic case of the lemon fresh maniacs." "The time is right for the collector's treasury of eggs." "Does your garage door opener attack children?" **This one has an answer: If you said "yes", there is only one way to solve the problem. Invite the garage door fix-it man over, and cut off his head. ********* Another send-in thing we want your help with. Send us descriptions, stories, or whatever about the most eccentric (weird, strange) teacher you've ever had. We have a few stories of our own about weird teachers. But you'll have to wait to see them. Hmmm...how 'bout we make the deadline November 15. ********* So, now that we've sufficiently wasted half an hour or so of your time.... We're leaving. But before we go, if you like music in the alternative/rock sort of vein, we reccommend you pick up an album by Steve Taylor. Namely the one called "Squint". It is a very good one. We're really leaving now.