Duct-tape M M Rulez!!!! F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #27 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka eener): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka melvan): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka elkvis): DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Spring has sprung in Wisconsin....*sproing!* To celebrate this magnificent event, eener and melvan are wearing dandelions in their shirt pockets at this very moment!! AN IMPORTANT NOTE OF INTEREST: melvan looked at her mom's wall calendar the other day and noticed something on it...it really said "7:00 choir meeting"...melvan thought it said "7:00 chortling". ANOTHER IMPORTANT NOTE OF INTEREST: eener's calendar picture for this month has THREE Energizer bunnies on it, and so does melvan's....since they both have the same calendar... #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last week on ATTB, the plot was abruptly changed without forewarning. Currently, Buffy is in jail for saying something unflattering about Raul, who happens to be the mayor of the town of Crazy. Scene: Mr. Roger's neighborhood Mr. Rogers: *singing* It's a byoootiful day in the neighborhood, a byootiful day for a neighbor...won't you be mine? Won't you be mine? *sits down and takes off shoes and sweater* Howard: SHUT UP!!! (takes out a gun and shoots Mr. Rogers) Mr. Rogers: *looks dumfounded as the water hits him* Hey there, where did you come from Mr. McFeely? Raul: Ugh...come on, guys. Let's go. Mr. Rogers: Don't you want to be my neighbor? AmuLeT: Let's tie him up in duct tape!! (note to the clueless: AmuLeT is an irc pal of ours, she often gets duct-taped by melvan and eener) (Scene all of a sudden changes back to the town of Crazy) Buffy: *Screaming* LET me outta here!!!!!! I.M.: Aren't you glad I decided to stay here and keep you company while you're in jail? Buffy: *screaming* GET HIM OUTTA MY FACE!!! Security guard: Is there a problem here? I.M.: I didn't do it!! Really, I didn't!! Buy my video!! Buffy: Pleeeeease get him out of here!!! Security guard: Please come with me, sir. I.M.: Goodbye, my love!! Parting is such sweet sorrow! Buffy: I'm gonna throw up... I.M.: Buffy, before you go, there's something I have to tell you...I have always loved you... Buffy: Hmmmm.... Al: .............. Howard: HEY AL!! Stop wasting space with those #$%@!#! dots just so you can have a line! Al: Okay, fine. I'll say something relevant to the plot. Buffy: Plot? Plot? We don't need no steenking plot!! (blatant UHF reference, which is a reference to some other movie that we don't know the name of...) *Security guard drags Buffy awaaaaaay* Soundtrack: They're coming to take me away, HAHA, they're coming to take me away, HOHO, HAHA, HeHe...to da funny farm, where life is byooootiful alll da time... Join us next week.... *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions The Wise Sage has gone on a permanent vacation... ************************************ The Section Where Other People Write ************************************ **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com Thought you'd like to read a particular letter we got in response to a poem we ran last week...entitled "Contagious Yawn". Dear Miss Elrod and Miss Hoffmeyer: We, the law firm of Bakker, Bakker, and Swaggart, are giving you legal notice of the intent of one Matthew Dale Prins to sue you for an amount not to exceed $100,000 for emotional and physical pain and suffering incurred during an incident that occurred on April 20, 1996 at approximately 6:05 PM CDT during the reading of your magazine, Farm Macheenery [sic] (Exploding), issue #26. Mr. Prins, who shall be referred to hereafter in this document as "the good guy", was rereading FM(E), which shall be referred to hereafter as "exhibit one", to attempt to get his mind off of the fact that he had a hole in his socks. At the time alluded to earlier in the document, the good guy came upon the poem, "Contagious Yawn", which shall be referred to hereafter as "exhibit two", in exhibit one. As was obviously the poem's intention, the good guy then proceeded to yawn, due to the enticing nature of exhibit two in exhibit one. A companion of the Good Guy at this point in time, who shall be called hereafter as "the innocent victim of society," proceeded to place a pencil, which shall be referred to hereafter as "exhibit three," into the mouth of the good guy, which shall be referred to hereafter as "exhibit four," at which point the good guy bit down on exhibit three with exhibit four, splitting exhibit three into two pieces and creating a number of small wood filings, which shall be referred to collectively hereafter as exhibit five, in exhibit four from exhibit three caused directly by exhibit two in exhibit one. The good guy maintains that Miss Elrod and Miss Hoffmeyer, who shall be called hereafter as "the bad girls", who are both members of the female population, who shall be referred to collectively hereafter as exhibit six, knowingly and willing created exhibit two in exhibit one, in full realization that the innocent victim of society would place exhibit three in exhibit four, creating exhibit five, which obviously has led to the inability of exhibit four to have contact with unspecified exhibit six's exhibit fours. Subpoenas have been issued for all members involved in this issue by Judge B. Jones. A court date has not been set, pending a time and a place to be convenient to exhibit six. If you have any questions, we would strongly encourage you to get your own lawyer. Have a nice day. Sincerely, T.F. Bakker ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ Being as DP officially switched her pen name to "melvan", I (XX) thought I'd follow suit and change mine to...MrRogers...Just kidddddiiing!! No, really, I thought I'd switch mine to eener, which is my irc nick...oooh special. Aren't you all just soooo thrilled?? I didn't think so. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is: "Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb." (btw, that's a quote from Spaceballs, the movie.) NO!! Actually, what I mean to say is...I'm babbling here!! Hahahaha! Ok...my pen name is now officially "eener." *chortles* Thank you for your time. ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- This week we have only one poem... "Ode to Duct Tape" Duct Tape... Holds the bumper to the car Keeps the Spam in the jar Covers the crack in the car seat Keeps my brother's shoes on his feet On the seat of my bike It's the one thing I like Sticks the flag to the pole Covered the hole in the cabin wall On the bass drums in the band room Without it we'd be surely doomed Fixes book bindings and holes in the siding Sitting on my TV A trophy for all to see melvan & eener **NOTE: eener started this poem about a month ago and couldn't figure out how to finish it...so melvan finished it. :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).