Issue #28, 29 April 1996

Nonsense!       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #28
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka eener):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM)
--DP's brother & computer expert
(elkvis on irc)

FME on the web:

Once upon a time, there were a couple of people who wrote an internet
magazine.  They had sooooooo much fun doing it that they'd never even
*think* of charging people to subscribe.  Eventually, they discovered that
they waited waaaaaaay too long to start the zine every week.  They waited
until the day before they sent it out to write anything.......can you say
"procrastinator?"  Good!  I knew you could!  Yes, we are aware that this
paragraph doesn't really hang together grammatically, but we've decided to
charge you all two million dollars a year subscription rate.  We know you
all will happily agree to this, because of course we are just kidding.
Peanut and butter.

And now for something completely different!!  (Gee, do you recognize the
Monty Python reference there? eh?)

How to Tell if you've been on IRC too long...

1.  Every time you meet someone new, you want to do a /whois...
2.  If you feel tired, you refer to yourself as being "lagged"
3.  You know your irc pals better than your own family
4.  You duct tape people to fake poles...with fake duct tape
5.  The highlight of your life is getting an irc upgrade...
    "Whoooooeeeey!!  I got mIRC 4.0!!!!! is good!"
6.  People call you by your irc nick more often than your real name
7.  You sacrifice laundry, feeding pets, even feeding yourself just to
    get on irc and "see who's there..."
8.  You know what items to put on a list titled "How to tell if you've
    been on IRC too long..."
9.  You get extremely bored when the computer is down...
10.  You think in IRC terms..."/me is tired, /me is hungry, /me slaps Mr.
     Rogers around a bit with a stuffed Energizer Bunny..."


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, something happened, only we don't know what it was at
this point, because we haven't checked the last issue yet....

Oh yes!!  Of course!!  Four of the gang took a trip to Mr.  Roger's
Neighborhood!  I.M. & Buffy stayed at the Town of Crazy Jail.

All of a sudden, the scene shifts to Niagara Falls, where Al is about to
go over in a barrel...

Al:  I'm going!!  You can't stop me!!!
Buffy:  Don't worry, we won't.
Al:  *climbs into the barrel*
Howard:  Doesn't it bother you guys at all that the plot of this shifts in
severely crazy ways EVERY STEENKING WEEK??
Am-E:  Pls don't abuse caps!
(Note to the clueless:  It's an irc thang-- Am-E is a bot on a channel,
and if people use caps too much, they get er...reprimanded)
Al:  But those caps look so much more intimidating than those nice, docile
lower-case letters!
Buffy:  I just love saying the word ukulele-- I love spelling it
***Buffy was kicked by Raul (overuse of the word ukulele...)
Narrator:  And so the writers of FME did over-use the irc jokes, and did
so decide to use another vehicle for the humor...
(Plymouth Neon drives onto the scene)
Neon:  Hi
Al:  Hmmm...that must be the vehicle they were talking about!
Esmerelda:  Al, weren't you going to go over the falls in a barrel?  Get
on with it, already!!
Al:  Fine then!  I will!  *squats in the barrel*  Uh...can someone push
Raul:  Sure, I will! *pushes Al off the falls*
Al:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!! *splash*
Buffy:  *reappears on the scene* *hops into the Neon and disappears on the
Raul:  *pulls out a super-soaker and fills it with water*
Esmerelda:  I've always wished I could have a cat named Steve!
Howard:  Geeesh, people-- the plot is even stupider than usual
today...these !@#$%%^ writers must be suffering from sleep
deprivation or something....
I.M.:  No, they're just high on Kool-aid dust...

Join us next time, when we hopefully come up with a better plot....or at
least some stupendous poofs of smoke...

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering?


Dear servo,

No- because I, the Wise Sage, know everything!  Next question?

Wise Sage

The Section Where Other People Write
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

Hmmm....for some reason, nobody's sending stuff in for this
section...maybe it needs a snappy new "Fruit Bats in your


Everyone go see the Macheen Shed!! And those of you who just can't
live without duct tape, go see The DTUA Home Page!

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

A parody

Millions of leeches
Millions of leeches for me
I'm moving to the country, gonna eat a lot of leeches
Moving to the country
gonna eat me a lot of leeches
Gonna salt me up some leeches
Gonna hang out on da beaches
And eat me a lot of leeches

eener & melvan

Contagious Yawn 2


eener-- so there, Mr. Prins!! Hehehehe

Abbreviations up the WazoO


eener & melvan

Sheesh...seems to me that we haven't had a cool ending message in quite a
long time...

So now we leave you with a quote from Red Green:  "If the women don't find
you handsome, they should at least find you handy."


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people.  Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed
in any way.  FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in
regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).