Issue #3, 30 October 1995

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #3
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu  alias  DP or Dr. Pepper, for short
Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu  alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Hello and good day to all you protein-based life forms out there!
We hope you are enjoying our magazine- send all comments, armadillos, and
eggplants to renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu or melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu.
AATTTENTIOON: we have decided to add a new feature to this publication, aptly
titled "The section where other people write". I certainly hope I don't have
to tell you what it's for.  Any interested guys, gals, or aliens out there
who want to be guest writers, may email your wittiest, most nonsensical
material to melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu, with the subject heading "I is a
gud writer".  Us two editors will sift thru this material, pondering it
deeply, and include some of it in our subsequent issues. Well, sorry, but
this intro is coming to a close, so we can proceed with more important and
mind-stimulating subjects, beginning with...

***************

A Marvelous quote XX just thunk up.
"Love is a many-fendered thing..."
(in reference to people who are obssessed with cars)

****************

A word from DP...
Squeegie.
No, seriously, I got comments from people last week about them getting
duplicates of FME issue #2, or one issue & another with just my sig, and I
assure you the situation has been corrected.  The technical difficulties will
soon subside and you will be able to enjoy your Farm Macheenery (exploding)
with little or no outside disturbances.  Unless you live by an airport...

And at the time of my typing this message, we have still not received ANY
entries in the "Finish the poem contest".  If no one sends us any, we'll have
to make one up and it'll sound really stupid.  So please, if you have an idea
how that poem ends, we'd be more than happy to see it.

****************

"Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash"

WARNING:  You are entering the fourth demention...the following may not
make sense.  You have been warned.

*************

"Sewer"

I feel the pain
   deep down
I have felt this pain
   before...
It is indescribable,
but I know you have
experienced it also...
It calls to me in an
exquisite voice, and I
know I must go...must
go and find a bathroom
immediately.

XX

*********

"Picnic Basket"

Courageously, she faces her opponent
he stands, tall and grim,
etched against the moonlit sky...
In the distance
a bombshell explodes
and screams of agony
join the chorus of crickets-
His facemask falls away,
only to reveal
the Picnic basket of death.
Banana. Orange. Apple.

XX

************

"Old"

He asks, "What is the
  secret to your success?"
The wise sage ponders a
   moment, then carefullly,
   deliberately, he answers:
"Sneelock Harn."

DP

**************

A commentary by XX...

Define the impossible?  Remove the implausible, and what is left--is it the
truth, or is it just bacon grease?  How does the wise sage cook his rat meat?
And how does the wise owl choose which laxative to use?  Perhaps I will throw
my telephone into Lake Erie before I choose MCI or Sprint...

Because I know that AT&T stands for Armadillos, Termites & Toads.  I was
recently taxed for having a snake living in my toilet, and because his name
was Andre [with dots over the e, don't know how to type that] they also taxed
the dots above his name!  Boy--he uses a lot of toilet paper!

***************

A commentary by DP...

In the never-ending quest for the big green thing, many people have come to
one conclusion:  Diet Peeg-in-a-can Cola really DOES smell more like regular
Peeg-in-a-can Cola!  But of course, those are only their opinions on
Clinton's haircut [in Air Force One at the LA airport a couple years ago].
Actually, the pilot was on drugs and flew straight into the side of the White
House yesterday.  It turns out that Socks tried eating a flat tire and got
constipated after falling head over heels for Mr. Potato Head.  Mr. Potato
Head said he had no comment.  He must have been turned into hash browns
because he didn't answer the phone when we called his house.

Comment:  Which calling plan does Mr. Potato Head have anyway?--XX

*********

Now it's time for something we forgot to include last week.

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************

Dear Wise Sage,

I can't seem to stop picking my nose.  Can you help?

S. Booger

---

Dear S. Booger,

There is only ONE solution to this problem.  Have a plastic surgeon remove
your nose.  You may feel some discomfort.  Call 1-800-FOGY for more info.

Wise Sage

*********

Dear Wise Sage,

Are you a doctor, or do you play one on TV?  What cough medicine do you
reccommend for someone who's clearing her throat 10000 times a day?

SJE

---

Dear SJE,

There is only ONE solution to this problem.  Have a plastic surgeon remove
your throat.

Wise Sage

*********

Dear Wise Sage,

I have a hangnail.  My doctor says I need my arm amputated.  Is this true?

Overboard

---

Dear Overboard,

Yes.

Wise Sage

*********

Dear Wise Sage,

Do all your solutions to problems consist of a plastic surgeon removing
something?  What about mental block?

Zork

---

Dear Zork,

When in doubt, chop off the person's head.

Wise Sage

*********

dear.wise.sage.

what.would.you.suggest.i.do.about.my.clogged.septic.system.i.don't.want.to.
cut.anything.off.

punctuated.

---

Dear Punctuated,

Invite your plumber over and cut off his head.

Wise Sage

*********

Dear Wise Sage,

Can I cut off your toes?  Please?  It would really solve that problem of
hairy toes.

Cousin Billy Bob Sage

---

Dear Billy Bob Sage,

You're too late.  I've already had a plastic surgeon remove my toes, AND 90%
of my other body parts.

Wise Sage

*********

And now for something completely new and insane.  In our seven years of doing
this magazine off-line, we cut out words from magazines and newspapers and
stuck them together randomly.  Here are some of our gems.

"The brutal potatoes kidnapped elephants from cooking school."
"The missing novelist rips hockey hall selection."
"The world's best health guns could cost Minnesota jobs."
"The freshly brewed supermodel stops skin puffiness."
"Cease fire to reopen with bang."
"Moo out-whitens Jolly gray.  Available today!"
"The debut solo release from Wild Lintball.  'Bagtime'"
"Now, for many bed wetters...Bring home the porcelain Twinkies."
"Invest in something with silky satin-knit performances by the year 2000."
"A Japanese mildew stain honks at stopped van."
"The haunted deodorant cleared of labor violations in Mexico."
"The deadly Nobel Prize pounds among the dead."
"Reduce aroma here."
"You've always wanted:  Daddy's free mulch!"
"Born to be shorts."
"Soldier discovers 4 invisible spurs cleaning a winter doozie."
"Happy campers blab inside a fanatic."
"A classic case of the lemon fresh maniacs."
"The time is right for the collector's treasury of eggs."
"Does your garage door opener attack children?"
    **This one has an answer:  If you said "yes", there is only one way to
    solve the problem.  Invite the garage door fix-it man over, and cut off
    his head.

*********

Another send-in thing we want your help with.  Send us descriptions, stories,
or whatever about the most eccentric (weird, strange) teacher you've ever
had.  We have a few stories of our own about weird teachers.  But you'll have
to wait to see them.  Hmmm...how 'bout we make the deadline November 15.

*********

So, now that we've sufficiently wasted half an hour or so of your time....

We're leaving.

But before we go, if you like music in the alternative/rock sort of vein,
we reccommend you pick up an album by Steve Taylor.  Namely the one called
"Squint".  It is a very good one.

We're really leaving now.

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